Reviews for RWBY:Fragmented Memories
TheAmazingRedX chapter 1 . 8/31
I’d love to read the old version while this gets updated
draco173 chapter 1 . 7/21
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JohnBarry chapter 1 . 7/20
Quick question, would we be able to see more of Jaune growing up with his amnesia, or are you going to a quick overview of his life and then be at beacon?
MKFire chapter 1 . 7/18
Congrats on getting the first rewritten chapter, and I must say it is worlds better than the previous. Jaune has a developed personality, which we see by how he reacts to situations such as Jaune bonding with Yang or getting annoyed at losing his hoodie to Pyrrha. Well done on the writing.

And there is much content that cleverly ties a stronger between Jaune and the other characters such as Jaune and Yang bonding over family or him getting visited by Yang and Ruby in the hospital, and Blake having tea with him.

Also thank you for the shout out. You already had a great idea and set up, I was happy to provide some input.

Speaking of Blake, the Faunus that tried to attack Weiss, but got Jaune instead, I hope it was Adam. That way there is a plot twist with Blake not wanting Jaune his past since there is that interaction between all of them. Having that will certainly be more character development for Blake as well as set up extra conflict.

We got an idea from your previous story on how Weiss, Pyrrha and Ruby will be do in future chapters, namely how Jaune has affected them. Personally I would like to see what you have in mind for Yang. Bonding over family is the perfect setup that can lead to a lot of directions. Maybe for Yang to not search for her mother as much and appreciate her family more thus appreciate Jaune due to the advice? Or Yang visiting Jaune after his amnesia?

Great chapter, great read, looking forward to more!
NarutoNikeNinja21 chapter 1 . 7/18
You've definitely improved my friend. the story flows better, the interactions feel more genuine and most of all Qrow isnt purposely picking on a kid. Big thumbs up. looking forward to next chapter
Gaim no Kaze chapter 1 . 7/18
This is something that I'll be looking forward to. Hopefully you keep the quality constant throughout the story.
Devilmaycry17 chapter 1 . 7/17
This is a great concept. Hope to see more!
Samthman chapter 1 . 7/17
Nice
TootsieRollSword25 chapter 5 . 7/17
Stop posting chapters just to update the readers on your current story progress. You could just update your profile instead. In my opinion it's annoying to see a chapter update for this story only to realize later it's just a progress update instead. Sorry for being critical and rude, however, I feel this is the only way to get my point across.
Bomberguy789 chapter 1 . 7/17
Jaune's parents let an 8 year old child walk around a city like Mistral (said to have problems with corruption and crime) all on his own? That's terrible parenting!
Do any 8 year old children talk so eloquently about the problems they face at school or in public based on their public image?
You can't convince a victim of racism that you aren't a racist just by saying "I see Faunus as equals." Nor is a victim of racism going to be forthcoming to their "oppressor" about their plan to "fight back."
Qrow, who has a close bond to his two nieces, who are still children themselves, is really going to see a child get seriously hurt, possibly killed, and go "you know what, not my problem." I have many doubts.
MKFire chapter 1 . 7/15
It’s great to hear you are coming back to this story, because I enjoy the premise, Jaune having previous interactions with the characters before they go to Beacon only to get amnesia.

That said there are some changes I would like to suggest that I believe will improve this story.

1. What’s the endgame or overall plot? Is the plot of the story for the characters to help Jaune jog his memory? It will be great to plan what you want to do with the story and how you want to end it, so you can have a goal to meet and maintain interest in the story.

2. Expand on the past events. Some of the interactions between Jaune and the characters are solid, namely Pyrrha and Weiss. The others can use some work. Blake’s is good, with Jaune seeing Blake doing something bad and he doesn’t rat her out, and later kind of becomes an accomplice and gives his opinion on Faunus. With Blake doing something bad it might be a good plot point for Blake not wanting for Jaune to get his memory back so he doesn’t rat her out. Yang and Ruby’s past event with Jaune could use some extra padding. It’s got a good setup by having Jaune have fun with Yang and Ruby then they tell Jaune about their moms. But it can be stronger. Let’s say for example Jaune and his family could go over to visit Tai Yang frequently to help take care of the place since Tai Yang is so affaires by Summer’s death. Or maybe when Yang tells Jaune about Raven and Summer, Jaune can relate by saying he doesn’t see one of his family members often for whatever reason but he is glad to have the family he has with them since they are there, and he hopes to see Yang and Ruby as much as possible.

3. Jaune needs a personality. Throughout this story Jaune doesn’t really show a personality. Things happen to him and he hoe-hums through them. Write out what makes him glad, sad, mad and why they make him like that. Like say for what happened between him and Qrow, maybe every time he sees a crow he gets paranoid and looks around for anything bad that could happen. Or he gets confused or mad when Yang knocks him out and asks why. This will give you more to write about.

4. Jaune needs to react more. A lot of things happen to Jaune in the story and he doesn’t react to them. Like when Ozpin tells him he is a leader, Jaune doesn’t give off any emotion or ask why he was picked as leader. Or when Jaune learns that the other characters have previously known him, he doesn’t bother to ask any of them how they knew him. When you’re writing Jaune and something happens, try to think how he would and should react and then write it out.

5. Jaune shouldn’t pass out every chapter. I couldn’t tell if this was intentional for comic relief, but Jaune passing out every chapter really begs the question why is becoming a huntsman then? If he is trained and healthy, he shouldn’t be fainting so much.

6. Ren shouldn’t be a leader. Ren being a leader doesn’t make a lot sense even when you explained it in the story. Jaune was picked because he displayed tactical prowess and was able to strategize. Ruby was able to tell people what to do and come up with plans, which is why she should also be a leader. Ren’s reason for being a leader, according to your story, was that he was simply there, and that’s it. While it’s fun to change things up, Ren being a leader isn’t the most logical.

7. The teams need to change. It can be fun to change up the teams and decide who will be on what team. Jaune and Nora being partners is a fun idea because she is the only who didn’t previously know Jaune, but her total reliance on Ren is a hinderance. But in this story the characters in their teams didn’t really serve up a purpose. It will be good to plan out who should be on what team and decide what you can do with those characters in those teams and how they will build off each other.

8. Character reactions. So all of the characters meet Jaune and expect him to remember them. Once they learn he had amnesia, they don’t really react. It would make more sense that each character would immediately sit down with him and explain how they know him and how he affected him. It will give you more to write about. Or maybe when Jaune hears Yang, Ruby and Weiss’s names, he could remember the letters and connect the dots and ask if they had known him previously.

Those are my suggestions that I believe can improve the story. I hope you consider them and even more I hope to see the rewites soon.
thegermankaiserreich chapter 3 . 7/15
Take your time bruv, quality over quantity.
Also, if a chapter you write isn't totally to your liking and you've worked on it for quite a while, publish it anyway, or you'll end up killing your morale.
MKFire chapter 13 . 7/15
It’s great to hear you are coming back to this story, because I enjoy the premise, Jaune having previous interactions with the characters before they go to Beacon only to get amnesia.

That said there are some changes I would like to suggest that I believe will improve this story.

1. What’s the endgame or overall plot? Is the plot of the story for the characters to help Jaune jog his memory? It will be great to plan what you want to do with the story and how you want to end it, so you can have a goal to meet and maintain interest in the story.

2. Expand on the past events. Some of the interactions between Jaune and the characters are solid, namely Pyrrha and Weiss. The others can use some work. Blake’s is good, with Jaune seeing Blake doing something bad and he doesn’t eat her out, and later kind of becomes an accomplice and gives his opinion on Faunus. With Blake doing something bad it might be a good plot point for Blake not wanting for Jaune to get his memory back so he doesn’t eat her out. Yang and Ruby’s past event with Jaune could use some extra padding. It’s got a good setup by having Jaune have fun with Yang and Ruby then they tell Jaune about their moms. But it can be stronger. Let’s say for example Jaune and his family could go over to visit Tai Yang frequently to help take care of the place since Tai Yang is so affaires by Summer’s death. Or maybe when Yang tells Jaune about Raven and Summer, Jaune can relate by saying he doesn’t see one of his family members often for whatever reason but he is glad to have the family he has with them since they are there, and he hopes to see Yang and Ruby as much as possible.

3. Jaune needs a personality. Throughout this story Jaune doesn’t really show a personality. Things happen to him and he hoe-hums through them. Write out what makes him glad, sad, mad and why they make him like that. Like say for what happened between him and Qrow, maybe every time he sees a crow he gets paranoid and looks around for anything bad that could happen. Or he gets confused or mad when Yang knocks him out and asks why. This will give you more to write about.

4. Jaune needs to react more. A lot of things happen to Jaune in the story and he doesn’t react to them. Like when Ozpin tells him he is a leader, Jaune doesn’t give off any emotion or ask why he was picked as leader. Or when Jaune learns that the other characters have previously known him, he doesn’t bother to ask any of them how they knew him. When you’re writing Jaune and something happens, try to think how he would and should react and then write it out.

5. Jaune shouldn’t pass out every chapter. I couldn’t tell if this was intentional for comic relief, but Jaune passing out every chapter really begs the question why is becoming a huntsman then? If he is trained and healthy, he shouldn’t be fainting so much.

6. Ren shouldn’t be a leader. Ren being a leader doesn’t make a lot sense even when you explained it in the story. Jaune was picked because he displayed tactical prowess and was able to strategize. Ruby was able to tell people what to do and come up with plans, which is why she should also be a leader. Ren’s reason for being a leader, according to your story, was that he was simply there, and that’s it. While it’s fun to change things up, Ren being a leader isn’t the most logical.

7. The teams need to change. It can be fun to change up the teams and decide who will be on what team. Jaune and Nora being partners is a fun idea because she is the only who didn’t previously know Jaune, but her total reliance on Ren is a hinderance. But in this story the characters in their teams didn’t really serve up a purpose. It will be good to plan out who should be on what team and decide what you can do with those characters in those teams and how they will build off each other.

8. Character reactions. So all of the characters meet Jaune and expect him to remember them. Once they learn he had amnesia, they don’t really react. It would make more sense that each character would immediately sit down with him and explain how they know him and how he affected him. It will give you more to write about. Or maybe when Jaune hears Yang, Ruby and Weiss’s names, he could remember the letters and connect the dots and ask if they had known him previously.

Those are my suggestions that I believe can improve the story. I hope you consider them and even more I hope to see the rewites soon.
Thanks covid2020 chapter 13 . 7/13
keep up the good work and let the haters hate
Lighthopperhoop chapter 1 . 7/13
Did Qrow just drop a branch on a nine-year-old? If you dick move.
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