Jayfeather's Lavish Goodbye Ceremony
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Jayfeather: Goodbye, everyone!

Kestrelflight: Wait! Where are you going?

Jayfeather: Somewhere where Starclan cannot harass me, WITH FRIVELOUS NONSENSE! *shouts at the sky*

Puddleshine: Um, that's kind of our job.

Jayfeather: Then I'm retiring. My little cat brain can only take so much.

Willowshine: So... You're leaving for good?

Jayfeather: Yep! I'm going to the Bahamas! Maybe I can finally get a good tan.

Puddleshine: But you're a cat...

Jayfeather: *pulls Puddleshine close* Nothing is impossible! *eyelid twitches*

Willowshine: Jayfeather, look, I... I know we've had a lot of clashes in the past...

Jayfeather: Uh-huh...

Willowshine: And I just want you to know I will not miss you one little itty bitty bit.

Jayfeather: *sarcastically* Thanks, good to know.

Kestrelflight: But Jay... We've been best friends since...forever. Rafiki wa dhati.

Jayfeather: I know Kestrel. But we can still text each other with this thingymabob. *holds up flipy phone*

Kestrelflight: So we're still pals?

Jayfeather: Of course. Rafiki wa dhati milele.

Kestrelflight: Milele! *hugs Jay*

Leafpool: Hey! *pulls Jay away from Kestrel* Nobody hugs my son but me!

Jayfeather: Let go, you frog-spawned hag.

Everyone: OooooooooooooH!

Crowfeather: *bursts in, panting* S-sorry I'm l-late! I h-had to put Breezepelt to sleep.

Puddleshine: Oh, you mean tucking him in his nest, then singing him a lullaby?

Crowfeather: Heck no. That junk is for sissies. I knocked him out with Nightcloud's cast iron pan she stole from a two-leg. Boy, that thing was heavy as dog!

Jayfeather: Yay! You made it! *hugs Crow*

Leafpool: Hey! How come he doesn't let ME hug him?

Crowfeather: Because you're a no-good, dirty rotten, hard-nosed, beetle-eating, gas-farting, obese, pig-headed, bug-digesting, armpit-sweating, makeup wearing, Spam-consuming, sympathy getting, Coke-drinking, ugly, despicable, sorry, contemptible, vile, nasty, beastly, cheap, shameful, loathsome, degrading, disgraceful, low, insignificant, slimy, wretched, disreputable, awful, greedy, selfish, malicious, hard, evil, callous, vicious, pesky, vexatious, lousy, liverish, pathetic, shabby, scurvy, beggarly, miserable, scruffy, deplorable, pitiful, unimportant, inadequate, despisable, hateful, nefarious, hideous, heinous, foul, offensive, damnable, calamitous, destructive, corrupt, wicked, villainous, unpleasant, baneful, disastrous, harmful, maleficent, stinking, pernicious, spiteful, revolting, malignant, reproachful, little evil piece of dinosaur doo-doo.

Leafpool: Still salty about the break-up, eh?

Crowfeather: You made a commitment, girl! You don't just back-track a day after you say "I do"! You stick with it. But apparently you're such a low-life, you just can't keep your stinking promises!

Leafpool: Listen you ungrateful-

Crowfeather: No, you listen! I was YOUR HUSBAND! I was the greatest good you were EVER gonna get!

Jayfeather: Okay... This is awkward... LOVE Y'ALL! *leaves for good*

Crow, Leaf: *argue*

Everyone: *feels awkward*

Willowshine: He was right. This is awkward.

Huh. Typical stubborn egdy Shadowclan.

GASP! Hawkfrost is coming *sings* Back to life! Back to reality! Whoo! Yeah! Ha ha! *dances*

Don't look at me like that. I have a strange uncontrollable liking for almost all the cats with blue eyes.

I'm a little confused- he's a kid and he's already thinking about mates? Golly, kid, get your priorities straight!

Kestrelflight:I really think Willowpaw likes her mentor!

Jayfeather: How would you know, Dr. Love?

Kestrelflight: I'm a medicine cat. Of course I know.

Jayfeather: Well, so am I!

Kestrelflight: Look, she WANTS to eat with him, train with him, and gets mad when he focuses on someone else. Umakini, Jay, sometimes you are so blind.

Jayfeather:... ... ... *runs off, crying*

Kestrelflight: Oh. Oops...

Crowfeather tells a story! Inspired by Lionblaze's awful lying.

Crowfeather: Ok, kids! I'ma tell you a little story I like to call... Mr. Handsome Face!

Breezepelt: Oh, joy.

Crowfeather: Ahem. Once apon a time, there was a very handsome cat named Mr. Handsome Face. He looked a whole lot like me, actually. *poses*

Jayfeather: Lord, help us.

Crowfeather: Anyways, Mr. Handsome Face fell in love with a she-cat called Ms. Poopyhead. Now, he didn't know she was a poopyhead, because she put on a lot of perfume and deodorant and all that. But when the right time came, Ms. Poopyhead backstabbed Mr. Handsome Face HARD, and in the process revealed that her entire head was made of poop.

Lionblaze: Day-ng! What the fox happened next?

Crowfeather: Well, for a time, Mr. Handsome Face felt very lost and betrayed. Until he met a girl called Ms. Desperate I Need A Husband To Make Kits!

Breezepelt: Excoose me? You talking 'bout my mama?!

Crowfeather: I'm making this up as I go, alright? Anywho, Mr. Handsome Face and Ms. Desperate I Need A Husband To Make Kits!, had a son named Mr. Kid Who Eats All of Mr. Handsome Face's Food And Cuddles With Mr. Handsome Face's Wife. Now, Mr. Kid Who Eats All of Mr. Handsome Face's Food And Cuddles With Mr. Handsome Face's Wife got involved with a gang of sorts, and was a big fat disappointment to his entire family. Mr. Handsome Face disowned him for this.

LionblazeJayfeather: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Breezepelt: Shut up!

Crowfeather: Later, Mr. Handsome Face found out that Ms. Poopyhead had some kits of his too. One of these fine kits was called Mr. Cutie Pie Face! He turned out to be Mr. Handsome Face's favorite.

Jayfeather: *bursts out crying* Aah! Save me from the burning shame!

Breezepelt: *pinches Jay's cheek* Shoulda called him Mr. Chubby Face.

Jayfeather: I am NOT chubby!

Crowfeather: Anyway, Ms. Poopyhead's horrid crime was revealed, everyone saw she was a poopyhead, and went home to eat enchiladas. The moral of this story is too have a cute face or your father will reject you.

Lionblaze: *raises paw* Ooh! What if the kid has a rouge-ishly handsome face? *poses*

Crowfeather: Then the father will disown him, cause the kid is too much competition.

Lionblaze: Well... That just sucks.

Crowfeather: Well kids! What else did you learn?

Breezepelt: I learned that if the daddy makes fun of the mama, he in for a butt cutting! *unsheathes claws*

Crowfeather: *gulps* What about you, Jay?

Jayfeather: I learned that Mr. Handsome Face was you, Ms. Poopyhead was accurately Mom, Mr. Kid Who Eats All of Mr. Handsome Face's Food And Cuddles With Mr. Handsome Face's Wife was Breezepelt, Ms. Desperate I Need A Husband To Make Kits was Nightcloud, and Mr. Cutie Pie Face- *draws in a breath*

Crowfeather: *slyly* Go on...

Jayfeather: Mr. Cutie Pie Face was me! *sobs* Oh, the humiliation! Oh, the shame! Why did I have to be cursed with a cute face? WHY?

Lionblaze: *pets Jay's head* Cootchie cootchie!

Jayfeather: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Crowfeather: You got that right! Now that we're al- *bleeds to death*

Lionblaze: Breezepelt! You killed him!

Breezepelt: *holds up bloody claws* Yeah, so?

Jayfeather: Is that REALLY the first person you killed? I killed Flametail.

Lionblaze: And I killed Russetfur. Hollyleaf killed Ashfur and tried to kill Leafpool before Hawkfrost gave her what she deserved.

Breezepelt: Crud! How did I let that warrior-code following butt beat me in killing somebody?

Jayfeather: What the DF did chu just say?!

Breezepelt: I said, you little deaf and blind twerp-

Jayfeather: YAH! *leaps on Breeze, clawing him* You're! Talking! About! My! Dead! Sister!

Lionblaze: Truth be told, I never really cared for her.

Jayfeather:... ... ... WHAT THE BADGERDUNG IS WRONG WITH YOU!? *leaps on Lion* YAH!

Lionblaze: Aah! He's squishing me with his obscene weight!

Jayfeather: All the more reason to claw your balls out!

Lionblaze: No! I need them! I need them for... ball needing purpose's!

Breezepelt: Uh, y'know, kids are watching us. *points at a random kit*

Fernkit: What's a balls?

Jayfeather: *stops clawing Lionblaze* Uh, well, see...

Breezepelt: A ball, little kid, is a donut hole?

Fernkit: * innocently* Oh. Can you cut one off, and give it to me? I love donuts!

Lionblaze: Well, "balls" is actually a idiom for...

Jayfeather: *slaps tail over Lionblaze's mouth* Lionblaze! It's a little SHE-kit!

Lionblaze: So what? She's gonna learn eventually!

Breezepelt: Still, she's a slimy girl. we can't share our men secrets with slimy girls.

LionJayBreeze: *that parts where almost all of the characters are arguing*

Fernkit: *slowly backs away* Daddy! These big toms are scaring me! And they have a dead body with them! I'm really scared!

LionJayBreeze: *a hulking shadow covers them*

Hawkfrost: What are you doing with my kit?

Jayfeather: *whines, and cowers behind Lion*

Lionblaze: Oh, we were just... playing!

Fernkit: I thought we were talking about doughnut balls.

Hawkfrost: *pulls Fernkit closer to him* EXCUSE ME?

Breezepelt: No! It's not like that! We were talking about doughnut holes.

Hawkfrost: Breezepelt, I have watched you train and get cozy in the Dark Forest for a long time. I know when you're lying or not.

Breezepelt: Oh.

Lionblaze: *picks up Breeze and Jay and Crow's body* We would LOVE to stay and chit-chat, but we need to go to a... Father and Son farting class! So bye!

Lion, Breeze, Jay: *high-tail it outta there*

Fernkit: Dad?

Hawkfrost: Hmm?

Fernkit: I've seen enough dead bodies to know that their father was dead.

Hawkfrost: Good job, Fernkit. *pats her head* We'll make a good villain out of you yet.

Fernkit: Thanks! And... Dad?

Hawkfrost: Yes, Fernky? (yes, I meant to spell it like that)

Fernkit: They weren't talking about doughnut holes. They were talking about balls. Men's balls.

Hawkfrost: *sighs* Fernkit, I know I say learn as much about your surroundings as possible so you can destroy and control them, but that's too much knowledge.

Fernkit: Doesn't matter. At least I got to see ONE dead body today.

Hawkfrost: Yep. A day isn't complete without it.

Fernkit: Can we go to Grandpa's house and learn how to do that complicated killing move?

Hawkfrost: *purrs* Of course, my little murderer. Come on.

Fernkit: Yay! *grabs Hawkfrost's paw, and skips alongside him* You know, I'm only going for that pie he has in his fridge, right?

Hawkfrost: Yep. Me too.

No, It goes to Ashfur! That's an OBIVIOUS one.

Ok, Jayfeather, maybe you shouldn't have an apprentice who causes wounds instead of fixing them. *pushes Everkit toward him* Ahem. This right here is a lovely Everkit. This kit has singing powers that make her sound like Sia - totally harmless!

Jayfeather: Uh yeah, I would rather have an apprentice that burns me, instead of one who burns my ears all foxing day.

Everkit: I'm telling my daddy on you! *runs away, crying*

Thrushkit, you only get to be a kit for a few moons of your life. The rest is a whole lot of relentless

risks, annoying prophecies, and brutal murders. You better enjoy being a innocent, helpless kit who

gets fed and bathed all the time. It won't last forever. *backs away into the shadows*

Thrushkit: You know, I can see you.

Too true. I absolutely HATE algebra, I wish it would just burn. But I love writing, and reading too! (If I had more books to read)

Oh, Jayfeather...

WHY THE HECKING HECK HECK ARE YOU MOONING OVER A DEAD CINDERHEART?!
WHAT IS IT WITH YOU, AND DEAD CATS? HUH?

That is just messed up. Then you're doing it in front of a minor.

Jayfeather: Yep, Bramblestar was just as bossy as Lionblaze is now.

LionblazeBramblestar: We are NOT bossy!

Crowfeather: *pops outta nowhere* *slaps Bramble* That's for making my son bossy! *slaps Lion* That's for lying!

Jayfeather: *high-paws Crow* And that's for just being plain awesome. *dabs away*

Skykit: But I don't wanna be a medicine cat!

Jayfeather: *intenseifies*

Jayfether: *inhales*

Jayfeather: GIRL!

Why do these cats have so many visions? Why can't they just live normal cat lives, concerning family and relationships and stuff?

Nevermind, there's enough of that as it is.

Gee Leafpool, let the med do his job!