AN: Hi guys thank you so much for all the love that you all have left me and the reviews! They have seriously made my whole month. I am sorry that it is taking me so long to update any of the stories. Real life has not been kind to me. But you know that saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Anyways I hope you like this chapter and please leave me some more love to let me know what you think.

Thank you SarcsticBimbo for fixin' this chapter.

Nobody is sure what to do at this point, so we all stand there while my mother keeps going on and on, moving her hands from Bella's hips to her stomach to her breast. She is actually cupping Bella's tits and moving them up and down like she is inspecting a melon at the grocery store while simultaneously yelling a play by play at my dad; like he's not watching and enjoying the fuck out of the show! Fuck me, they are definitely leaving my ass now. My mother is the craziest person ever and my dad is such a fucking horny pervert. No wonder I never even think of bringing anyone home. Fuck that, no one likes to be rejected.

"Carl, look at her hips! Her pelvis bones look like they are already wide enough for two grandbabies! Oh, and just look at her breasts, they will hold more than enough milk to feed the babies. I just can't wait to get my hands on them! How many do you think you will have? Five or six? I mean, I will be happy with more but really it is up to you guys, I guess!" My mother has completely lost her damn mind, that much I can tell you! Five or six kids my ass! Where the fuck I am suppose to put them and who is going to be watch all these bad ass little fuckers? No, no, fuck that shit! It's not happening on my watch! I don't want to freak out too much so I take a deep breath and check to see what Jasper thinks of all the fucked up shit coming out of my mother's mouth!

He is standing there wide eyed and mouth agape, looking like he can't decide if he should grab Bella and run or step in and save us both! Poor man has probably never met anyone quite like Esme Cullen before! Personally, I think Bella will have to stop my mom before she has us moved into the family home. And that shit isn't happening. No way on God's green earth do I want my mother living in the same house as me!

I turn to look at Bella, horrified that my mother is trying to turn us into the next John and Kate only to find her smiling and nodding right along to each and every fucked up word that my crazy ass mother has been saying. Just as I am about to lose my mind, Jasper steps over to Bella and gently pushes my mama off of her. He gives her that sexy ass smile of his to soften the blow. "Now as funny as this has been I'm going to have to ask you to please stop feeling up our girlfriend. Don't get me wrong here, I know just how sexy and irresistible her luscious body is first hand, but that doesn't mean I want anybody else touching her. Now, you said something about breakfast, didn't you? Why don't we all sit down and eat and talk, without using our hands? Sounds good?"

God bless his sexy ass, because as soon as my mother is not touching Bella anymore she stops nodding her pretty little head like a fucking bobble-head doll and it looks like everything that my mother was spewing has finally caught up to her. Bella's eyes get really big and she starts breathing a little bit faster like she did earlier. I'm not sure if I should try and stop her before she starts or wait and see what she is really thinking because it's like Bella completely loses her filter when she is like this and speaks exactly what she is thinking!

"Oh, sweet Mother of God, what the hell was that, Edward? Seriously, I would love to have some beautiful babies with you, but not six. Is she crazy? Six? What the hell are we going to do with six kids? Oh my God, I am not popping out six babies. Do I look like the next Mrs. Duggar to you? Cuz I'm not. Hell, after three they'll probably start walking out on their own. No way, not happening. I don't give a shit how sexy you are or how good the dick is, because let me tell you what, that dick is amazing but not amazing enough for me to pop out six babies. Oh yeah, and your mother is never allowed alone with me because she's got some voodoo shit going on where I was just agreeing to everything. Is she secretly a witch and you just didn't tell me? That's it, isn't it?She's doing wordless and wandless magic. I mean, I am totally cool with her being a witch as long as she doesn't cast any spells on me but seriously I'm kind of freaking out here, Edward! Jasper, are you laughing? Oh, you better not be laughing, this is not cool. What the fuck? I need to drink and it's only 9 in the morning." After that Bella turns around and starts to shake her head, like she is trying to clear it from some spell, and mumble under her breath. Only she isn't quite quiet enough and we still hear her. "Okay, okay, okay, I can do this and I can handle this. I'm going to go sit 're going to have a good breakfast. I'm going to impress his family and they are going to love me. His mother is not going to talk about six babies anymore. I mean, holy hell we just started dating; we are not thinking about babies right now. Jasper is going to be my rock; he's going to be there in case I need him and Edward is going to be there to support me and everything is going to be fine. No more craziness, Bella, and no more baby talk. Just breathe in and out and everything will be fine. You like him, it's ok to like him, y'all are in a relationship together. Yes, it has started out really rocky and really fucking crazy but that's okay because I really think it's worth it. So suck it up, put on your happy face, pull up your big girl panties, and let's do this."

Half way through her little rant Jasper and I sandwich her between us and hug her tight! Jasper looks at me over her head with this worried expression on his face and I know I had to do something before things got out of hand. I turned her head so that she was looking directly at me and into my eyes. I wanted to make sure she knew how sincere I was.

Once she was looking at me and I knew I had her full attention I raise my hands and signed, "Bella baby, sweetheart, I am so sorry for my mother and my pervy father and I will talk to them about toning down all the craziness. But unfortunately we are kind of a package deal here, honey. You have to take them with me. But I will be making sure to get my keys back so there will be no more surprise visits in the future. I am very happy with the way our relationship is right now and as much as I would love for you to start popping out my baby we are nowhere near ready for that. Now, how about we sit down, have some breakfast and get to know everybody just a little bit better?"

Once I was done speaking to her I grabbed her hand and led her and Jasper over to the table where my mother had a huge buffet set up. You name it, it was there. Biscuits, gravy, sausage, ham, bacon, hash browns, she even had fried apples on the table. Man, she must really like Bella and Jasper for her to go all out like this. I sat Jasper to my right and Bella to my left so that way I was between them in case I needed to comfort either of them.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I'm sitting in the middle of them to make sure neither of my parents try anything else.

Everybody is quiet while they load up their plates and pour their drinks, but I swear, I get the feeling this is the calm before the storm. My instincts are proven correct yet again when I look up and see Rose staring at Bella with a devious smirk before opening her mouth.

"So Bella, did you get what you came in for? Or were you too distracted by Edward zipper-ripper?"

And there you have it people; my sister Rosalie. I can only pray to God that Emmett doesn't join in on the teasing that I know is about to happen.

AN: I am not sure when I will update again, but please understand that I have three children (one that is borderline autistic and needs my attention almost constantly and one that is sixteen months old) and a husband. I will try and update again, but I can't give you an actual date, just bear with me.