That's Not It

Tag to Road Trip

Summary: What I think Sam meant by the last thing he said to Dean. (Very short one-shot)

AN: Forgive any "misquotes" of Dean's. There's no transcript out for it yet and I can't handle watching it again to write it down.

*~.~*

"I'm poison, Sam," Dean told him. "Everyone I get close to ends up screwed. I'm not gonna drag anyone through the muck with me. Not anymore..."

"Go, then. I won't stop you," Sam replied. He was still angry. He was still angry that he was angry. It was because he totally got it. He understood. He's done it himself. "Go, but...know that, that's not it."

That's not it.

You're not poison, Dean. That's not why these things happen. I know that for a fact. I know it because it's really me. I'm the reason those things happen. It's the only reason you ever screw up, and it's the only reason why people get hurt. You think you're poisonous. You think it's because you get near them and they're cursed because they know you.

That's not it.

We've lost people. A lot of people. You said it yourself, though; we save more than we lose, and that's true. It's the one's we let in. The ones we let get too close. They end up being the ones we lose and it hurts more than a thousand losses, more than the thousands of innocent demon-meatsuits we've slain while 'trying to do the right thing'. And you don't ever add those losses up. You don't even remember them because you can't because it would kill you. But you can't help but to remember the ones that got too close. But it wasn't because they got close, Dean.

That's not it.

Remember years ago, when I was trying to do the right thing, trying to save the world by doing something really, really awful that I had to look past just to be able to convince myself that it didn't matter because it would save everyone in the end? It would save you? You remember that, Dean? Remember when I told you that I was sorry? Remember when I told you I had to leave because I was dangerous? I thought I was poison to everyone who ever got close to me, too. I thought my presence was only making things worse, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. People I cared about, I thought I was a curse to them. To Jess...to everyone. But it wasn't because they got too close, Dean.

That's not it.

It's the same reason. The same thing for both of us. The same way it's always been and probably always will be. We're always fighting the monsters. Always trying to save people, and most of the time, yeah, we win. We save the day. Sometimes we're not so lucky. We count our losses. We feel like hell and we mourn them. Then we get back up and go to the next town and save some more people. It's what we do. It's what we were raised to do and there's no other life for us. And that's okay. It's okay because we're not alone. Being alone is when the job gets hard. Being alone makes this life seem dark and dirty and horrible and you can't see the light anymore. We couldn't be who we are without the other. And that's what it is, Dean. That's what the problem is. We're not poison, Dean.

That's not it.

What it is, is that we have an unspoken rule. One that's imprinted on our very souls, and even if we somehow had the chance to change it, we wouldn't. We lose people. We lose people that we get close to. We lose them because we try to save each other, too. You and me, Dean, against the world, remember? You told me, "There ain't no me if there ain't no you," and you're right. It's our weakness. It's the reason why we lose people sometimes. We lose them saving each other.

You're not poison, Dean.

That's not it.

It's because you love me so much.

~end

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AN: So on that sappy-ass note, lemme plug FANCON here. Because reasons. Good reasons. We're raising money for charity and having a big party with our fanfic writer and reader friends this July in VA! So drop on by our site, fandom-con dot com, and see how you can participate, even if you can't make the trip! Right now we have a raffle going on for a Supernatural Colt replica! Check out the raffles | stories4charity tab for that, and at the bottom half of that page you'll see the opportunity to get your own custom fanfiction by the author of your choice on the list!