A/N: Alright here it is at long last, some input from me. Yes I finally got off my lazy arse (or got on it? I dunno) and wrote this in, ta da, two days! And now that I have the ball rolling I'll also be writing the next chapter after this one! So read and enjoy, review, flame, whatever!
Chapter Ten – Lies Through My Love
"Num nums, Andie…come on sweetie just try a little bit…look, I'll have some and show you how good it is!" Ash's enthusiastic voice bought a smile to my lips and an uncontrollable laugh escaped as he downed a baby spoonful of strained peas.
Andrea was also highly entertained at his attempts to try feeding her solids. What should have been a milestone on her baby road was actually becoming an almost impossible attempt and judging by the look on Ash's face, I could see why.
"Num nums, Ash?" I teased with a grin.
"I'll num num you" he muttered, looking slightly sick at the taste of the pureed food. "I can't believe we used to eat this stuff."
"Come on, you told Andrea it was good, how can she eat it without her daddy's approval?" Brock asked with a raised eyebrow. I sighed and shook my head in wary disdain as I took Andrea out of the high chair and held her grubby, pea encrusted form in my arms.
"I'm going to wash her up, and then I'm going to give her a proper feed. I told you she was too early for solids" I smirked.
"Since when was bringing up a child a contest?" Ash shrugged. "You do that, me and Brock are gonna watch the game."
"What game?" I asked in surprise. Ash wasn't one for baseball or football or any sport for that matter that didn't concern a bloodthirsty pokemon battle.
"Just…whatever's on" Ash replied vaguely. I rolled my eyes. In Ash's language that meant they were going to sprawl on the couch flicking the channels for half an hour, missing any chance to watch a full program because they couldn't decide.
"Fine, I'll see you guys in the lounge." With that I carried Andrea into the bathroom and laid her on her changing table while getting a warm washcloth ready.
It was funny, I mused as I checked the temperature of the water. In reality Ash was just like any other guy his age. His priorities were just a little different now, that was all. He had a child and a partner to love and protect. No biggie. There was still room for everything else other teenagers did.
God, who was I kidding?
I had to wonder if everything over the last couple of months would have been so dramatic if we hadn't been noticed. If Ash was just some high school drop out who knocked up his girlfriend, if he had done the decent thing and married me to make it legit, if he had no stupid titles or positions and I had no famous family, would everything still be as difficult as it was?
Well, obviously bringing up a child at sixteen is no walk in the park. Living with someone you love more than anything but who surprises you every day with the little things is the same.
It's strange. You think you know someone, you may have talked to them every day for years and believe you know them inside out, then you live with them and…they can turn out to be so different.
In my eyes, Ash had always been a boy who wanted to be a man. He wanted to prove his worth but was blinded by his childhood dreams and ambitions, he wanted to be mature but battling and winning tournaments got in the way.
Reading his journal the other night had given me a whole new perspective about him. I never knew his thoughts could be so provoking, his mind so cramped with things he could only tell a book.
Then again, I wasn't much better. Pouring my confused and wary heart out to Brock when really I should've been more upfront with Ash.
"That's better, isn't it Andie D?" I rhetorically asked my daughter, her clean up now complete. She grinned as she tried to grab a hunk of my hair. "No, that hurts mommy. Hurts" I emphasised. She stared dumfounded for a minute but then laughed as if I had said nothing. I guess in her eyes I had only babbled. Little did she know the dreaded H word would come to attack her in so many different shapes and forms in her lifetime.
I'd have given anything to stop her from going through that. But I couldn't. Not with our background.
I walked back into the lounge and gingerly sat beside a bored looking Ash, remote in one hand and a glazed look in his eye. The TV was periodically changing channels and I sighed.
"Just pick something for crying out loud" I muttered as I started to feed Andrea. Ash instantly came to attention and threw the remote back on the table.
"What do you wanna do today?" he asked timidly.
"Do? What do I wanna do?" I asked in disbelief. "I have about ten loads of washing that need to go through, a sink full of festering dishes, sheets that have more mothballs than your grandmother's wardrobe and…now wait, there was something else…oh yeah! There's our child to consider on top of all that!"
Both Ash and Brock looked at me with wide eyes of surprise. Well really, what did they expect, an excursion to an amusement park?
"Look, I might…uh, go start on those dishes." Brock somehow managed to stammer through the sentence and shot out of the lounge before anyone could respond. I couldn't meet Ash's eyes and instead concentrated on Andrea's slowly listing form. It was amazing how babies could fall asleep while eating. Then again, it could just be the girls who do that, multi-tasking and all…
"Misty, what's the problem? Brock said you weren't acting yourself this morning."
Ash's voice brought me back to reality and I slowly raised my eyes to meet his concerned ones. Chocolate pools that had conveyed so much to me already were now bathed in pure worry and I shakily smiled some sort of reassurance.
"I'm fine, Ash. Why wouldn't I be?" I looked down at Andrea again. "Everything's fine."
"Don't lie to me Mist, I'm not stupid. Is it your dad? Your mom? Your sisters? God, I don't know, is it me?" Ash asked in a flurry.
"It's nothing!" I snapped. I knew my eyes were blazing, I knew I should've just listened to him instead of making a mountain out of a molehill but dammit, I was tired and confused and had so much going on in my head.
"Why do you hide everything from me, Mist? When we first went out we used to talk about everything, you couldn't fathom the thought of hiding anything from me! What's changed?" Ash's voice had a hint of desperation to it.
"You want to know what's changed?" I asked in exasperation.
"Yes, and don't point out Andrea, I'm not looking for the obvious here." Ash sighed at the end of the sentence and held my spare hand. "I'm looking for the stuff you hide way down in your soul. The stuff that makes you cry when you think I'm not looking, the things that haunt your dreams when you toss and turn at night. I can only guess, we've been dealt so much crap it's hard to know."
You have no idea Ash, I thought to myself. You don't know that I fleetingly considered leaving you and Andrea to inherite some money. You don't know that I've snooped into your most personal thoughts and feelings.
And most of all, you don't know that I'm involuntarily distancing myself from you because I'm so scared. So, so scared of losing you.
Andrea was purring quietly in my arms, little baby snores full of warmth and innocence. I stroked a long finger down her plump cheek and whispered my response to Ash.
"You don't know a lot, Ash. And you don't need to. I'm going to put Andrea down for her nap, could you give Brock a hand with the dishes?" And with that off hand remark I briskly walked back to Andrea's room, leaving Ash staring after me dumbfoundly.
I heard Ash and Brock mumbling to each other in the kitchen as I laid Andie down and stared at her wistfully. If only I could pick you up and run away from all this. Run away from my doubts and fears, run to another world where I could wrap you up in cotton candy and protect you from the things I worry about most…
Such childish thoughts. Why can't I grow up? I walked, trance like, back to my room and stared at the chaos within. Clothes on the floor, drawers caked in dust, bills and coffee cups and bottles strewn in various places. I could've cleaned this up but not today. Not now.
I flopped on the edge of the bed and stared at the ground. My thoughts became too confused to make any sense.
Why does Ash hide such deep feelings from me? Why do I feel so lost and lonely when I have the most wonderful family under the same roof as me?
In short, what the hell was wrong with me?
I felt the familiar clenching of my throat consuming me, willing my eyes to squeeze out even more salty tears. It was a command I quickly succumbed to as I watched the droplets fall to the cream carpet below me.
"Oh Mist." I heard Ash sigh as he sat beside me and wrapped those familiar arms around my shaking form. "Come on babe, it's okay, we'll make it work. I didn't mean to get edgy before." He raised my face to meet his and smiled assuredly. "I just want to help you. You know that. I love you more than anything. I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy Misty, I swore that to myself when you let me back into your life."
"But you don't understand" I sobbed. "I just feel so confused, so weird! I'm not myself at the moment and I don't know why!"
"Honey, you've lost your father, practically divorced your mother and you're raising a newborn child. The reason you're not yourself is because you're trying to be a hero" Ash said gently. "You can't carry all this on your shoulders. You know you can't. And I know something happened in Cerulean that you're not telling me about. You've been avoiding it ever since we got back." He raised an eyebrow at me and I turned away.
He would never forgive me if I told him the proposition my mother had imposed on me, or that I had opened his journal and delved into thoughts he obviously didn't want me to know.
Then again, if I kept all this inside me much longer I might head for a nervous breakdown. Andrea didn't deserve a mother like me at the moment, and Ash didn't deserve to have to put up with me the way I was.
"Ash, I don't know if I should tell you, but…" I cut myself off as a cramp went through my stomach. They had been frequenting more often than not but this one was a doozy. I winced at the pain and tried to get back to what I was saying. "Ash, I – oh God" I cringed.
"Misty? Misty what's wrong?" Ash was panicking and grasping my hand. His words were becoming more distant as the pain became more excruciating.
"Just a stomach…bug" I gasped through the searing aches in my stomach. I was about to ask Ash to grab some painkillers but the words were stuck in the back of my throat, suffocated by this increasing pain.
I remember wondering if our room had always been on a tilt before being plunged into a world of darkness.
God it was bright. I'd have given anything to dim the lights, shut a curtain, something to get me away from this sterile brightness.
I didn't need to be told I was in a hospital. The nurse standing over me and the drip beside my bed that was feeding into my arm confirmed that straight away.
But of course, what got me more was Ash's face. He was staring into a corner, looking through me. I wonder if he even knew I was there until I touched his face, removing my hand from the powerful grasp he had on it.
"Misty, you're awake" he smiled instantly. "Don't try and talk" he hushed me before I even started. "You've gotta rest. You've got to…" He trailed off and started staring again.
By now things were being recalled by my hazy brain. The crying, the debating whether to tell Ash certain things, the cramps…
Of course. That was what put me in here in the first place. I remember it being painful but surely it wasn't that bad?
"Ash? What's going on?" I asked shakily.
He very slowly reverted his eyes back towards me and sighed deeply. "I don't know…maybe we should wait for the doctor to come back."
"Don't you dare, Ash. If there's something I've got to be told I want to hear it from you, not some whitecoat entrenched stranger" I said firmly. Ash gave me a small smile but it quickly absolved when he sighed again.
"Where's Andrea?" I suddenly asked before he could begin speaking. "Where is she? We didn't leave her in the apartment did we?" The panic in my voice was rising and Ash squeezed my hand reassuredly.
"Do you think I'd do that? No, she's in the waiting room with Mom and Brock."
"But she needs another nap before dinner…she probably needs another feed too, I better go and…"
"Misty don't be so bloody stupid, stay there and don't move a muscle" Ash snapped. I stared at him in disbelief. Trust him to get angry at a hospital. He scrunched his eyes shut for a minute and then started stroking my hair. "Sorry, I'm sorry hun, this is just so hard."
"Why would a few stomach cramps be so hard? Give me some morphine and I'll be on my way" I teased. His face didn't even attempt a smile and I became downcast.
Suddenly, it hit me.
"Oh my God" I whispered. He looked at me, nothing but sombre in his expression. "Not again Ash…I can't be again…we were so careful and did everything right! I can't be, I just can't be! How is it possible that I'm pregnant!" I exclaimed.
"Misty, please…"
"Don't please me, you sod! Why do you have to be so damn fertile? And so damn demanding, I mean if you were like any other exhausted parent you wouldn't be asking for it every night, but nooo, not Ash Ketchum, he's rearing to go impregnate his already overworked girlfriend any night of the…"
"MISTY! For Chrissakes, you're not pregnant!" Ash suddenly yelled, interrupting my tirade of words. "I'd be delighted if you were given the circumstances now!"
"Well I'm glad one of us would be" I muttered. I paused to consider his words and looked him square in the eye as I spoke. "What circumstances are we talking, Ash?"
And to my complete horror, Ash started to cry. Really started sobbing, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably but the grasp on my hand still strong. Seeing him like this only made what was before a minimal worry grow into an ugly, consuming panic within me.
"Ash." I tried to keep my voice calm, disguising the fear I was really feeling. "Ash please, just tell me."
"They…the doctors, they found something. Something bad" Ash managed to choke out. I nodded, gently encouraging him to go on. "It's the reasons for your cramps and they say it's a good thing we found it this early. You're probably gonna be okay."
"Probably! What the hell makes them think probably? Ash, for God's sake, tell me before I grab Andrea and run out of here without you!" I threatened. I watched as he took a deep sigh and muttered something under his breath. Something along the lines of, "I don't want to hurt you."
Hurt me? What could possibly…
"Misty, they've found a tumour in your ovaries. They don't know if it's benign or malignant, they want to keep you in here for some more tests. They did a CT scan while you were unconscious, and some blood tests…" Ash's tear ravaged face rose from its bowed state to meet my rapidly paling one. "They're not going to have the results until tomorrow."
My first thought at this news was how ironic life is. The last time I was in hospital (if you don't count while I was giving birth…), the day I found out I was pregnant, I had asked the doctor if I had cancer. I had panicked and freaked out thinking that I couldn't possibly live with that. Then I got told I was pregnant, and suddenly I had found myself wishing for cancer, anything, instead of a child I didn't think I could bring up. A child I now couldn't live without.
God, life dealt some tough breaks.
Ash started crying again and I tried to pull myself together, away from ironic memories. I knew better than anyone that if Ash was crying it wasn't good in any respect. I hadn't seen him cry since…I couldn't even remember when.
And then it happened. My life literally flashed before my eyes.
Well, okay, I didn't see the light or have a stirring musical rendition of my life's highlights. But being told you could possibly have a fatal tumour, being told that the doctors are as clueless as you, plays with your mind a bit.
I saw so much I hadn't thought about in so long. I saw my sisters performing for the first time, gazing up at their confident, radiant smiles and wishing I could be like them when I was older. A wish that would later backfire on me but it was there at the time all the same.
I saw Ash for the first time. Hauling him out of that river, grubby and bewildered on his first day of pokemon training. Looking at him and feeling my heart momentarily leap into my chest before yelling some Misty trademark comment at him.
Ash asking me out properly. Ash telling me he loved me. Ash announcing that he was leaving me for Giselle. Ash begging my forgiveness at Washbay, our first kiss, our first night together, finding out I was pregnant, my sisters' betrayal, holding Andrea for the first time, hearing that Dad had died...
So many memories crammed into that one moment and I lapsed into silence thinking of it all. What had I taken for granted? Should I try and convince my sisters to forgive me? Was it really my fault Dad had died?
I sat up properly and held his hand tight in mine until he finally looked at me. For the first time in months he looked lost, almost like how I had been feeling for the past couple of days with the mounting secrets I had been hiding from him. I wanted nothing more now than to tell him everything, to let him know that yes, I had considered running back to Mom in a moment of insanity.
It all seemed so insignificant compared to what we now could possibly be facing.
"I can't lose you, Mist. I just can't. I'd lose a part of myself, I'd be an absolutely hopeless father to Andie. It's not fair, what have you of all people done to deserve this? Why you? Why not me?" Ash said shakily.
I bit my lip, trying to build up some confidence within myself.
"It's okay. We'll get through this, Ash. I'm not letting something like this bring us down, especially now that we have Andrea. Not after everything we've been through. Everything's going to be okay."
You're lying to him again, Misty. First mom's idea, then the journal, and now this. Lying to your soulmate, saying everything's going to be fine…
When really all you can think about is if you're going to live to see your daughter's first day of school.
A/N: Yay! All done! Now I'm away for the next week so I won't start writing the next one until I get back, but I promise now that I'm into it there won't be as huge delays as there have been. I can't believe how slack I got. Okay I'll stop ranting, please leave any thoughts you have, both myself and Geo appreciate them all. Thanks and have a good one!