South Park © Matt & Trey.

This started out as just something silly but it eventually grew a bit… horror-esque. Also, I don't even know anything about American schools, so their campus is fictional.

Kyle's POV

It's the first week of college and I can tell dorm life will be very different from living with my parents. A bunch of us decided to attend the same school so we could experience the college years together and not grow apart. It seemed like a nice idea, but now I'm kind of unsure. Do I really want to spend the next four years with Cartman? I used to fantasize about university and the possibility of getting away from him… but shit happens and things change, I suppose. I guess I'll just have to put my distaste aside if I want my university experience to be pleasant.

And speak of the devil –

"You guys, you guys!" Cartman shouts as he barges into the room I share with Stan. He's waving around a piece of paper frantically, eyes buggering out of his head.

"What?" I sigh warily.

"Let's do this!" he shouts some more. "We have to do this, I am so seriously!"

"You're so seriously, hm?" I ask in a teasing tone.

"I've never been this seriously before," he continues, not quite catching my taunt.

"What is it?" Stan asks, sounding a little curious.

"It's a scavenger hunt," the fat ass explains.

I raise my eyebrow, not quite liking the sound of that. I snatch the paper from him and read it.

SCAVENGER HUNT

9PM – 5AM

SIGN UP IN SETON CENTER

(NO MORE THAN SIX MEMBERS – MUST BE 18 OR OLDER)

Holy hell, that hardly sounds safe. "No," is all I say as I hand it back to him.

"What?" he whines. "Why not?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?" I scoff. "Do you know how horrific those frosh week hunts can get? It doesn't say eighteen plus just for the sake of it. The tasks can get really brutal and nasty. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not looking to get naked for anyone."

"So, what?" Cartman shrugs. "There's a reward."

"What is it?" I inquire. Surely it's not worth making a fool of ourselves.

"Three thousand bucks."

"That's not that much," I say. "Between six people, that's only five hundred dollars. I'm not embarrassing myself for that little. Jesus Christ…"

"Come on, Kyle," Stan cuts in, trying to reason with me. "It might be fun. Scavenger hunts are part of the frosh experience. Besides, it's always good to go outside your comfort zone. If you don't join us, you'll just have to spend the next few days hearing us talk about it."

"Like I care." I cross my arms stubbornly.

"Kinny's in if you guys are," Cartman adds. "He's trying to recruit Clyde and Craig-Fag."

"That'd be fucking funny," I snort. "If you can manage to convince Craig, I'll surely go."

"Craig will totally come," Cartman insists. "He won't want to be the odd one out."

"I don't think Craig cares about being the odd one out."

"I think Craig cares about a lot more than he lets on."

"Right," I scoff. What a weird thought.

But sure enough, Craig comes along with us and Stan drags me to Seton center to meet up with the guys. The frosh leaders are standing in the front of the room looking like they're so high and mighty. I hate this stupid hierarchy.

"Okay, kids," one of them starts tauntingly, "We've got thirty tasks for you to try and complete. Photo and video evidence is, of course, necessary. If it doesn't explicitly say the task must be completed with a stranger, you're free to do it with a team member. If it doesn't state how many people are to participate, it doesn't matter as long as one teammate does the task."

"You have the whole night to complete the list," the other adds after all the rules are explained, "So we'll see you all back here when the sun comes up… Now disperse, have fun and be safe."

I begin reading the list, noticing how the tasks grow more embarrassing as the list goes on –

1. Picture with a cop - 5 points

2. Propose to a stranger – 5 points

3. Get a stranger to propose to you – 5 points

4. Use a raunchy pickup line on a stranger – 5 points

5. Climb a tree and reach the top – 5 points

6. Get a girl's phone number – 10 points

7. Get a boy's phone number – 10 points

8. Picture with a live wild animal – 10 points

9. Video of you throwing a temper tantrum in public – 10 points

10. Order dinner at a restaurant and say grace before eating – 10 points

11. Do karaoke – 15 points

12. Get the shyest group member to buy a dildo – 15 points

13. Get a stranger to give you a piggy back – 15 points

14. Find some inappropriate graffiti – 15 points

15. Tell a stranger your most twisted fantasy – 15 points

16. Skinny dip in a fountain – 20 points

17. Video of a teammate pole dancing (any kind of pole works) – 20 points

18. Have a stranger give you a sharpie tattoo – 20 points

19. Video of a bar fight – 20 points

20. Have a stranger to buy you condoms – 20 points

21. Get a female's panties – 30 points

22. Get a male's boxers – 30 points

23. First base with a stranger – 30 points

24. Get in trouble with the cops – 30 points

25. Go to a bar and flirt with the oldest person you see – 30 points

26. Fake an orgasm in public – 40 points

27. Document someone getting sick – 50 points

28. Give or get a lap dance – 60 points

29. Third base with a stranger (below belt) – 70 points

30. Complete all tasks – 80 points

"Are some of these even legal?" I mumble. "Jesus Christ…" What a scandalous list.

"Shit," Cartman hisses after reading over my shoulder. "We don't have any girls in our group!"

"So?" I ask. "It isn't like we need to complete them all.

"Yes, we do," he says. "I want to win that money."

I only sigh.

"Well," Cartman snickers, "Kinny has a busy night ahead of him." I'm not looking forward to this. It's just going to give Cartman an excuse to torture Kenny and me with the worst tasks.

"Why's that?" Kenny cuts in.

"You'll be doing most of these. It'll give you an excuse to act like a slut. Think of it as practice for your future career."

Kenny raises an eyebrow. "And what may that be, Eric?" He sounds somewhat exasperated, as if he knows exactly what's about to be said because it's been said so many times before.

"Porn star," he says.

"I'm not gonna do porn, fat-tits."

"Then a prostitute, perhaps?"

"No. That's your mom," Kenny smirks.

"Ay!" Cartman shouts, clearly offended.

Kenny only laughs at his anger. Kenny wants to make something of himself. Unlike his parents, he wants to be someone. That's why we all know he's not going to choose that kind of career. Sure, he's a big pervert, but he's more than just that.

"Guys," Clyde cuts in, "We should get started instead of fighting about it."

"Clyde's right," Stan agrees, "What's first?"

"We should do the easiest ones first," I suggest. "After that, we should probably go find a party."

"I'd say let's go to a bar, but we're underage," Clyde says.

"Who cares?" Kenny adds, shrugging his shoulders. "I've been to loads of bars. At some, they won't ask unless you order a drink. It's a good place to start."

"So, are we decided?" Cartman asks.

"I think so," I say.

"Then let's go already!" he yells, ushering everyone out the door. A moment later, he pulls Kenny aside and says, "I think we're gonna have to get the J-E-W a little drunk and loosen him up a bit."

I'm surprised he spelled Jew right this time. Usually it's J-O-O. "I can hear you," I holler. "I can also spell."

"Okay, but seriously, Kahl," Cartman saunters next to me and pulls a silver flask out of his bag. "Just sip on this."

I snatch it from him. "What's in it?" I ask suspiciously.

"Whisky," he tells me.

Gross. "I hate whisky…" I wrinkle my nose.

He smirks. "But it'll make the night so much more enjoyable for you. Trust me."

I shake my head at him, but I open the cap nonetheless and take a sip. Tastes awful. "Disgusting," I grimace. "How did you even get this shit?"

"I jacked a bottle from my mum while I was packing my crap."

"She won't miss it?" I ask.

"She hardly knows what she does and doesn't have," Cartman snorts.

Fair enough… "Let's go to the downtown area," I suggest.

"Yeah, there's a sex shop on the way," Craig states, reading a map on his phone as we walk. "We can do that one, too."

"Who's the shyest?" Stan asks, glancing at everyone.

"Kahl," Cartman insists.

"No, I'm not!" I deny. "Stan is."

"Am I?" Stan asks.

"Maybe if we were ten you would be, but not anymore," Kenny cuts in. Whose side is he on, anyway?

"Who here is a virgin?" Cartman asks, crossing his arms and looking like he's trying to solve an important mystery, though that's hardly the case. No one raises an arm. Naturally. Cartman rolls his eyes. "Okay, who here is a virgin but doesn't want to admit it? I know we all haven't had sex."

"You're probably a virgin, fatty," I grit out.

"Nope!" he grins proudly. "I lost it in grade ten."

"You told us that, but I don't believe it," I say. "This is the type of thing you'd do! You'd hype it all up to disguise the fact that you're a virgin."

"I'm not a virgin, Kahl," he insists.

"It's true," Kenny snorts. "He's not."

"What?" I ask. "How do you know?"

"He lost it to Lola," he says. "I'm friends with her. She shamelessly admitted to it."

"Why would anyone admit to that?" I ask with a grimace.

"She said he was good," Kenny chuckles.

"Jesus Christ!" I groan.

Cartman laughs and laughs and laughs. "Okay, so we all know Stan fucked Wendy.. that was big news," he starts, "and Kinny is a whore who fucked half high school's female population. Clyde?"

"Bebe, duh," he says.

"Ah, right," Cartman mumbles, looking like he's mentally ticking off our names. "Craig, then?"

"I slept with Red in grade nine," he states somewhat disdainfully. Unfortunately, we all remember that night. Kenny thought it would be funny to get Craig good and drunk at Red's birthday party. It didn't end well. Craig was never the kind of guy who partook in alcohol. He didn't used to like things that mess around with his perception so dramatically. Weed is his drug of choice. He likes to keep it organic. I hear he's done shrooms a few times, but I'm not sure if that's just rumors. None of that swayed Kenny in the least. He was determined and we all got to learn Craig is a fucking weird drunk. He ended up taking off all his clothes and acting like it was no big deal. There Craig was: stark nude with a bottle of beer, walking, or rather, stumbling around the party and yelling at everyone who gave him a weird look.

At the time, Red liked Craig, and it was probably the best present Kenny could've given her. Unintentional, of course. They ended up sleeping together that night. I got to see it firsthand when I was trying to find a bathroom to puke in. A lot of people saw it. It was like Craig was barely conscious and Red was in her own world. They didn't notice the people watching them fuck. On Monday, everyone at school was talking about it. I don't think Craig has quite forgiven Kenny for pulling that little stunt. I doubt he intended for Craig to make an exhibitionist of himself, but nonetheless. I'd be pissed off, too. Craig is kind of reserved about most things. He missed a week of school and when he came back, he acted like nothing happened the previous weekend. Most people just went along with it. I think they were scared what Craig would do if it was brought up. He had a tough rep, but a few jocks thought it was funny and kept saying Craig got "raped by a chick". I think the whole thing is just fucking awful.

"Then that leaves Kyle," Cartman says, smiling sweetly at me. He left me last on purpose. He knows I'm the only virgin here. Fat asshole. "Kahl," he coos in a sugary tone. "Are you a virgin?"

"Fine," I snap. "Yes, I am and you know it!"

"Nothing wrong with that," Kenny says, patting my shoulder. "It's cute."

"The virgin goes," Cartman smirks and I glare at him.

"Just because I'm a virgin, it doesn't mean I'm shy!" I protest, though I suppose I am a little shy.

"The virgin goes," he repeats himself, not swayed by my attempt.

"I don't want to," I complain.

"Then down that liquid courage, Broflovski," he says in a business-like tone, "Because we'll be there in about ten minutes."

I sigh loudly and angrily as I take another sip and another sip and another. I'm hardly drunk by the time we reach the sex shop. Whisky is too hard to drink on its own.

"Kyle," Kenny dramatically sings my name, pulling my face into his chest. "You can do it."

"No," I deadpan.

He smiles, ruffling my hair.

"What kind should I get?" I ask angrily.

"I don't know, it's your money," Cartman gives me a lecherous grin. "Get the one you like the most."

God! How humiliating! I feel like dying right about now. I slowly approach the glass door, opening it and praying I can find what I need quickly without asking questions. There's a rough looking guy at the cash desk reading a magazine with a naked woman on it. This is all too stereotypical. If I have to ask that man anything I'll probably faint. "Hello," he says, nodding to me before looking back down at the magazine.

"Hi," I say evenly.

"Lemme know if you need any help," he offers, good naturedly.

"Will do, thanks," I tell him before sauntering behind the nearest rack. Jesus Christ, here they are in all their phallic glory. There's so many of them. I don't know how I'm supposed to decide. I let out a sigh, reaching for the cock-shaped object before sauntering back to the cashier. This truly is a nightmare.

"All set?" he asks.

"Yes," I place the damn thing on the counter. My cheeks are probably red as fucking tomatoes because the man is smiling as he rings me in.

"I've already had a couple of you kids," he says.

"Excuse me?" I ask, almost choking on my own spit as the words slide out.

"You're not the first timid kid to come in here tonight. You're on a scavenger hunt, right?" he chuckles, putting the dildo in a bag for me as I punch in my debit card password.

"Yes," I tersely mumble as I remove the card.

"Well, good luck."

"Thank you," I say as he hands me the bag. I calmly leave the store and the guys are all there waiting for me. Cartman has his camera in the air as I leave the store. "Ah, such sweet, sweet memories," he sighs happily. "I wish I could have seen the look on your face. Damn, your cheeks are some pink."

"Ass," I insult him.

"Clyde climbed a nearby tree with surprising ease while you were in there, so that ticks off another."

"Great…" I say cynically.

"So, show us what you got," he requests, holding out his hand while still filming. I hand him the bag, feeling pretty sour. "How nice, green is your color," he smirks, inspecting the contents. "Why don'tcha stick it up your ass. Maybe that'll earn us a few extra points."

I snatch the bag back from him before letting out a loud and angry growl and throwing my fist into his smug face.

"Ow, shit!" he yells, holding his nose with the hand that isn't currently holding the camera.

"I'm putting this thing in here," I say to Kenny, unzipping the backpack hanging off his shoulder and putting away the phallic object.

"Okay, no problem," he snickers.

"Next task, then?" Stan asks, looking humoured.

I shoot him an angry glance and he laughs guiltily, apologizing, "I'm sorry." He gives me a brief, one armed hug and says, "I'll make sure Cartman doesn't make you do all the embarrassing stuff."

"Lovely," I mumble.

"Look," Clyde points to a parked cop car. "Wasn't there one about a police?"

"Yeah," Cartman glances down at the list again. "We need a photo of one of us with a cop. How about it, Braceface?"

"Don't call me that," Craig says.

"Why not?" Cartman snorts. "You have braces."

Craig's eyes narrow.

"Come on, fag," the fat ass reasons crudely. "You need to do something."

Craig sighs before approaching the car and knocking on the driver's seat window.

"Yes?" the cop asks after rolling down the window.

"Can we get a picture with you?" Craig asks in an awkward murmur.

The cop laughs knowingly, "Is this a frosh week thing?"

"Yeah," Craig confirms.

"All right, sure, kid." He opens his door, getting out.

"Smile," Cartman sings as he raises his camera.

The cop smiles. Craig doesn't. Instead, he flips Cartman off.

"Hey, now pretend to arrest him!" Cartman shouts. The cop laughs, but obliges, forcing Craig down onto the hood of the car. Craig looks completely unimpressed and Cartman films the whole damn thing. Craig will be sour for the rest of the night.

"Thank you, Sir!" Kenny says afterward as Craig wordlessly sidles up next to him. "See, Craig, that wasn't so bad."

Craig just gives him an airy look, not bothering to respond.

"Okay, great," Cartman says, crossing another task off the list. "Let's head to the bar now."

I'm dreading it. This will surely be the worst part of the night.