[NOTE FROM EDITOR FRANK KNIVES: This section rated unofficially M for vulgar language, violent innuendo, and excessive amounts of Caboose.]

Fairy Kyuubi Productions proudly presents:

A Roast of EvilFuzzy9's 20 Earliest Fanfics

Part the Sixth:

Naruto: Champion Tournament

The students fight for the honor of their teachers in this sequel to Invader Naruto. Rated for moderately mature themes and occasional harsh language. One original character, forty percent more drama, and ninety percent more cheesiness.

"Jesus FUCKING Christ," groaned Private Leonard Church, official designation 'Epsilon'. "No. No way in HELL am I coming back to do something like THIS. And sure as SHIT not with YOU bastards!"

"Come on, Church!" said Private Michael J. Caboose, waving his arms around wildly. "It'll be fun!"

"I dunno, Caboose," said Tucker, first name Lavernius, who was technically the most senior member of the Blue Team once stationed in Blood Gulch. "I think I gotta side with Church on this one. Even if he is an asshole."

"I fucking hate you, Tucker," Church muttered.

"And I'm already having trouble remembering why we wanted you back," Tucker effortlessly riposted.

"Best. Friends. FOREVER!" declared Caboose.

"This is the worst idea I've ever heard," Agent Washington sighed.

Crossover - Invader Zim & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 4,991 - Reviews: 12 - Updated: 8/15/2008 - Published: 7/21/2006

EF9: Okay, konnichiwa, faithful fans and first-time readers of my stories, have I got a treat for you. A special tournament!

"OH MY GOD!" said Caboose. "A TOURNAMENT! Is it checkers? I am very good at checkers."

Kyuubi: Yes, EF9 has decided to write a more action filled story, there will be eighteen participating ninjas, plenty of fighting!

DEF666: But, unfortunately, EF9 sees it as his duty to write humor.

"This is especially unfortunate," drawled Tucker, "since he has NO sense of humor. I mean, Wash is a better comedian than this chucklehead."

"Gee, thanks," Washington muttered, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "You're a real pal, Tucker."

EF9: So worry not, faithful readers, you will still get some of my humorous fare. And, you can vote for the match ups you want!

Kyuubi: It will go like this, the matches will take one chapter each, and at the end of each chapter the name of one of the fighters will be announced.

DEF666: And you must review, and leave the name of who you want to fight against the ninja named at the end of the chapter.

"Good GOD," Church groaned. "How long is this freaking author's note? Get to the story, already!"

EF9: By the way this is a companion fic to Invader Naruto, and now with the disclaimer we have team 10!

Asuma: Come on guys get it over with.

Choji: I want meat!

"That's what she said," Tucker said.

Caboose cocked his Mark V helmeted head to one side, like a perplexed poodle clad in a half ton of high tech body armor.

"...I don't get it," he said.

"How old ARE you?" Wash wondered out loud.

"That is a secret," Caboose replied. "And I can't tell because then it wouldn't be a secret anymore."

Church may or may not have rolled his eyes.

Ino: I am not going to do his dirty work.

Shikamaru: Sigh, troublesome. EF9 doesn't own Invader Zim, Naruto, or Fairy Kyuubi (LON: He's my invention… sorta.).

Kyuubi: Now start the prologue, OF DOOM!

"Fucking FINALLY," Church muttered. "This story can't possibly be any dumber than that retarded ass author's note."

"Oh, I don't know," Caboose said. "I don't think it was THAT dumb."

"Yeah, you wouldn't," Tucker quipped.

DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM

It was a bright and sunny day, and the rookie nine, team gai, team 13, and the sand siblings, were given the day off so their sensei's could have their weekly game of poker.

"That sounds like it would be a more interesting premise for a story," Wash commented. "If well written."

"So, of course, it would suck if written by this dumbass," said Tucker.

Asuma: (puffing on a cigarette and looking at his hand) Hmm…two pairs and a jack. I raise ten dollars.

Kakashi: Ten dollars, you sure seem brave.

"Why are they using dollars in a world of ninja written by a Japanese person born in the twentieth century?" said Caboose.

Church stared at the regimental-blue armored private.

"...Jesus FUCK," he swore. "This story's so stupid it's making Caboose sound intelligent."

"I think I am very intellimagent."

Baki: Look who is talking, you aren't even playing. (to the others) I fold.

Kurenai: Hah! The big bad sand man hasn't stayed in once! I raise three dollars and a ramen coupon.

"...is that supposed to be funny?" Wash wondered out loud.

"I've heard better jokes at a funeral," Tucker commented.

"Yeah, that Grif guy did do a pretty good roast of his team's sergeant," Church agreed.

"...Dude, what?" said Tucker. "I was talking about YOUR funeral."

Church responded with a very rude gesture.

Gai: YES! VICTORY SHALL BE MINE, FOR I HAVE A YOUTHFUL FULL HOUSE! I RAISE FOURTEEN DOLLARS!

"OH MY GOD! WHY ARE WE YELLING?!" Caboose shouted.

EF9: Excellent. (Inner chibi does the Mr. Burns thing with his hands) I raise twenty-five dollars.

Washington blinked. This was a rather difficult gesture to convey with a closed helmet and opaque visor, but he managed to get it across.

"...wait, I thought this was the story?" he said. "Why is the author still talking?"

"Ehh, it's probably just a coincidence," said Tucker with a dismissive wave of his hand.

Kurenai: I fold.

Asuma: I'm staying in.

Gai: I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE WITH MY FIERY YOUTH, FOR YOU SHALL NOT INTIMIDATE ME!

"WHY AM I STILL YELLING?"

"Shut up, Caboose."

EF9: Okay. Hands in.

Gai, Asuma, and EF9 laid their cards on the table to reveal Asuma's two pairs, Gai's full house, and EF9's… royal flush!

EF9: All right, I win. Fork over the dough. Hah! I can't believe it! I usually have the worst of luck at this game! And I win forty-nine dollars! (Inner chibi does a shameless victory dance.)

Tucker stared at the screen.

"...what?"

Asuma: Oh well, I'm still the best instructor. One of my students my students is a chuunin after all.

"'And I will automatically assume that everyone reading this knows EXACTLY what that means,'" Wash droned sarcastically, ostensibly imitating Asuma.

Kurenai: Sweetie, Shikamaru was a genius before you started teaching him.

Gai: INDEED! MY STUDENTS FAR OUTSHINE ALL OTHERS!

"KITTENS! PUPPIES! OTHER SILLY-SOUNDING WORDS THAT MY CHARACTER WOULD RANDOMLY SHOUT OUT LOUD!"

"Jesus, Caboose," Church swore. "Right in my fucking ear. Or, well, headset I guess. Don't shout into the microphone."

Kakashi: I'm afraid you are mistaken, Gai, I have the best students.

Baki: Hah! You make me laugh, does your team have a jinchuuriki with near ultimate power?

"'And, again, I will assume you all know EXACTLY what that means without offering any kind of explanation whatsoever,'" said Washington.

Kakashi: As a matter of fact, yes. And he managed to defeat Gaara in his full Shukaku form.

"'And, again—'"

"Dude, seriously?" Tucker interjected. "It's fanfiction. If you stop to bitch every time they name drop some weird ass term with no explanation, we'll be here all night."

"Are you defending this story, Tucker?" Wash inquired, a dangerous tone in his voice.

Tucker went silent.

Seeing that this is a good time to stop a fight from breaking out, EF9 steps in and proposes that they settle the debate with a tournament.

"Well that sure wasn't out of nowhere or poorly-developed at ALL," Church drawled.

The rules being no killing the opponent, and that they be randomly chosen, one-on-one battles between their students.

So the others agreed and went to inform their students.

The next day, the six teams met up at the stadium that was used for the third portion of the Chuunin exams. The matches to be judged by Shizune, refereed by Jiraiya, and Tsunade was there to make it official. (But mostly because she likes watching kids beat the snot out of each other.)

"I have no idea who this lady is, but I like her style," said Tucker.

Tsunade: Okay, we are here to see kids wail on each other because their sensei's are too wimpy to settle it themselves. Now, the first match is-

"OH MY GOD A CLIFFHANGER!"

"SERIOUSLY, CABOOSE! SHUT UP!"

DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM

EF9: Okay now you readers must vote for who you want to fight-

Kyuubi: -Against Sasuke Uchiha.

DEF666: Now review and vote for who you want to up against Sasuke!

EF9: And it can't be anyone on his team.

"Because goodness knows that nobody has ever wanted to beat the stuffing out of their teammates," Tucker drawled.

TTFN!

EF9: Well, here is the second chapter.

Kyuubi: Neji vs. Sasuke!

DEF666: Woohoo… whatever.

Tsunade: Sasuke Uchiha versus Neji Hyuuga.

"Wait, is that part of the author's note, or the story?" said Washington, confused.

"Truly, a flawless transition," said Tucker, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Jiraiya: Okay, into the stadium. And remember no biting, no hitting below the belt, and no killing.

"'We really can't stress that last one enough,'" said Church, looking pointedly at Caboose.

Caboose stared right back at him.

He waved.

"Hi, Church."

As the two prodigies entered the arena there was a cacophony consisting of cheers, jeers and cat-calls.

Deidara: Ita-chan, what are we doing here? Yeah.

Itachi: Hn. Okay, one: I want how strong the fox vessel is, two: my foolish brother is here, and three: don't call me that.

Orochimaru: Be quiet down there. The match is starting.

"Oh my god it's Moldyvort!" Caboose exclaimed, pointing at Orochimaru.

"I think you mean Voldemort," Wash interjected. A pause. "...not that I'm a fan of the books or anything, mind you," he added unconvincingly.

Kabuto: Not to be rude, master, but what the hell are we doing hear?

"Yeah, what the hell ARE we doing 'hear'?" Church drawled.

"It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?" said Tucker facetiously

Orochimaru: What? Can't I take my favorite minion out for a night on the town?

Kabuto: Oh never mind.

Jiraiya stepped out of the ring indicating the start of the match had begun. Neji started out by charging at Sasuke at top speed (A/N: Which for ninjas is pretty dang fast)

"GAH!" Church swore. "Jesus!"

"Well that certainly came out of nowhere," Wash remarked.

"So the author's notes at the beginning and end of the chapters aren't enough for him anymore, huh?" Tucker mused.

who was brandishing a kunai dagger in a defensive stance with his sharingan activated.

Neji struck Sasuke's left shoulder with a standard juken palm thrust, and followed up with a heavenly spin, which blew Sasuke half way across the arena. Looking like a burnt potato from the chakra burns,

"Hot potato!" Caboose declared.

stood up, and charged at Neji, bellowing bloody murder.

Neji braced himself for what he knew was coming, having seen Lee practice this move countless times. Sasuke reappeared kicked Neji upward, appeared behind him in the manner of the shadow leaf dance, and followed up with a lions barrage.

Neji lifted himself off the ground, moving noticeably slower, and readied himself for his ultimate attack, Hakke Hyaku Nijuha Sho (Eight Trigrams One Hundred Twenty-Eight Palms.) Sasuke activated Chidori Nagashi (One Thousand Birds Current.)

"I fucking hate weaboos." Church muttered.

When they met there was a surge of energy as Neji's palms connected with the electric field surrounding Sasuke, but thanks to Gai's grueling training methods, he had both the stamina and the tolerance for pain

"Yes, because clearly electrocution is something you can just learn to resist," said Wash a tad bitterly.

to continue his siege on Sasuke's chakra circulatory system 2…4…8…16…32…64…128 strikes!

"Gee, I never would have guessed he would hit him one hundred and twenty-eight times," Tucker drawled. "I mean, it's not like it was RIGHT THERE in the name of his attack, or anything."

Sasuke swayed side to side, clearly feeling the detrimental effects of the screwed up chakra system. He then collapsed.

Gai: WELL MY ETERNAL RIVAL! IT SEEMS I HAVE DEFEATED YOUR PRIZED STUDENT!

"I AM STILL YELLING EVERY LINE OF DIALOGUE FOR NO REAL REASON!" Caboose hollered.

Kakashi: I'm sorry, did you say something?

Gai: Ooooh, it burns me up when he acts so cool.

"Ha. Ha. Ha," said Church, sounding distinctly unamused. "Temperature puns. Clearly this story is the very fucking pinnacle of humor."

Shizune: Well, it looks like this match goes to Neji Hyuuga.

Sakura and Ino: HOW DARE HE HURT OUR SASUKE-KUN!

"MORE YELLING!"

Naruto: Oh come on! In the series Kishimoto shows very clearly that Sasuke defected from Konoha because he felt threatened by my rapid growth!

EF9: Okay I'll cut off here to avoid having to up the rating.

"Well. That was certainly abrupt," Wash commented.

Kyuubi: And now you must vote for who you want to fight against Zim!

DEF666: Also, EF9 apologizes for the lack of humor in this chapter.

"'And in the whole rest of the story, too,'" said Tucker. "'In fact, he just apologizes for ever trying to write anything, ever. Period.'"

EF9: Yes, for I wrote this when I was half asleep and needed room for the fight. Please review and vote!

EF9: Okay, here is chapter three, and thanks to LackOfName for being the only person to review chapter two.

"Someone's being awfully passive aggressive," Wash observed.

Kyuubi: Read the story and review so we can choose the match-ups.

DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM

"Okay, this inconsistent use of transitions is SERIOUSLY starting to piss me off," Church grumbled.

Tsunade: Now for the next match we have Zim What's-his-face versus Ino Yamanaka!

Asuma: Well, well, well. Looks like I'll be able to get payback for the poker game.

EF9: Huh. Yeah, he's probably right. Fighting is not Zim's strong suit.

"'I am a bland and unlikable self-insert,'" said Tucker.

"The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem," said Caboose in what would have been a sage tone of voice if it had been used by anyone other than Caboose.

Naruto: Finally, we get to see what those freaks can do!

Sakura (Glaring at Naruto): Naruto, don't call people freaks. It's rude. Inner Sakura: That freak's going down!

"That's almost funny," said Church. "Almost."

Shikamaru: Sigh. This is too troublesome.

Choji: Yeah. I hope we can finish this soon, I want to get some barbeque for lunch.

Caboose was silent for a moment. Then he spoke.

"Church. Hey, Church. When we're done, can we go out for—?"

"No."

"Aww."

Tenten: Shush, the match is starting.

Indeed the match had started, Ino started out by throwing two shuriken at Zim. Zim retaliated by parrying the shuriken with a senbon needle, throwing the needle at Ino, and using the couple of seconds he gained from that move, he breezed through hand signs, opened a scroll, thrust his right hand into the dirt, and called out KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU! (Art of Summoning)

"And all of that in just one sentence," Wash said.

Tucker clapped sarcastically.

Ino gasped in surprise as a puff of smoke appeared next to Zim.

Zim: Mini-moose! Incapacitate the target!

Mini-moose squeaked in affirmation of Zim's command, and sped towards Ino in all its floating moose-y glory.

"OH MY GOD, IT'S A MOOSE!" Caboose exclaimed. "A FLOATING MOOSE!"

"This is retarded," Church muttered.

Ino ducked to her left to avoid getting beaned in the head, suddenly she let out a cry of pain.

Asuma: Huh? What happened to Ino?

Shikamaru: I have an idea of what happened…

"'Yes, allow me to comment on what's happening,'" said Wash, "'instead of making the writer actually show it.'"

"Fucking A," Church agreed. "Exactly. That's like Writing 101."

Kakashi: Yes, it would appear as though Zim used the smoke from the summoning to cover his moves. Though what he did past that is beyond me.

Naruto (Looking rather grave): Asuma-sensei, I think you should call the match.

Asuma: Why would I do a thing like that?

Sakura: I think it may be the kunai sticking out of her chest.

"Bow chicka... bow wow...?" said Tucker. He sounded conflicted.

"She IS only twelve, you know," Wash interjected.

Tucker swore.

Naruto (Nodding his head sagely):

"Because this is clearly a very intellimagent character," said Caboose, nodding sagely.

Yes. Although it isn't fatal, she will need treatment right away to avoid straining herself.

"Yeah, I'm calling bullshit," Church said. "I don't even KNOW anything about Naruto, but I'm pretty fucking sure the main character doesn't talk like that."

"I concur," Wash agreed.

Choji: What I want to know is, how did that happen.

"What happened to the squiggly line in his question mark?" said Caboose.

"Fatty there probably ate it," Tucker quipped.

"Tucker!" Caboose exclaimed. "That's not very nice. You shouldn't say that where Church can hear you. You'll hurt his feelings."

Church resisted the urge to make a very rude gesture.

Shikamaru: He threw two kunai, after he issued the command, one on either side of Ino, timed so that if she dodged the moose thing, they would hit her.

Lee: Yes. That makes perfect sense. Either way she would get hit.

Tenten: Yes, and when used properly, a thrown kunai knife can easily stun, incapacitate, or even kill an enemy.

"Jesus. This has to be the most boring fight scene I have ever read," Church muttered.

Neji: The seconds that would be gained from such a strategy are crucial for deciding a shinobi battle, any good ninja could use those precious seconds to next to a foe so that they may deal a killing blow.

Sasuke: But since the aim of these battles is to either KO your opponent, or get them to surrender…

"Good GOD, are they really still going?" Wash gaped. "It's like color commentary on a chess match, except that a chess match would at least have some element of suspense to it. This is just unforgivably boring."

EF9: Then the strategy he used is sufficient to earn a victory.

Shizune, having recovered from the initial shock, lead Ino to a spot where medic-nins would tend to any and all wounds. After making sure everyone was listening, (by blowing an air horn) she announced that Zim was the winner.

"That was the most boring fight scene ever," Tucker remarked

"Of all time," added Caboose unironically.

DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM

EF9: Well, there is chapter three, I know it wasn't that funny, but you must admit that it's hard to mix action and humor.

"It's even harder when you can't write either," Church snarked. "Seriously, that fight scene was fucking BORING."

Kyuubi: Yes, and in a fighting story, the best we can do is stick some jokes in, between the action.

"What jokes?" said Caboose, sounding genuinely confused (not a big feat for him).

"What action?" added Tucker, sounding decidedly more bitter and sarcastic.

EF9: For the next chapter, you must vote for who you want to fight with Kiba Inuzuka.

Kyuubi: And it still can't be anyone on his team.

EF9: So please review, for I need them in order to keep writing (hinthint).

"'I am a shameless fucking whore,'" Church drawled.

This elicited an amused snort from Agent Washington.

TTFN

EF9: Whee! This is the next chapter of Naruto: Champion Tournament!

Kyuubi: Hell yeah! Turn it up! Sin-

DEF666: For the sake of whatever deity you worship, shut up! This is not a song fic.

"If his name didn't have '666' in it like some kind of stupid preteen, I'd say this was probably the most intelligent person in the story so far," Tucker remarked.

"I don't know," said Wash sarcastically. "I think you're vastly underestimating the contributions that Gai has made to the intellectual discourse of this fic."

"What guy?" Caboose asked.

"First base," snipped Church, cutting in before the bit could become excessively long or obnoxious.

EF9: Yeah, I do not own Naruto, Fairy Kyuubi, or the song 'Take Me Back'.

Kyuubi: Roll cameras.

DEF666: Story starts in 3… 2… 1!

"Oh my god," Wash whispered.

"OH MY GOD!" Tucker exclaimed.

"OH MY GOD!" Caboose shouted. "WHY ARE WE YELLING?!"

"Oh, god," Church groaned, dearly wishing he could massage his temples right about now.

"That might be the first not-horrible scene transition this author ever used," Wash murmured.

"Calling him an author is a bit too complimentary, don't you think?" said Church.

"I dunno." Tucker shrugged. "I checked out his portfolio, and I really like some of his more recent stuff."

"Yeah, I have no idea what half of the stuff he writes is supposed to be about," said Caboose. "It is very weird and not at all upsetting."

"...seriously, one of these days someone is gonna have to give Caboose the Talk," Church muttered.

"Not it," Tucker said.

"Not it," said Wash at the same time.

"Not it!" Caboose also shouted. "I am the winner."

"...because there is no fucking way that am I going to do it," added Church at the exact same time. "Goddammit."

Tsunade: Okay! The next match is Kiba Inuzuka versus Sakura Haruno!

Sakura and Kiba walked out to opposite sides of the field, where they then started to stare each other down.

Sakura: Glare

Kiba: Glare

Sakura: GLARE!

Kiba: GLARE!

"Well this is certainly suspenseful," said Tucker sarcastically.

Temari: Whoah! That is a hell of a lot of glaring!

"'I am really excited by this!'" said Church, doing an exaggeratedly feminine voice. "'For some reason!'"

"Bow chicka bow wow!" Tucker chimed in.

"Jesus, Tucker... I'm pretty sure she's only fifteen." Church winced.

"Fuck off, dude, I'm not letting you rain on my parade," Tucker sniped back. "She's anime fifteen. That's like thirty in real person years."

"Classy."

"I try."

Ino: Sakura better not lose!

Choji: Gee, Ino, I never realized how much you cared about her!

Ino: Shut up Choji! When I beat her I want it to count!

Shikamaru: Of course, how troublesome.

Ino: Shut up you lazy bum!

Wash gestured dismissively.

"Get a room, you two."

Asuma: Stop fighting you two! Save it for your fights.

Choji: But… Ino has already fought…

Shikamaru: Yeah… and she lost.

Ino (Going all demonic-chibi like): Oh… why you blah blah blah! Yak yak yak! Drivel drivel drivel!

"Heh... heh heh, that was actually kinda funny," Tucker remarked.

(A/N: Uh… heh. I'm not that good at Ino-rants. Heh. So I just put that. Use your imagination to fill it in.)

"...so of course the author immediately goes and craps all over it." He sighed. "Goddammit."

While this was going on EF9 was rewarding Zim for his victory in his match.

EF9: Zim, you did a great job… I am now sure that I have a good chance of winning the bet!

"What's the reward?" Caboose wondered. "Is it pie? Is it delicious pie?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's not pie, Caboose," said Church.

Zim (Saluting): Sir yes sir! We are sure to be victorious!

Gaz (Playing her game slave. Why didn't I tell her not to? Because she is freaking scary!): Hn.

Dib: I know I can defeat anyone they throw at me!

EF9: Don't get too confident, now. You are not much better than Zim in combat, and Ino specializes in spying. Her fighting skills pale in comparison to some of the others.

"'Yes, which is why I will crap all over your confidence,'" said Tucker. "'Just like how I crapped all over the only remotely funny line in this story. I'm almost as great a teacher as I am a writer!'"

Down in the arena, Kiba and Sakura had finished trying to intimidate each other, and now were following each other's every movement.

Naruto: Woo! Go Sakura-chan!

Sasuke: Hn.

Kakashi: Time to see who is better.

Hinata: Go Kiba-san. Sorry Naruto-kun… but Kiba is my team-mate. I hope you understand.

"Oh, please," said Church. "Like we've never hoped to see one of our teammates get their asses kicked."

Kurenai: Sorry Kakashi, Naruto may have beaten Kiba before, but Sakura doesn't stand a chance.

Shino: …

Kiba (Looking at Shino up in the bleachers): Thanks Shino! I knew you would cheer for me!

Shino: …

Kiba (Looking offended): Gasp! Shino, how dare you talk like that!

Shino: …

Kiba (Looking downright furious by now): WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER!-? THAT IS IT! YOU ARE GOING DOWN, BUG-BOY!

"I have... nothing to say to this," Wash sighed. "I can't even tell whether that's funny or just straight up idiotic."

"I think it's funny," said Caboose helpfully.

"...yeah, that seals it," Church muttered. "It's definitely retarded."

"I am helping!" Caboose cheered.

"Sure, keep telling yourself that," said Tucker.

Kiba leapt into the bleachers, ready to punch Shino's lights out when he heard a beautiful voices, it was like a chorus of a thousand Stradivarius violins played by the gentlest of angels.

"I wonder what THAT is building up to?" said Church sarcastically.

Hinata (Smiling sweetly in a way that would turn gay men straight, turn more perverted women into lesbians, and make anyone who is attracted to women, go mad): Kiba-kun…

Tucker hummed thoughtfully, and clicked on a browser tab. Immediately there popped up a rather... explicit picture of an older Hinata Hyuuga in a most decidedly compromising position.

"Well..." he said slowly. "I'd do her."

Wash made a disapproving noise in the back of his throat, covering Caboose's visor with his hand. He gave Tucker a pointed look.

"Sheesh, fine," the blueish/greenish-armored man muttered, and closed the tab.

Kiba had a sparkly pink background filled with hearts, and he literally floated over to Hinata. (A/N: Poor, poor lovesick fool.) Meanwhile several boys were unconscious from nosebleeds (except for the stoic and otherwise asexual ones, though Sasuke did break out in a cold sweat), and Naruto even proposed to Hinata!

"Gee, I wonder what pairings the author ships?" Church muttered.

Tucker choked on a laugh.

"Pairings?" he said. "Ships?"

Church made a very rude gesture.

Hinata made a note to take Naruto up on his offer later.

Orochimaru (Whispering half to himself): Screw Sasuke-

"'Sssscrew decent writing,'" said Wash, imitating an exaggeratedly hissy cartoon snake voice.

Kabuto: Isn't that what you have been trying to do?

"Wow. Pederasty jokes about Orochimaru," said Tucker in a complete monotone. "How original."

Orochimaru (Mildly annoyed): Let me finish my sentence. Screw Sasuke, if I had that girl's body I could use her shojo charm and just convince people to teach me jutsus.

Kabuto: But master, in order for shojo charm to work, you need to be so pure and innocent that you literally project an aura of kindness and love. I mean, let us face it, you may be many things (A/N: Like a two faced, silver tongued, lily-livered, effeminate gay pedophile who betrayed his closest friends and killed his father figure.)

"I'm just gonna pretend that Kabuto is muttering the stuff in parentheses under his breath," Church remarked. "That would actually be kind of funny, as opposed to just disgustingly abrupt and hamhanded on the author's part.

but innocent shojo, you are not.

Orochimaru: Ah yes. Damn.

Oh right! Back to the conversation at hand!

"Wait, what were they talking about again?" said Caboose. "I forgot."

Kiba (Smiling like a fool who believes he's in heaven): Yes, my sweet, adorable Hinata-chan?

Neji made a note to pound the living daylights out of Kiba for hitting on Hinata.

Hinata: Kiba… (Suddenly chibi with a big angry head and flames coming out of her mouth) YOU LOST!

Kiba (Looking dumbfounded): Huh?

Shino: Yes… idiot… you wee disqualified

"Ach, wee laddy! Ye dinnae think this through," said Tucker in a ridiculously fake and forced Scottish accent.

for leaving the match. Just to beat me up for something I didn't say or think.

Kiba: Oh…

Shino beat up Kiba very hard, and Kurenai begged the Jiraiya to change his mind. (He decides the winners, remember?)

"I remembered!" said Caboose. "Yes, I definitely never forgot about... that thing you just mentioned. I remember it."

Kurenai (On her knees with her hands folded in front of her and waterfall tears going down her face): Please reconsider!

Jiraiya: Well I might be willing to change my mind, for a price, of course…

"Okay," said Tucker. "You know what? If there was any time or any place where this could have ever been justified, it was here." He noisily cleared his throat. "BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!"

Kurenai (Looking very violated indeed): You know what? Forget it. It's not my fault if Kiba is stupid.

Jiraiya: Actually, as a teacher you are supposed to remedy that kind of a problem.

Kurenai: Well, shit.

"'I just got lectured on teaching by a man who offered to cheat on my student's behalf in exchange for doing him sexual favors,'" said Church, doing a ridiculously bad imitation of a female voice. "'Mom was right. I should've gone to Harvard.'"

Meanwhile EF9 was telling his student how he became a jounin.

"A.k.a.: pointless OC backstory nobody cares about!" declared Wash, sounding just a touch bitter.

EF9: I remember when Hokage-sama administered a special test to make sure I was elite ninja material.

Dib: But, aren't jounin chosen by the Hokage's appointment?

"Well... technically it's never really stated exactly how jounin are selected in canon..." Caboose said.

The others stared at him like he had just spontaneously sprouted a second head.

EF9: Correct, however, I didn't have any truly outstanding talents, besides being really sneaky. So Tsunade, decided to see how tough I was, with a special test. The last part of which was a test where a bunch of attacks were hurled at me to see how I handled them.

"'It was a real test of my test-taking skills to pass this test they were testing me with,'" Church said. "Honestly: use a damn thesaurus!"

Flash Back

A volley of ten throwing knives appeared from the right, I grabbed a kunai from my holster and used it to knock down three of the projectiles, I then threw my throwing knife ahead, where it knocked one kunai out of it's path and into another one.

I managed to move out of the way of four of the weapons, but the last one grazed my shoulder. Luckily I was smart enough to wear padding, which prevented me from getting any actual damage. Then two nondescript chunin rushed me from behind.

I lashed out with my left leg, catching one on the chin. The other got close enough to punch me in the gut, I countered by catching him in a choke hold, and slamming him into the ground.

"I think this is just tedious," said Tucker. "And I say this guy should never try to write a fight scene ever again."

The other members of Blue Team nodded in agreement, except for Caboose.

For the last part, all I had to do was protect myself from a high level fire technique, and then counter with the most advanced jutsu I could perform. I managed to dodge the fire dragon jutsu, and followed up with my most advanced technique, wind style: razor wind burst.

End Flash Back

EF9: … And that is how I became a jonin!

EF9 then looked around to see that his students had walked off, obviously intending to use the time between matches to visit with the others.

EF9: Aww man, nobody ever listens to my story.

"HAH!" Church laughed. "Amusing."

"You're saying you thought was funny?" said Wash, eyeing Church worriedly.

"No, of course not," Church replied. "The thought of no one ever reading this loser's stories, however..."

"Ah, yes. I agree wholeheartedly."

EF9: Aww… poor me, review and let me know that there are people that like my stories.

"I like your stories!" Caboose cheered. "They are very... story-ish. With lots of sprinkles and butterflies on top."

"No you don't, Caboose," said Tucker.

"Oh," Caboose said. "I don't like your stories! I hate how story-ish they are."

Kyuubi: Yeah, that bit of background on his self-insert character, was just filler for those who wanted some action for this chapter.

DEF666: And information on the strange jutsu he used.

EF9: I think I made it up, but: Wind Style: Razor Wind Burst Jutsu, is a technique where the user breathes in, and when they exhale, it releases rapid fire wind bullets, that push back and tear into the target.

Kyuubi: Just so you aren't confused!

"My GOD this is so boring," Tucker moaned. "Are we done yet?"

"I wouldn't get my hopes up," Wash muttered.

DEF666Review and vote for who you want to fight against Rock Lee.

EF9: Right, you are able to choose from:

Naruto

Shikamaru

Choji

Hinata

Shino

Kankuro

Gaara (But, probably not, it would be too hard to write a fight between them)

"'By which of course I mean that I am to lazy to be bothered with that option,'" Church snarked.

"Oh, I don't know," said Caboose. "I don't think you're that lazy, Church."

"...God, I hate you."

Temari

Dib

Gaz

Kyuubi: Those are your choices.

DEF666: Now… review!

"'And no, I am not remotely needy, what are you talking about?'" Tucker said.

EF9: Well, here is the newest chapter of Naruto: Champion Tournament!

Kyuubi: This chapter's match up is Rock Lee versus Gaz Membrane.

DEF666: Start the fic.

Tsunade: The next match is Gaz versus Rock Lee!

Dib: I hope Gaz wins!

Naruto: That creepy girl is gonna have a heck of a time trying to beat Gejimayu (Bushy brows).

"Fucking weaboos."

Gai and Lee were having an emotional pep talk, while Tenten stared at thing 1 and thing 2 making complete fools of themselves. EF9 was eating popcorn and had a soda drink hat on. Those who weren't on the teams of the next two fighters, were settling down to enjoy the match.

Sasori: I hope they start sometime soon, I don't have all day.

Deidara: I've been thinking, yeah.

Sasori: that's a nice change of pace.

All of the Blue Team members simultaneously looked at Caboose.

"...what?" Caboose said. "Do I have something on my face?"

Deidara: You didn't let me finish! I was saying that it is ironic that you are so impatient, yeah.

Sasori glared at Deidara.

Sasori: You might want to watch out for Orochimaru.

Deidara: He only likes little boys, I'm not a boy, yeah.

Sasori looked at Deidara in way that just yelled 'I'm not buying it'. He then lowered his gaze to Deidara's chest. Out of curiousity, he reached out and groped Deidara's chest.

"Best way to tell if a guy is secretly a chick," said Tucker sagely. "Y'know, just make sure that they really are a chick beforehand."

"Speaking from personal experience, are you?" Church drawled.

Tucker replied with a comment much too rude to be transcribed.

Sasori: Woah... oh yeah, Deidara is definitely a chick!

Deidara looked at the grinning Sasori, and slapped him tto the other side of the stadium.

"That definitely sounds like something that would happen to Tucker," said Wash with a touch of amusement."

"Oh, kiss my ass!" Tucker snapped.

Ino: It's a bird!

Shikamaru: It's a plane!

Choji: It's Superman!

"Super-duper-man!" Caboose cheered. "HOORAY!"

Deidara: No, it's a perverted puppet.

InoShikaCho: Blink. Uh oookaayy...

"Aww..." said Caboose, sounding disappointed.

Gaz and Lee, by this time, were prepared for the match. They went to the center of the stadium, and Jiraiya motioned for them to begin.

Gaz: You should give up, there is no way you can defeat me.

Lee: I am a taijutsu master. Do you honestly believe that you can compensate for your disadvantage with intimidation?

"'My kung fu is stronger than your kung fu,'" said Church.

"'No, MINE is,'" said Tucker.

Gaz: Hn. Shut up and fight!

"The most sensible thing said in this story thus far," Wash commented.

Lee started by throwing a left hook at Gaz's face, Gaz ducked and her feet under Lee's legs, Lee jumped over the attack, and shot his right fist at Gaz's jaw. That attck didn't miss.

"I miss my attck," Caboose mused.

"No you don't," Church interjected. "That isn't a thing."

"Or maybe it is and you just don't know it," Caboose retorted with all the maturity of a four year old.

Gaz was knocked back by Lee's punch, she stood up and started doing hand seals, she then muttered something incomprehensible, and exhaled a fire attack in the shape of a giant pig.

Sakura: Amazing... what was that?

EF9: Gaz's specialty ninjutsu... 'Katon: Gokaino no Jutsu (Fire Style: Grand Fire Boar Technique).

"Okay, there is NO way you can make that sound cool," Tucker said. "It's a fireball shaped like a freaking pig. If this is supposed to be funny, you're doing a TERRIBLE job of showing it."

"Can I have a fire-pig?" Caboose asked.

"No,"/"No way in HELL!" said Wash and Church in unison.

Lee got hit directly by the attack, he stumbled and fell to his knees, covered with first and second degree burns. He slowly stood up, knowing that he would have to win now, or he wouldn't make Gai-sensei proud. So he opened the first chakra gate, and attacked Gaz with Initial Lotus.

Neji: Hmm... Lee is clearly desperate to use the lotus...

Gai: It would seem so.

"'Our commentary is more interesting than the actual fight,'" Tucker said.

Gaz and Lee crashed into the ground, kicking up a lot of dust.

Jiraiya: Well... it looks like neither of the competitors are able to continue, so I declare this match, a tie!

EF9, Dib, Zim, Gai, Neji, and Tenten: What!

"'WE ARE SO SURPRISED WE FORGOT OUR QUESTION MARKS!'" Caboose shouted.

EF9: But... she... is my best student...

EF9 then sat down and started moping about how he was going to lose.

EF9: Waah! I'm gonna lose!

"It's no better than what you deserve," Church jeered.

Wash and Tucker nodded in solemn agreement.

Kyuubi: Well there is the chapter, for the next fight, you must choose who you want to fight against, Kankuro.

DEF666: That is right your choices are as follow:

Naruto Uzumaki

Shikamaru Nara

Choji Akimichi

Hinata Hyuuga

Shino Aburame

Dib Membrane

Tenten

"Does anyone else notice something off about this list?" Caboose said. "It's almost like one of those things doesn't belong."

"And obviously that thing is Dib," Wash drawled.

EF9: So review and vote for who you want!

TTFN!

"I could think of few things that could be an acronym for," said Tucker in tone which suggested he was almost certainly waggling his eyebrows behind his visor.

Church made a gagging noise.

EF9: I have decided to take this story off of hiatus and update!

DEF6: So what? It still sucks.

"This man speaks the truth," said Wash.

"Truly, he is the wisest of them all," Tucker agreed.

"Even if he is a stupid preteen," added Church.

Fairy Kyubi: I'm free! Free at last!

EF9: You stay.

Fairy Kyubi: Drat.

After everybody had calmed down from the excitement of the previous match, Tsunade announced the next match.

Tsunade: The next match is Kankuro against Tenten! Everybody get ready to rumble!

After Tsunade made her announcement Temari turned to Kankuro.

Temari: You better not lose, dumb ass.

"That's not a very nice to say to your brother," Caboose said.

"Shut up, Caboose," said Church.

And with those words of encouragement spoken, she threw Kankuro into the Arena. Tenten was already there.

Tenten: Okay freak, I'm gonna kick your ass all the way back to Suna!

"'Because that is apparently where you are from,'" said Wash testily.

"Give it up, man," Tucker told him.

Kankuro (Glaring): And what makes you think you can beat me?

Tenten (Smirking evilly): This.

She then lifted her top. Apparently, Tenten prefers to go bra-less.

"Oh, HELLS YES!" Tucker cheered.

Wash and Church looked at him disapprovingly.

EF9 (Nose bleeding): Man, for once I'm glad I'm only fifteen.

"Only fifteen? No wonder he's such an awful writer," Church drawled.

"Indeed," Wash agreed.

Dib (Looking confused): Why?

EF9 (Looks at Dib, wearing a smile, a mile wide): Because, I can ogle those babies (Gestures to Tenten's assets) without being called a pedophile.

"...not cool, man," Tucker muttered, his enthusiasm considerably lessened.

"Don't worry about it," said Church facetiously. "She's anime fifteen. That's like thirty in real people years."

Tucker gestured obscenely.

Dib (Deadpan): So… You're just another pervert?

EF9 (Still smiling): Yup.

"I don't get it," said Caboose.

"We'll explain it when you're older," Wash said.

Well, there's the long awaited chapter. Don't forget to review and vote for who you want to fight against Shino Aburame. The people left are:

Naruto Uzumaki

Shikamaru Nara

Dib

Gaara

Temari

Hinata Hyuga (But you can't pick her)

"And we totally remember why we can't pick her, of course."

"Shut up, Caboose."

"Okay."

Vote!

EF9: … Eep! (Hides behind a chair)

William: Come now, old chap. I am certain they are not as angry as you fear.

EF9: Art thou mad?

"Art thou?" Church snorted.

We're not talking about kindly gentlemen here. These people are fanfic readers like me. And we fanfic readers are neither patient nor civilized! They'll eat me alive for daring to show my face after going so long without updating!

William: Well, it is hardly your fault. After all, real life does take precedence.

EF9: They don't care. I'm dead meat!

"That's the best news I've heard all day!" Tucker cheered.

"HOORAY!" Caboose joined in.

FairyKyubi: Goddamnit, EF9, you're worse than the twerp.

EF9 (Shocked): Take that back!

DEF6: Why should he? It's true.

EF9: Et tu Brute?

"Classy literary references don't belong here," said Wash, feigning a scandalized tone. "This is fanfiction!"

DEF6: Si.

EF9: Sigh. Fine, I'll do it. But don't say I didn't warn you!

FairyKyubi: Whatever you say, dumbass.

Disclaimer: I do not claim property of either Invader Zim or Naruto. They belong to Jhonen Vasquez and Masashi Kishimoto respectively.

"What is it with fanfiction and disclaimers, anyway?"

"A delusion that saying you don't own something would actually mean anything in court."

"Okay! The next match is between Gaara of the Sand and Shino Aburame!" declared Tsunade, "Now, will both challengers please step into the arena."

Church: FINALLY! Now we can be the lazy ones using script format to talk.

Caboose: HOORAY FOR LAZINESS!

The clamor ceased as the audience beheld the two young shinobi who would be fighting for their amusement. Neither one spoke as they gracefully strode into this arena of combat. Finally, they reached the center of the field and locked eyes with one another. Neither one intended to lose.

"Please allow me to apologize in advance," stated Shino, "but I'm afraid that for the honor of Kurenai-sensei, I must defeat you."

Tucker (sarcastically): Yes, for the honor of the woman who almost considered performing sexual favors to help one of her students cheat.

Gaara narrowed his eyes. 'Sand coffin!'

In the stands, the onlookers braced themselves for what was about to come-

Wash: Did they bring umbrellas?

But instead, they heard something they never expected: Girly screams.

"EEEEEEEEK! A BUG! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET! IT! OFF!" shrieked a terrified Gaara, before he became engulfed in a swarm of kikaichu, or destruction bugs, as they are called.

"That's just embarrassing," said the female Deidara, who was, ironically, doing some very embarrassing things to herself. Things that I cannot mention here for fear of increasing the rating again.

Tucker: Bow chicka—OW!

Church (aiming a pistol at Tucker): Not another word.

Tucker: Hmph. Spoilsport.

...-Minutes Later-...

While Gaara's convulsing form was dragged out of the arena, EF9 was confronted by someone he did not expect: Tsunade. He squirmed under the Fifth Hokage's scrutiny.

"Am I to believe, Daimaru, that you lied to one of your students about your age?"

Wash: Who?

Caboose: What?

Church (sighing): Why me?

"Ehhh… Heh heh… Is there really any need for you to use my real name?"

Tsunade glared at him threateningly. "This is a very serious matter. Not only did you lie about your age, you lied about how you became a Jounin. And I suppose you neglected to mention the first thing you did as a Jounin?"

EF9, now also known as Daimaru, nervously jerked his shirt collar. "C'mon, that's all in the past…"

Tucker: This is boring. Go back to topless chicks!

Church: She was fifteen.

Tucker: Anime fifteen. Which is like real-person thirty!

"No, it isn't! Your past actions were terrible; you destroyed countless lives without a second thought!"

"But-"

"NO! No buts! I will not stand by and watch you destroy that girl's life!"

"What do you know?" shouted Daimaru angrily, "I love that girl! I only want to make her happy!"

"You sick fuck!" roared Tsunade, "That girl is your daughter!"

Caboose: BAD LANGUAGE!

Wash: And needless angst.

Church and Tucker: Ugh.

"… W-what? How can it be? I thought-"

"You thought what? That there was no way her mother could survive your accursed embrace? Well, you thought wrong," growled Tsunade hoarsely.

Church: Blah, blah, freaking blah. Just skip ahead to the funny crap, dammit!

"W-which one?"

"Hm?"

"Which one… was her mother?"

"It was Tian-li," she said.

"… Heh… It figures…" Daimaru whispered before dropping to his knees.

Tucker: GOD, I hate angst. This is so forced. I can't even think of any dirty jokes to make about this guy dropping to his knees in front of this super busty blonde chick.

Wash: You know she's actually fifty, right?

Tucker (aghast): Anime fifty? Jesus! That's like... a hundred!

"…" Tsunade averted her gaze. She hated when he got like this, because she was never able to tell if his tears were genuine, or just an act.

"Tian-li… she was the only one I ever really loved, y'know?''

"And yet you tried to kill her all the same," Tsunade said accusingly.

"No… I mean, I suppose I tried to kill her, but my heart just wasn't in it, y'know?"

Caboose: Wow, this guy sucks at his job. I am WAY better at killing people than he is!

"Sigh… Just stay away from her, okay?"

"Fine."

"And I want you to focus on training your students."

"Of course."

"Remember, if you fail to mold them into loyal shinobi, then it's over. This is your one second chance. Don't blow it, okay? I'm sure Minato would have wanted you to do this."

Wash (sarcastically): Because we ALL know who that is.

"… Thank you Hokage, ma'am. I, Daimaru Daishin, will not disappoint you!"

Church: Yes you will. You SUCK.

'I hope so,' thought Tsunade.

FairyKyubi: … Wow, and I mean WOW. I can't believe it. You have officially changed a terrible self-insert, into a slightly less terrible original character, and you have even set the stage for potential future growth. If you manage to pull this off without completely screwing up your story, I'll be impressed. But, from the looks of it, chances are it will only get worse.

"I agree with the last part of what the fairy said," Tucker drawled.

"Ditto," said Wash.

"PIKACHU!" Caboose shouted.

Church facepalmed his visor.

EF9: Uh, thanks?

TBC!

Church looked down.

"Nope. It really isn't," he said, unable to conceal his glee. "We're almost over with this goddamn trainwreck!"

"Unless TBC stands for something else entirely," Wash suggested.

"Like what?" said Tucker. "Tasty bayou chicken?"

"They're finger licorice good!" said Caboose.

Author's Note

Hello everyone, this is EvilFuzzy9. I hate to say it, but I will probably not be updating any of my stories regularly for a while. And while I'll try to do what I can, my account will probably be largely inactive in the coming months.

"If only it could have STAYED inactive," Church sighed wistfully.

I suppose right about now some of you are wondering why this should be. Well, with college classes starting in a couple weeks, I predict that most of my remaining summer will be spent not on the computer, but in reflection and mental preparation for a year of change, a year of hardships and triumphs.

"Okay, knowing this fuzzy guy, that sounds like total bullshit," Tucker commented.

"I agree wholeheartedly," said Wash.

Of course, there's a good chance that once I settle into the routine I'll resume updating. But until that happens, this is EvilFuzzy9 signing off.

P.S.: I'll probably still update occasionally, but I don't want y'all getting your hopes up.

Caboose looked down.

"Aww, the story's almost over."

"Good riddance," Church muttered.

.

.

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.

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…. I'll be back…

(Fade to black)

"FINALLY DONE!" Church shouted. "It's about frigging time. I feel like we were stuck doing this for months."

"Poor fourth wall," Caboose remarked.

"Where's my paycheck?" Tucker muttered.

"We were doing this pro bono," Wash told him.

"...goddammit."

A/N: Wow. I had ALMOST forgotten that this fic was a thing. The first half of this chapter was done ages ago, but I didn't convince myself to actually finish it until today.

I suppose the one or two people following this might appreciate the update, haha.

Updated: 1-23-15

TTFN and R&R!

– — ❤