When Maya Matlin walked through the halls of Degrassi, someone watching her probably wouldn't have any idea of what she had been through, what she was still going through.

She was going through so much pain, sadness, regret, and inner turmoil, all because of the death of her boyfriend, Campbell Saunders.

He had broken up with her by killing himself.

She didn't even know what was going on, or how to stop it. She didn't know that "I just want to be happy" was code for "I'm suicidal, I'm depressed, I want to die." She never saw through Cam's happiness when he was with her, and never knew his deepest, darkest secrets.

She never knew he was homesick. She never knew of his issues with anxiety. She never had any idea of the pressure he was under being the future NHL champion. She didn't know that he drank a whole carton of milk despite being lactose intolerant, just to escape one hockey practice. She didn't know that when he fell from the balcony in the halls of Degrassi, he had jumped. She didn't know that she was his only ray of light in the world, the only thing holding him together, until he was consumed by the sadness and even Maya couldn't bring him out.

Maya was totally destroyed after Cam's death, but had absolutely no way of processing that he killed himself after what he says was the best night of his life. She lost Cam that day, and wasn't even really sure why. And it caused her to spiral out of control, to change. She hated people telling her how she was supposed to act after Cam's suicide, as if there was some sort of rule book.

No one understood that Maya was never going to be the girl she was before the day Cam killed himself. Never.

They didn't understand. No one did. Everyone asked her why she had moved on so quickly, how she had gotten over Cam so soon. Why she never talked about him. And they just didn't get it. They didn't understand how painful it was for Maya to even think about Cam, let alone say his name. Even his name brings back an overflow of emotions and memories and tears.

Maya was still very much grieving for her first love. Silence doesn't always mean obliviousness.

She never actually mentioned Cam directly, but he was still very present in Maya. He was still a part of her thoughts and concerns, and overall, her life. She's still grieving for him, but it's through fear and an intense, intense need for self-preservation; that was the reason she was so hell-bent on hating Miles, and making sure he stayed the hell away from her and Tristan. She doesn't want anything to do with someone who has no limits about destroying himself, because she doesn't want to be dragged down with him…again. She's afraid of being abandoned again, afraid of losing people she cares about, afraid of impulsive behavior and getting attached to someone and watching everything fall apart and spiral out of control.

She was very interested in Miles at first. She was attracted to his charm, and "bay boy" mentality.

Then she realized who Miles really was.

She saw his self-destructiveness, his anger, a fraction of the pain he was living with and how dysfunctional and screwed-up he was inside. Maya realized that Miles displaying all of that charm was just a front. It wasn't "sexy", it was scary. And for someone who is still reeling from Cam's suicide, it was enough to send Maya heading for the hills. She was terrified of Miles' behavior because it just reminded her way too much of Cam, and the inner-turmoil that eventually caused him to kill himself.

At first, she did try to put distance between herself and Miles, because she just couldn't get involved with guys like that anymore. She couldn't go through with another relationship like that, with a troubled boy with serious issues that she can't understand. She knows what the end result is, and is still in too much pain from Cam to deal.

She just sees Miles as someone who is dangerous to himself, and her, if she ends up getting involved with him. She knows she can't save him, because she couldn't save Cam. And Miles had made it pretty damn clear before he pushed her away and jumped into the pool that he is not in the mood to BE saved. All of his behavior is sending up red flags for Maya to RUN because all she can see is the destruction and devastation of the last few weeks of freshmen year in their wake.

But Maya eventually opened up to Miles more. She tried to get him to open up, too. To talk about his father and how he was hurting, even if he would push her away at first. It was because of Cam that she even bothered to talk to him in the first place, because again, she felt as if she had failed Cam by not having the slightest idea of the kind of pain he was in. She blames herself in a lot of ways for Cam, and because of that, she didn't want to just let Miles go without trying to help him.

And eventually, they opened up to each other, and got together. And it worked. Sure they were very different, but they are also similar in some ways. They are both fierce and stubborn as hell. They feel intensely and deeply, but they also repress sadness and pain. They care a lot for people, but they do it discreetly and don't make a big show about it. They both suffer from major insecurity. There were so many ways in which they could relate, and in that, help each other heal.

Zig Novak, who also played a part in Cam's suicide, was also someone who blamed himself for Cam's death.

Maya reflected on the days when they used to be friends. And his strange behavior all made sense now. His sudden loss of interest in dating Tori despite claiming he "loved" her, his indifference and almost resentment towards Cam, the angry looks he would shoot her across the lunch table when she was with Cam. It was all because he wanted to be with her. And Maya realized that now, which was the reason she felt as if she had to avoid him.

She pretended she didn't notice Zig, but she did. She saw his glances at her in the hallways, and yet she never went over to talk to him.

She waved at Zig at the dance, and was genuinely remorseful that he had seen her flirting with Miles. But that didn't mean she wanted to date him, at all. She isn't obligated to date Zig, just because he wants to date her. Zig isn't entitled to her, and Maya isn't romantically obligated to him either.

She didn't owe him her love simply because he fished her cello out of the dumpster when the threw it in, in a fit of grief-induced rage and acted as a decent human being by not taking advantage of her when she was in the single most fucked up state of mind. She did like him at one point, way back before he and Tori even dated. But she could just never think of dating him, ever again. She was never dating him to begin with, and either way, still bears ties to the single most traumatic experience in her life.

Maya did need a fresh start. Which is why she gave Miles a chance. She tried to help him, and eventually ended up caring for him. Everyone told her to stay away, including herself at first. She knew he was trouble, but not around her. He acted like a completely different person around Maya. He managed to fill the empty void that Cam had created when he had died. He was the only one who would ever make her as happy as Cam used to. Maya had managed to numb her own pain, but Miles took it away.

He helped her when she couldn't even help herself, and slowly showed her how to love again, even after her heart was broken. Maya hoped she could love him one day, just as she had loved Cam. She would always love Campbell Saunders, but it was essential not to dwell. After all, Cam cared only about Maya's happiness. He would have wanted her to be happy. She knew he would be proud of her if he could see her now.

Again, Maya needed a fresh start. But it had to be with someone who didn't tie her down to painful memories of her past. It had to be someone she had a blank slate with.