It was three days before Lelouch caught on to Suzaku guarding him like he'd guarded Euphy, and he wasn't pleased about it.

"You've got to have better things to do with your time," Lelouch groused. "If you keep following me around and looking at me like that, people are going to seriously misinterpret our relationship."

"How?"

Lelouch glowered. "You look at me like I'm yours. You're all full of machismo and alpha-male-ness, and it's hot in its way, but it's making me look like your…"

Suzaku winced. "I'm sorry. I had no idea…"

"It's fine. Just… stop."

Suzaku couldn't tell Lelouch why he needed to do this. He couldn't let him know that he'd endangered his life through a slip-up while sleeping with Zero. It was too much.

"I'll try not to make you feel like a piece of meat."

Lelouch smiled, a little exasperated, but mostly fond. "That's all I ask."

Except it wasn't. He also asked for time alone while they were at his house, telling Suzaku that he was still clinging too hard. Suzaku agreed, given no choice, and walked the perimeter before returning inside with nothing to do.

The flash drive in his pocket felt like it was burning a hole through the cloth. He hadn't had time to view it, due to trailing behind Lelouch like an overprotective boyfriend, and with nothing else to do, the only thing stopping him was his self-restraint.

He managed to go five minutes bored out of his mind before booting up Lelouch's laptop.

The first thing that Suzaku noticed was that the sound was so much better from the computer than from the camera.

Suzaku looked around for earphones as he and Zero bantered for a bit, giving up when he heard himself moaning around Zero's cock. It was amazing to watch, the care with which Zero fucked his face, the way Suzaku strained against his limits, looking for more. For a moment, it looked like Zero was going to lose control, take what he wanted from Suzaku, and then he pulled out and came over Suzaku's face with a deep groan, jerking himself empty as Suzaku bowed his head and took it.

"Do you want to be untied, or do you want me to make you come like that?"

Suzaku smirked at the computer screen. Not a real choice, as Zero proved by stopping mid-way through releasing Suzaku to jerk him off.

It was a little embarrassing how eager Suzaku looked. He couldn't really blame Zero for trying to give him something he seemed to want so badly.

But clearly Zero could blame himself. "I couldn't resist, you looked so… I'm sorry."

"Onii-sama?"

Suzaku yelped and slammed down the lid of the laptop. "Nunnally! You… you're home."

"Oh, Suzaku-san." Nunnally smiled. "I thought I heard Lelouch."

"We're taking some time apart. I think he's in the kitchen?"

"Thank you." Suzaku breathed out a sigh of relief as Nunnally left, getting up to close the door behind her. That could have been embarrassing.

He turned the computer back on and resumed where he'd left off. It was a little weird, how Nunnally had thought she'd heard Lelouch…

"Close your eyes."

Suzaku's brain stopped as he watched Zero reach up to remove his mask. He'd forgotten about this, about how he'd wanted comfort enough to ask for a kiss and Zero had accepted, and…

"If I'd wanted your identity, this is how I'd do it."

Suzaku pressed pause and stared at the surprised expression on the face that was kissing him on the video, the face of the man wearing Zero's outfit. The face of Zero.

"Ah. Right. So…"

Suzaku turned around slowly, looking into the unapologetic violet eyes that adorned that same face, gazing at him in real life less than three paces away.

"I can explain. Mostly." Lelouch bit his lower lip. "At least don't kill me while Nunnally's two rooms away?"

If Suzaku had been able to speak, he might have said 'It's tempting', or 'Shall I ask her to step out?', or any number of vaguely threatening things. But he couldn't. All he could do was stare as Lelouch entered the room, closing the door securely behind himself, and sat down on the bed.

"Suzaku, please," Lelouch said, his calm finally cracking. "Say something."

It took two tries, but Suzaku managed to get something out.

"By the authority of the Britannian Military and Princess Euphemia, I am placing you under arrest on numerous counts of terrorism and murder."

Lelouch just rolled his eyes. "No you're not."

"You're wanted–"

"I was wanted. Now I'm just a – literally – faceless bureaucrat. I'd be more valuable as Lelouch vi Britannia if you wanted to drag someone in."

Suzaku glared. "I'll tell Nunnally. And Euphy…"

"Euphy knows," Lelouch said evenly. "It's how she sold me on the Special Area Zone. And if you tell Nunnally, I'll find a way to kill you, even if it means ripping my own heart out."

Suzaku laughed. "Of course. Because what's a happy family, what's a sister and a lover and friends against your fucking revenge." Lelouch flinched, and Suzaku realized he'd hit a nerve. "That's what this was all about, wasn't it? All that high-flying rhetoric about Japan and justice, and all you really wanted was to stick it to your dad."

"Figuratively," Lelouch said snidely, and it took Suzaku a moment to get it.

"You bastard. I've lived with that for nearly half my life. You don't get to turn it into a punchline." It had been bad enough when Zero… when Lelouch had tried to use it as a recruitment tool.

"Well, if we're sharing each other's secrets, perhaps I'll let Nunnally and Euphy in on that little piece of trivia as well. How 'Suzaku the Self-Sacrificing; killed his own father…"

"Euphy knows," Suzaku repeated Lelouch's words back to him and they stared at each other.

Lelouch broke the tension with a small laugh. "Damn, that girl's good."

"I know, right?" Suzaku huffed. "So this is why she did everything? Because you're Zero and she didn't want you and Cornelia to fight?"

Lelouch shrugged. "I thought so, at first, but she said it was for Nunnally. Because it's what Nunnally would want. And all she wanted was to make Nunnally happy."

Suzaku wondered if Lelouch had noticed how many times he'd said Nunnally's name in that short speech. "I'm not going to do anything to you. You can stop reminding me about Nunnally."

Lelouch flushed a little. "I didn't expect you to notice."

And why shouldn't he? It wasn't as if Suzaku had noticed the multiple hints Lelouch-as-Zero had dropped, or even the hints that Lelouch dropped as himself, as if he'd wanted Suzaku to find out. They used the same turns of phrases, their voices were identical when they were aroused, the glimpses of Zero's body, the way he felt, the way he smelled… It was as if Lelouch had planned for this 'slip-up', or at least hoped for something like it.

"I thought you were Zero, before," Suzaku said. "After Kanime. But I talked myself out of it after seeing Kirihara and Toudou with you. I thought they'd told you… Zero about my father. But they didn't, did they?"

"Toudou would never betray you like that," Lelouch said softly.

"No, but you…" Suzaku bit off his anger. It wouldn't help. "Were you always Zero?"

"Yes."

Suzaku couldn't believe that. "So Shirley's father… Narita… Prince Clovis? That was all you?"

"Yes."

"How? How could you do that?"

Lelouch looked away. "It was surprisingly easy. You've killed for the military, you must know how it is. This is for the greater good, they deserved it, I'm actually saving lives…"

"Justifications."

"Exactly." Lelouch shrugged. "Clovis was hard, I admit. Despite the fact that he was willing to murder thousands of innocents to cover up an embarrassment, he was once my brother, and he was the first person I ever…"

"But not the last."

"Not by far. I'm sorry about Shirley's father, but that was mostly an accident. I've learned to be more careful, more exact. And as for the Britannian soldiers I've killed, the Japanese rebels I've sent to their deaths, they were inevitable. This isn't the kind of world that you can change by talking and begging, Suzaku. The only reason the SAZ was accepted was the threat of the Black Knights, and the only reason it's worked so well is because of our cooperation."

Suzaku snorted. "The greater good."

"It's not ideal," Lelouch said. "Not for me, anyway. You're right that I'm not doing this just for Japan. I wanted to use Japan for my own ends, to find out who killed my mother and make them pay." That was news to Suzaku, he'd had no idea Lelouch was still dwelling on that. "But that's next to impossible now, with the SAZ in place. I gave that up."

"For Euphy?"

Lelouch smiled. "Not exactly. For you, Suzaku."

"For… me?"

Lelouch looked acutely uncomfortable. "You've never had a home, not since the war started. Nunnally and I were lucky to find the Ashfords, but you couldn't. Not with your guilt hanging over your head." Suzaku opened his mouth to protest, but Lelouch raised his had to forestall him. "I know about it. About how the Sumeragi family offered you a place, how you turned them down and joined the military. I know you've been running and hiding and how exhausted you must be by now."

"You don't know anything."

Lelouch bit his lip. "I know you set yourself an impossible goal, to work with Britannia to free Japan, knowing you'd likely never make it past the rank of Sergeant. I know you've placed yourself in dangerous and suicidal positions because you care nothing for your own life. I know that you've kept me and Nunnally at arm's length to protect us." Lelouch raised his eyes to meet Suzaku's. "And I know that most of that stopped when you became Euphy's Knight. She helped you, comforted you. And I thought that if she stayed, if she oversaw the SAZ, you could find a home with her."

That was true, mostly. Suzaku had felt honoured and loved being at Princess Euphemia's side, but it had also been another burden of responsibility that he'd had to shoulder. It hadn't actually stopped him from putting himself in harm's way, but it had added to the list of justifications for doing so. As hopeful and happy as he'd been with Euphy, the thing that had stopped him working towards his own death had happened after.

After Zero.

Suzaku's eyes narrowed "So you agreed to the SAZ to keep me with Euphy?" Lelouch nodded. "And then you ordered me into your bed. That seems a little counterproductive, doesn't it?"

Lelouch flushed. "I didn't… I never expected it would get that far. I thought I'd tease you, play a little, and then you'd be more open, more vulnerable. I was hoping to get the feel of the Britannian delegates from you, what they actually wanted. Maybe some warning if Schneizel or someone planned a surprise visit. And… and I wanted to spend some time with you. I didn't want to let you go."

"That's not what happened."

Lelouch swallowed and looked away again. "I knew I could never have you. But Zero… And you liked it! You wanted it…"

"What? I didn't… my body might have wanted it, but I never…"

"You came back! Even after I insinuated that the SAZ was stable, even after you started seeing me, Lelouch, you still came back! You wanted it." Lelouch leaned forward, more intent on making Suzaku believe this than he had when telling Suzaku about his regrets as Zero. "I gave you every possible out – I stopped when you told me to, I checked constantly to make sure you were okay, I did everything you asked, even when it put me in danger…"

"You really believe that, don't you?" Suzaku asked incredulously. "You coerced me into your bedroom and you really think you gave me a choice."

"I had no choice!" Lelouch yelled. "You wouldn't even look me in the eye, and I'd lost everything to Euphy and her good intentions, and she didn't even know she was taking it, and I gave it all up, but I couldn't lose you." Lelouch's voice broke and Suzaku realized he was crying. Which was so wrong – even broken and bleeding, Lelouch never cried. "I gave up so much, more than anyone knows, but it was worth it because…"

Because he had Suzaku. He'd said that, as Zero and possibly as himself if Suzaku was remembering correctly. It was just another burden, like being Euphy's Knight, but Suzaku couldn't deny that it made him feel wanted. Needed.

And Lelouch needed him now.

He crossed the room and cupped Lelouch's face in his hands, wiping the silent tears that glittered on Lelouch's cheeks away with his thumbs. "Don't cry."

"I'm not crying." Lelouch glared at him, still red-faced and damp-cheeked, but under more control. "What are you doing anyway, comforting the enemy…"

Suzaku cut him off with a kiss, all his frustration and adrenaline turned into an odd kind of exasperated lust. "Why can't you ever be honest and straightforward about things?"

"Why can't you ever be honest and thoughtful about things?" Lelouch returned, but it was missing the bite of anger. "I'm not the only liar here."

No, but he was the only… Suzaku's mind shied away from any term that described what Lelouch had done. It wasn't entirely accurate, and it might not have even been entirely fair (or it may have been Suzaku making excuses), and mostly Suzaku had to concede Lelouch's point and avoid thinking about it for his own comfort.

Instead, he pushed Lelouch down on the bed, settling between his legs and kissing him more intently. Lelouch went easily, even eagerly, his hands working on the fastenings of Suzaku's shirt as Suzaku unbuttoned his.

"Is this…" Lelouch gasped as Suzaku sucked at his throat. "Are we done fighting?"

Suzaku hummed against his throat and pulled back, opening Lelouch's shirt and smoothing over the perfect skin of his chest.

Lelouch trembled beneath him. "Don't be tender with me. I don't think I could stand it right now."

Suzaku frowned. He wasn't sure if this counted as make up sex, since he wasn't sure they were actually making up (or if they could, considering what had happened) but he refused to let it turn into angry sex. "This time, Lelouch, you'll take whatever I give you."

Lelouch's eyes flashed once, rebelliously, and then he closed them. He was still trembling, and his body reacted every time Suzaku touched him, but he kept quiet, as if punishing Suzaku for his demand by withholding his voice.

Suzaku just saw that as a challenge.

He kept his touch light, gently caressing Lelouch's skin before bending down and kissing him. He rested his fingers against the pulse in Lelouch's neck, feeling it fluttering like a trapped bird's wings, as his mouth moved over Lelouch's chest, down towards his abdomen.

"So soft," Suzaku murmured, sliding his hands down Lelouch's sides until they rested in the dip of his waist as his mouth travelled down. "So sweet." He dipped his tongue into Lelouch's bellybutton and Lelouch ached against him, his breath gasping, but still he remained silent.

Very well, then. Suzaku would have to up his game. But he couldn't help lingering a moment, lavishing attention on the places that made Lelouch's muscles quiver and clench, before allowing his hands to move to the front of Lelouch's pants.

They were definitely straining at the crotch, but they were still dry. Suzaku unzipped them and let Lelouch's cock free, tugging down his pants and underwear when Lelouch helpfully lifted his hips. "Thank you."

Lelouch made a small disgruntled sound and looked away. Suzaku wasn't willing to count that in his favour.

Not just yet.

He ignored Lelouch's erection, hard and wanting, and nuzzled at the soft skin of the join between his legs and his groin. He had to bite back a groan of his own at the scent – how could he have ever thought Zero and Lelouch weren't the same person when all his senses screamed at him that they were?

He was rewarded with hands in his hair, gripping, tugging, insistent and demanding. Suzaku smiled and lifted Lelouch's hips, tenderly kissing and suckling at the sensitive testicles and skin under Lelouch's cock.

The hands in his hair tightened, and Suzaku was finally rewarded for his efforts. "Suzaku!"

Suzaku grinned and looked up, loving how desperate Lelouch looked. "Yes?"

"Please, just… please…" He didn't seem to be able to get anything else out, but Suzaku took pity on him and let Lelouch move him where he wanted him.

It wasn't where Suzaku expected. Once again completely bypassing Lelouch's cock, Suzaku was dragged all the way up Lelouch's body until they were kissing again, moving against each other despite the fact that it had to be more painful than pleasurable for Lelouch to rub his bare cock on Suzaku's pants.

Lelouch fixed that quickly, though, releasing Suzaku once they were kissing in order to undo his pants, fishing Suzaku's own cock out and pumping him with more enthusiasm and eagerness than technique.

Suzaku gasped against Lelouch's lips and reached down to return the favour, still trying to be as gentle as possible as he raced with him towards completion. He wasn't sure which one of them came first, but it didn't really matter. Once Lelouch was pliant and soft under him again, Suzaku switched their positions and held Lelouch against him, letting everything else ease away.

Lelouch idly traced patterns on Suzaku's skin, his eyes downcast and solemn. Suzaku wasn't sure what to say to him, after everything that had happened, compounded by what they'd just done. Maybe they could keep things on this level – sex without emotion. Lelouch-as-Zero had been happy enough with that, willing to concede an unrequited love in return for mutually satisfactory sex.

No, even more than that, at first he hadn't even seemed to care about it being mutual. All that had mattered was getting Suzaku off. In fact, the first time he'd gotten off first, he'd seemed a little uncomfortable, unsure of himself.

Lelouch was probably, as far as he could, telling the truth. He'd done everything he could to make sure Suzaku was happy and fulfilled, without demanding either reciprocity or any emotional returns. The way he'd done it had been messed up, but…

Well, that was Lelouch. Selfish and stubborn and always thinking he knew better than anyone else. And maybe he did; it had been months since Suzaku had felt the usual suicidal urges that had plagued him through his adolescence. Maybe that was Lelouch/Zero, and maybe it wasn't, but the timing was suspicious. Had Lelouch cured him by forcing him as Zero?

The idea was ludicrous. But Suzaku couldn't let go of the image of Lelouch crying in frustration over the thought of losing him, he couldn't deny that the loss of control had been every bit as soothing and important as the release of the sex itself. And the cuddling after, what Suzaku had initially thought had just been a sort of mockery and taunting torment, was something he craved now, every bit as much as the bondage and the sex.

He'd thought that Lelouch wouldn't have been able to give those things to him. Once again, he'd underestimated Lelouch's willingness to do whatever it took to keep those he loved happy, however they needed to be happy.

"I don't hate you."

The look of hope in Lelouch's eyes was painfully strong, too much of a reaction for him not to have considered it a possibility.

"I don't hate you, and I'm still in love with… 'Lelouch'… but I still think I need Zero."

Lelouch nodded. "Do you think you could ever love Zero?"

Suzaku shook his head. "Things aren't like that between us. And I don't think I'm ready for them to change."

"Alright." Lelouch sounded oddly pleased. "Then we'll keep the weekly appointments?"

Chains, blindfolds, surprises… "For now."

Lelouch chuckled and Suzaku knew that he hadn't quite managed to hide how much he was looking forward to them. "Ah, would you prefer me to tell you what I have planned? I don't think you liked last time…"

"I didn't hate it," Suzaku said. "It was just a little… much." Lelouch looked like he wanted to apologize, but Suzaku hushed him with a finger to his lips. "And, no. I'd rather be surprised. After all, you know me so well, and I always have that safeword."

"You do." Lelouch seemed satisfied with that.

There was just one more thing. "Remember that favour?"

"Hmm? Ah, yes. Have you thought of something?"

Suzaku nodded. "I want to tell Euphy everything." Lelouch made a face. "Not in detail! Just about us being together and knowing that you're Zero and everything. I'm not sure if what I need from Zero is actually… healthy, and I want someone to talk to if I need it."

"I'm not so sure I want my little sister to know I'm into BDSM," Lelouch groused. "Even if it's really only for your sake."

"You said anything," Suzaku reminded him.

Lelouch sighed. "Alright. But nothing to Nunnally!"

Suzaku tried to imagine explaining any of this to Nunnally. He shuddered. "Agreed."

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO
OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

Notes:

Okay, so. First off, I'm not sure if BDSM really applies here, since Lelouch/Zero was applying BDSM rules as much as he could, including aftercare, but he never got Suzaku's actual non-coerced consent, and consent is such a huge part of BDSM (or it should be) that I'm not sure this counts. But it does fit the trope of fictional BDSM, so I kept it. Also, Zero isn't actually a very good dom – he doesn't go over boundaries or limits with Suzaku before trying new things. It's one thing if 'surprise me' is a negotiated thing; it's another if it's sprung on the sub without discussion.

Secondly, the infidelity/polyamory is another weird one. I can't even explain which is more appropriate, if either, but I figured if it bugged people, there are enough flavours of it here that it's worth the warning. I personally don't think Suzaku can cheat on Zero, since their relationship is coercive, and Lelouch is aware of Suzaku's 'other' lover, which personally voids the infidelity to me. And Lelouch and Zero are the same person, so polyamory? Not so much. But there are vibes.

Thirdly, Lelouch did not fuck Suzaku into mental health, despite what Suzaku thinks. He's still as screwed up as ever, only he's no longer suicidal. Why? That awful Live Geass thrumming through Suzaku's veins. The timing is mostly a coincidence – Suzaku's actually not been suicidal since Kamine, he just didn't notice it until after.

Finally, Suzaku's acceptance of everything is a personal choice he made. Sometimes victims chose to stay with their abusers, especially if there's history. Whether this (fictional) relationship constitutes abuse is certainly up for (fictional) interpretation, but even if it does, Suzaku's choice to stay with Lelouch isn't forgiveness or an endorsement of what he went through, it's just moving on.

P.S. Euphy is a brilliant bad-ass, and no one can convince me otherwise.