sorry this took so long, i'm trash it's fine

thank you all for your feedback, can't tell you how much it means to me.

chapter sixteen

"Hi."

Edward doesn't turn around right away. He lets my greeting hang in the air and I watch him square his shoulders before he faces me.

"Hey." His voice is flat and I'm tempted to run away but I force my feet to stay where they are. I try to ignore the fact that my mom is probably staring at both of us in the dim light of this coffee shop.

I go the route of small talk because I don't know what else to do, starting with a desperate, "How's it going?"

"Fine."

Okay, not giving me a lot to go off of.

What would Eleanor say?

Probably something way more eloquent than I could ever manage. So I say, "I think I'm changing my major."

His eyes meet mine briefly—but it's still enough to make my stomach flutter.

"To creative writing," I continue slowly. I wait for his ecstatic response—the one where he congratulates me and pulls me into his arms and spins us around.

But my hopes are dashed when he tells me, "Oh, good. That's good."

I feel myself start to deflate.

"Did I do something wrong?" I finally ask, my voice harsher than I'd planned. I sound almost shrill and I imagine Eleanor cringing at it.

"I can't do this right now, Bella."

"Well when would be a good time for you?" My tone is sarcastic as it rivals his sternness.

"Don't you have somewhere to be? Your boyfriend must be looking for you."

"What?" I cry, my frustration with him reaching its peak. Screw Eleanor.

"I saw you guys here last week, you don't need to act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know why you'd go back to that guy after all the shit he's pulled with you."

I'm fuming, I'm hurt and I'm still in the midst of a mental break.

Which is how I justify me throwing my hands in the air and screaming, "WE WERE BREAKING UP FOR GOOD, YOU ASS."

His mouth opens and closes briefly and I'm flying out the door, angry tears fighting their way down my cheeks.

I hear my mom calling out behind me but I'm storming down to campus, cold wind biting at my ears.

There's nowhere left to go with this.

I feel panic filling up my throat and chest and head and I'm just trying to hide. So I turn around, I head down the main street and I find that little area Edward and I got to know each other. That night seems so long ago.

I text my mom when I pass McCallister's, telling her that I'm sorry and that I'm okay and once I round the corner of the McDonalds, into the trees and the light covering of snow. I let myself curl up next to a tree, my breaths coming in ragged bursts.

"Why do you keep running from me?"

"I'm not dating him. Not that it's any of your goddamn business."

"I shouldn't have said that."

"You shouldn't have."

"What's going on?"

"Why did you go out with Jess?"

"Because you told me to, Bella." His eyes are sad and he's on his knees in front of me, his cheeks pink from the cold and his hair windblown into beautiful chaos.

"That's not a great reason," I snort through my tears.

"Why are you crying?" he asks softly and his hand reaches out like he wants to wipe my tears away but he hesitates. "Don't cry. You don't need to cry."

"I'm trying," I wail. "I'm trying so hard but it isn't working."

"What?"

"To be the kind of girl you'd want. The kind of girl who is happy and brave and one who doesn't hate herself so much. I'm trying so hard, Edward."

And then the unthinkable happens.

Edward Cullen laughs at me.

It takes everything in me to not bury myself under the cold, snowy dirt.

"What is wrong with you?" I cry and his laughing fades into this soft smile as he scoots closer to me.

"Why are you trying to change yourself for…me? Bella, you're…you're already perfect. Hasn't it been obvious that I've been following you around like a puppy dog since that night at the theater? Fuck, Bella, half the songs on our new album are about you."

I can't deny that half the poems and stories and journal in my notebook are about his eyes and his easy laugh and his rough voice.

"What?" I whisper and his smile is larger now, it's bright and full and all for me and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my nerves feel electrified. "You went out with Jess."

"Because what was I supposed to do? You told me to go for it—you were still seeing that guy. I was driving myself crazy, I couldn't do it anymore."

"I wasn't seeing him," I clarify but he shakes his head.

"But you were thinking about it."

It isn't a lie.

"You scared me. You still scare me," I say.

My own truth.

"I don't try to," he murmurs and he's so, so close to me, I can feel his breath on my cheek.

"You're just amazing," I continue. "And I'm not. You're just…you're unpredictable. Your life is unstable."

"Yeah, and you're a calculating nutcase," he teases. I think. "but that's what I love about you—it's what makes you you."

My heart practically flies out of my chest at the word love.

"Edward?" I ask and I tilt my head up, my eyes trying their best not to flutter closed.

"Bella?" he breathes back, and my eyes lose their battle.

There's no answer to either of our questions, just his lips finally landing on mine, tenderly and warm. I feel my body come alive—every part of me buzzing with warmth and lust and happiness. His hand finds its way to my waist while my fingers tangle themselves in his hair at last. He sighs into my mouth and the opening of his lips lets me taste him, our tongues finding each other as he pulls me closer.

I think of track eight.

"My arms are open wide," I whisper and he makes a sound at the back of his throat at hearing his own words in my mouth.

And my arms are open wide—my hands may shake while they are but I'm trying.

When his lips find mine again, I know it's worth it.

can i get a finally?