This is about Madison, who hasn't had the best examples of what love and relationships are supposed to be like. There are hints of child molestation and rape in a few chapters, but nothing that goes into detail. She moves to La Push and meets Paul, who isn't exactly the gentle giant that everyone thinks Madison needs. In this story we'll see how Paul and Madison work through their childhood issues together to become better people for themselves and each other.

This is a sort chapter just so we can see what kind of environment Madison grew up in.

I try not to cry, but I can't help it. I curl myself up into a ball and let the tears flow freely. I stay like that for too long and I can feel my legs falling asleep, so I get up and stretch before I find my journal. I keep it in a oversized teddy bear that my dad won for me at a fair a few months before he died. My journal is huge and has enough pages to write something every day for three years, but I only write when something big happens or when I really feel like it. I've kept this journal for ten years because its the last thing my mom ever gave me, besides a few bumps and bruises, but I don't think those count. I laugh quietly in my head while a flip through the pages that are more beige than white, looking for a blank one.

April 27, 2000

Daddy is dead mommy told me. She says he is in hevan now. I ask mommy were hevan is and she says she dont really no. I ask her how does she no daddy is in hevan if she doesnt know were hevan is. She laffed and says it is becus daddy was a good man and that good men always end up in hevan. She got me this diary as a present and told me to right down my feelins in it.

July 3, 2000

Mommy started dating again. She brought a man named Robert home. He talked and walked kindda funny. Like I do when im real sleepy. I guess she tried to sneak him in because she was suprised to see me up watching cartoons. She told me I should be in bed because I wouldnt want to be tired for school. I guess she forgot that tomorrows Indipendance Day and that there is never school on July fourth.

December 4, 2003

Robert came into my room last night. I could tell he was drunk because his breath smelled real bad and he was walking funny again. He said I was pretty and told me I shouldnt let my perfect body go to waste whatever that means. Robert slept in my room that night. He played with my hair and kissed my neck and shoulder. He said I was the prettyist girl there ever was.

August 19, 2008

Bryson is good to me. He doesn't hit me when I say no because apparently he likes to keep his girl looking pretty. At least he wears a condom. He pays for my birth control pills and he buys me nice things. Bry is 33, thats younger than mom and way older than me. Mom is 38 and shes always high or drunk. She knows Bryson comes into my room every night, so she beats me for "taking" her man. As if I asked him to hold me down and force himself on me while he pats my head like i'm his good little fuck doll. Bry beats mom when she beats me and then she beats me again when he beats her. Then he beats her again until its not fun for him anymore. Its all an endless cycle of abuse around here and its getting old.

August 23, 2008

Bryson told me he loved me for the first time and it would have been kind of sweet if it wasn't right after he hit me for the first time. I dont know if I trust him anymore. Should I have lied and told him I loved him back? Maybe I should love him back.

I shake my head at the tomfoolery that is my life and silently wish for my dad. Lissa was a good person before he died and I can't imagine the type of life that I would have if he never left us. I find a blank page and start to write.

May 17, 2010

I didnt go to school today, but thats not really anything new I guess. There is no way I could hide all of the bruises from Mike and Lissa's little game of kick the ginger that went down last night. Instead of being in the semi safe environment of my less than stellar high school, I was stuck in my room all day while Tweedledee and Tweedledum got high, drunk and sexy all over the two bedroom apartment. I didn't eat today and when I snuck out of my room to ask mom for money while Mike was in the bathroom she laughed in my face. I guess she was full off of drugs and cheap liquor. There is absolutely nothing to do in my room so I skimmed through my journal and added some stuff up. (I would even venture to say that this counts as Math, English, History and Sex Ed.. So, excluding lunch and Science, I've pretty much had a full day of school in about a half hour.) I've had the pleasure of knowing thirteen sex partners in a ten year time span, all of which were dating my lovely mother, I've been molested and raped to many times to count, i've had two different STD's (thankfully both treatable by a simple pill or shot). And to top off my ever growing list i've had one beautiful baby boy that I sold, legally much to Lissa's annoyance, for some much needed money. This shit has got to stop, pronto.

I shut my depressing little book and tuck it back into my bear before cuddling with him. "Jer Bear, we need to do something about this fucked up situation that we find ourselves in." I kiss his cheek and shut my eyes knowing that I would be safe from Mike tonight because of my locked door and distracting mother.