The Way We Were – Chapter 10

The last place Rose had planned to linger was in the loo, especially considering it was her fourth visit since she had entered her mother's flat, but she had suddenly felt dizzy and was therefore not ready to leave. She had been studying her reflection in the mirror (thankfully her eyes were not too puffy or red from the on-and-off crying all day) and had decided to use her mother's hairbrush before returning to view the remaining photo albums. But when she picked up the brush from the counter, it had slipped from her hands. She bent over to retrieve it and saw tiny flashes of light in front of her eyes that almost made her loose her balance. She stumbled to the toilet, closed the lid, and sat down.

"So this is what it means to see stars," Rose said aloud. She understood the analogy, but the sudden flashes were more like fireworks than any stars she had seen. She rested her elbows on her knees and supported her head with her hands until the room stopped spinning. Rose was beginning to regret turning down the Doctor's offer to supply the missing details about her life. It would have been helpful to have a better understanding of the physical complications she had been experiencing. And since the Doctor assured her there was nothing seriously wrong with her, she reasoned that her worry would cause her to lose more sleep than would knowing the cause of her affliction.

The thought of sleep caused Rose to realize just how tired she was. Although it was only slightly past nine and she had had plenty of time to rest throughout the day, there was no denying how exhausted she felt. She was curious about the photographs that remained, but she now doubted she had the energy to continue. Still, it seemed far too early to turn in for the night. Perhaps they could watch a film on the telly, and if she became too sleepy, she could retire to her old bedroom rather than the unfamiliar one in the flat downstairs. Rose decided to suggest the idea to the rest, so she got up slowly and carefully to make sure she was no longer lightheaded and made her way to the doorway.

When Rose exited the bathroom, she could hear the Doctor and Jack in the midst of a squabble and it caused her to frown. Rose had assumed that the dispute over Rewind Day had been put aside for the evening, and it irritated her to think that they took it up again as soon as she had left the room. But when Rose heard the two mention a few film titles she smiled. One or both of them had come up with the same plan she had. She was glad it was a friendly debate, but as she paused unseen in the hallway and listened, she was overcome with a feeling of déjà vu and a memory began to play in her mind.

Noise from the living room had woken Rose from a deep sleep. With blurry eyes, she looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was ten minutes to one. When she had left the pub over an hour ago, her mother had told her not to wait up and that she'd likely sleep at her friend Beth's flat since it was closer to the pub. So the sound of footsteps and things being moved about caused her no small concern. She was about to dial the Doctor's mobile phone (being two floors down, he would arrive faster than the police) when she heard the front door open.

"What are you doing here?" a voice she recognized as the Doctor's asked in an accusatory tone. At least she didn't have to ring him, but she didn't know if he was the person who had already been in the room or if he had arrived and discovered the intruder. Either way, she had no idea what he was doing in her flat at one in the morning and who else was there. She wanted to get up and investigate, but she thought it best to wait until she had a better idea of the situation. She sat up in her bed and listened.

"I could be asking you the exact same thing," a man answered in an American accent. Rose knew it had to be Jack, but she had thought he was in Cardiff.

"They gave me a key," the Doctor said as if it were explanation enough.

"And do you regularly sneak around their flat while they're sleeping?" asked Jack in a tone that made it clear he found the Doctor's behavior suspicious.

"Not home," the Doctor said. "Rose mentioned something about a pub."

"Ah, makes sense," Jack said in a tone that dripped with sarcasm. "If I had a home full of new furniture and state-of-the-art electronics, the first thing I'd do the minute nobody was home is rush upstairs to humbler surroundings."

"Just dropping something off," the Doctor said gruffly. "You haven't told me why you're here or how you got in."

"You left the door unlocked," Jack said matter-of-factly. "First rule of living on an estate: always lock your doors."

Rose thought she heard the Doctor respond with a harrumph. "Still doesn't explain why you're here."

"I was looking for you," Jack said. "I checked your flat first, then went to the next logical place. Do you spend any time in your own home?"

"It's not my home," the Doctor hissed. "Never has been."

"Still, it's technically where you live, "Jack said. "Yet you'd rather spend all your time with the Tylers." He paused. "Or at least one Tyler in particular."

"Was making sure she was back on her feet—that she had support," the Doctor said defensively.

"You actually believe your own excuses, don't you?" Jack asked. "The Rewind Days are far less frequent, yet you spend every possible moment with her."

There was silence for several seconds, and Rose, who was now fully awake, felt something flutter within her at Jack's observation. The Doctor spent most of the time he was not at U.N.I.T by her side. Could he possibly think of her as more than a friend?

"It was a mistake," the Doctor said, and Rose thought she could detect anger in his voice.

"What was?" Jack asked.

"Spending that much time with her," the Doctor answered. "Made it too much like old times. Didn't let her adjust to her new reality. I should've let her find her old friends—or new ones—rather than monopolize her time. It was selfish."

"It's normal," Jack said. "I'm sure even Time Lords want to spend time with the people they care most about. And I'm fairly certain it's mutual."

"Then that just makes this even harder," the Doctor said darkly.

Rose's twinge of hope just seconds earlier changed to a feeling of foreboding. She wished she could see what the two were doing, but she knew remaining unseen was the only way to allow the conversation to continue, so in order to hear better, she moved over to her door and opened it up a crack as quietly as she could.

"Good," Jack's said. "It shouldn't be easy to do what you're planning."

"Then you know," the Doctor responded.

"Yes," said Jack, "And you knew I'd figure it out. I bet you just hoped it would take me longer."

If the Doctor responded, he didn't do so verbally. Rose was tempted to peek out, but she couldn't risk being discovered.

"You can't con a con-man," Jack told the Doctor. "I knew something was up the minute you arrived at the Torchwood Hub today. Your excuse was shallow and you showed way too much interest in my office. I have to say, though, setting off the perimeter alarm and short circuiting the CCTV was a clever distraction. But you should have known I would look for it as soon as the chaos had settled."

"Doesn't matter," the Doctor mumbled.

"No, of course not," Jack said. "You got what you came for. I bet you even have it on" There was the sound of rustling fabric before Jack continued. "Well at least it looks good on you."

The Doctor did not respond to Jack's remarks and the entire flat remained silent for several minutes.

"Here's the thing though," said Jack is if there had not been a lengthy pause. "You know the time storm affected all time-sensitive equipment, including the Vortex Manipulator. You know there is only one good jump left in it and that there is no way to predict where or when you'd end up. You know this, yet you seem fine with it."

Rose's sense of uneasiness grew, and she focused on keeping her breathing even to distract herself from the unpleasant conclusions she was beginning to draw.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised though, should I?" Jack said."Cause that's what you do, isn't it? You run. You steal a time travel device and run away. Never forming attachments. Never looking back."

"That's enough!" the Doctor growled through what sounded like clenched teeth.

"Then tell me I'm wrong!" Jack challenged him. After a few seconds with no response, Jack continued. "See? You can't. You flee the minute you have anything that hints at a normal life. Except this time you you're stuck. And now you're as agitated as a caged animal."

"You are wrong," the Doctor said. "I have stayed. Was even exiled here once. Made some good friends." Rose could hear the Doctor's heavy footsteps as he crossed the room. "And I chose to stay this time. But it's time to move on."

"Why?"

"Why?" the Doctor said, echoing Jack. "Because I can't live what you call a normal life. Sooner or later people will notice I'm not aging. Meanwhile you'll grow older. Eventually you—you and Rose—you'll both..." The Doctor exhaled loudly but did not continue.

"So that's it then," Jack said flatly. "You're so afraid of loss, that you'd rather lose it all now. But you're not escaping anything. You're just hastening it along."

Rose 's heart felt as if it had stopped, and tears filled her eyes. She moved closer to the door and leaned her head against the doorway as she waited for the Doctor's reply, but there was no answer.

"And what about us?" Jack asked. The tension in his voice had been replaced with a quiet sadness. "Were you even going to tell us?"

Rose could hear the sounds of paper being handled and she waited nervously while (she assumed) Jack read whatever was written.

Finally Jack spoke. "She deserves better."

"I know," the Doctor said in a hollow voice. "I had a feeling she might—" There was a pause. "I let myself believe that we—" The Doctor sighed. "But it can't be. I need to get out of her way."

"That's not what I meant," said Jack. "Though, the way you're going on, I'm almost inclined to agree. Still, I knew from the minute I saw the two of you together that there was something there, even if you both deny it. So whether or not she could find someone better is irrelevant. She belongs with you."

Rose gasped at Jack's perception and waited through another uncomfortable pause. Rose could hear shuffling, but she could only guess at the movements and facial expressions being made.

"And what I meant," continued Jack, "is that she deserves better than for you to disappear like a thief in the night with nothing but a letter as your only goodbye."

Rose felt hot tears on her face and she struggled to choke back the sobs that threatened to reveal her presence. On Rewind Days, when she thought the Tardis was intact, she would beg the Doctor to go back to the life he was used to, but on normal days she had assumed he had accepted their new reality. He hadn't shown any signs to the contrary, so it had never occurred to her that he might one day leave her behind.

"I can't let you do this," Jack said in a tone that was somewhere between a command and plea. "I care far too much about her to let you hurt her like this."

"Then comfort her," the Doctor said. "Be to her what I couldn't be. I'm too broken, too damaged, too bitter." Rose heard the sound of a dining room chair being pulled back followed by someone (likely the Doctor) sitting. There was a thud on the table as either a fist or an elbow hit it.

"There was a time I might've taken you up on that, and given her the attention she deserves," Jack said. Then he chuckled mirthlessly. "Hell, there was a time I would've given that attention to you. But that was ages ago, and you're both too much like family for me to seriously entertain those thoughts."

"But if I was out of the way..."

"Maybe, you're right," Jack said. "Maybe if you were gone I'd eventually see her as something more than a sister again. But it doesn't matter. I'm not the one she wants. You place is here, with her. I know I can't force you to stop running if your mind's made up, but I'll be damned if I let you leave without at least making sure you say goodbye to her face!"

Rose had heard enough. She appreciated Jack's loyalty, but it was time to fight her own battle. With a mixture of pain and determination, she stormed into the living room.

"That's okay, Jack," she said to her friend as she fought back her tears. "I'm right here."

As suddenly as it had begun, the memory stopped, but Rose's feelings carried over to the present. So when she lingered at the edge of the hallway and saw the Doctor and Jack standing in the corner of living room arguing about DVDs, it burned like salt in a wound, and she couldn't help but project her emotions onto the current situation.

"Stop!" she exclaimed. "Just stop!"

The three other people in the room turned from the DVD choices to look at Rose in alarm, but her eyes focused solely on the Doctor.

"You were going to leave me!" Rose exclaimed. The instant Rose spoke, she understood the implication of her words: Rose viewed the possibility of the Doctor leaving as a personal abandonment. Rose also knew this was not fair. She was home, not left on some alien planet or in the wrong time period, and the Doctor had every right to travel wherever and whenever he wanted. In addition, earlier that day, (and according to her recovered memory, on all the other Rewind Days) she had begged him to leave and lead a life for which he was better suited. She could not demand him to stay, and he had no obligation to do so. But what was fair and how Rose felt were two entirely different things.

"Rose, what—" began the Doctor before stopping mid sentence. Rose tried to read his face. Was that guilt that caused the lines on his forehead? Concern? Confusion?

"I remember," she told him with more bite in her tone than she had intended, but anger felt safer than any other emotion threatening to control her. "You stole Jack's Vortex manipulator! You were going to leave...leave and not even say goodbye!"

The Doctor's face fell and he hung his head. "Of all the memories..." he said sadly.

"So it's true!" exclaimed Rose as she brushed tears from her eyes. Part of her had hoped she had misunderstood and that there was some other explanation.

"Yes," admitted Doctor sadly. "But I didn't leave."

"Only because Jack stopped you!" countered Rose.

"And I'm glad he showed up," the Doctor said. "But even if he hadn't, I couldn't have done it. Not without being sure I could come back."

"You wrote a letter and showed up in the middle of the night to leave it!" Stray hairs were now sticking to Rose's wet face and she did her best to sweep it back behind her ears. As she did, her hand brushed her scar. She frowned, thinking of all the heartache that must have happened since her injury.

"I stayed, Rose!" the Doctor said. "I'm right here!"

"Then why were you going to leave?" Rose asked through her tears.

"I don't know," the Doctor said. His eyes pleaded with her to understand. "I was afraid."

The look on the Doctor's face made Rose want to forget the memory and return to the closeness she had felt earlier in the evening, but her hurt won out. "Of what?" she asked. "What were you so afraid of?"

The Doctor shook his head once slightly but did not answer. Even from the other side of the room, Rose could see there were tears in his eyes. Jack stepped over to him and put a hand on his back. The show of support was confusing after the scene Rose had just recalled. Everyone seemed fine about what the Doctor had almost done, but Rose was not.

"You said earlier that you wouldn't leave even if you could," she countered as she crossed her arms in front of her. "Was that just a lie?"

"No," the Doctor said adamantly. "I meant it—mean it. That memory was from ten and a half months ago!"

Rose was temporarily taken back by this information. It was easy to overlook how much time had actually passed since the accident. But the timing only caused her more anxiety. The longer the Doctor was on Earth, the more likely it would be that he would feel trapped and desire to escape.

"What does that matter?" asked Rose.

"A lot has changed," the Doctor said.

"Yeah, I heard that before," Rose said bitterly, her voice now shaking. "What's changed so much that you won't just vanish tomorrow without a trace?"

The Doctor broke eye contact with Rose and glanced at Jack, who nodded at him. The Doctor set the DVDs on the sofa next to him and took a small step in Rose's direction. Instinctively, Rose stepped back.

"I wasn't myself that day," he said. "Had a lot on my mind, and I—"

"Stop," Rose interrupted. Her back was against the corner of the wall and it was uncomfortable, so she stepped forward just slightly as she pointed an accusing finger at him. "Don't make excuses!"

The Doctor pursed his lips and breathed in deeply. "I'm not," he insisted. "I'm tryin' to tell you." Tears began to escape from his eyes as he continued. "Rose, I—"

The emotion in the Doctor's face and voice was not lost on Rose, but she knew the games men played and had been swayed by that act before. "Nothing you say is going to convince me that things are all that different."

"Just listen to me!" the Doctor begged.

"No," Rose said as tears fell more freely. "Don't say another word!"

The Doctor's face changed from a look of desperation to one of determination. "Fine," he said.

In three large strides, the Doctor crossed the living room and stopped in front of Rose. He looked at her with fire in his eyes and grasped both of her shoulders. Rose flinched involuntarily. Though there was no precedence for it, Rose thought for a moment he might hit or shake her. But before she had fully dismissed the ridiculous thought, he had moved his hand behind her head, lowered his own head to her level, and pressed his lips against hers.

It took Rose a split second to register what was happening. The Doctor had kissed her. The Doctor was kissing her, and apparently she was kissing him back. It wasn't exactly the way Rose had imagined her first kiss with the Doctor would go (and she had imagined the scenario quite a bit) since this kiss had begun abruptly in the midst of an argument and she could taste the tears from one or both of them on her lips, but it didn't matter: The Doctor was kissing her!

After a moment, she pulled away slightly to breathe and looked at him with questioning eyes.

"You wouldn't let me explain," he said with a shrug and a sheepish grin.

Rose couldn't help it—she grinned back with her tongue just peeking out and touching the tip of her tooth. Then before she could change her mind, she grabbed the lapels of the Doctor's leather jacket and pulled him toward herself till their lips met. Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and continued where they had left off. The sensation was simultaneously wonderful and surreal Everything was new to her mind, but she responded to the Doctor as if she were performing her part in a well-rehearsed dance rather than reacting to a spontaneous display of affection. Rose thought about what the Doctor had said at the farmer's market when she found herself speaking a language she had not remembered learning. She had a strong suspicion that, like the Spanish she had spoken earlier, her expert choreography was also the result of procedural memory. And as she continued to revel in the current experience, she also marveled. Actions truly did speak louder than words, and their synchronized actions were a testimony of the change that Rose had not permitted the Doctor to explain.

Rose had no idea how much time had passed. Nor was she fully aware of her surroundings. So it wasn't until the second time she heard someone clear their throat that her mind caught up and told her that someone had twice tried to interrupt her revelry. Even then, she ignored the rude individual until she heard the noise a third time.

"A-hem," said the voice in a poorly acted imitation of clearing ones throat.

Rose heard it, but she did not respond. She was too busy marveling in the fact that the skin of the Doctor's lower back, despite being under a wool jumper and leather jacket all day, was still cool to her exploring fingertips.

"Well!" said Jack in a bright voice that invaded Rose's euphoria like nails on a chalkboard and caused her to reluctantly move her face away from the Doctor's, "as glad as I am that the relationship elephant in the room has been taken care of, I thought you two might want to be reminded of your surroundings."

Rose opened her eyes and blinked at the brightness that came from the artificial light in the room. Then she remembered where she was. "Oh my God," she mumbled as she felt her face flush. She withdrew her arms from their position around the Doctor's torso, and once again grabbed his coat lapels. But this time she used them to pull him closer so she could bury her face in the soft cashmere of his jumper and hide.

"That's right," Jack said to the pair, enjoying the situation far too much for his own good. "You're in Jackie's living room. And she's just a few feet away."

Though her face was well hidden, Rose knew it was burning even brighter than it had been just seconds previous. "Oh my God," she uttered a second time, getting fuzz in her mouth as she did. She had just passionately snogged the Doctor in front of her mother!

Rose's mind flashed to a memory more than eighteen months old. Her mother had slapped the Doctor so hard he nearly fell over when she erroneously thought he and Rose were in a physical relationship. This time, if the direction of Rose's automatic choreography was any indication, Jackie would likely have been right. And this time she knew he was over nine hundred years old, not forty or forty-five as she had originally assumed. Her mother was going to kill him!

Rose's fingers tightened around the leather she was holding as if that would somehow protect the wearer. She could hear Jack chuckling somewhere to her left, and if she could have managed to do so while still maintaining the cover the leather jacket provided, she would have shown Jack just how powerful a Tyler slap could be. The Doctor must have been equally irritated, because she could feel his body stiffen.

"Leave her alone," the Doctor growled. His arms, which still encircled her, tightened around her and he pressed his lips to the top of her head. "It's okay, love," he said tenderly.

Despite the embarrassment she was currently enduring, Rose could have melted on the spot. She knew the word was a typical term of endearment that could be uttered by anyone—even the local shopkeeper—and not a profession of one's feelings, but it was not a term she had ever heard the Doctor use. However he had meant it, she knew its use was deliberate.

Between the embarrassment and the euphoria of the past few minutes, Rose was unable to think clearly, yet somehow the Doctor was able to steer her to the sofa while still allowing her to keep her face hidden. There was some jostling as the Doctor picked something up and extended his arm to someone else. Rose had not heard her mother's voice and had no desire to make eye contact with either her nor Jack, so she let the events unfold around her. Soon she heardthe song "She" playing in the background over an entertainment news report and recognized instantly that it was the opening to Notting Hill. From the safety of her woolen refuge, Rose smiled. The film was a peace offering. Without any words Jack and the Doctor, had chosen a film that was enjoyed by both Rose and her mother. And she had a feeling they already knew that.

As the film played on, Rose gradually loosened her death-grip on the Doctor's jacket and settled against him more naturally. Eventually she directed her attention at the screen and was even able to steal glances at the other two people in the room. Jack happened to notice her gaze and winked at her. Rose rolled her eyes at him in response. Her mother was too engrossed in the story to notice Rose, but seemed perfectly content and showed no signs of anger or shock. Rose shrugged and looked up at the Doctor. He smiled at her and gave her a gentle squeeze with the arm that was wrapped around her as if was the most normal thing in the world. Rose was happy and far too tired to ask questions, so she leaned against him and sighed. Despite the turmoil and raw emotions, Rewind Day had ended rather spectacularly. And if this is how life was on days in which she had no memories, she couldn't wait to see what it was like on the days when all her memories were intact. Rose's eyes felt heavy and she finally allowed them to close, knowing she would soon succumb to sleep. When she awoke, things were going to be fantastic.

Author's Notes: This is a day late because revisions kicked my rear. In the process a scene I had in Chapter 10 moved to Chapter 11 and dialogue kept getting revamped. There is A LOT of dialogue in this chapter! on the plus side this chapter is about 4,500 words, so there is a lot going on!

There's not a lot of background to explain this time. However the research for this chapter was rather time consuming. I had to watch the 40 minute mark of Parting of the Ways several times and I even watched the Bad Wolf Bay scene on Journey's End for good measure as well. You may now thank me for this sacrifice and dedication. ;) I do want to be clear that though I used a metaphor of dancing, I assure you that the Doctor and Rose did not "dance" in the living room the way the Doctor had used the word during the London Blitz.

I did change the film in the last scene. It was Bridget Jones's Diary, but when I recalled how adult some scenes are, I realized that Rose would probably feel uncomfortable watching that in mixed company - especially right after feeling embarrassed. So Notting Hill seemed a bit more mild. The point of picking a romantic comedy to appease both women, however, still stands. And both films have Hugh Grant, which is also a good way to appease most women. As a bonus, the opening song "She" (though by a different singer) was also used as a clip montage in a Doctor Who Confidential episode about Nine and Rose. So it is rather fitting, even as a second choice.

I have done my best to keep both my flashback and current Doctor in character despite being in an alternative timeline. So the following is a quick explanation of my thought process if anyone is interested:

This Doctor has been granted more time in Nine's incarnation. Therefore some of the growth experienced by Ten would happen with Nine instead. The flashback takes place in November 2007. In the canon storyline, it was about January 2007 when Ten had his conversation with Rose about how humans wither and die and is why he has left them. The Doctor hates goodbyes and losing those he cares about. And while he said he would not do the same to her, it may make this story's Doctor contemplate things that seem uncharacteristic. And in addition to growing feelings for Rose, Nine also is dealing with losing his Tardis - which is not just his ride off our "primitive" planet but also the only link to his old home. I think he is allowed a few lapses in judgment.

(Of course what follows is the GITF atrocity in which the Doctor DOES abandon Rose and Mickey and seems more concerned with the fact that he is on "the slow path" than the fact that his companions are stuck on a creepy spaceship ages in their future. So if you still think my Nine is a bit out of character in the flashback, we can at least be thankful Moffat isn't writing him!)

Purple Guest: Thanks again for your review. Rewind Days are indeed stressful, but as Jack said, they have been more that way recently. Thank goodness they are not as frequent anymore. That has to be one of the reasons they are not stressed past their breaking point. But as you can see, it seems they can come close! Yeah I loved the baby photo scene. I'd ask why moms even take those pictures, but I have them of my own little ones, so I am just as guilty!

News: In case you missed it, I have changed my posting day to Sunday at 8pm-ish Pacific Time. It is just easier to have a weekend to write through. If I am more than a day late, I will usually wait till the next week to post.

Also, I will soon be revising this story. Don't be alarmed. Mostly it is formatting. I am taking out all italics in flashbacks because it is distracting to read and write in, plus I think that the page breaks are sufficient scene changers. In addition there may be some small words and sentence changes. Nothing to the overall story telling, just housekeeping. Do not feel you need to go back and read the chapters again, but if you do, you might notice some small changes. I am also streamlining notes such as these.

Don't forget to read my profile for updates. I will post them usually on the posting day or up to two days later.

Next week I will be back to As Time Goes By and then either write two chapters or return to this the next week.