This is a quick edit of my most popular COAI fic. I smehow got ensnared by this fandom again so I decided to get back into the grove and check out what I thought about the ship years ago. While I really liked what I read (I could not believe I thought like this when I was sixteen), I understand why it was very hard to digest. I hope this edited version makes it more readable.

….

Life's Best Wishes

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-Nineteen-

Today is her birthday.

But does he really need to know that?

Unless she desires to stir things into something worse than it already. Life is already complicated as it is, with those words she only ever dreamed of hearing falling from his lips. Complications such as these led to indecision. She was tongue-tied, more in disbelief than confusion. Because it couldn't be true. It could not be the case. Kudo Shinichi is definitely not in love with her.

Compulsion makes a person say things they do not mean. Obligation, even more so.

You have done your part, she wants to say. You do not need to take my heart, my soul than you already have. And yet not a word escapes her because while she indeed felt the guilt of Angel's tears seeping into her, she knew herself enough to know that she wants this. She wants him. She wants herself in his arms. She has always wanted her heart to soar this way even if another's is breaking into irreparable smithereens.

Trapped within his arms, staring deep into his turquoise orbs, feeling Kudo Shinichi's breath simultaneously exhaling with hers. Ireland and Japan used to be like worlds apart and yet, here he is. With her. in an apartment that had once been devoid of everything she considered home. He is there with her. Not Ran.

This is what love looks like.

She chooses not to acknowledge his confession, her inquisitive mind still questioning its reality. She is first and foremost, a scientist and so, she pointedly asks him a question.

The boy with the silver tongue does not respond with words.

In place of a much needed clarification all she can hear are his slight gasps of desperation. Before she realizes what is happening, his flushed face is hovering over hers, arms stretched strongly before her as he traps her small body against the wall, She feels the callouses in his fingers as he runs one on her jaw. He pins her there, on the wall of her own home. Too roughly for anybody's comfort. Too impetuous and uncalled-for for someone of his logical standards. For as long as she knows him, Kudo always did things with a reason. And today, with him caging her in his arms and not even giving any indication of letting her go, she idly questions what his motivation is. Even though the insistent voice within her rapidly fluttering heart already tells her so.

The manner of him imprisoning her should have been restricting. And yet with him being the only epitome of safety in her frazzled mind, this is not the case. The swirling emotions in his eyes drown her in an unmistakable sense of euphoria. Her body seems to have mistaken the adrenaline with something else. She would have readily named what it was, if for a moment she could stop her heart from screaming louder than her brain.

Because gone was the cold, Ireland rain drumming mercilessly outside. Gone were the sounds of TV blaring the opening sequence of her favorite TV show. It was only her and him, in an endless expanse of nothingness. And she forgets the guilt, she forgets the vision of weeping angels because all she can hear is her own voice telling her how much she wants this tunnel vision then closes in, and within her focused consciousness is the only one thing to behold with such attention. His lips… His lips… Oh God, his lips…

Between them now reins a rather quaint silence keeping them from what should be said after his words… And there is no doubt why because with the finality ensued by ultimately closing the gap; their lips are very much occupied.

The then hesitant feeble spark of a kiss between two attracted adults, subsequently conflagrates into the intimate gesture of a wildfire long since futilely contained. Unhinged desire finally takes over as Kudo decides to take liberties and softly slides his fingers up to cup her cheeks, with the other hand keeping busy by raking her hair in a way that oh!... just feels so right. So right! So warm! In which, oxymoronically, both are profusely shivering. How such an inconceivable paradox does conjure such great pleasure in her once-cold insides, she would never come to know. But she thinks, maybe this is really what love feels like.

What in the world took her to feel this for so long?

The tea she has been trying to prepare to calm her frazzled nerves, lays cold and hopelessly forgotten on the kitchen counter. Two bodies then tentatively brush against each other, searching for an angle that somehow made the hollow parts of their hearts full once again with the correct pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. The soothing quality of ginseng could not compete with the rightness, the perfection in which Kudo covers her body. Outside, the rain continues to fall. Inside, Miyano Shiho lets herself fall.

No words pass between them.

But they kiss and show it instead; especially once their mindless libido gets the better of them. And somehow, it speaks even louder than when Kudo screamed out his confession with his teenage sweetheart amidst the rumble of the rollercoaster engines exactly four years ago. Even the pounding of her heart underneath her false smile of congratulations couldn't come as close as to the deafness she is experiencing right now with his lips moving in sync with hers. This time, through this kiss they heard things better than when Ran did. Neither is really good with such kind of words. And as the traditional motto would have it, actions speak louder than words. And there are just some things that are better left unsaid. Unexplained.

He takes a deep breath when they finally break away, his breath coming in short gasps as he bites the place where her invading tongue lingered at the precise moment things deepened into ecstasy. This is what love feels like, neither of them say but heard clearer than any words. And they want more.

With his eyes he asks permission. And one by one, the buttons of her blouse comes off. One. Two. Three.

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ONE

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"Ran turns seventeen today by the way." He said as he slipped through her bedroom door with false casualness. Kudo Shinichi was a master of body language, borne from pretending to be a child for so long. His loose shoulders did not betray any of the tension his eyes was projecting. More than several times in the past five seconds did Kudo glace towards her suitcase.

She knew it was never his intention. Kudo, who is as dense as Osmium would never have known how much more resolve she got from hearing talk about his girlfriend.

Kudo, as expected, noticed none of the turmoil that had been boling around Shiho and so she took into making her half-filled travel suitcase as something infinitely more interesting to look at, meanwhile inwardly dreading the confrontation that was about to happen, only postponed by talking about something she was not so fond of hearing. Kudo was dense but he usually wasn't this dumb. Especially not now, since she should be leaving today. Now, indeed shouldn't be the time to be anything but the shrewd man he proved to be in their friendship.

"I'm thinking of taking her to Tropical Land this year, you know." He continued, appearing unaware of her severely cracking nonchalance— the fact that she was just inching from the impulse to just kick this guy out so that she could go through her little preparation in peace. Shiho sighed. Had she not known any better, she would have suspected that he was just testing her patience one last time. "It was a place where everything went wrong for us so I kind of want to make it the place where everything would go right. Like life's best irony. What do you think, Haibara?"

Irony. Hm. She had had enough of that in her life to be even capable of appreciating more.

"Romanticized." She grunted, feeling deservedly irritated and from that, not even sparing the torn detective the smallest of glances. Although he probably knew well that if she did, it was most likely a frosty glare that could freeze the most scorching of hell. "That is the plot of every rom-com movie ever made. I would have fancied you to be more original than primetime TV, Kudo-kun."

"Well…" he droned reluctantly in embarrassment, sheepishly scratching the nape of his neck. He did take Ran to the restaurant where his parents got engaged after all… He had no idea he was really that painfully corny. And it was not like Ran would mind. She was always the simple girl who wouldn't ask for more except his attention. "What? I am just asking for your advice. No need to be so stuck-up about it."

"Well, you have it. Hmmm." From his not-so-appreciated back-view of her auburn locks, he could almost imagine her frown while rolling her eyes. If indeed that was even possible. "Don't hang out with Hakuba too much. Hearing his over-romantic ideas, in no way alters your chances of getting under the pants of the detective agency girl. If anything, the fact that you remembered that she was getting older today alone guarantees a yes to your confession. Ooh la la. Along with some fangirling squeals from her friend and maybe a kiss at the end of the day. Knowing you, she probably thought you forgot once again… unless Holmes got some sort of a case that day."

She paused momentarily to let the in-joke sink in, recalling with amusement the day they had finally brought down the Organization when Kudo, in all his cross referencing brilliance failed to realize that he was a year older that exact same day. May 4th, to him is coincidentally the same date as the infamous Reichenbach Fall. So dazzled by this irony again that he didn't come to pause into being grateful of the birthday gift the heavens appeared to have bestowed upon him in his birthday. The fall of the Organization after all, was the best gift one could ever ask for. "You forget such things… Practically everybody's birthdays. And that reminds me…" She faced him this time, grinning crookedly at his flaming face. "… when is yours again?"

That never failed to get on his nerves.

How could he forget? When she got it a hobby to always remind him?

He groaned, stomping his feet with a defeated pout. "Don't get me started again Haibara." he muttered, arms crossed as he sulkily grumbled again at being owned. Two months back as Kudo Shinichi and he still hadn't lost his touch as Edogawa Conan. Two months of being unwillingly reverted into Miyano Shiho and she still was the old, she-devil who shamelessly fed on his bruised ego like some sort of incubus demon. Each day like this made it all the harder for Shiho to relinquish the hold of the inexplicable bond they had, to convince herself that she was no one to him. She was no one to him and yet with his goofy smile and that adorable way of him making her believe that she was special, he had always succeeded on making her forget that. Even for a little while. These playful banters and little arguments they had as a routine whenever they met, was indeed something she would definitely miss.

The way they made fun of each other's faults while wholeheartedly accepting them was the thing only the two of them shared. They got off at a rocky start, evolved into friendship and finally morphed into a partnership she valued so much that she was willing to die for it. She wished that her heart let it end that way.

Except that it did not. She was nothing compared to his angel. And now, it was all or nothing. She could not risk breaking her heart any further than it already was. She would be happy enough to see him happy. Sticking around for her wn despair to sink in was not something she could bear.

This, after all, is what happens when you love.

"When, Haibara?"

The sudden change in his tone startled her so much that she sharply stopped in her pointless fidgeting to turn and peer at him with curiosity. His voice. So perfectly emotionless that one would immediately come to regard it as fake, a bad parody of someone pretending it didn't matter. His face. That had just been graced by a sad, pensive frown before purposefully obliterating it through practiced nonchalance. His eyes. Which was supposed to be just a vibrant aquamarine but now slowly morphing into dark pools of disappointment, same as the pair that stared down at her while she was crying her heart out. Kudo, while not a very great liar was a great enough actor that had his skills on telling as little lies as possible through his mask, intentionally slipping on some of the truth through the façade of deceit. And yet, here he was with a countenance that was devoid of any form of emotion. She was glad to note that he wasn't so perfect after all.

Needlessly checking her passport, she smiled wistfully. "Tomorrow." she said in answer, not bothering to take note of his shocked reply to that, preferring to sort through what she probably would be treasuring like a baby from henceforth starting the next day. Her passport—check. Plane ticket—check. Files for the assumed identity— all accounted for. Oh! Life was never rewarding till these days. She would live in lies! Sarcasm intended. "Jodie-sensei would come to fetch me away for briefing through a private jet. We probably would be somewhere in the undergrounds of Europe within the day, considering how excited the head honchos are of getting their leashes on me. Although I believe that considering of how wary they are of my background as Sherry, I don't think I would be expecting any form of courtesy, if that is what you are worried about. But then…" She smirked, confident of the notion herself. "Letting someone with my brains is even more dangerous than trusting me to be their very own military dog. So I guess it is okay for everybody for as long as I am a good girl, eh?."

"Tch." He murmured. "Haibara? A good girl? Unlikely."

"Hm. I heard that." Shiho sing-songed back, sticking her tongue out in still a more dignified way, than say, Kudo would try. "But on the bright side, my evil tendencies would be contained because I won't be seeing someone getting murdered every day of my life and I get to elope with my lovely laboratory apparatus without worrying about dying messages and guilty suspects. At least I get to make something productive than cooking a growth pill for some vertically-challenged prince charming for once."

"Shut up."

"Eh? Hit a nerve?"

"Why do you have to leave anyway?"

This, at best made her rethink her courses. Why indeed? Assigning herself into an agreement with the offer to slavery once again into a more proper Organization of liars and killers was the last thing Akemi would have wanted for her younger sister. It was true. Being their so-called Head Forensics Scientist was no different than being Sherry. Being one with the law enforcement wasn't really that huge a change from being a criminal. You just switched sides. In the end, you still wield a gun that killed so that you won't be.

But at least, this time around, she got the chance to study death in order to save lives. The last time she entered the laboratory as Miyano Shiho, she was only there to experiment with death for humans to ultimately evade it, like the God and the devil once had. This, was the only way of retribution she could come up with. For, unlike the naïve Akemi had always wanted, her imouto would never be able to live the normal life until the time would come and she would just forget the past like it didn't exist. But for now, because she didn't, the burden of her damning knowledge of the ways of the chemical world was better eased if it was to be practiced.

Living as Haibara Ai for less than a year taught her to always look at the brighter side.

All of this, she honestly told Kudo.

She knew that he would listen.

"Besides, being just a low-earning, normal pharmacist Hakase would probably recommend me to be would be a boring life to me anyway." She lightly elaborated, taking joy at Kudo's blank stare. He always amused her. "Not gonna be able to buy my lovely fashion stuff if I just work freelance like Hakase. Geez… Now, that is going to be some life. "

Read: You couldn't stop me. It's my decision.

Not that he would. But headstrong as he was of keeping her there within the sight of the Shounen Tantei to keep them from whining, he probably would try at the very least. It was not like he would appreciate the compulsion to kiss her goodbye at the same day he probably would get a more intimate one from his sort-of-girlfriend anyway. For a moment of wallowing through her subconscious' delusion, Shiho felt slightly flattered of the attention she was getting from him through her leaving. That maybe, Kudo was well used enough of her anomaly as a remaining presence in his otherwise perfect life, to maybe care when she was finally gone. He did say once that they were friends….

…partners.

"Well, I believe we should just keep in touch then."

A pang of disappointment clouded her as the words of closure took her into surprise. But then again? What should she expect? She was no one to him. So as easily as that, he was letting her go…

He smiled though, never getting wind of her inner turmoil. What made today different? Even though today is… today is….

He didn't need to know that.

But maybe, it was only a matter of time….

"But Haibara? Would you still think of my little adventures as novel-worthy even when you're abroad..." He shifted from one foot to another, clearly uneasy of the spontaneous ramble. Kudo was a man whose every action has a purpose and Kudo always only did this when he had nothing else to say. It seemed like now was one of those times when she felt hopelessly lost. "I just thought of dropping by once in a while in there should I need someone to complain to. You know, during free time… I can call you so that we will be each other's screaming bag… if something like that actually exists… Well, this is awkward but…"

Read: I kind of, well… I'll miss you.

"Knowing you and Ran-san." She replied back with some regained good humor, grinning despite herself. "Free time is probably as frequent as you suggesting you go in a date in a music bazaar."

He laughed. Heartily. It struck her how he was so overly carefree around her these days. "Hey! Not much, I know. But at least it was something."

"No thanks."

A chuckle nonetheless, continuing to be as usual, undeterred. "But you'd be there when I have roadblocks right? I have them from time to time, you know? And you know too that you are the only person I can go to. Count out Hattori since he's too competitive. And he's in Osaka too. Kind of like my Watson eh?"

"Sorry. I'm not some worthless doctor apprentice to stick around after Reichenbach just because Mary Morstan conveniently dies. I have a life too."

"Haha Very funny." He rolled his eyes at the reference then with a startling swing, he suddenly drifted into utter seriousness. Stupid bipolar meitantei. "Do you really have to leave Haibara?"

Silence.

Unbearable. Until she breaks it after a moment of contemplation.

"You have Ran Kudo." She said with a deep, regretful sigh. Because it was true. And part of her resented it for being so. He didn't need her as much as she wanted to. "Don't tell me… you would rather go to me than to her. She was supposed to be the best friend right?"

End of conversation.

In which Kudo stared at her with wide eyes, abashed and as though with a hesitant dawning of an epiphany. The fact that yes, maybe he would really go to her when he was in need. Not Ran. Her. Shiho.

What was happening to him? He frowned.

"Today is Ran's birthday Kudo." She said in a quiet tone, eyes closed tight. Somberly ruminating. But Kudo knew her better than that. "I believe you ought to go now. The day doesn't last forever, you know that. Might as well just give her a present that you know she would love."

"Well, I just wanted to bid you goodbye and good luck."

"Thanks. Hm." Thrift words that told him she sort of appreciated it.

With his hands floating by the door and his eyes still on her, this was the first time Shiho ever saw Kudo with so much uncertainty,

And he said. "You know, I kind of lied when I said that it all went wrong in Tropical Land."

Maybe he wasn't so dense.

"After all, I would not have met you otherwise."

Today was her birthday too. And he gave her the gift of him, being just another human being with a resolve that could actually fade over time and circumstances. He wasn't as perfect as a knight to his Angel after all.

But he didn't need to know that.

.

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Twenty

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.

Questions bubble within the immediate periphery and Shiho asks herself: does he deserve to really?

Whether he does is inherently debatable. He never really asked so in consequential logic, she was never obliged to tell. But then again, in the most unanticipated manners, he gave her gifts that both didn't realized was needed. She never realized she may have wanted it all her life. Even that other irony in her roundabout life was only a flashing epiphany recently, making itself known only with a bang at the door and a harried love confession. But maybe, that was what made Kudo Shinichi tick to her: the fact that he could complete her without even knowing it.

He was here now. Ireland. Away from Ran. With Shiho. And with connected lips and embracing bodies, Shiho thinks with a start that indeed, Kudo Shinichi goes to her as often as instinct would tell him to. It was like he had nowhere else to go because the truth was that he had everywhere else, Kudo chose her only as a first impulse, putting her higher than everyone else, in the department of the perfect confidante. Why was that, Shiho did only wonder why. Later, she comes to know that Kudo himself abhorred breaking a routine that he had come to be used to and in the few months that they had been together, Shiho, to him had become one.

Shrewdly, this may only mean she completes him as much as he fills her. May 4th of four years ago, she remembers Kudo indirectly telling her this: how he was glad she was there with them, fighting for each other's freedom. And later thanking her for her presence, as if he couldn't have done it on his own.

She needs him just as much too. But maybe he already knows that.

So as Kudo slowly lifts her heavily aroused body into his and unceremoniously throws her onto the bed, Shiho momentarily forces herself to forget the harsh reality of their relationship. This affair. Where another soul is to be burned in her own hell as their passion ignites into a blazing inferno. Despite this, Shiho finds Dutch courage on helping him rid of his already damp shirt and with uncharacteristic determination, tosses it aside as she desperately catches his lips through hers. She wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him closer but not to battle for domination. Instead, with a pretty synchronization, their lips danced against each other, like a choreographed match of Capoeira. So beautiful. So pleasant. And somehow, even if this is only the first time they are doing this, kissing Kudo is like kissing someone who knows just what to do to please you. And he does a good job with it.

With pleasurable abandon, she pointedly ignores his insistent tugs on her still fully-clothed self, each pinch to the fabric getting more restless by every passing second. Instead, their tongues continue its aesthetic wrestling, their feather touches burning but still provokes a current of sparks that makes one tremble in mindless anticipation and another, in a desire he never knew he was thirsting to quench. It is hot. Oh so hot. And yet, like another of life's own unfunny paradox, they seek each other's warmth like a lifeline, with so much urgency that even these two most headstrong people, get to dwell into the kind of recklessness neither is known to possess.

Think twice, the voice of reason tells them. But barely a few seconds transpire and the voice goes blatantly ignored as she is quickly stripped down into merely a tank top, his deft fingers clutching on the hem that prevents her skin from breathing the first euphoric whiffs of air. His pleading eyes regard her with hat she could identify as something close to the desperation she is feeling, so much wanting. So much… love. And it hurts. Oh! It hurts. the now existent and persistent throb between her legs worsens into the unbearable and Shiho has no choice but to let him. Draws him closer to ease the pain. Kissing him fiercely if only to forget things, everything. Even for a moment. His grip tightens like she knew it would and the first sensation of the cold air slapping her exposed chests is like the feeling of sliding off an abhorrent second skin. She feels like a snake. A sinful, conniving snake. And yet it feels so good, having him like this. What about Ran? She would have asked. But he doesn't seem to think it matters for now.

His breath is warm against her, coming in short palpitations as he tentatively leans closer to the valley between her breasts, turquoise orbs asking again for permission. With a stiff nod, she waits. Her toes curl. He kisses.

And without any more ado, he takes one mound by the mouth.

She gasps.

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TWO

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.

"Surprise." He grinned jovially, meanwhile animatedly presenting herself on her doorway like having him appear here so suddenly and unannounced was an acceptably normal thing to see. Even his overall manner contrasted his greeting, as he was staring at her so expectantly as though implying that she should have expected this. In retrospect, he did tell her that he would find time to crash in her place. But so soon? And why today… of all days.

Today was her birthday.

Today was Ran's too.

But he didn't need to know that, didn't he?

"Kudo!" she exclaimed.. Irritation flared in her aquiline features as with barely a cordial invitation in return, Kudo Shinichi chose to storm past her towards the inside of her apartment, not bothering to extend even the courtesy of pulling his shoes off as was the Japanese custom, which was in itself was unusual. Whatever the reason was, he was already deep inside what had been her safe haven in the past few months as only the normal, Chemical Biology student, Anita Hailey. She found him cozying on the loveseat with his feet set on the table. Indeed, he was the picture of a comfortable ex-boyfriend. Uncharacteristically, Shiho found herself flushing at the thought.

What was with Kudo and his elements of surprise?

No longer stalling to play the fool in this reunion, Shiho sluggishly followed the detective inside, morosely grumbling deliberately about people not valuing another's privacy as it was due. Finding him lazing around her living room was a bit discomfiting but there was nothing to stop her from confronting him straight to the point. Because she was always the blunt one, right?

"And here I am thinking Paris is a better place for the lovers to celebrate a joint birthday and anniversary." she threw at him meaningfully, conveniently forgetting to offer him a courtesy she thought he lacked and didn't deserve anyway. "Dublin isn't a very picturesque place to be at this time of year so I don't see why you chose to crash in my place when you could have had a nice French kiss in the Louvre instead. Hm. I wonder…"

She let the sentence trail off. Partly for her own benefit. He didn't know right?

Today was her birthday.

But he wouldn't know that right?

"… why exactly are you here?"

"Romanticized." He smirked back in return, aiming to her the same derisive words of sarcasm she shot back exactly a year ago, when he was as deluded as the next giggling teenager. Somehow, quoting her was a good way to catch her off guard since she froze, her words stolen from her. There was the sense of normalcy as she watched him wait for her retort, like it was something that they inevitably would resort to when stuck together in the same room. The atmosphere hung over heavily as both waited. Her, for some sort of confirmation that she heard it right. And him, for a repartee to put things back into motion. Later, as she came to think more of it, she would come to realize how he probably thought more of her over the entire year than he hung out with the Shakespeare-wannabe Hakuba. Her dark humour and sang froid attitude actually rubbed on him when she was already gone? How ironic.

As if to further put her deductions into a conclusion, Kudo helpfully pointed out, with a shrug. "And besides, Hakuba is in France. Didn't you say before that I should socialize less with him?"

"Oh." She chortled, eyes rolling. He made it sound like she obligated him to do so. "I am touched to have such a big influence in your life. Who do you think am I? Your mother?"

"Hm. Well you did say it like a parting word."

"And you're heeding me? Wow." She sighed. "Touching."

"I was without a choice." He shrugged, motioning her for the seat facing him, as though she was the visitor and he was some accommodating host from a dating club. Seriously? If he didn't have that deadpanned countenance painted all over his face that screamed Edogawa Conan, she would have thought twice and be understandably wary that this may just be Kaitou Kid in disguise. "Your wonderful words of wisdom do that." A scoff. This was Kudo indeed. "Speaking of which…"

"Surprise. Surprise." She interrupted, quoting him this time; while audibly groaning at what she rightfully guessed was coming. From Kudo's confident smile, she knew she would be encountering another presumably, baffling enough murder case again. The first one in a year. "Hm. What made Kudo fly all the way to Ireland with such lame excuses, just to ask me to be some stupid sidekick Watson-style and help? Very typical for you huh! ."

"Hey!" he protested indignantly sulking and pouting over her somehow spot-on hunch. Kudo never adored the prospect of being read accurately. Unfortunately for him, however, he was not the only smartass in the room. He sighed. "It was only a matter of convenience, you know. There is some promising evidence here in Ireland and you are here. So I could as well use some help"

"Wow." She said again for the second time in three minutes, putting all her abhorrence of idiosyncrasy down the drain. But at least, it didn't make her any less sophisticated. "That is so like you. Abandoning your girlfriend in her birthday in order to prioritize a case." She then made a horrified face. Another's would have come off as something constipated. But she could act way better than say… even Kudo could. "Or is it that you forgot? From what I hear, it certainly wouldn't be the first time. Well, Kudo-kun. That is so inconsiderate, even for you."

"I am sorry to disappoint you but for your information, I didn't." He looked offended, glaring at her with icy, sharp daggers that somehow didn't impale her in any way. The smirk that she didn't realized she had, widened even further. "Ran is with me. As we speak, she is in Jodie-sensei's, watching some chick flick I would never understand. And yes, while you're at it, we are planning to go to that fancy… French restaurant downtown and celebrate her eighteenth year." A dismissive shrug. "But since she was still too distracted by Starling to notice I am gone, I might as well use the time to delve in further to the case."

A wink. Conspiratorial. But perhaps that was unintentional, considering that Kudo was as dense as the ocean floor in sensitive matters as these. "You coming?"

And after much convincing from his part (and the part of her who wanted to just shut the hell up and go with him), she did.

In the end, the hunt turned to the road of so much excitement and thrill that both young adults conveniently forgot about Ran's birthday and the French diner and that they should know better to think the girl from the Detective Agency, the Angel and Kudo's girlfriend wouldn't mind.

And Shiho, much to her own horror, found herself not reminding him.

Dinner with him at an Asian restaurant, the two of them chatting amiably about the old days and it was all she could ask for.

Today was her birthday too.

But he didn't need to know that.

.

.

Twenty-One

.

.

Just this one day of every year, he uncannily (unintentionally?) makes her the happiest she has ever been in her life, filling in a hole in her heart that she never knew to have forced its way in her existence, when all that was her main purpose in living ceased to be her sole responsibility. This, she supposes, is what true love feels like: the condiments of a recipe to make it better. Once upon a time when love to her was just a matter of convenience, she had an older sister to protect and loving Gin had been easy through this obligation. Kissing him was to appease his murderous urges. Fucking him was to assuage the doubts he may have had for either of the sisters' loyalty. Either way, this "love" didn't work. In the end, there was only death. Akemi was killed. Gin got what he deserved. Shiho was left alone. That was what her love for her sister felt like.

Loving Edogawa Conan, on the other hand, had been the only source of solace in her life of sorrow (her alias was a pun for a reason after all) — the fact that he could make her love anything at all in the first place soothed her into the tranquility she desperately needed, putting her into the bliss that her sister had always wished for her to enjoy. Ah! The joys of loving someone like Akemi's Moroboshi Dai. Unrequited as it was, it had been more than enough. Selfless love of this kind, to her was a pleasant break, a kind of attraction and contentment so different from the parasitic mutualism she used to have with Gin, like the pleasure of quietly appreciating an artist who didn't expect an avid audience. Loving Kudo whilst stuck on the one side was at best what she could suffice. In no way was Haibara Ai a delusional woman and as shrewd as she was from all the unthinkable things she had gone through, she knew when to stop to indulge on a futile fantasy. This, she thought was what her hopeless love was supposed to feel like.

Moving on without him had been relatively easy until he had just made it known that he couldn't let her. When that unspoken hesitation from his part really started, she couldn't tell. Kudo never did. And she herself had been content with their tacit friendship in the past few years to give it even a fleeting thought. And yet today promises more than she is ready to take, a surge of overwhelming current she doubted she could swim and wade through. She is afraid. She was no stranger to that particular kind of emotion, true. Pausing at every step taken was something she was overly used to as Sherry. But there was bound to be something disconcerting when used to hearing the prospect of having mortal danger torment you for the rest of your days, this time around she actually found herself fearing the engulfing sea of contentment, that too much of this… presumptuously good thing might do her.

She is afraid.

But he doesn't need to know that.

It hurts. Oh! It hurts! Like the pain of the heat attempting to consume you but never quite doing so. Like the throb of having something unfulfilled. Like the suffocation of holding one's breathing for far too long. And this thing… this thing they call love… nothing else ever felt as good. Kudo drags the flow of time by moving through the motions, painting her skin with his tongue \His lips on her torso, he resumes on playing with the lock of her pants, meanwhile innocently stroking the hurting flesh beneath. Euphoria falls short on describing how she feels by now. The wait… the pain… her trembling… his lips… his lips… it's all too much. Breathlessly, she moans his name… his name, over and over again. To Kudo, tone-deaf as he is, nothing else ever sounded as musical.

This is what love sounds like.

His fingers play with her body buttons like a piano prodigy would, knowing exactly which to push to emulate the sound he desired in order to create a masterpiece for a composition of love, going through her music like it was what he did all his life. Like it this is what he waited to do. Like it was the only thing he ever did. Suddenly, her once ample pants become tighter in her shivering hips, closing in her lower frame and thus worsening the pain between her legs as it is and yet, as Kudo grips it downward, it only slides easily away as one would wash a nuisance. She probably unconsciously helped. Cold air slaps her exposed thighs. In relief, Shiho finally sighs.

The sight of her creamy, toned legs earns a grunt from Kudo, his breath coming now in shorter gasps as he vainly struggles to keep control of his manly instincts, putting the carnal instruction of just fucking her brains out in favor of the more tantalizing prospect of making love. It wouldn't last long though. It couldn't. He leans his chin on her bare stomach, blue eyes boring into hers, as though trying to make sense of the things she makes him do.

She thinks that like the clichéd events unfolding in the lives of fictional characters written by talentless writers resembling hers, she the Reformed One is bound to rub in some of her bad influence to an otherwise perfect Gary Stu. When that happens, they say you know something in your accursed life is wrong.

Little does she know, that Kudo only blames Love alone. And like what they say during the Renaissance— reputedly the time for all the smartypants to gather in a single city— it conquers all.

There it is again! That look begging for permission. This wordless plea drives Shiho to swallow her reservations and just wrap her arms around his head, eyes closed in concentration at the dangerous throbbing in her middle. He exhales heavily at the equally silent grant and the warmth of his breath against her navel forces her to match his pace: his steadily quickening breaths.

Deliberately. Agonizingly. Slowly. All of her clothes are rendered forgotten on the floor. His eyes are closed as he fondles her. And Shiho finds herself achingly glad that it is so.

His hands fleets down the throbbing flesh and in desperation for more, she cries out his name, her insides shivering and her words an incomprehensible jumble of begging and desire. She can almost feel him smirk against her… her! — as he daintily presses his lips on her dripping core. Within the arousing intervals of his adventurous tongue sliding through and fro, she manages to croak out a "Please!" and "Kudo" as the torturous cycle of thrusting continues. She needs him. She needs his so badly it hurt. Gritting her teeth in frustration, she begs once more. This so far, is one of the moments, she is glad that he is too busy to witness the dazed look on her face.

He kisses her… her. And she finally surrenders into her first undoing of the night, muscles clenching at the intense climax she hadn't had in years. Kudo, eagerly laps out every excreted juice, eager to take her essence in and raising himself upwards, looking forward to giving her the pleasure of tasting herself.

She is sweet.

This, he concludes, is probably what love tastes like.

.

.

THREE

.

Rainy season is not Shiho's favorite time of the year for she has learned to regard each drop from the weeping skies a bad omen of sorts. The pitter-patter taps of the falling water on the pavement sounds to her like a prelude to an elegy she wouldn't want to hear. It didn't help at all that the prankster God decided it was funny to have her be born in such months where precipitation was so abundant. Ireland was always cold, unappealing, insignificant and many other less flattering adjectives, during her birthday. It was invariably raining. Just like in her life.

But rainbows do come, a bow of colors promising a pot of gold at the end of the storm, if one, indeed could only wait. When she received a birthday postcard from Kudo in coincidentally the exact same day as she should be twenty-one, she didn't know what to feel. The popular Rainbow Coaster in Tropical Land stared at her from the packaged card, the eyes engraved at the head of the caterpillar-esque structure glaring at her languidly like it could see through the frown she was sporting at the unexpected gift. Confusedly, she blinked at Kudo's (somehow carefully?) scribbled words, noting on the back of her mind that for such an impetuous, no-nonsense, inartistic guy, Kudo got quite a neat penmanship. He even used that fancy glitter pen she had had as Haibara Ai! Stupid detective probably didn't have the time to buy his own (Later, she would find out that he, of all people spent a lot of time rummaging around her old stuff. What it meant, was a worthy subject of debate though).

At another time, Shiho would have wondered whether even with the destroyed Organization files (or the absolute fact that only she and Akemi ever knew when precisely was she officially a year older), Kudo was aware of her birth date. But the more rational side of her insisted that like the self-proclaimed good friend that he was, he only remembered to send her one (for a win-win situation perhaps?) just as like the good boyfriend that he was trying to be, he would buy his Angel a present.

The following handwritten message confirmed it: I don't really know when you celebrate yours, depicted the innocent looking Tropical Land souvenir. Shiho was at the very least appreciative of the fact that at least this one could cause him quite a snip of his fortune. But since I am buying one for Ran, I decided to send you this so… you know, to take my chances at saving myself from your people-to-kill list.

A smiley. Shiho never took Kudo to be one who dwelt in the social networking lingo. How old are you by the way? the postcard resumed, amidst the increasing fluttering of her gut that she deemed to be wise to ignore. Last time I asked, you were eighty-four but maybe the Antidote got some rejuvenating qualities? Or maybe you are less the grumpy granny now. Eh? Haibara? Any younger nowadays?

Funny, how the shipping lines in here was terribly on time. Probably the only good thing in this dismal, boring… rainy place.

Kudo never knew when it was but he sure was lucky.

Scanning through the postscript, she caught sight of a phone number and an email-address, along with the reminder that oi oi, Haibara, maybe it's about time we really keep in touch! In the place where the signature should be, was only a doodle of some bloke with a cowlick, proving that while he really took it into heart not to hang around the dramatically poetic Hakuba Saguru, Kudo it seems, was compensating the company of the Scotland Yard consultant through spending some excess time with the flamboyant, wannabe-Picasso, everybody's-dream-boy Kaitou Kid.

She smiled.

Through this almost unrecognizable scrawl of a chibi Conan that was Kudo's idea of another inside joke, Shiho reveled at the idea that the meitantei didn't fare better as an artist as he never was an expert with her own feelings. Unknowingly, the smile persisted into view. Today was her birthday.

She hadn't done that for some time now. Smiling truthfully to herself, that was. But he didn't need to know that, didn't he?

In retrospect, it should not be a big surprise henceforth when they started to exchange more messages regularly. For after all, what was the promise of keeping in touch, without being so?

She never noticed but Kudo would call her once a day. That was until, it ceased being anything related to a murder case. She didn't care actually. But once again, he didn't need to know that.

.

.

TWENTY-TWO

.

.

She begs. Oh how she breathlessly pleads, her harsh panting calling out to whatever that is that dominates her sanity at the moment, and calling for the release she desperately needs now that it's on her reach. Tears leaking from her shut eyes— his kisses hot and wet against her sweat-soaked skin that makes her no less susceptible to succumb in this wiles of addiction than the next whore. She rakes her fingers through his soft, silky raven hair, combing through the tresses as she thrashed her head back in sheer pleasure and her legs instinctively clamp at his preoccupied head. He tastes her, tongue swirling in and out and testing what brings this blissful reaction from her moans. Carefully. Audaciously even. And oh.. it feels so good! Drenched in sweat and her limp body collapsing underneath him, she makes it again into the second climax of her birthday night, the sweet liquid generously shooting itself into his awaiting mouth.

They are no stranger to this, she knows. Both of them had already experienced their way into the ups and downs of a long term relationship. What is commitment, indeed, without any form of intimacy? She herself was taken for the first time in the backseat of Gin's Porsche, with enough of his foresight to actually put a towel underneath them! (Gin was such a neat freak). Consummating in their sick relationship in such a cramped space was nowhere near enjoyable as what the fantastical old single mothers wanted to depict in a cheap erotica novel, where the virgin girl meets the sex god and it is going to be oh-so-romantic. That ordeal was something she would prefer to stack away in the back recesses of her less-frequented memory lane, along with everything that embodied her life as Sherry. While Gin, to her relief didn't turn out to be one who practiced sadomasochistic fucking, he was anything but the ideal lover. That night, she never got to meet the demands for her own orgasm. Gin did it to work only on his own release and not pleasure her by any means. The only bright side on that night was that yes, she finally lost it. Chastity was of no use to her as Sherry. Pretending to love Gin had been much easier after that.

Kudo, on the other hand, seems to be experienced enough in giving her what Gin failed the first time and later futilely tried to. His touches were gentle, as if wary of hurting her. But the commencement of his ministrations is teasing, like he knows this is what she herself wants. Reservations are to be violated as the apprehension for the impending pain is to be wiped away by the prospect of seeing heaven in just a single thrust. As dense as the man was, she could clearly tell that Kudo was aiming for that in all his current leashing of his own twitching desire. How could she have expected that loving Kudo is like doing it the first time all over again? Sex to her had had always hurt, like the heaviness exuded by those burdened by duty— for what had she been any different than a streetwalker? But here he was, telling her to forget that it ever did. Telling her to leave the life she had behind as Sherry in favor of the brighter and tangible present as his lover.

Closing her legs from him is purely instinct from her part, for she felt herself blushing at being the subject of his intent attention. But she doesn't miss the slight crack fissuring on his otherwise contented countenance, where lurking underneath is only worry that she… that she… that she will run away once again.

He couldn't let that.

He kisses her, passionately, with more love relayed than the last. Oh! How she hates him more for making her do things she should not. How she hates him for making what she deemed wrong feel right. What about Ran, her ignored rational side asks. How she hates him for making her not care. Without her better judgment, her legs wound around his hips, guiding him… him towards her aching entrance.

"Please." She desperately croaks, for the umpteenth time. "Please Kudo-kun."

She needs him. She needs him so badly it hurt.

Good thing, Kudo doesn't need dirty talk like Gin to have her wish be his command.

Seeing the burning desire for him in her heavily clouded eyes, hearing it through the erratic gasps, feeling it in her rapidly beating heart, tasting it in her eager lips and finally smelling it in her moist skin— all of his senses telling him this is sufficient to find it in himself to… momentarily hesitate.

Even with her whimpering beneath her, he hesitates!

Shiho is shit-scared now.

"Don't run away again." He murmurs against her ear, much to her own surprise. These, as far as she is concerned are his first words since his confession. The words that only matter in any case. The thing they call love. Such an enigma. "Shiho…"

The way he said her name was tentative. But it is the sweetest sound of all nonetheless.

And so her hand carefully leads him inside her, letting go the moment she is certain he knows exactly where they stand.

Never in his life did Kudo Shinichi felt more certain though. That indeed, all he wants is to be with this woman. The thing they call love. The love he now can call Shiho.

"I love you." He says those words again and starts to move.

.

.

FOUR

.

.

"Ai-kun!" greeted the ever boisterous Agasa-hakase, his frame plumper than when she saw him last but no older in demeanor than a man his age should behave. Skipping through what must be hundreds of his usual gadgetry in disarray around his abode, it was apparent that her leaving had taken a toll in Hakase. Shiho scrunched her nose distastefully at the remembrance that in her care, this house at least had been presentable and nowhere near this pile of… dump.

The man staggered towards her and enveloped her in a bone-crushing embrace that despite the unwelcomed intimacy, Shiho couldn't help but smile fondly at. "You came!" the exuberant continuation of Hakase's greeting to his (as he remarked once) 'long-lost daughter', was supplied immediately as he insisted on not letting go. Shiho's ice-breaking coughing made him snap out of his senses though. She had no idea a old gentleman such as him could blush this much.

She placed a kiss on his cheek, causing him to have his face flush more, much to her amusement. "Kudo's engagement is an event that is not to be missed." She said in her usual, monotone, no-nonsense voice. Indeed, a great contrast to the affection she let herself display just a second ago. Agasa, noticing this pouted at that for as much as the man appeared to be an overenthusiastic airhead, the acclaimed Professor and at the same time, the father she never had, could be uncannily perceptive at times.

Her loving Kudo was never the biggest secret.

But she wasn't one to sound bitter. It was true Kudo and she had gotten very close as regular e-mail pals over the last year but that was as far as it could go. Being given false hopes as nothing more than a bestfriend wasn't exactly her idea of an excuse to be a potential home-wrecker. Even so, she was only here because he requested it and had even trusted her enough to let her in the surprise (not that she, mind you, didn't expect him to let her in. Kudo confided to her in more ways than this inevitability after all. Although it was true that the news of his proposal only came out after she guessed it herself). And Jodie-san was coming too for The Angel's birthday party. She was twenty-one now and everyone made a big fuss of it like it was a big deal.

Shiho was turning twenty-two now as well. But no one needed to know that. Nobody got far into asking her anyway. Even though in the end, bothering to was a sign that, at least they cared.

Oh, and about Kudo's upcoming surpisesurprise engagement: "Sure took him long enough." she smirked at the older man, knowing that this comment would be taken the way she wanted to. Hakase was always delighted when someone made a fool out of the almost perfect, Kami-like Kudo-kun. "What did he do? Slack around and pretend the Shounen Tantei do it for him?" More like stare at the computer screen for your messages actually, a teasing, remorseless voice at the back of her mind derisively whispered. Shiho tried her best to ignore it but to no avail. Somehow, it sounded perfectly reasonable. But perhaps that was only wishful thinking.

"Shh.." hushed Agasa mock-conspiratorially, throwing her a dramatically scolding look. She decided that the stern face didn't suit him at all. "Nobody is supposed to know until the big day. Ran-kun's birthday is still a week away but Shinichi-kun is pressured enough as it is. As we speak, Yukiko-kun is dragging him around Beika's goldsmiths to find the perfect ring!"

Hm. Shiho frowned. It almost sounded like… "Seems to me like the whole of Kudo family is pretty much involved in this whole affair." She commented dryly, herself not keen on her words. If their correspondence over the year had been an indication actually, it was a surprise in itself that Kudo decided to propose. From what she could tell, Kudo wasn't ready yet for such commitments. His guilt of not always being there as the perfect boyfriend for Ran because of his 'obligation' as a detective was a major factor to count— something that was always an inherent problem to their relationship. What difference would it make when they were actually married by name? Unless something drastically changed in Kudo's detective mindset this month, Shiho wouldn't have any way of suspecting it? What changed? "I suppose…" she voiced out her none-too-innocent supposition. For what set of parents could ever be this… traditional? "… his parents are really in haste of getting rid of him eh?"

Agasa had a strange look on his face. Shiho knew enough though, not to attempt to decipher it further.

"The Kudos got together when they were only nineteen." Hakase explained almost glumly, as though that answers the exact questions that was rebelliously going around her subconscious. He shrugged. But she knew he was getting serious now. "I admit that they are rather too anxious to be pressuring Shinichi-kun about this. Shinichi-kun is a bit too young… to commit himself this way. He needs a lot of time to make sense of the mystery he has in itself." Now he gave her a pointed look. "And I don't think marrying Ran-kun can provide that."

Read: I hope he is not making a mistake.

"Everyone is always too young for you Hakase. Just because you are some old geezer who wants to turn back time doesn't mean everyone else would want to." She smiled lightly, sinking into another comforting banter that would keep her mind off things. Kudo's lovelife ought to be the last thing she needed to fret about. She shot this back with a taunting smirk: "And what about you? You're what? Fifty-six? And still haven't gotten around sweeping Fusae-san over her feet? What? Fifty-six for you is too young to be able to make sense of yourself for matrimony eh?"

He laughed. And laughed more for the rest of the reunion as they caught on the good old times and those she missed. In between those, Hakase had graciously pointed out how his Ai-kun had really gotten more ravishingly beautiful in adulthood, the promise from her childhood cuteness fulfilled through the stunning woman before him now. She spat back that this was just the unnecessary confirmation that he was really getting older for him not to see that sooner. "I mean.." she said slyly. "… doesn't everyone know that?"

Wasn't that the only thing most people ever knew about her? Was what she actually wanted to point out.

"Looking good tonight eh, Haibara?" welcomed Kudo a week later at Ran's birthday party, held on the top floors of the newly-reconstructed Beika Convention Center— apparently, the once time-bombed skyscraper as Kudo recounted. Shiho couldn't help that despite the sentimental significance of the place to the couple, this venue seemed to be too impersonal, too impractical, too extravagant for the simplistic, housewife-value Ran to actually prefer. It almost was as if… She purportedly let the treacherous thought trail off.

Meanwhile, Kudo was staring at her with a slight flush on his cheeks. Already out of his perilous teenage years and yet it seemed like his hormones were surfacing back with a vengeance. Shiho's brow quirked amusedly at the compliment he didn't bother to disguise.

Today was her birthday too.

But he didn't need to know that.

That night, someone died— Kami, why must that happen everytime she meet up with Kudo?— and as they joined forces together to unravel the knots of this particular whodunit challenge, Shiho couldn't shake the feeling amidst Kudo's persistent tugging of her arm— not Ran's!— that he was as glad for this otherworldly interruption as Shiho secretly was.

Needless to say, no couple was engaged that night.

Today was Ran's birthday.

And yet Kudo didn't act like it was.

It made Shiho angry, as Kudo sat beside her for the rest of the night in the rooftop with him telling her how he was no longer sure of his future with Ran as he once was. He was supposed to love her? if so, why would he willingly do things that ultimately signified it wasn't destined to be so?

In all her anger though and his hold of unknowing, it was also that night that Shinichi and Shiho shared their first kiss.

When the next day she left without a word, Kudo knew. Oh he knew! Smiling despite the huge sense of loss that was mercilessly burrowing itself inside his heart, he consoled himself to the point that at the very least, he knew precisely what to say once they meet again.

.

.

TWENTY-THREE

.

.

Their hips meet into completion and they ring their throaty screams of ecstasy as each thrust brought new, unleashed sensations coursing in more places than one. One year since their soft, tacit kiss of confession and this is what happens. Deeper than ever, their lower bodies hold unto each other as each push and shove pull them into the verges of limit, dragging them almost painfully to an addictive euphoria that was virtually nonexistent until the time their bodies finally merged into a single entity.

She screams his name, chanting it like a mantra in between her unconquerable lust. At the strenuous but pleasurable exertion, he barely can manage to murmur. But neither cease to be music in their ears. "Oh God.. I love you." He makes it up to breathe these words in between ecstatic groans and exhausting efforts. There are those three words again. Said in the heat of the moment, nothing else sounds more real. This honesty from his part makes her forget her lack thereof. She loves him too, as much as she is willing to deny that to herself for the rest of her life. The thought sends her quickly to the edge of her intense undoing. Shiho comes fast and hard as he himself follows through his first orgasm of the night with a few riding thrusts.

White spots projects itself in her sightline as the release continues to flow. From her blurry vision, she spies on Kudo staring at her with an equally dazed gaze, arms trembling before him as he stretched it upwards to hold his weight. Smiling, she makes a mental note to thank Kudo for his consideration.

Not wanting to crush her with his weight, Kudo sluggishly and reluctantly makes a move to get off her but is stopped when pale, slender legs snake its way around his hips, pulling him down again to her newly renewed desire. She whispers something that makes his deflating length throb back into life, happily reverting again into the tent she made it into. "More…" she gasped out, closing the gap once again.

He is exhausted, yes. But he is also more than happy to oblige.

This is what love feels like.

She smiles contentedly. Today is her twenty third birthday.

And for the first time in five years, she tells him that.

.

.

FIVE

.

"I love you." He told her the moment she opened the door, her regard of him an unsurprised stance as if he was expected. He was. In any case, this she determined, was what the Kudo she knew was most likely to do. And it was not like she didn't see it coming from literally four dimensions away. Having Hakase be such a big tattletale to her had its quirks, knowing just in time when Kudo started to settle things with Ran. How The Angel herself didn't seem to think this closure came out of nowhere, because deep inside, she knew. She knew, that once upon a time there had been a silly, good-looking, smart-ass douchebag who dreamt of marrying her once. But the man who had come back in his place was no longer this highschool detective that was so full of himself he almost appeared flawlessly perfect in another's biased perception. Kudo Shinichi had grown up and as dense as he still was, there were several things that had changed as he was unceremoniously plunged into the harsh reality that life wasn't entirely one where the prince and princess get together and it was all happily ever after.

Ran, somehow understood.

Shiho led him inside and let him pin her against the wall. Yes she would let him. Because this was what she herself wanted.

"Don't run away again please…" he told her, face hovering over her lips. "I love you, you know."

She gazed at his endless pit of aquamarine orbs and saw the truth in there. She waited for him to lean down.

Today was her birthday.

But does he really need to know that?

.

.

(END)