Blood Moon

A/N: So I took home a prize at the Non-Canon Awards a few months back! I won 'Best Crack Fic'. Tell me that's not super awesome and amazing! (Note the lack of a question mark. Rhetorical question!) I never won a fanfic award before! Other rad authors won in other categories, so congratulations to all! ^_^ You are all the best. Thanks to everyone who voted for me, and most especially thanks to whomever nominated me!

I am adding some flavor to this fic. There are a few new characters showing up in the next few chapters, little mini-tributes to other authors I admire! Hope you enjoy! (I've also given up on apologizing from being super late with updates. I just don't know how to keep a schedule.)

Isabella

What the fuck was I doing? I ran away from home with a self proclaimed Vampire Warlord. I was letting one of his Vampire subordinates babysit me like I were a toddler, while my Warlord Man-Friend or whatever he was, did whatever the fuck he was doing with Maria. They better not be doing what Charlotte and Pete like to do when they get alone. Gross. And also, how dare he? I doubted it, but... I was nervous. Anxious, was more like it. My emotions were getting to me. I was sweating profusely, even though I could feel the ice cold air from the AC on my skin. Charlotte had left Peter in the infirmary. She insisted, stating that 'The Major told me to watch her. I will not disobey a direct order.' What's the big deal? It's not like Jasper didn't trust Peter with me. So we left him bitching and moaning about the pain and went to go find some food for the human. Shouldn't be too hard in the basement Old West town. I doubted there was an In n Out anywhere near by. California has some good fast food, let me tell you. For the most part, the Vampires in general didn't seem to be interested in me. There would be an occasional glance, but for the most part no one paid me any mind. I thought I was supposed to smell fucking delicious? And then it happened. As if they could read my mind like Edward.

"Oh god, can you smell her?" A high pitched crackling voice questioned.
"She would totes be worth the dismemberment, just for a taste." She cooed. I could almost feel them drooling on me, it was disgusting. How could someone talk about drinking blood and make it sound so sexual and filthy? I was going to be gross like them one day soon. Oh gosh. I am getting nauseous. Drinking blood is so nasty.

"Just ignore them, Sug. I don't need the Major around to know they are burning green with envy and jealousy. They were there when we came in, and saw you two together." Charlotte spoke plainly, not even trying to whisper. I had to laugh, the idea of anyone being jealous of me seemed so ridiculous. Especially over a guy. Surely, they could get their own?

"She'll probably die during the transformation anyway, then all that tasty blood will go to waste." Charlotte stopped walking then and we both turned towards the two female Vampires who were being such twats. They wanted me to hear this shit, if they didn't I wouldn't have heard a damn thing. Catty bitches were everywhere I guess. Not something exclusive only to humans.

"I can assure you The Major has a high success rate. No need to worry about her blood, though it was thoughtful of you to think of such a thing, Nicole was it?" Garrett came up and stood with me and Charlotte. He was holding a cute black cat in his arms, who eyed Charlotte warily. I guess it took time for a cat to like a Vampire. They sure liked Garrett though, nuzzling him for pets and shit. I wonder where he even got a cat around here. This place was underground and Vampires don't seem like the pet keeping type. I looked up from the cat to Garrett's usually handsome face. His face now he was not the friendly joker I had come to know the past few weeks. His face was contorted, angry, and he looked fearsome as fuck.

"What's it to you, Nomad? You think you can just clean yourself up a bit, and you can still speak to me as if you belong here? It's still appallingly obvious from your lack of manners that you do not." I swear she just pursed her lips and turned her nose up at Garrett. What an absolute twat. You would think by the way she was talking that she was the one in charge around here, not Maria. Garrett just laughed in her face, jostling the cat with his booming laugh.

"Now listen to me here, Pot. You know how it works when a Vampire brings a human back to change them. Insulting the human is the same as insulting the Vampire, would you like to insult Major Whitlock? I think you lot still refer to him as the 'God of War'." This time the two female Vampires starting laughing, like Garrett just told them the punchline to the worlds funniest joke.

"Nomads are always so gullible!" The loudmouth one he called Nicole said between her high pitched witches wail.

"Yeah, everyone knows that's just a story Maria started to keep other armies at bay when her It's not even a popular one anymore." The two of them continued to cackle together. The cat in Garrett's arms started growling and hissing at the two female Vampires, pawing the air towards them with claws extended.

"Woah there, little kitty." Garrett tried soothing the cat as growled and jumped from his arms to the ground. I wondered if a cat's claws could harm a Vampire. Probably not. That didn't stop me from envisioning the cat scratching their eyes out. That was until the air around the cat started crackling, becoming distorted and fuzzy. The air grew out and what seemed like no time at all there was a naked woman where the cat once sat. A fucking cat transformed into a woman. Has this all been one really weird dream? I'm going to wake up at any moment and be back in Arizona, with the sun shining in my face. I'll hate it, the sun waking me up. I shook myself from my thoughts and back to the 'what in the fuck' was happening before my very human eyes. Charlotte had moved in front of me, crouching low. I had to lean around her to see. She was still taller than me, even crouched.

The woman formerly known as the black cat, was tall. I couldn't say how tall, she didn't tower over Garrett but she did tower over the other two Vampires. She had really long wavy black hair, which I was thankful for as she was completely naked. I saw her butt and the swell of some breast before Garrett moved up behind her and gripped her upper arms to keep her from flying at them, thankfully obscuring my view of the nude cat lady. They were arguing at volumes I couldn't hear. That was no fun for me. I whispered to Charlotte,

"Char? What are they saying?"

"Stuff The Major probably wouldn't want you to hear right now." She gave me a wry smile.

"So lame. Who is the Cat Lady?" I asked instead, maybe that was something I was allowed to know.

"I thought she was just a nice kitty." Garrett said to me over his shoulder, still keeping a firm grip on the mystery woman. Something about his saucy grin and the waggle of his brow made me think he was talking about two things at once.

"She wasn't here when we were here last." Was all Charlotte would say. Would no one ever tell me anything? I grumped about it.

"I don't know why he's bothering holding her back, he should let her kick their stupid ass faces." I was getting worked up from all the drama, and just basically the last few weeks being a non-stop adventure were starting to get to me. I also get bitchy when I'm hungry, but who doesn't? Those Snickers commercials hit the nail on the head with that one!

"That's not why he's holding her back. Garrett isn't as much as a gentlemen as he pretends to be when he's around you." Her voice was laced with mirth. Garrett had the hots for the Cat Lady. Good to know. I kind of had been thinking him and Peter had a thing going on but I guess that was just a bromance that spans the centuries, so they argue like a married couple because they've known each other for decades.

"This is pointless. Ex Tempore Silento!" The raven haired nudist exclaimed, waving her hand in front of herself, towards the two bitchy vamps. Nicole started opening her mouth wide and shaking her arms wildly, but no sound came out. By then we had garnered quite a crowd, and at this there were cheers from many, a few booing from others. I guess they weren't as popular as they were trying to portray. Surprising. The two women ran off, probably to pass notes back and forth since they could no longer talk. She turned around then, and I had to avert my eyes. I wasn't about to stare at a naked person.

"Garrett, would you be a gentlemen and loan me your shirt?" Her green eyes were sparkling with mischief. Green eyes? Was she not a Vampire?

"I, uh. Yeah, sure." He ripped his shirt off before he even finished stumbling through his words. This was pretty cute, I wish Peter was here for it. I'd be sure to let him know about later. Watching him and Garrett fight and argue is a great source of entertainment. Before she pulled his shirt over her head, she winked towards me and Charlotte. I wasn't sure who she was intending the wink for. If Garrett had seen I was pretty damn sure he would be jealous. He was obviously smitten. I couldn't help but wonder why Peter wasn't here yet, enjoying Garrett's awkward fumbling with us.

She ran a hand down his chest, black stiletto nails gliding along his skin and I swear I could hear her purr from here, "Thank you, Garrett." She left then, leaving Garrett standing there all baffled and befuddled. Stopping in front of Charlotte and me still behind her, she spoke again, "If anyone bothers you again, tell them I'll claw their eyes out." She giggled, making a clawing motion with her hand. "My name is Freyja. I hope we will be able to talk more later, under better circumstances." She grinned then, a magical twinkle lighting up her eyes from within. "That goes for all of the Whitlocks, of course." She nodded to Charlotte. "I have heard many stories of your ilk, I would love to meet everyone." Then she was gone, walking with purposeful strides the same direction the two vampbitches went. Garrett watched her walk away with dazed eyes.

"What a woman..." Me and Charlotte started laughing.

"There's my little woman!" Peter called out cheerfully, jogging up to us and embracing Charlotte in a hug and then swinging her around in a circle. She laughed and pretended like he was embarrassing her, but she kissed him back anyway. They were so adorable.

"Awww. I don't know what's cuter, Peter with Charlotte, or Garrett making moony eyes at Freyja." That got their attention. They both asked 'What' at the exact same time.

"Garrett was making moon pies?" Peter asked tearing himself away from Charlotte's mouth much to her annoyance, sounding awfully jealous. I could almost hear him saying, 'without me?' but I think that was my imagination.

"And they were the best moon pies ever." I was suddenly reminded that I was hungry, talking about food usually did it for me. "Actually there were no moon pies, so I'm still starving. Where's the food?"

"What the hell was she talking about then?" Peter grumbled to himself, as Garrett took my arm.

"Allow me to lead the way, little lady." Garrett drawled in an awful southern accent. "I put Mr. Pricky in your room for you. I mean, the stuffed cactus, not Peter."

"Ha-ha, ya fucking douche." Peter drawled.

"There you are, my lady. The Grand Hotel is that building there." Garrett stopped across from The Grand Hotel on the wood planked street that made up the sidewalk. I appreciated the touch, it looked really cool. Right next to the hotel was a brothel.

"Woah, woah, woah. The Grand Hotel? The Oriental? Let me guess, there's an O.K. Corral somewhere around here too, isn't there?!" Peter clapped excitedly... And off he went. I saw a blur pass by me and then heard a shout from a short distance away. "Yahoooooo!"

"Peter just found out that this particular base of Maria's is Tombstone themed." Garrett commented, amusement lighting his voice.

"She has more than one?" I asked, looking around. I guess I was missing the references, it looked like any other old western town to me.

"Sure, when you're hiding from the self imposed Vampire Government, it helps to be overly cautious."

"Garrett!" Charlotte hissed at him.

"What? She'd find out eventually." He shrugged as we walked up the Hotel's steps.

"She, is right here, you know." I rolled my eyes. Vampires totally don't even notice they're doing it anymore.

"You sure are, sweet pea." Garrett grinned, ruffling my hair up with his hand.

"Garrett! Back again so soon? And you brought Charlotte! I haven't seen you in too long, my friend." She embraced Charlotte and they made an elaborate show of kissing each others cheeks. "And this enchanting human must be Isabella, you must be famished, anything you want is on the house!" Well it was unexpected to have a Vampire offer me food. I always had to keep reminding everyone.

"Bella." I replied automatically. I found through out my life that it was best to nip that in the bud right away or they would assume you didn't have a preference after all.

"Bella it is then." She smiled warmly at me and it was then that I allowed myself to take in her appearance. She was dressed as if she was straight out of the Wild West. Her dark brown hair was done up in an elaborate up do I couldn't even begin to explain. There were braids and peacock feathers. It was very Scarlett O'Hara and I loved it. Her dress was a dark turquoise satin, the bodice, neck line, cuffs and hem were all embroidered with a fine black lace.

"Wow, you guys really go for the authentic feel around here." Peter exclaimed, entering behind us and wrapping a spare arm around Char.

"I was just thinking the same thing, her dress is so cool!" I gushed, "I feel like I'm on vacation. Except it's not hot as fuck and this place has AC."

"Why I'll be a monkey's uncle! Nana!" Peter squeezed in between me and Charlotte to get to her, embracing her in a firm hug. "I have thought about you often over the years, you know." This was a sensitive side to Peter I hadn't realized he were capable of. "Have you been here this whole time?" He sounded almost regretful.

"I've thought of the three of you often over the years as well. I left not too long after Jasper left. There was no point in staying around on a sinking ship, although I suppose she did just fine without us." She smiled then, a very toothy grin showing off fangs. Something that was stereotypical of Vampires to have, but I have found that real vampires, do not. "I actually went in search of my sisters, to see if they were still living." Peter rose a skeptical brow at this,

"You were with Maria long before Jas and I ended up with her." It was a statement, not a question. He was trying to kindly say they were probably dead, since they were with Maria for around a century themselves.

"Peter, we have much to catch up on. For now, we should feed Bella. Shall we take a seat in the dining hall?" A polite Vampire – with fangs, who noticed the human in the room. I liked Nana already.

"Yes please! I'm starving. I could eat an entire cow. Maybe. Probably not." I shrugged, I remembered too late about the last time I said I was hungry enough to eat a horse. Peter got me a Horse. Then he went on and on about how I was looking a gift horse in the mouth when I refused to eat it. It was funny, but Peter could be real annoying sometimes.

She led the way into the dining hall, and it was beautiful. All of the tables had wihte lacy tablecloths on them. The chairs were all carved out of wood, high backs and deep red cushioned seats. There were two windows in the room, with curtains much like the tablecloths, but without the white cloth backing it. The windows didn't let in much light at all, so it was a good thing there was a lot of light from the mini chandeliers hanging over each table. I plopped down at an empty table, in a chair near the window. I liked to people watch while I eat. I've noticed that Vampires were pretty grossed out by human food in general, the smell, the texture, the way it looks half chewed in my mouth when they keep trying to bring me into the conversation...

"I'll stay with Bella, while you two catch up. The Major told me to watch her, and I can't help but take him seriously when we are in a place like this." Charlotte spoke, sitting down next to me and picking up a menu and handing it to me. I wasn't sure exactly what Charlotte meant by 'A place like this.'

"In time you will realize that this is not the same place you left behind. That Maria, has changed. The Southern Vampire Wars, those days are over." Nana squeezed Charlotte's shoulder comfortingly. Char in turn smiled back up at her, her first real smile since we got here.

"Thanks Nana. Does Jasper know you're here?"

"He does not, I will see him later I suppose. When he is not so busy regaining his reign over The South." With that her and Peter left, talking quietly about whatever.

"How long has it been since you and Peter were here?" I asked quietly, while looking over the menu.

"Pretty close to a full century, give or take a few years. We didn't really have calendars back then. We got out around 1880, came back for Jasper after the turn of the century. I couldn't say when we got there, I was abducted from my farmhouse a few months after America became a country." I just realized something. These Vampires were fucking old. I focused on my menu then. Some of the food on here looked like something Vampires thought up because they thought it looked good. I specifically meant the steak, cooked rare, with a gummy bear puree on it. What the fuck? I skimmed past a few other weird items, like the Ice Cream Milkshake, made with real melted Ice Cream. This looks like something Vampires haven't tinkered with, build your own sub sandwich. When I decided what I wanted, Charlotte waved down a waiter for me. I placed my order and asked if they had chips or french fries or something to go with it. Nope. Of course they didn't. I could really go for some Doritos...

Staring out of the window, I saw Freyja and Garrett talking with Peter and Nana. I wondered what they were talking about. I was getting really nosy. It didn't help that it always seemed like they were keeping secrets from me. That only made my curiosity worse. Garrett put his arm around Freyja, who was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a black T-Shirt with something on it, I couldn't make it out from here. Garrett ended up on the floor, with Freyja's combat booted foot on his chest. I couldn't help but laugh.

"He was suggesting he didn't need his own lodging. He could stay with Freyja. She didn't take kindly to the insinuation, as you can see." Charlotte filled in the pieces I was missing without Vampire hearing.

"Something tells me Garrett isn't as smooth as he thinks he is." I concluded, thanking the waiter when my food arrived. At least this place had fast service. While I ate, Charlotte told me funny stories about Peter and Garrett. I finally got the whole boat story!

"Garrett claims to have thrown the first crate of tea into the Boston Harbor, I can't tell you if that's true or not but I can tell you he did try his best to recreate that event in the Gulf of Mexico. Maria and Jasper had just left to retrieve more recruits. We had just taken over a new territory and we needed to train reinforcements to cover those we had lost. Garrett came by for a visit, as he often did over the years. He was never a member of Maria's army, but Garrett was drawn to war, as those of us who were born into it are. He helped out for a time, but he had the leisure of leaving. Maria barely tolerated his presence, but Nana adored Garrett, so that canceled that out. Anyway, so Garrett comes running up to camp and tells Peter he had stolen a pirate ship. So they get all excited about it and tear off into the desert towards the ocean. By the time I caught up to them they were already climbing the main sail and swinging around on ropes like idiots. I'm not sure exactly how they managed it, I stayed on shore because Garrett did not have a good track record with boats. They were under deck rummaging through boxes, and I hear Garrett screaming about tea. The next thing I know, they are leaping from the boat as it explodes."

"Can tea explode?" I asked, reaching for my water and drinking some of it.

"The tea was loose in the boxes, and the boxes were filled with explosives. It was an honest mistake." Garrett said, sliding into the chair next to me. Absent of his earlier companions. "It probably wouldn't have exploded if me and Peter weren't smoking the ship captain's cigars." He shrugged. "That was a damn fine boat, too. I wanted to make it my home."

"Maria was so pissed when she got back. Peter blamed it all on you so he got out of any punishment. The whole time she was yelling at us for being friends with such an irresponsible idiot, Jasper kept sending us waves of amusement, envy, longing, he felt left out. Try keeping a straight face when Maria's screaming in your face and threatening to remove limbs, Garrett. While Jasper is manipulating your emotions and making you want to laugh. It's torture." She didn't really seem like it was torture though, she was smiling the whole time she talked.

"So that's why Maria seemed especially interested in my re-telling of the Texan Tea Party." Garrett mused to himself.

"You totally tattled on Peter decades later! You're such a dick!" I snorted, it was just too funny.

"Oh like that would be the first time. Or last time." Charlotte giggled. "Those three, Peter, Jasper and Garrett, are constantly pulling pranks on each other over the years. Jasper's time with Emmett only made his pranks against the other two more creative. Emmett is a master at the decade long prank."

"I better start preemptively thinking of a way to get Peter back for the prank he most certainly will be performing against me in the future." Garrett rubbed his bearded chin.

"You are all ridiculous." I was finished with my food and ready to see Jasper again. I had this annoying tugging sensation and I just knew somehow I would feel better if I were around him. Maybe he could use his magical power to ease it or something. I stood up and announced that I was going to take a nap.

A few minutes later I was snuggled into my bed cuddling Mr. Pricky. Nothing could compare to this.

Note: So like, I only got to introduce a few characters this time. I thought I could write all of this in one chapter but it needed to be chopped into two chapters. The only one who should be painfully obvious as a write in, is me. Next chapter should make things more obvious, I hope.