Chapter One: Shadowed

He sat at his kitchen table, staring at the bottle of sleeping pills, wondering.

"If these are supposed to help me sleep, how many does is take to…kill me?"

They had probably meant well when they told him to try the pills. But they didn't know him. They didn't realize just how much the Kira case had taken out of him. He used to be so naïve. That had all changed the day they won. And also lost. They knew Kira was really Light Yagami. And Matsuda…had lost it. He had completely lost it, and he had shot Light. He had shot the son of the man he had looked up to as a father.

"I'll kill him! I'll kill him! He has to die!"

"I said that. I think. I don't know anymore. I shot him. I shot Light..."

Matsuda broke off midsentence, staring at the pills again.

In the days that followed the end of the case, they had all been in shock. Mogi, Aizawa, Ide, and the others had all been affected by it. Only that boy…Near…had seemed all right. He was a kid, and they were police officers, and somehow he was the only one not affected.

Matsuda had spent days in his apartment, not letting anyone in. Not even when Aizawa threatened to break the door down. He didn't eat. Didn't sleep. But then something drove him to live again. Someone. A girl whose father was dead. The girl whose brother he had shot. Sayu Yagami. He went to the Yagami's house, just to see Sayu and her mother, Sachiko Yagami. To see what he had done to them.

Not surprisingly, Sayu barely responded when he came in. She hadn't spoken since she was kidnapped by Mello, more than a year ago. She was still in a wheelchair.

Sachiko was devastated by Light's death, but she welcomed Matsuda in. And that was when he realized. They didn't know. Aizawa must not have told them.

He never wanted to go back to that house. He didn't want to talk about Light, and pretend he hadn't killed him. But something kept drawing him back. Sayu. Something about that girl brought him back to the Yagami residence almost every day. She rarely came out of her room, so he went to her. She never spoke, but he told her everything. How everyone else seemed to be okay, and he was still depressed. It had been a year and a half. He was almost twenty-seven now, and it seemed like he should be moving on.

"Moving on…to a place where no one can be hurt anymore…and, more important, where I can't hurt anyone…"

He picked up the bottle, staring at it. He stared at that bottle of pills that would let him sleep…or kill him…and then his cell phone rang.

Matsuda jumped guiltily. He glanced down at the phone. The caller ID read Sachiko Yagami.

"Could something have happened to Sayu? Oh, please don't let her be hurt!"

"Hello?" Matsuda asked, "Mrs. Yagami? Is Sayu…?"

"She's talking, Matsuda!" Sachiko cried.

"What?"

"She's talking and she's asking for you! Are you working?"

"N-no, I'll come right now," Matsuda stammered. The man ended the call, and then stood up to head for the door. As he reached for the handle, someone knocked. Matsuda opened the door, and found himself facing Aizawa.

"Hey, Aizawa," Matsuda said cheerfully, "What are you doing here?"

"I just came to check on you," Aizawa replied. The older man frowned.

"Matsuda, what are you doing with those sleeping pills in the middle of the day?"

Matsuda suddenly realized that he was still holding the bottle of pills.

"Err…um…"

"Were you trying to kill yourself again?" Aizawa demanded angrily, "Matsuda, you should know…"

"Actually, I was going to see Sayu Yagami. I guess I grabbed the bottle of pills by mistake."

"All right," Aizawa said, wanting to believe that Matsuda had just accidentally grabbed the pills, even though he doubted it. "I'll drive you over. We can talk on the way. I haven't seen you in a while."

"Okay, Aizawa. You don't have to do that, though. I can drive myself."

The older man ignored him, and Matsuda had no option but to silently follow Aizawa to his car.

The drive to the Yagami's house was completely silent. Matsuda kept expecting Aizawa to confront him about the sleeping pills, but the other man seemed completely focused on his driving.

When they arrived at the place, Matsuda got out of the car. He looked questioningly at Aizawa, who shrugged.

"Go on. I'll leave the window down so I can hear what she says to you."

She…that meant Sachiko. Matsuda hadn't told Aizawa that Sayu had spoken. He had to be sure. He had to see it for himself.

The young man walked slowly to the door. Before knocking, he paused.

"What if I've come here for nothing? What if Sayu isn't really…?"

But he had to know. So he knocked. When Sachiko answered the door, Matsuda knew immediately that he had done the right thing to come immediately.

"She wants to see you," Sachiko said simply, "Go to her, Matsuda."

Matsuda didn't need to be told twice. He raced up the stairs and into Sayu's room. She was sitting by the window, still in her wheelchair, but as he came to her, turned her wheelchair round to face him, she smiled. And then she spoke, in a hesitant, quiet voice.

"Matsuda! You…came!"

It was some hours later when Matsuda rejoined Aizawa in the car.

"I guess you were telling the truth," Aizawa said, "Sorry."

"It's okay," Matsuda said, "To tell you the truth, I was thinking about taking the pills. All of the pills."

"What stopped you?" Aizawa asked, "If I were you, a knock on the door wouldn't have stopped me from taking them. Last time I tried, Yumi showed up, so..."

"You…tried to…kill yourself?" Matsuda asked. He was shocked that the seemingly invincible Aizawa would have even thought about such a thing.

"I think everyone involved in the investigation has," Aizawa said grimly, "Mogi, Ide…Misa Amane actually did it… But, Matsuda, you've always been the one who didn't care."

"You always would have shouted at me before," Matsuda replied.

"True. The Kira case…changed us all, didn't it? Especially you."

"You can tell?"

"You barely leave your apartment, except to visit the Yagami girl. I've seen you before when you're depressed and haven't slept in days. You've hit another rough spot."

"Yeah. I keep thinking about him."

"Kira?"

"His name was Light, Aizawa!" Matsuda yelled suddenly. "He wasn't just a suspect! He was our leader's son! Our dead leader's son! I shot him, Aizawa! I probably killed him!"

Matsuda buried his head in his hands, shaking.

"Matsuda…"

"Stop the car," Matsuda sobbed.

"What?"

"Stop the car, Aizawa!" Matsuda yelled.

Shocked by his friend's sudden outburst, Aizawa pulled over, hoping he could reason with Matsuda. Before he could speak, the younger man was out of the car and running down the street.

"Matsuda! Get back here! Matsuda!"

I don't think this is very good...but my sister claims it is amazing, so...here... We'll see where this goes. :) Please review with sugar on top, you'll make me happy! :)