So, here it is: the fourth and final part to the not discontinued Unadulterated Loathing series that I started what I just realized was almost 3 years ago. I wouldn't have done that to you guys. Believe me, I know how undeniably disappointing it is to have something discontinued on you. Without giving too much away, I would like to say that I'm happy with all of the decisions I've made and have been making on how this one is going to go. I'm also happy that I've waited this long. I finally have the time I need to devote to this and give you all the story you deserve.

WARNING: if you've wandered into this without reading the previous three fics, you MIGHT be able to read this and get it. You're going to get a completely different story than what I'm intending without reading the previous three. I do think you should go back and read the other ones because it will definitely be easier to follow certain things. Or if you have read the other three and want to go back and refresh, I'm going back and uploading edited versions. UL is already finished.

So, without further ado, here's Part 4: It Came On Fast

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.

Whenever I go to sleep, I see her and it's just too much. I know I sound ridiculous and pathetic. I sound like one of those girls that I would think was way too melodramatic and that should just grow up.

But I am grown up. I'm as tall as I'm ever going to be, I'm not a virgin and my heart and my head are in the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. I feel like I've cried myself to the point of dehydration.

While I'll admit that in the last month and a half, things have gotten progressively better. Everything still hurts. Yes, everything.

I seriously thought that movies were absurd. Why on earth were women lying in bed, whining and consuming tubs of ice cream? I get it. There's nothing else to do. After a while you give up trying to call or message anymore. She isn't answering so perhaps it's just space and time that she needs, right? Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Unfortunately, that couldn't be more true. I still love her. I love her just as much, if not more than before.

I haven't given up complete hope. I can't.

I've been doing really well. I haven't cried in two days. The last time I slept. It was so vivid, I can still feel it. She was so close and she felt so good.

"I'm sorry I left, beautiful."

"But you're back," I say with hopeful, teary eyes.

"I'm back," she smiles and kisses me so gently with her perfect lips that I've missed so much.

Her hand slips into my shirt and my muscles contract. I inhale sharply and I can smell her hair and her skin.God, she's intoxicating. It's been so long. Too long.

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too, babe," her lips move to that spot behind my ear that turns my insides out and pulls out my want. "Let me show you how much," she whispers, then kisses down my jaw line, up to my lips, then gingerly down my throat, pulling down my shirt to kiss my chest.

My head nods without my permission.I shouldn't forgive her this easily.But her lips burn through my resolve and before I know it neither of us are clothed and her head is between my legs.

It's like she was never gone.Her tongue knows exactly where to go, just how much to push, when to pull with her lips.Her fingers tease circles around my entrance, knowing how much I like it even though I whine telling her I want her inside of me.I feel her laugh into me.Somehow, it switches me from on to incredibly on, so when her fingers slide into me the moan that escapes my throat comes from somewhere deep within me.Her fingers curl, finding that spot she's always been able to find and suddenly I can't control anything.My mouth says whatever it wants, my hands grab at whatever they can. I'm pushing her into me, not caring if she can breathe.I'm so close.

So close.

"Fuck!"

She's still not here.

When did I fall asleep? Excellent. I have to restart my no crying count and clean up a mess. There are actually stains on her body pillow from my tears. You'd think I'd stop lying here with it considering it's just another reminder of how much this hurts.

So is looking at my phone and seeing no messages from her.

Since it's suddenly day time, I call Kurt like I have every day since camp ended:

"Hey," I can hear him smiling.

"Hi," I sigh unable to mask the fact that I've been crying.

"You had the dream again..."

"I just want it to go away! Why won't it stop?" How can I possibly have anything left in my eyes?

I hear him sigh into the receiver and I know he's going to say something I'm going to hate. "Because you don't want it to go away."

"Yes I do!" I shout into the phone. I'm not a masochist. "You think I like waking up being painfully aroused by a dream about my girlfriend going down on me?"

"She isn't your girlfr-"

"We didn't break up! The words 'I'm breaking up with you' never came out of her mouth," now I'm pretty much screaming at him. I don't know why.

"Rachel, she didn't say anythingto you! Her father told you what happened and you haven't seen or heard from them since! You aren't together anymore," he's been trying to convince me of this for weeks.

"She's going to come back," I say softly through the painful pressure in my throat.

"And that's why that dream won't stop. As long as you think she's just going to show up at your door one day on her knees begging for your forgiveness, that dream isn't going anywhere," he sounds so hopeless. I can't tell if it's for me or for my wish. It's probably both. "You should get out of bed," his voice is more certain this time.

"I know. I planned on it. I have to pee," I laugh a little. Just a little.

"Oh good, you're consuming liquids," Kurt knows very well that I'm eating. It's very little, but I'm eating nonetheless.

"And other things," I roll my eyes as I sit up and turn myself so that my feet are planted on the floor.

"Mhm," he hums not fully convinced, "You should come out with Mercedes and me today. We're going to the mall and then probably a movie."

"Can't you guys come here?" I ask knowing exactly what he's going to say to me.

"You need to get out of your house!"

I knew that was coming.

"I know," I answer, straightening out my legs so that I'm standing.

"I'll call you in a couple of hours okay, hun?" Kurt says with his appreciated concerned best friend tone.

"Promise?" I ask knowing full well that he's going to say:

"Promise," he says through an audible smile, "Later, Rach."

"Later."

The bathroom is so far away from my bed.

Wait, did I really just think that? What is wrong with me? My bathroom is right across the hall! It's twelve steps away from my bed! Just get up and go, then go downstairs and eat something. Then come back up, shower, get dressed and go out with your friends that love you and want you to be happy.

It seems so easy.

It is easy.

Before I even know it I'm in the hallway making my way to the stairs. I stop as soon as I hear Daddy's voice, though.

"And you? How are you doing?" his voice is low, but loud enough so that I can hear him without having to sneak down the stairs, "And the new hospital is good?"

Oh my god! He's talking to Cris! I can't breathe. Oxygen and my lungs are not getting along at the moment.

"She's... she'll be okay. She's always been strong... I know, but there's nothing we can do for them besides be there."

They're talking about us. Us.

When did I start crying?

"Talk to you soon... okay... bye, Cris."

He was talking to her father, about us. He must have asked about her! Aaaauugh! If only I'd gotten my act together a minute sooner! I would have heard! It only would have been one side, but at least I would have been able to ascertain how she was doing through the tone in Daddy's voice.

I'm going downstairs. I will ask Daddy about Santana and he's going to tell me.

Okay, here I go... down the stairs... right now...

Except that I can't.

What if she's doing really well? Like, she's going out and sleeping with other people because they don't make her think of things she doesn't want to think about.

No. That's dumb. She wouldn't tell her father that.

That doesn't mean that isn't what she's doing, though.

Oh, shut up!

You are Rachel Barbara Berry. No one but you defines you. Daddy is absolutely correct: You are strong.

Tomorrow you're going to go to school and march in there like nothing is wrong. Because nothing is wrong.

And today you're going to the mall with your friends because nothing is wrong.

And right now, you're going to go downstairs and have breakfast with your father because that's what you do when nothing is wrong. Then you're going to nonchalantly ask him who he was talking to and try as hard as you can not to lose it if he tells you the truth.

Just go downstairs.

Finally, I'm listening to myself and my legs are taking me down to the kitchen.

Daddy's sitting at the island reading the newspaper.

"Good morning, Daddy," I actually smile as I walk towards the refrigerator.

He swings around quickly on the stool and smiles big at me, "Now that I'm seeing my babygirl's beautiful face, it is a good morning."

"Daddy," I look at the floor and shake my head.

"What? I can't tell you you're beautiful anymore?" he scoffs at me and I can't stop the foolish giggle that comes out of my throat.

"Of course you can-"

"Good! Because that's part of my job as Dad Number One," he winks at me and I giggle again.

"I don't think Papa would appreciate being Dad Number Two," I smirk at him, then turn back into the fridge to take out the soy milk.

"I know honey, that's why we don't tell him," he smiles, "I made some 'not eggs' if you want some."

"I would love some," I smile at him again but this time feel this awful tug at my throat. I don't know where this is coming from. It was swallowed at the top of the stairs. His phone is on the counter. I turn around and catch him watching me. The smile on his face disappears as soon as he sees that mine has completely washed away and left behind the expression he's been seeing for far too long now.

"Babygirl-"

"How is she?"

"Rachel-"

"You were talking to Cris. I know you asked him. How is she? Please, Daddy! I'm going to see her tomorrow. I need to be prepared!" it sounds ridiculous, but it's far too true.

My eyes are closed tight attempting to keep these tears locked in their ducts and I hear him take a deep breath through his nose, then expel it back out the way it came in.

"He said she's still barely speaking to him, but her sentences have gotten longer," he says slowly. I can't help but feel like he's trying to spare me from something.

"Is that all he said?" I choke out through the lump in my throat.

"And..." he exhales heavily.

"And what?" my eyes shoot open, anticipation causing my heart to begin thumping violently against my chest.

"And she's been talking to Brittany... and Quinn-"

"WHAT?" my eyes open wide and after I form the 't' sound, my mouth pops back open in what I'm sure is an unbecoming look of shock.

I stopped asking them about her a few weeks ago. She hadn't even been speaking to them.

I wish knowing that she had shut out everyone made me feel better.

It doesn't, by the way.

"I guess one day they just showed up and held an intervention or something," Daddy says with puzzled, furrowed eyebrows.

Of course they did that. I'm sure it was all Brittany's idea. She really is a lot smarter than she let's people give her credit for.

"That's all he told me, though. I didn't want to pry too much, you know? He's hurting, too," he reminds me.

"I know, Daddy..."

"I can't even imagine how he feels..."

"I don't want to imagine how she feels..." I exhale heavily as I do exactly what I just said I didn't want, because I wish I knew. I wish she stayed to tell me. I wish I could be there to hold her while she cried, because I know she did. I would have been there for her, because she needed me.

But she left.

She left to be alone and deal with it all on her own.

Now I need to talk to Brittany and Quinn.

"Think you're ready for school tomorrow?" Daddy pops into my bubble of thought. I have this weird feeling he had said something before that, but I wasn't present for it.

"Um, I could use a few things," I say hoping that's what he meant.

"I didn't mean material-wise," his eyes hone in on me and I know I have to answer. This is what we do in the Berry home. We talk about what we're feeling.

I bite down on my lip and take my time with answering. I know I'm not going to escape answering, but I should at least sit down.

"I kind of have to be," I settle on saying, because it's true.

"I know," he breathes out in this half sigh, half laugh, "School will be good for you. It'll be distracting. There's a lot of stuff to concentrate on. Mostly college." He gives me another wink and a smile.

"I think I have classes with her," of course that's all I can think about.

"But you didn't last year," he says probably thinking that justifies us not having any together this year.

But alas, "They finally realized how smart she is and Miss Pillsbury convinced her to take AP classes."

"Yeah, but-"

"English and History," I confirm what he was going to retort.

"There aren't more than one of each?" he winces, stabbing in the dark.

"Daddy, there are like, a hundred-fifty kids in our class. No, there aren't more than one of each," I sigh. At least I'm not crying about it.

I'm not crying about it because I'm happy about it. I'll see her. It's going to be murderous, but I'm going to be able to see her nonetheless. It actually makes going to school that much better... and worse. So maybe I am a little masochistic. Oh well.

"It'll be fine, babygirl," he assures me. He doesn't know that he doesn't have to.

"I know, Daddy," suddenly I'm in the mood to tell him that I actually have plans for the day, "Hey! Kurt invited me to go to the mall and a movie with him and Mercedes."

"I hope you were nicer this time when you told him 'no,'" he playfully scolds me.

After giving him my 'I can't believe you just said that to me' scowl, I answer, "Actually, I said 'yes.' Well, I haven't yet, but I'm going."

"Oh thank god! I thought I was going to have to throw you out of here!" Daddy jokes. I know he wouldn't have done that. Both he and Papa have been really great and supportive for nearly two months.

I roll my eyes at him for good measure, though and bring my dish to the sink. "I'm going to go shower and get ready. Can we um... hang out before I go?" I ask a little awkwardly because I haven't done that in a long time. Just hang out with my Dads.

"Of course, babygirl," he smiles and kisses my forehead.

"I love you," I don't fight my urge throw my arms around him and as soon as my face hits his chest, I melt right into him. He smells like safety. I know that safety isn't something that carries an odor, but when I breathe in, that's how I feel: safe.

"I love you, too, babygirl," I feel his chin land softly on my head, "I love you, too."

I know, super angsty and depressing. I'm also hoping that you were surprised... actually, I'm sure you were. No regrets. I'm doing my best at writing this. Just know that I want to get this out here for all of you. I'm still not sure if I was actually ready to post this since chapter 3 isn't finished yet, but it's my birthday and I figured I'd give out a gift like retailers have sales. Haha. I can't wait to hear from you all, attention whore and all.