Moments with Master

Part 1: Crack: The Final Frontier

Disclaimer: I'm laughing because I don't own Star Trek and you should all be happy about that or it would look like this.

Warning: Um…master/slave relationship, implied abuse, slash stuff. Slight crack at times.

The crack/humor portion of tonight's entertainment. These are moments between Kirk and Khan involving their awkward relationship, but more funny than anything else. The timeline is…kinda wonky. Some of it can be considered taking place during Sweet Dreams, while other portions come after.

Kirk making puns off of Khan's name:

"Sir, there's a…situation."

"What kind of situation?"

"It's your pet…"

"Kirk?"

"He keeps making really bad puns out of your name. I think something is wrong with him."

Khan sighed, rubbing his forehead. He knew this would happen one day.

"Khan I help you with that?" He heard Kirk say nearby. Sticking his head out of his office door, he noticed his pet grinning and pointing toward the worker he was speaking to, thumbs up. "Ayyyyyyy." He added with a wink.

"Um…no thanks..?" the servant replied, looking past him at Khan with a confused expression. Khan shook his head and the worker scurried away.

Kirk turned to continue going down the hall and nearly bumped into his master. "Oh hey! Khan I ask you a question?" Khan groaned in reply. "Khan you do the khan-khan? Well, khan you?" Kirk wriggled his eyebrows and grinned at him.

"I realize you may have been subjected to a rather damaging amount of torture recently, but this is no way to deal with it, Kirk."

"I khan't hear you, what did you say? Khan you repeat it, please?"

"Kirk."

"Funny name, Khan." Kirk replied, then experimented with different ways of saying his master's name. "Khan, Khaaaaan, Khhhan, Khhhhaaaaaaaaaan, KhAAAaaaaaan."

"Jim." The master growled.

"I khan't really talk right now, gotta go do work and…stuff. AWAYYYYY!" Kirk replied and took off, screeching like a banshee.

"Who gave him the experimental energy drugs?" Khan demanded. Everyone nearby who witnessed the embarrassing incident shook their heads, eyes wide in shock, seeking to hide from his wrath.

~0~

"I heard he's going around making puns on the master's name." one slave whispered to another.

"How did the master react?"

"He's not happy about it."

"Hey guys!"

"Oh dear, he's found us."

"Look at these cool new thingamabobs I just found, khan you dig it?"

"Please don't do this around us, we're busy…" one of the slaves said as they backed away, arms out.

"You khan't stop this." Kirk replied, dancing. The slaves squeaked when Khan appeared behind him, fleeing the scene of a soon-to-be crime. "You khan't touch this, dun dun a dun, dun dun, dun dun."

"Kirk, stop it right now."

"Okay." He quickly said and stopped dancing, expression returning to normal.

Khan making 90's references and Kirk staring at him trying not to laugh:

"Back in my day we didn't have portable transporters for convenient travel between planets. We had to walk miles in the snow. Uphill. Carrying our houses on our backs." Khan sneered before taking another sip of wine.

"Did you just use the phrase 'back in my day'?" Kirk blurted, unable to stop himself.

"Did I st-st-stutter?" Khan retaliated. The way he glared made Kirk bite his lip to keep from laughing, but a snort still escaped as his shoulders shook from holding in giggles.

"I just can't take you seriously when you say that kind of stuff."

"Don't act like I'm not all that and a bag of chips." Khan replied with an accompanying movement of his head, swerving in a circular fashion.

"Whhaaaat?" Kirk asked, laughing through the word and gesturing toward the other man.

"Aight, just admit I'm the bomb dot com and I'll stop with the slang, yo."

"Wow." Kirk outright laughed, hunching over to lay his head on the table to stifle his reaction. "I literally can't understand what you're saying right now."

"Just chill out dawg." Khan was smiling now, having fun in regaling Kirk with his time period's use of slang. He almost missed the days when these phrases were commonly heard.

"Hey, hey, I know I'm you're pet and all, but I'm certainly no dog." Kirk straightened with a serious expression, pouting as if the idea hurt.

"Of course you are, you're my bitch."

"Your what?!"

"Damn skippy." Khan grinned, chuckling deeply as he sipped his wine.

"Khan stop for the love of all things space." Kirk was laughing so hard his ribs ached, he could barely breathe, and tears were leaking out of his eyes. He enjoyed it though, it was better than their normal dinners.

"My crib, my rules."

"Are you a baby now? What's going on?"

They were both laughing at this point, slapping their knees and leaning over, stomachs heaving and shoulders shaking. Taking a deep breath, Kirk tipped his head back to laugh as Khan stifled more laughter. He had to set the wine glass down on the table to keep from spilling it.

Kirk wants to go to the city and throws a temper tantrum:

"I wanna goooooo!" Kirk whined, clinging to Khan's arm, chin resting on his shoulder.

"I can't just skip work to take you to the city." Khan snapped, shaking Kirk loose. The pet stamped his foot and pouted angrily, making more whining noises. "If you behave I might take you when I get home."

"NO! Wanna go now!"

"Kirk, you're being juvenile. Do I need to spank you?"

Kirk crossed his arms rebelliously but stepped away from Khan. "No." he replied childishly. Khan raised an eyebrow. "If you don't take me, I won't do my chores." He said mater-of-factly.

"Oh really?" Khan's voice lowered and he stepped forward. Kirk jumped back.

"I wanna see the things! Lights and tall buildings! And the ocean! Wanna see the ocean."

"Kirk, this planet doesn't have an ocean."

"OCEAN!" Kirk screamed, stamping his foot again.

"CHORES FIRST!" Khan yelled back.

"CHORES LATER! CITY NOW!"

Khan threw his hands up in exasperation. The other slaves were nowhere around, refusing to get involved in the domestic dispute. They tended to flee when Khan and Kirk began one of their arguments. The master looked to his pet who gave no indication of backing down, clenching his fists like a child and glaring. He knew it wasn't anything serious, just his pet acting out because he felt he had the freedom to do so and needed to vent healthily. Khan could put him back in his place in an instant if he wanted to. He contemplated ending this charade just so he could get to work, but the look in those bright blue eyes made him resign all notions of leaving Kirk here, all cooped up.

"Fine. But you owe me." Khan growled, sighing.

Kirk grinned wide, jumping up and down excitedly. He made a happy screech and hugged Khan tight, rubbing their cheeks together. "Yayyy! I promise to give you sexy times later tonight." He said suggestively, licking his master's ear.

"Don't act like this in public." Khan chided, trying to shrug out of his pet's grip. Kirk remained firmly attached, wrapping his arms and legs around the man and grinning like a fool.

"Mkay." He chirped, unable to restrain his happiness.

~0~

Kirk's eyes were wide as he looked up into the sky, measuring how tall the buildings were. The sounds of traffic and bustling life around him made his skin buzz. He didn't stray far from Khan, instead held his hand firmly, but was blown away by the sights of the city. Khan looked amused yet wary, glaring at any creature whose gaze lingered too long on his pet. Some of the natives nodded their heads in respect to him, which he returned vaguely. He kept a careful eye out in case Kirk decided to dart away or someone tried to get too close.

Kirk noticed how the humans were treated in the city. Each one appeared in a different state depending on who their master was, some being dragged around on leashes with barely any clothing on, others dressed formally to show off as arm candy, still some in a notable uniform following obediently behind their masters. None of them looked quite as enthusiastic and comfortable as he did. He frowned, looking to Khan worriedly.

"Is this okay?" he whispered.

Khan glanced at him. "It's fine for now." He replied distractedly. After a moment the question fully registered in his mind. A few looks from the slavers he knew had him rethinking this outing. "Actually, you seem far too excited and unrestrained. You need to calm down."

Kirk nodded, attempting to hide some of his eagerness. "I feel like our relationship is a bit unconventional." He whispered again.

Khan chuckled. "Of course it is, I'm far too lenient on you now."

"If it matters, I really appreciate it."

His master snorted. "Of course you do. But that doesn't mean you can get out of hand. If you start misbehaving, I'll punish you for it. Don't forget your place."

Even though it wasn't meant to be mean, the words still stung, making Kirk wince. His grip loosened enough for Khan to notice, flicking his eyes over to the forlorn expression on his pet's face. If he told Kirk it was just for appearances sake, they would both know it was a lie. If he tried to cheer him up, he would only earn a half-hearted response. This was what they were; no more, no less.

"Is this what you really wanted?" Khan asked out of the blue. Kirk jerked his head around, confused. "To see the city? Or was it something…else?"

Kirk wanted to tell him how much just being near Khan meant to him. He wanted to say he would follow the man around like a lovesick puppy if he would only let him. He wanted to say he got lonely at the house, even when the other slaves were around, and missed Khan's presence. He wanted to say it wasn't just the city or the air or the brief freshness of his former life being presented to him again that he wanted. He kept it all to himself, however, conveying it through his eyes.

"It's just been so long. I wanted…to remember what it was like."

"And are you enjoying yourself?"

"Yes." Because Khan was here with him. Because he felt slightly normal again. Because he could almost forget where he was and what he was for a moment.

Khan made a note to take Kirk out of the house more often to make sure his pet didn't go stir crazy again.

Khan gets drunk:

"Ya know yer a lil shit." Khan slurred, pointing at Kirk who was giggling like crazy, trying not to fall out of his seat. "You just… 'oh look at me I'm so cute' and FUCK YOU!"

Kirk burst into more laughter, clutching his stomach. "You think I'm cute?" His cheeks were rosy, a glass of whiskey near his hand, but he wasn't nearly as drunk as Khan was.

"Cute ass, cute smile, cute hair." Khan grumbled, taking another swig. When nothing met his lips, he glared down into the glass. "Gimme more, bitch."

"Get it yourself, master of drunkenness." Kirk guffawed.

Khan stood uneasily, swaying and ending up falling back into the chair. "Hey!" he exclaimed, glaring but unfocused. "...who moved that?" His elbow was propped up on the table as he pointed at Kirk again. "Quit moving ya fairy."

"Have I sprouted wings?" Kirk asked, gasping for breath.

Khan scrunched up his face, leaning forward. "What? Dude, ya gotta…ya gotta stop moving!"

"I'm just sitting here!" Kirk stated, then began to sing. "Tryin'a find myself,"

"No!" Khan yelled, sitting back, drink in hand and swishing dangerously. "No singing. No." He raised the glass to his lips but had a hard time finding his mouth.

"I get behind myself, I need to rewind myself,"

"Noooooo!"

"You're being so loud!" Kirk shrieked, equally high in volume.

"Shhhhhhhhh." Khan hushed him, waving a finger. "The others will hear us!" he yelled.

"The whole planet will hear us!" Kirk shouted, still laughing. "They'll think we're having sex or something!"

"We could be having sex or something. Hey! Why aren't you in my lap? C'mere!" Khan gestured for him. "Me, master. You, pet. You, please master."

"Are you a caveman now? Is that what you meant when you said you were a savage?" Kirk giggled, standing up and stumbling over to Khan, landing in his lap.

"No, no, no, noooo. I said I have savagey…savagetree…sabbage patch kids….what?"

"Savagery?"

"Yes! That." Kirk snorted, leaning against Khan who had an arm wrapped around his waist. "What was I saying?" Kirk shrugged. "Your face is red." Khan peered close, too close.

"Ack! Don't try to kiss me!" Kirk flailed.

"Whyyyyy, c'mere lemme kiss youuuuu!" Khan puckered his lips, going in for a smooch. Kirk shrieked, laughing, trying to shove his face away. They continued in this manner, laughing at first, Kirk wiggling around on Khan's lap. Soon, though, the alcohol in their system brought their lips together. The drinks were forgotten in lieu of sexual stimulation.

Kirk discovers television:

Khan came home one day to hear the distinct sound of a television in the normally unused living room of his home. Curious yet irritated, thinking one of the slaves decided to slack off and watch TV, he stalked into the room with a scowl. What he saw was James T. Kirk sitting on the couch, knees to his chest and arms wrapped around, the remote control in his hand, staring at the television screen like it was going to save his life.

Khan came around to the side of the couch to get a better view. That was when he noticed food wrappers and dishes sitting beside his pet on the couch and stacked on top of the glass coffee table in front of him. Kirk didn't even acknowledge his presence—probably didn't even notice yet—as his eyes remained glued to the show.

"Did you spend all day like this?" Khan asked, interrupting the dialogue.

"Shhhhhhh." Kirk hushed him, pointing to the TV, still not even looking at him.

"I'll take that as a yes." Khan sighed, putting his hands on his hips. "What are you even watching?"

"SHHHHHH!" Kirk hushed him loudly, waving at him in a dismissal. He was engrossed in the drama taking place in front of him. Khan narrowed his eyes and stood in front of the television, crossing his arms. Kirk blinked, lifting his head as his eyes traveled up his master's tall frame. Khan lifted an eyebrow.

"Have you done any of your chores today?" His master asked, as if speaking to a child.

"Oh…OH! Ohhhhh!" Kirk exclaimed, jumping up and scattering the trash around him. He cursed and scrambled to pick it up, running to the other room to dispose of the pile in his arms. He came back in to get the rest, then started grabbing cleaning supplies. He wiped down the table and cleaned off the crumbs from the couch, turning the TV by mashing random buttons until the screen went black. He ran back and forth between the kitchen and living room, trying to clean his mess.

Khan sighed, rubbing his temples. "And dinner?" he asked exasperatedly.

Kirk stopped, lifting a finger to think, then swiveled toward the kitchen. "Shit." He cursed again. He turned back to Khan with a pitiful, 'please have mercy on me' expression.

"It's fine, we'll just…go out to eat tonight." Khan replied calmly.

Kirk's face lifted as he nodded. "Sorry, I just…the news was still on from when you were watching it this morning and I…found the remote to try to turn it off, but ended up channel surfing…and…sorry. I guess I lost track of time and got distracted." He explained sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

Khan approached. "It's alright, just don't make a habit of it." Kirk smiled in response, excited about going somewhere to eat and for not being punished. Khan rarely even threatened him anymore, instead he was so nice to his pet to the point where Kirk began to forget the past atrocities he committed.

They started watching TV together after dinner, sitting side by side on the couch, Khan's arm on the top behind Kirk. The pet pretended not to notice when the arm slipped down to wrap around him, but couldn't help but to lean into his master's side. Sometimes he fell asleep that way, with his head on Khan's shoulder, and found himself being carried to bed. He didn't mind.

Kirk yelling YOLO as he runs away from Khan:

He laughed maniacally, zigzagging past the barricades and jumping over obstacles, delirious. He ran as fast as his feet could carry him, thankful for the exercises he made himself do while Khan was away at work. He was in perfect condition for this. Though superior, Khan was still behind him, not quite caught up.

He was close enough to yell, however. "JAMES FUCKING KIRK YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"YOLO!" Kirk shouted into the air as he kept running, straining his legs to go faster, farther, trying to make them extend longer to put more distance behind them. Khan's running was more composed, less wild yet containing an animal savagery in the way his hips rolled. He growled, upping the pace to easily overcome his prey, and tackled his pet to the ground. They rolled, with Kirk still laughing.

Gasping, air tight and chest heaving, lungs and ribs aching, legs burning, Kirk stared up at the sky with his mouth open. A steady stream of giggles erupted from his throat, body shaking with laughter, skin tingling. Khan lay beside him, keeping hold of him and steadying his breathing. He sat up to scowl down at Kirk, whose laughter only increased.

"Look at your face!" he wheezed.

"That wasn't funny." Khan gritted out through clenched teeth.

"It was in my head." Kirk quirked an eyebrow as he grinned.

"You do realize I'm going to punish you now." The master growled.

"You only live once." The pet shrugged.

"That's no excuse to run around the market screaming your head off. Ever since you discovered that annoying phrase you've been driving me up the wall. Setting fire in the kitchen—,"

"—that was an accident—,"

"—trying to tickle me while I'm working—,"

"—I was just trying to make you laugh!"

"—trying to force the others to partake in your crazy schemes." Khan glared.

"They're way too sullen and boring."

"That's how I like my slaves." Khan replied. Kirk pouted up at him. They remained like that until Khan eventually rolled his eyes and sighed. "You're going to say this was another cat and mouse game, correct?" Kirk nodded his head vigorously, grinning again. "At least you're no longer a weakling. Maybe I don't have to take it quite so easy on you anymore."

"Ohhh nooooo!" Kirk replied dramatically, writhing. "Can't breathe! Ribs, cracked…legs, broken…oh my heart, be still!" he pretended pain, reaching to the sky and clutching his side. "Carry me!" he gasped as Khan started to get up. He received a raised eyebrow in response but held out his arms, indicating for Khan to pick him up. "I'm too weak to go on." When Khan put his hands on his hips Kirk grinned again. After a moment he was hauled up into his master's arms, wrapping his hands around Khan's neck and nuzzling against his chest.

Kirk making suggestive gestures at Khan while he's in a meeting and distracting him:

Kirk sat with a few other pets on the other side of the room, their masters in an intense meeting. Khan sat near the head of the table, close to the market's leader, as they discussed important matters relating to slaves and regulations. Kirk kept trying to catch Khan's eye, but his master was ignoring him as he conducted business. Bored and getting squirmy, he came up with a devious idea of getting his master's attention. He nudged the slave girl beside him and gave a winning smile. She jerked away and ducked her head shyly. Kirk felt steel eyes on him and turned quickly.

He pointed to Khan and mouthed 'you' and then pointed to himself, mouthing 'me' before bucking his hips forward and moving both arms back, mimicking a sexual encounter, grinning and biting his lip. Khan's eyebrows came together as he frowned, slightly shaking his head. The slaves around Kirk stared at him in open horror. None of the others at the table noticed yet. When Khan next glanced over, Kirk was using his tongue to poke the inside of his cheek, with his hand on the other side of his face moving back and forth to mime a blow job. Khan's mouth opened in an expression of intense disapproval and being tired of his shit. Kirk gave him a wink, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.

The other slaves continued to stare at him in shock and terror, glancing at their masters who were thankfully too immersed in their conversation to notice the blatant disobedience and inappropriate behavior. Khan glared, making it clear his pet was disappointing him. He gestured for Kirk to stop, who merely blew him a kiss and licked his lips. Khan clenched his fist and shook it at him.

"Distracted, sir?"

The meeting grew silent as they stared at the superior being. His eyes were narrowed as he met the stares of his peers. "One moment please." He said calmly and went over to Kirk. The aliens whispered to themselves, ignoring him as he loomed over Kirk who grinned up at him, completely disregarding his impending doom. He was surprised when Khan leaned down and kissed him roughly, grabbing a handful of blond hair and pulling Kirk forward. "I'll deal with you later, and if you behave it might even be pleasurable." He growled in his pet's ear.

Kirk held back a moan for propriety's sake, but licked his lips again as a smile spread across his face. Having won the battle, he watched Khan walk back to his seat, eyes located on the way his master's hips moved, but most pointedly at his ass. His face said 'I'm getting dick tonight' and made the other slaves question his sanity.

How was your day, dear?

Kirk heard the door open and knew it was Khan without even having to look up from preparing dinner. His master entered the kitchen and was greeted with a smile and kiss on the cheek as he passed by. "How was your day, dear?" Kirk asked warmly.

"Fine, just the usual. How was yours?" Khan asked absently, grabbing something to drink from the fridge.

"Good, I cleaned up a bit around the house." Kirk replied.

It took them both a moment before they paused, glancing at each other. Khan's confused expression morphed into amusement as Kirk's smile turned into a grimace.

"Oh god. It's happening." Kirk gasped. Khan chuckled. "I'm becoming…a housewife." He hissed, then groaned as he looked down at the cooking supplies in his hand. He glared at the apron wrapped around his front and dropped his head in defeat. Khan ruffled his hair as he passed.

"At least there are no screaming children to chase after."

Kirk's head rose slowly, a look of horror on his face. "Not the children. Anything but the children."

"I don't know, I may need to use your DNA to create more superior beings if I plan to colonize a whole planet." Khan said purposefully for the agonized scream he heard Kirk make as he walked down the hall. He paused and ducked his head around the corner to look into the kitchen, where Kirk sank down to the floor, mock crying. "You'd make a splendid mother, dear."

He dodged the frying pan thrown in his direction and laughed, continuing down the hall.

"YOU BETTER NOT IMPREGNATE ME WHILE I'M SLEEPING YOU ASS!" Kirk yelled after him.

"DON'T WORRY YOU'LL BE WIDE AWAKE!" Khan yelled back.

He was greeted with another disturbed scream.

~0~

As Kirk was laid down on the bed, being kissed silly by his master, he remembered the events of earlier. Breaking off the kiss and laying his hands on Khan's chest to push him slightly away, he looked deep into those steel eyes and asked, in all seriousness, "You're not actually going to impregnate me, are you?"

Khan's mouth twitched up at the corners. "No, what do you think I am, an animal?"

Kirk let out an awkward, hesitant chuckle. "No..?"

"Why, do you want me to?" His master leered down at him.

"NO!"

"Don't worry, I wouldn't torment you with an unwanted pregnancy and burden you with mini versions of myself to make your life even more of a living hell."

"Gee thanks, you're my hero." Kirk replied drily.

Author's Note: Because I couldn't help myself, that's why. Please let me know if you have any other suggestions and I may add them in another part of this fic! You can also review and say how crack-tastic this was, or you can call me a cuckoo bird for all I care.