disclaimer: not mine.

summary: Tony Stark encounters a certain teenage spy.

I like messing with Tony.

Nothing Happened

Tony stared at the back of the kid's blond head.

Who was sitting on his couch.

Eating the last of his Pop-Tarts.

Thor was not going to be happy.

The blond kid, looking about fourteen, turned his head and said, "Hey."

"Hey," Tony returned. "What're you doing here?"

The kid rolled his eyes. "Eating Pop-Tarts." He finished off his last strawberry Pop-Tart and wiped his hands on his jeans.

"... Am I supposed to kick you out?" Tony wondered. For all the strange things that happened to him recently, never had he had a normal person actually break into his tower.

Then again, if the kid could break into his tower, then he probably wasn't normal.

"Normally, you're supposed to call the police and kick people out whenever someone breaks into your house," the kid agreed. "But first of all, this is a tower, not a house. Second, nothing about this situation is normal. Well," the kid mused, "considering who we are, this could be normal."

"Good point," Tony conceded, even though he had no idea who the kid was. "And who are you?"

"Harry Potter."

"Nice to meet you, Harry Potter. I'm Severus Snape."

"You're lying," the kid snapped, voice suddenly cold. Tony blinked. "Severus Snape would never be happy to meet Harry Potter."

"... Right."

The kid yawned, stretched his arms, and stood. The genius frowned at his familiar, way-too-big outfit. That shirt, those pants, that belt - "Hey, those are my clothes!"

"Not anymore. Don't worry, I'm only borrowing them for... Sixty years, if I'm lucky." Meaning he had no intention of returning them whatsoever.

That was when Tony spotted a pile of tattered and bloodstained clothes beside the couch. "Are those - "

"Yeah," the kid nodded, picking them up. "Don't worry, I left your undies alone. I'm not that creepy." There was that, at least. "I also raided your first aid kit. Sorry, had this really nasty knife fight in Paraguay and I needed to change my bandages. You might want to restock it. Cool lab, by the way."

That was when it finally sunk in: he had an intruder! "What - JARVIS!"

"Yes, sir?" said JARVIS in that cool English accent of his.

"What's this kid doing here?"

"He was eating Pop-Tarts, sir."

Tony rolled his eyes and decided to plow on. "Did you let him in?"

"Yes, sir."

"Why?"

"Because Smithers will someday rule the world. Sir."

"I had a friend hack into him," the kid said, smirking at Tony's bewildered expression. He waved a nondescript black phone.

"That's impossible. And rude," referring to JARVIS's hacking.

The kid smiled and said with a sudden English accent (wait, what - ?), "Anyway, thanks for the clothes. And Pop-Tarts. And secret government files. Tell the Black Widow I said hi." And with that, he jumped out the window.

Tony stared. They were several stories up. The kid had no rope on him. That window wasn't supposed to even open.

Wait... Secret government files?

"I'm in trouble, aren't I?" Tony thought out loud. "Fury is gonna - "

"Sir," JARVIS interrupted, "Miss Romanov has arrived."

The aforementioned Russian strode into the room and nodded at Tony.

"Natasha, you'll never believe what just happened."

"A fourteen-year old English kid broke into the tower and stole some secret government files," the Black Widow guessed.

"A fourteen - wait, how'd you know?"

Natasha hmphed. "Damn. Now I owe him a hundred." She glared at him. "I thought you had better security."

"Natasha!" He was indignant.

"He shouldn't have been able to break in," she said, almost to herself. "Damn, I thought I finally had him... Really, ever since he killed that arms dealer with a wedding dress..."

"Nat..." She didn't event react. "I think you better explain."

The Russian ignored the bloodstains and sat on the couch before saying, "He just came from Uruguay - "

"Paraguay," Tony corrected automatically.

Natasha shot him a dirty look. "Anyway, he jumped on a plane to New York and contacted me. I told him he could crash here if he could break in and steal something from your database, just for old time's sake. Knowing him, he'd go for secret government files."

"Natasha! Why'd you do that? I could be in trouble for this!"

"You do things that could get you in trouble on a regular basis. Besides, you probably shouldn't have those files in the first place."

Tony winced. She had a point.

Natasha left for the kitchen while Tony stood there and contemplated his life choices.

"Sir," said JARVIS, "Thor and Mister Rogers have arrived."

Sure enough, Captain America and the Norse god came through the doorway.

"Good evening, Tony," Steve greeted while Thor headed for the kitchen. "How was your day?"

Tony turned his gaze to Steve. "Oh, you know. The usual."

A roar sounded from the kitchen. "WHERE ARE THE POP-TARTS!"

author's note: because only Smithers can program JARVIS to say something like that.