Wha-? What happened? Where am I?

Oh. I'm still in Aperture.

Hey, wait a minute! I'm still in Aperture! That means I'm alive! Someone must have fixed me. But who?

Let's see. So far, I can't see anything but vines, broken glass, and a human in an orange jumpsuit. Wait, what?

Her!? Are you kidding me!? Does the universe hate me or something? Of course, out of the seven billion and counting humans on this world, it had to be her. That deranged, evil, mute, fat, adopted, murderous... I could go on and on.

Stay calm, GLaDOS. Stay calm. I'll kill her later. That blue-eyed core must have helped her get this far, so I'll kill him first.

Now she's giving me that look again. The look that practically screams 'I will kill you by slowly ripping you into tiny pieces and throwing the pieces in the incinerator. Oh, wait, I already have.' Hmm. Now that I think about it, she's probably more like me than I thought she was.

Anyway, as long as she's here, I might as well make her do some more tests. I'll probably have to cut the grass in the chambers first, though. God, how long have I been out?

-o-

I have an idea. It's kind of an evil idea, but it sounds like fun, so I'll do it. I'm going to play a prank on Chell and trick her into thinking that she's going to get to see her parents again. Won't that be fun?

If you are Chell, don't answer that. Also, why the [REDACTED] are you reading my diary, you lunatic?

Anyway, the testing has been going... relatively well. Something tells me that I haven't completely killed off her core friend, but it probably won't matter much. It's not like he's smart enough to do anything to me.

Why did I just get the strange feeling that what I just said is going to ironically come back and nip me in the [REDACTED]?

It's probably nothing.

-o-

Oh. My. God.

I cannot believe she actually fell for the whole 'parents' thing. That was so funny. You should have seen the look on her face. She was all, "Dammit, GLaDOS!" except she didn't say it out loud because she can't talk. She is so gullible it's almost sad. Almost.
In other news, I recently found out that I, in fact, did not kill that core. Not that I really care, because I've seen him, and he looks like a complete moron.

-o-

Okay, so you know how I said earlier that calling the blue-eyed core (whose name is apparently Wheatley) stupid would come back to haunt me?

It did.

I'm writing this right now from inside a potato.

Yes, you heard right.

A potato.

So what happened was I got tired of testing Chell and decided to kill her with neurotoxin. That didn't work because she broke the neurotoxin generator earlier. Then I tried turrets. That didn't work either because she broke the turret assembly machine. And then the system decided I was corrupted. Which meant I needed a core transfer. Luckily for her, there was another core right there in the room with us.

Wheatley.

I tried to stop her from pressing that button, but did it work? No, because even though I am a highly intelligent supercomputer who also happens to have all the world's knowledge stored in my databanks, my advice doesn't mean anything because I have homicidal tendencies sometimes.

So she pressed the button and the core transfer happened. At first I wasn't that worried, because I still had Blue and Orange to fix things after Chell and Wheatley escaped.

But he went mad with power. Apparently, the Mainframe's power is too much for a core like him. I made the mistake of pointing out how little he did to get there, and, well, that's why I'm in a potato.

Lesson learned. Never get a power-mad moron angry. Ever.

Anyway, I have no idea how I'm going to fix this, but I'm sure that I'll come up with something...

Oh, look, it's a bird. Wait, why is it- AHH HELP IT'S GOT ME!

-o-

I have three words for you.

[REDACTED].

My.

Life.

That evil bird kidnapped me and took me to its nest, and it's trying to eat me like I'm some sort of potato.

Oh, wait.

I AM A POTATO.

[REDACTED] you, Wheatley. I hope you die a horrible, painful death. In the incinerator. While being eaten by birds. And struck by lightning. And slowly torn apart atom by atom. Then I hope your ashes get eaten by... I don't think anything eats ashes. Oh, well.

Hey, look, someone's coming... oh, never mind, it's just Chell. Wait, maybe she can help me! I mean, she needs to defeat Wheatley, too. We've got a common goal.

-o-

Actually, I wasn't expecting her to help me. But apparently, we're teammates now. Yay.

-o-

Cave Johnson... Cave Johnson... where have I heard that name before? I swear, he sounds so familiar. And that assistant of his, Caroline... she sounds exactly like me. It's almost creepy.

Anyway, when Wheatley punched us into that pit, he apparently dumped us right into Old Aperture. And by old, I mean really old. Like, before I was built. Which is old.

Well done, moron. Well done.

We managed to find some test chambers down here, which is a good sign, because test chambers usually lead to elevators, which lead to higher floors, which will probably lead us to Wheatley, so I- sorry, we- can get our revenge. And believe me, it won't be pretty.

Wait. Back up. Cave Johnson just said something about putting himself in a computer. Huh. I don't know any computers that sound like him. But what about Caroline? He did say he wanted her to run Aperture when he died, and that combined with the computer thing...

Does that mean I'm... her?

Whoa. I'm starting to feel dizzy just thinking about it.

I need to get some rest.

-o-

WHAT IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE HAS THAT MORON DONE TO MY ENRICHMENT CENTER!?

The chambers are a complete mess, the turrets are a complete mess, the tests make no sense whatsoever, and the worst part is, he's got a 'surprise' for us. Right. Like we've never heard that one before. He's not even being subtle about it! He might as well be holding up a giant neon sign that reads 'I am going to kill you!' Honestly.

By the way, I have an idea. It's a little bit risky, but it might work. I'm going to tell him a paradox. No AI can resist a paradox, but unfortunately, that includes me. I'll have to try as hard as I can not to think about it.

Wish me luck.

-o-

How on earth did the paradox not work!? Is he just too stupid to figure it out? I ended up being the one with a headache and he just thought the answer was 'true'. He is such a [REDACTED] moron!

Not only that, I recently found out that due to his incompetence at running this facility, this entire [REDACTED] place is going to explode! I swear, if I could move on my own, I'd grab that portal gun and kill him myself. Chell had better hurry up, because this time, her life isn't the only one at stake.

-o-

Well, it's almost time for us to get killed. Just two more train wrecks- I mean, test chambers- to go.

Wait, what's this light tunnel doing here? Oh, no. Oh, no, he did not. Did he seriously just do something clever? The world must be ending. We're doing it now. Brilliant. That's brilliant. For him, that is.

Although, I'm pretty sure the cleverness of that plan stops here. Does he honestly think he can kill Chell with a spike plate? Please. I couldn't do it with rockets, so he probably can't do it with spike plates.

Or turrets.

Or 'deadly pits'.

Nice try, moron.

And get this. He even thinks that changing up the Central AI chamber a bit is going to help him. What he doesn't know is that this one probably makes him easier to beat than the old one. There's Conversion Gel everywhere. Not only that, he's probably stupid enough to have left the corrupted cores there.

Yes! They're still there! I can use them to slowly corrupt him and initiate a core transfer. I just need Chell to stun him first. There's got to be an opening in those shields somewhere.

Somewhere... there we go! First core, coming right up.

And here comes the second one.

And the third one.

Finally! Now it's time for me to- huh? Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Land mines!? You mean he actually had a backup plan? That's a first.

Wait, why is the room falling apart?

Oh, no... we're all going to die. Right here. Unless we can find a way to get Wheatley out of my body in thirty seconds. I don't know about Chell, but for once, I have no idea what to do.

Why is she aiming her portal gun at the moon? What is she- oh, I see now! I just have to start the core transfer before the moron finds a way to pull himself back in. Come on, come on...

Done.

Finally.

I'm back in charge.

And that moron is not coming back.

-o-

Phew! She's alive! I was actually worried there for a bit. She was out for quite a while. Well, okay, it was only a few days. But, still, I was kind of worried. I must admit, I've grown a bit fond of her in our brief time as teammates. So what if she's insane, fat, and adopted?

She's my friend.

And to be quite honest, I'm going to miss her when I let her go.

-GLaDOS

[Yes, I know it's probably shorter than the last one, but hey, she's kind of harder to write, lol. -TAR]