Shepard didn't begrudge the Primarch his right to request her presence, but she did begrudge him his right to do it before she could get a shower. Her uniform chaffed against the grit still sticking to her skin, and she had the horrible feeling that it was someone else's blood making her shirt stick to her back. But she put on her most neutral expression and stood respectfully straight as Victus explained what he needed; it would be over soon, and she could finally rest. Even relieved of duty, she had felt constantly on edge, and now the tension had settled deep into her muscles, sending barbs of pain up into her skull.

"Of course, sir."

She blinked out of her stupor in time to see Victus leave, suddenly aware of a presence beside her. A hand brushed her arm and she looked up to meet her friend's eyes. Garrus didn't return her tired smile and nodded toward the door. Now that they were out of sight, the friendly looks between them that everyone had expected to see had faded.

"We need to talk."

Shepard let her shoulders slump, holding in the sigh of exhaustion that threatened to break free of her. "Yeah, sure, right. Battery?"

"Sure."

He followed her through the deck and into the elevator without a word, and they rode down the single floor in complete silence, on opposite sides of the small compartment. Neither even tried to make eye contact as they breezed through the crew deck, and when the doors of the battery closed behind them, they both looked somewhere else. Anywhere else to avoid the eyes of the other.

Shepard scuffed her boot against the floor absently, her eyes not moving from the space between her feet as she crossed her arms loosely over her stomach. She had known this conversation would come—it needed to, even if she had to start it—but that knowledge didn't banish the feeling of dread it gave her. Where to even begin…

"Well?" Garrus demanded, the single word a low growl from deep in his chest. He wasn't looking at her just like she refused to look up from the floor, his eyes stuck on the wall in front of him. He leaned his forearm against the bulkhead and let his forehead rest against his fist.

"Well what?" she asked tightly, her shoulders hunching forward defensively.

"Oh come on, Shepard. Spare me the act," he spat, finally looking up at her. His eyes were cold, and pain made the blue of his eyes piercing. "I told you I wanted something to go right. I told you what you meant to me. And you just… said it back!"

"I know!" Shepard shot forward, pointing an accusing finger at him. "And I meant it!"

"Meant it?" he roared, turning to loom over her, "You dumped us all and abandoned us! You left us. You left me!" For a second, they stayed like that, their faces inches apart until he leaned back. "Why did you lie to me?"

"I didn't lie, Garrus, and I didn't abandon anyone." She ran both hands through her hair, wincing when her fingers caught on a tangle. "I would never abandon my crew."

"That's bullshit, and you know it, Shepard. You lied to me and you abandoned your crew, and didn't even offer an explanation. You forced us all out and left us!"

Shepard didn't know why she did it, but her hand lashed out, and his head snapped back; after a second, she was aware of the dull sting of her palm. The sound of skin smacking plate echoed in the stillness until she let out a shaky breath and stepped back from him. "I didn't abandon anyone," she spat, blinking against the sudden burning of her eyes, "I would never put anyone else through that, you know me better than that."

"I thought I did."

"Well I could say the same about you!" She whirled on him, only barely aware that she was screaming. "Six months they had me detained, and not once did you try to contact me. You said you didn't want to lose me, but you didn't even try to keep me!" She sliced the flat of her hand through the air. "And don't accuse me of abandoning you, there is far more to it than you know, and how dare you think that of me. How fucking dare you…"

"You ordered your entire crew off the ship and left us! The next thing we heard, a relay was destroyed and you were under arrest! What the hell did you expect me to think, Shepard?! I had your back, I always had your back!" He went to run a hand down his face, but stopped when the pressure made him grimace. "I never doubted you, even when you came back with Cerberus. I trusted you to help me when I found Sidonis. Why couldn't you trust me to help you then?"

There… This was the part that was hard. Again, her eyes began to burn and she blinked at them furiously. "Don't you think I wanted to?" Her voice was rough and strained as she forced the words past the tightness in her throat. "Don't you think I would have brought you with me if I could? Did you really think so little of me that the first thing you assumed was that I was abandoning you?" The traitorous tears finally escaped, carving shimmering trails through the grit on her cheeks. "How could you think that?"

"You didn't tell me anything!" Garrus huffed out a breath and looked away. In the face of her tears, his anger had cooled enough to let his voice drop in volume. "Why couldn't you just tell me where you going?"

"It was classified."

Immediately, she could see his brow lower and looked down at her feet. She hated the way the words sounded on her tongue, but it was all she could say. It didn't make the words taste any better, though…

"That's the best you can come up with?" he asked, his voice barely above a hoarse whisper now. "After all your speeches, that's the best thing you can think to say?"

She didn't look up, her hands set on her hips. "It's all I can say, Garrus. You saw what happened, it was a shit storm. I massacred a colony! I never knew that would happen, but the one thing I am thankful for is that I am the only one responsible." She lifted her head and sighed. "I couldn't live with myself if you were blamed for that."

But his anger, back in force, didn't abate this time and he simply shook his head. "Don't I deserve to make that choice for myself? I read the file, Shepard! It hurt to think that you had gone through all of that alone, and that I could have helped you! I could have kept you safe if you'd just trusted me enough to let me come with you!"

"I couldn't do that!"

"Like hell you could!" They were back, face to face again with voices raised and he grabbed her by her biceps, hard enough to bruise. "Of all the things you do disregarding the rules, you could have brought me with you. You could have. But you didn't."

"I did what I thought was best!" She rolled her shoulders back in an effort to free her arms, but his grip didn't loosen.

"Well you were wrong. The great Commander Shepard was wrong." He threw the words at her and she ground her jaw tight to hide the quiver of her lips. "You could have told me what was going on, you could have taken me with you. But you didn't! I loved you—I want to say I still do—and I thought you loved me too."

"I do love you."

He scoffed and her expression darkened. "How do I know you aren't lying to me again?"

The fire was back in her eyes and she angrily pulled his hands off of her. "You have a lot of nerve," she finally forced out, "to keep accusing me of lying to you. I never lied to you—about the mission, or about my feelings."

"Could have fooled me when you left without an explanation!"

Her fists clenched, nails biting into her skin. "I don't have to explain myself to you, Garrus."

"No? I thought we were in this together, Shepard. I thought what we had meant something!" Again he grabbed her arm, but she didn't seem to notice and their eyes never left each other.

"So did I, but I guess I was wrong!" She stared angrily up at him, standing her ground despite their close proximity.

His mandibles pulled tight to his face and before she could react, he had slammed her back against the locked door. "Of all the things to admit to being wrong about…" he growled, leaning over her. She opened her mouth to reply, but he cut her off with a bruising kiss. For a second, she didn't react, her eyes wide and he took the chance to pull her roughly against him. "I'm still mad at you," he purred against her neck.

In the back of her mind, she knew she was too, but it didn't stop her from snaking one hand up the back of his neck to press her fingers against his fringe. "I can deal with that," she breathed, "And I'm still mad at you too."

He rumbled in acknowledgement and ran his teeth down her throat. "Good. I'm told angry sex is better."

That made her chuckle; it was so much more natural to laugh with him than be angry, and immediately it felt as if a weight had been lifted. "I thought that was make up sex."

"Could be. We'll have to try both just to be sure."

"Mmm… Well, quick, while we're still mad at each other."

A huge thank you to my ever-fabulous beta, Greenyoda987