Hello! This little story is my entry for the April contest at Aria's Afterlife, this month hosted by the one and only bluekrishna, who wants something humourous to laugh at. I'll be updating on a daily basis until the mission is complete.

Losing Boo

1. Kasumi's Midnight Visitor

"Booooo! Booooooooooo!"

Kasumi looked up from her novel and scanned the whole Observation Lounge, engaging the special optics she usually reserved for serious heists. Everything seemed normal. With a shrug, she put the sound down to something mechanical and returned to her novel.

"Booooooooooo!"

There was no mistaking the noise this time; it was definitely a voice. Putting down her hand-held novel reader, she unfurled her legs and stood with all the grace and silence of a cat. Listening one more time, she decided the voice was coming from one of the nearby environmental support ducts, and dragged a chair to beneath the nearest access port so she could reach it more easily.

She pried off the grille covering the duct, and just for good measure, drew the pistol from her holster. Letting the grille drop to the floor, she pointed the barrel of her gun into the vent and engaged her optics one more time. A pair of eyes. Human. And a face, all dusty and sweat-stained. The figure crawling within the ventilation duct quickly materialised into the shape of Commander Jane Shepard, Saviour of the Citadel, Paragon of the Alliance, Bane of Geth... and Galaxy's Worst Dancer.

"Shepard," Kasumi said.

"Kasumi," Shepard returned.

"I noticed that you are crawling inside the ventilation duct shouting 'booooo!'"

"Yes." Shepard nodded, her brown hair falling into her eyes before she could blow it away in irritation. "Yes I am."

"Are you aware that it's not yet halloween? And even if it was halloween, the old 'haunted ship' routine has been done to death? I think you'd have better luck wearing a white bedsheet with eye-holes cut out."

"Of course I know it's not halloween," Shepard scoffed. "I have a perfectly valid and logical explanation for being inside this ventilation duct."

"And that reason is..?" she prompted.

"Hang on. Let me come out and I'll explain. Here, hold these for me."

A small fishing net on a pole was thrust at Kasumi, along with a block of cheese that Shepard had probably pilfered from the Mess. The cheese was cheddar, but it wasn't fresh, and smelt rather... whiffy. Wrinkling her nose, Kasumi accepted both items.

It took only a moment for Shepard to haul herself out of the vent, and when she dropped to the floor she looked even dirtier than before. She was so grey with dust that it wasn't even possible to see the scars left over from when Cerberus had jigsaw-puzzled her back together. As the Commander stood there, she tried to brush some of the dust from her black and white Cerberus uniform, but only succeeding in making it worse. Eventually, she gave up.

"So. Kasumi. Nice to see you. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Kasumi gave the Commander a rather pointed look. Sometimes it seemed Shepard had nothing better to do than run around the ship asking people if they needed anything or wanted to talk about personal issues. Perhaps she was simply bored; she'd already made Mordin recite an entire Gilbert and Sullivan play three times today. Sure, the first five or six times had been amusing, but now sometimes Kasumi had nightmares which involved the scientist Salarian.

"I'd like to talk about why you are crawling around the Normandy's air vents at twelve-thirty in the morning carrying a fishing net, a piece of cheese, and shouting 'booooooo!'"

"Oh. Right. Yeah. That." Shepard scratched one cheek, which cut swathes in the dust and left clean imprints behind. "Well... you know how I'm like... really awesome at some stuff? You know, killing things, and persuading people to give me stuff, and driving the mako up vertical cliff faces?"

"Yes, I've noticed how awesome you are at those things," Kasumi nodded, hoping Shepard was going to take the cheese back soon. It really was awful. "And even if I hadn't noticed, I could watch that film that came out about you last year, and learn all about your awesomeness from that."

"Exactly," Shepard grinned. "And you've probably noticed that at other things, I really, really, really, really suck."

"Things like dancing?"

Shepard threw up her arms and let herself fall back onto the sofa, smearing it with vent-dust. "Jeez, you get drunk once, and do a silly dance whilst under the influence, and nobody ever lets you forget it!"

"It wasn't once, Shepard."

"It was too!"

"Garrus tells me you did the dance more than once at Flux, back when you'd just been given command of Normandy."

"That doesn't count. It was in my last life," the Commander scowled. "I've died since then, so everything I do only counts from when I came back. Except saving the Citadel; the counts forever."

"I've seen you do the dance at least twice in Afterlife," Kasumi pointed out.

"Well, one time I was really really drunk because some asshole Batarian poisoned me. So that doesn't count either."

"And what about the victory dance you did when you saved those workers on Zorya?"

"There was a hallucinogenic compound on Zorya. Dr Chakwas said I was exposed to trace amounts of it."

"And the victory dance you did when Samara agreed to team up with us?"

"Excitement at working with such an esteemed justicar."

"And the victory dance you did when you found those spare parts for Daniels and Donnelly in engineering?"

"I have no memory of that. You made it up!"

"How about the gleeful jig you performed after punching Khalisah al-Jilani in the face?"

"I was just moving aside so she didn't fall down on me."

"It was captured on Khalisah's camera. And played on the five o'clock news. Every night. For three weeks straight."

"Anyway, as I was saying," Shepard continued, expertly deflecting the accusation, "there are some things I'm terrible at. One of these things is keeping pets alive."

"Ah yes. I heard about the fish." Kasumi put the cheese on the table and took the seat beside Shepard.

"I'm sure it's not my fault," Shepard continued. "I mean, I'm so busy saving the galaxy, how can I be expected to remember to feed my fish? Sometimes I barely remember to feed myself! I even went onto a fish-keeping forum on the extranet and asked what I was doing wrong. Everyone there says all I need to do is sleep with my Yeoman who'll then offer to feed my fish for me, but that feels too much like fishmotional blackmail, and I respect Kelly more than that."

"Plus, she is a woman."

"Yes, the lack of penis is a considerable down-side," said Shepard gravely.

Kasumi nodded. Eventually, Shepard would get to the point. Of course, getting to the point usually required going via several other points, but that was just how Shepard was.

"So anyway," the Commander continued, "Garrus figured I'd do better with an interactive pet. Y'know, something you can pet and stroke and do things with. Because that way I would be able to form some sort of emotional bond with said pet and remember to give it food and water and blah blah blah. He spent almost a week researching Earth animals, and after EDI explained that giraffes aren't exactly suited for life in space, he bought me Boo."

"Your miniature giant space hamster?"

"Yes."

Kasumi looked at the cheese on the table, and the fish net in her hands. Then she looked at the dust-smeared face of Shepard.

"I think I see where this is going."

"I didn't... lose him... per se," said Shepard. "He just... uh... decided to go exploring, in the manner of his kind."

"Hamsters are not particularly known for their penchant for exploration, Shepard. They weren't even the first Earth mammals in space."

Shepard scowled. "Boo is different. He yearned for a life of freedom, so whilst I was busy cleaning out the little hamster presents in his cage, he bolted. Made a dash for the door, overpowered me, and scurried into some dark corner. I think he got into the ventilation shafts, but I'm not sure." The Commander caught her bottom lip between her teeth, the very picture of guilty innocence. "Would you... umm... help me find him?"

"You want me to crawl around the air ducts at ridiculous o'clock in the morning to help you find a hamster that is probably already dead?"

Shepard's eyes welled up. "Don't say that! Boo isn't dead, he has a keen survival instinct! Besides, Garrus would be so disappointed if he learnt I'd killed the first pet he ever bought me. I want him to trust me, and to be confident in the knowledge that not everything I own ends up dead. Please, Kasumi? I'll do anything you ask!"

Kasumi sighed. Shepard was making those stupid sad puppy-dog eyes.

"Alright, Shepard," she said. "On one condition."

"And what's that?"

"You handle the cheese."