STRANGERS

Encore

No one ever knows what they've lost until it's gone, it's a pretty shitty reality.

There I was, sprinting down the block and cursing at myself as the best thing I'd ever known slipped through my grasp like sand in an hourglass. Every second that passed, a few more grains of white sand would escape, he would become farther from my desperate grasp and my hope would disintegrate until it approached near hopeless.

Fuck him… fuck me, dammit! I was such an idiot! I just let him leave without saying anything! Why couldn't I have just told him what I was feeling? Why couldn't I say that I wanted him to stay?

Of course not, I never say what I feel. He could have looked me in the eyes and declared his love to me and I would have just blown him off. In fact, that's exactly what I did. It was my profession, destroying happiness. It was the only thing I was good at and I never failed to kill of any sliver of sunlight that had crossed my path. I couldn't do it again, not this time, not to Antonio. I wasn't a genius but I knew a miracle when I met one. I knew that second chances were always rare occurrences and I knew that I loved Antonio.

I stopped only once and it was to notice the busker who had taken Antonio's place on the corner. The replacement was a young kid I had never seen before wielding a crumby acoustic guitar and singing much softer than the Spaniard. I dished ten euro from my pocket, an abnormally high donation, and dropped it in his case for good luck. I wasn't one for superstition but even I could use a little luck.

I tried once or twice to hail a cab but the streets were too busy and cabbies preferred to pick up friendly girls or young business men so when I finally stumbled onto the platform, his departure time had passed by twelve minutes. Antonio had chosen to leave by train because the idiot was afraid of flying and would instead meet Alfonso's friend in Northern Ireland and get a free ride to a ferry. Maybe he was already on his way.

I looked around for the boy everywhere, hoping he had missed it or that maybe the whole thing was a joke and he was actually at home having a nap. I punched his number into my cellphone only to be greeted by his answering machine. "Antonio?" I asked the phone. What would I say? I didn't know what to say! I didn't- "Stay…please." The words I meant to say were not the ones that had come out of my mouth. I ended the call and threw the phone back into my bag.

I called his name once or twice only to be ignored by the mass of luggage-bearing strangers with their noses in maps. Maybe he way already gone… maybe I had lost what I couldn't get back. Everyone was too god damn tall and I couldn't see over their god damn heads… and it was too god damn loud and even if Antonio was there, he wouldn't have heard me. Dammit! I began to cry with frustration, something I did all too often. I rubbed my rough jacket sleeve against my eyes until they were irritated and sore.

"Hey…" A voice called out. I ignored it because I didn't want some sappy do-gooder asking me what was wrong and telling me to follow my heart. "Lovi?" I looked up and saw Antonio in a train car, wrestling past the other passengers and hopping out onto the platform. "Lovi, why are you here?"

"What? I should be asking you the same thing!"

"I don't leave for another fifteen minutes. I didn't think you'd be so eager for me to go."

Dammit, Lovino, now's not the time to be difficult. "I'm not! That is…I just mean that I got to missing you some."

"I haven't left yet." He pointed out.

"Yeah, I just… I want you to stay here."

Surprisingly, he smiled sadly and touched my shoulder. "I can't stay because you want me to. I have two people who want me back in Spain, you're out voted."

"Where do you want to be?"

"I don't know… I thought that if I came here I would start a new life and I have but… maybe I should go back to where I'm wanted. If I'm not making something of myself here then I think I should take on some extra responsibility where it's needed."

"But you're wanted here!"

"By who?" He prodded.

"Your family…" Once I said that, he looked away with the same disappointment he had shown in the music shop when I couldn't admit that I would miss him. "And me. I want you here."

His smile returned but not nearly as happy or forgiving as usual. "You're stubborn. You ignore my confessions, you hide from my affection and yet you want me to drop everything to stay here with you?"

"Yes." I didn't know what else to say. It was selfish and stupid but it was the only sound my throat could make.

"I wish I could afford to take risks like that… I wish I had all the time in the world to figure you out and win you over but that's not the case. She wants me back at home and I want to be useful again."

"What should I say, Antonio?"

"Say you're okay with me leaving and that you'll be happy here on your own."

"I can't say that."

"Then say that you love me."

"What?"

"You heard me. Make me believe you're in for the long haul and maybe I'll change my mind."

"Antonio, I've only known you for one week."

"And yet I'm head-over-heels for you, that's the danger of it. You're the danger. You're incredible, I'm afraid that I'll only fall more hopelessly in love with you and never have my affection requited. I can't spend years arguing about what's friendship and what's burning desire."

"Give me time! Please, I don't even know myself!"

"Is ten minutes enough time for you?"

"Can you stay a little longer?"

"I can't wait on this anymore, Lovino. My love is the kind that has to be felt completely, I can't go on pretending like it doesn't exist."

"Why now though? Why do you have to do this to me now?" My frustration showed again in the most pathetic way possible, hot tears rolling down my cheeks.

"I believe this is what's called a crossroad." He held my cheek and used his thumb to rub away a tear. "I'll let you make the choice, Dearest Lovino. Should I get my bags or join them?"

"I…I… I'm so sorry…" I sobbed. We were now drawing attention.

"For what?"

"For making this so hard on us."

"It doesn't have to be hard." He leaned in, his breath soft, and pressed his warm lips against mine in a way that made my heart beat wildly and consumed my thoughts with nothing but desire and happiness. Dammit, it was true. I loved him.

He pulled away and looked into my eyes, asking silently for my answer, which I whispered as softly as I could under my breath.

Antonio closed his eyes as a relieved smile slid up his cheeks. "Say it again." He mumbled.

"I love you." I repeated, only the tiniest bit louder but blaringly loud to the Spanish boy who engulfed me I his arms and laughed richly.

"You're making a scene." I scolded, unable to hide my own weak smile.

"I'm happy, dammit." I thought there might be a twinge of emotion in his voice but he hid it well.

"You'll forgive me then?" I finally broke his hold and went back to nervously pulling at my hair.

"Soon. You caused a lot of trouble, you know that? But you're worth it. The heart-ache, the confusion, the frustration, even the packing and ticket were worth it. Now I have you, don't I?"

I diverted my eyes and blushed.

"Don't I?" He repeated.

"Dammit, Antonio. Nobody has me, I'm a grown-ass man! But I guess… if you want to talk more philosophically then yes, you…have me."

He kissed my forehead once then twice then three times and ran off, saying that he had to get his bags before they left with them. As I watched him clamber into the train car, I had my first good, deep, breath in a long time. Loving somebody is one of the most demanding responsibilities you can take on. For that reason, cowards like me blind themselves to the world and keep only fantasies for company. Antonio was a different kind of person, there was nothing he liked better than a challenge. He took confidence in his stride. If he decided to love somebody, he would do so with his whole heart and never fear the possibility of emotional wreckage.

My love for him was something of a ravenous disease. Granted, it was much more rose-tinted than you'd expect a disease to be but it was taxing and life-consuming none-the-less. I came to know it in the smallest infection, a scrape of the knee, a song to the heart. From there, it found its way into my bloodstream and resisted all my defenses until it had poisoned every inch of my being. It laid dormant in wait and attacked only when I felt the most confident.

It thrived on my desire to praised and my hysterical impulses to give and receive affection. It swelled with years of unsatisfied lust. It propelled itself from the ashes of those relationships which had caused only flame because there was a part of me that wanted vengeance on my own heart. There was a part of me that wanted to prove that I could be loved. I wanted to find the person who would convince me that I was important and special and treasured.

Antonio came into my life like a ravenous disease. He took everything in his path without asking and left me weak at his mercy. He threw me into emotional turmoil day after day. I should have feared him. I should have feared love but I didn't. Pain is addicting, I suppose. The kind of pain they call love. Or maybe… it's not pain at all but a disguised form of happiness…

"Okay, Lovi, I'm ready to go." He said, strolling up to me with two suitcases rolling behind him. "Y'know… if you want, you can move in with me and my family. The apartment seems cramped but it's just cozy."

"I don't think I could be within the close proximity of more than two people for longer than an hour."

"Well, I could move into your place too."

"No."

"Why? What are you afraid of?"

"Antonio… my life isn't friendly and pretty like yours is. It would drive you mad to live in my apartment."

"Fine, I'll get you a house and we can live there. How about that?"

"Can you really afford a house?"

"Not now, no, but after our second record we'll probably be able to get a nice one in the country."

"A second record?"

"Of course! I still have so many songs to sing!"

"What about Spain? Will they not miss you?"

"They didn't even know I was coming. I guess I was scared too, I was hoping you would stop me. I've already sent her a good amount of our profits, I doubt I could do much else for them."

"So what's left for us?"

"Of the profits?"

I shook my head, trying to conceal a smile. "Of everything else. Where do we go from here?"

"First, I have to leave my bags at home then we might as well celebrate."

"How?"

"I don't know…" He sighed teasingly. "Maybe we could go out for a cup of coffee, listen to good music, philosophize…get to know each other."

"Is that your way of trying to get into my pants?"

"You said it, not me."

I socked him in the arm and he laughed, kissing the top of my hair and bombarding me with flattery all the way back to him house.

Winning is a good feeling but you appreciate it best after a hard losing streak. After war, we realize how much we value peace and prosperity. After needing for so long, receiving is like the first breath after being strangled. Love, loss, and life are the three words that are hardest to understand. Someday, somebody will come by and you will not be expecting them. They will thrust you into a word of questions and you will seek only for the answers. You will want to know what life is and why we must love so deeply and only through that person will you be able to quench your thirst for answers.

I never decided to love Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, he was simply brought to me as I was brought to him and through that, we found our answers. In a world where we collide, were we choose to treasure or disregard the strangers we meet, I have never regretted my decisions for I have found my greatest story.

THE END