So... here it is guys... It's 4:15 AM here, and after hours of ugly sobbing, it's finally ready.

I hope it was worth the wait.

Thanks to everyone who was patient with me and read through my struggle. Truth is, this story was mostly about my own struggles, with everything that was going on in my life. The pain of being hit by the person you love most in the world, how after so many times you just break and go to your darkest places. Giving into the darkness, letting your demons take over your mind and feelings... feeling numb... getting suicidal... and then lashing out on the world around you, hurting anyone who's unfortunate enough to be close to you at the time, and the guilt that takes over you after that...

For Dean, there was salvation somewhere along the way... and i like to think we all get salvation too...

I was very worried about finishing this... scared of it even...

But with a little help from Led Zeppelin and after rewatching season 8, i finally did it.

Hope you like it.

And thanks to my amazing friend, Saba, for pushing me into starting this in the first place.

you rock sister!:*

Dean groaned as he pulled the first blade out of the hellhound's body, cleaning the black blood on his jacket. It didn't really matter if this time he was able to see the hound without the glasses. It didn't matter that he used the first blade to take care of the hound. It didn't matter that Sam wasn't there to catch him as his knees gave out and he fell to the muddy ground when he chanted the spell.

None of it mattered, because this was only the beginning and Dean was set to see this whole thing through. He was going to take every step and he was going to go through it alone.

He got to his feet, staring at the dead body on the ground for a moment before he put the blade back in his pocket. He didn't need to take care of the body. He was done here.

Dean could feel it happening. The trials changing him. It had only been two days since he did the first one, but he felt every little shift of emotions. He was calmer now, as he stepped inside the hell he had made himself. Normally, he'd be looking around and blaming himself for all the lives he had taken, for all the souls he had tortured to make this hidden passage. But now, he was just set on the task ahead of him.

He wondered if Sam had felt the same way, or if it was the mark, giving him the ability to feel everything so strongly.

Yes, he was tired, his hands were shaking, and he finally understood what Sam had meant when he talked about his batteries not getting charged, but he was also very sedated. Everything seemed so clear now.

For the first time in years, even decades, Dean was sure of what he was doing. He knew the catch, he knew the punch line, and he was in piece with it. He KNEW it was the right thing to do.

He smiled to himself, knowing exactly where to look for an innocent soul trapped in hell. He shifted on his feet, staring at the pale young boy in the cell he was standing in front of. Poor kid was curled up on himself, shielding himself from the imaginary demons that Dean knew for sure were haunting him.

Dean had first found him when he had been here as a demon. He figured Death had taken pity on him and Dean couldn't help but feel a wave of gratitude for the old creature. He was very glad that he hadn't tortured the kid like he did to most souls down here. He only wished someone had stopped him from hurting his other brother too.

He finally opened the cell door and stepped inside, praying to God, wherever he was, that the kid could still be saved. That he wasn't too late.

"Adam?" He whispered as he stepped forward and shook the boy's shoulder.

He wasn't surprised when his brother whined and jumped back, using his arms to protect himself as much as he could. But he WAS heartbroken. He knew Adam had been his responsibility and not only he had let the kid to die, twice, he had left him to rut here for all these years. Seven hundred and twenty years in hell.

Dean shivered at the idea and forced himself to talk again.

"Adam… This is not another torture… no tricks… It's really me…"

This time, Adam didn't move when Dean stepped closer to him.

"Come on kiddo, look at me. I'm here to-"

"Go away!" Adam spat out and Dean jumped in shock.

"Adam… It's me! Dean! John's son… your bro-"

"Don't you DARE say brother!" The kid growled under his breath, looking up, right at Dean now.

"What the…"

"You fucking bastard! So what if you're real? You let that asshole possess me! You let him take me! You saved Sam from the cage, but you let me rut in there, be the only toy left there for those… Guess I wasn't much of a brother to you then huh? And when I actually got out of that… you never even tried to get me out of here! You never once tried to save me! So don't you dare claiming to be my fucking brother because I don't need any of it now. I don't care what kind of trouble you're in, or what you want… You can go screw yourself for all I care."

Dean just stood there, staring at the kid, taking in every word as the gut wrecking punch it was meant to be. It hurt him to his core, how similar the kid was to his Sammy. And Dean had to try really hard to catch his breath.

"Listen… I don't need anything… Adam… I'm so sorry that it took me so long… I… There is nothing I can ever say or do to make it up to you… I know that… But kiddo… It has never been like that. I couldn't get you out of the cage. I only could save one of you and…"

"And you chose Sam." The younger Winchester finished for him, staring him in the yes, daring Dean to deny it.

"I didn't know you were out Adam… I swear if I had known…" Dean tried desperately, he had to fix this. He had to.

"It doesn't matter… You didn't…" Adam shrugged turning his back on Dean again.

Dean sighed, trying to collect his thoughts, decide how to approach the kid.

"Adam… I'm here to get you out… I can't actually bring you back to life but I can get you to heaven and… Please… let me do this…"

"Why? Why now Dean? Why after all these years? It won't change anything…"

Dean could actually hear his heart break, he had done this little boy so wrong that he didn't know where to start apologizing.

"It will… It changes a lot of things…" Dean sighed. "If you stay here, sooner or later, you will turn into a demon Adam… But I can get you to heaven, you can find your mom, dad, you can find so many people you know there, you just have to get to Ash, my friend. Please kiddo… let me do this for you…"

"What's in it for you Dean? I'm not letting you do anything until I know why you're doing it. I've learned my lesson. The Winchester boys only care about each other, they don't save anyone else unless it has a use to them." Adam said, a dark tone to his voice and the words hit Dean hard. What? That… Did everyone think like that?

'Focus' he told himself, steadying himself, deciding to give Adam what he wanted. Fine. The kid could hate Dean all he wanted, Dean didn't really blame him either. Everyone should hare Dean like that really. He was just a fuck up. He used to feel like he actually made the world a better place, by fighting and trying to save people.

He has long passed that time.

"I'm closing the gates of hell Adam. For good. No more demons on earth, nothing to possess people… But to do that I need to save you from here first. One because I can't let you stay in hell forever, and two because well you're actually innocent and the second step is saving an innocent soul from hell. So, now you know my intentions, can we please leave?"

But Adam was still not moving, just staring up at him.

"How are you even here?" Apparently the insanity of what Dean said had set off something in Adam's head, making him suspicious.

"It's a long ass story… I promise I will tell you, after we get out of here, ok? Please…" Dean was begging now, ready to just fall to his knees right there. He had no idea why but Adam finally nodded, holding out his hand so Dean could help him up, and Dean jumped forward, getting the boy to his feet.

He decided not to talk anymore, unless Adam asked, and they took back the path he'd come from, leaving the cell behind them. To Dean's surprise, no one stooped them on their way out, and they made it to his hidden portal, the one he had made himself.

He stepped aside, letting Adam see where they were.

"You should go first. This way I can protect you if anything tried to stop us." He said as he took out his blade, ready to fight.

Adam looked at him for a second, weighing his options, and he finally decided to trust Dean, turning around to go through the portal.

Dean watched as the kid disappeared, setting off to follow him.

He could feel all the questions Adam had in his head and he knew it was going to be a long night.

"So?" Adam asked as soon as they were out, walking towards the black Impala he remembered his big brother possessing.

Dean turned around, watching Adam as he crossed his hands over his chest, clearly hinting that he wasn't going to leave just like that. He really wanted answers.

He clasped his hands together, half sitting on the Impala's hood.

"Well, about three years ago, Sam and I decided to take on a series of trials to close the gates of hell, after we found a demon tablet. There are apparently tablets for all the creations. Demons, angels, leviathan, anything you can think of… It was supposed to be me, who took on the trials, but somehow… It fell on Sam. We found out belatedly that if he went through with them all, he'd die. So I made him stop. Then about a year and a half ago, I met Cain, the one from Abel and Cain. He… uh… he gave me this mark…" Dean paused, rolling his sleeve up so Adam could see the mark.

"It kinda makes you go crazy and kill everyone… Then an angel killed me, and I became a demon. A knight of hell actually… This is a while ago. That's when I came down here and made the passage we just used. Then, about two weeks ago, Sam cured me. Made me a human again. But… I still have the mark and either way it won't end pretty…"

Adam was staring at Dean, eyes wide and Dean could tell, the kid was having a hard time believing this.

"So I decided to take on the trials myself. I will die and I won't be able to harm any human ever again. I found you in hell when I was a demon, and clearly I didn't… I did a lot of bad things Adam… and I'm sorry it took me so long to come and find you… But now, you can be free…"

Adam glanced away, sighing as he shook his head.

"You really became a demon?" He finally asked after a few minutes of dead silent.

"Yeah… and consider yourself lucky that I didn't pay attention to you then… Sam wasn't so lucky…" Dean said, a sad smile on his face.

"Where is he now?"

"He's uh… I told them that I will go solo on this one… it feels right…"

Adam just nodded, finally looking convinced.

"And you need me to go to heaven for these trials to be complete?"

Dean nodded, smiling at his youngest brother.

"Alright then… I'm ready to go… do what you have to…"

Dean nodded again, pulling out a piece of paper with the spells on it out of his pocket and he started chanting them.

He felt the pain take over his body as he watched his brother's figure turn into light and move high, he clutched at his stomach, clenching his teeth to hold back his cry of agony.

The pain seemed so much more than what Sam had shown. Dean wasn't sure if Sam had kept it all inside or if the pain was worse for Dean because there was more to purify in him. He desperately hoped that it was the later.

"Son of a bitch…" He grunted as he forced himself to straighten up and he moved to sit in the driver seat.

For the first time in a long time, he longed for Sam. He needed his brother so badly, he could feel it in his bones. He longed for just a smile, or even a shout. Anything… He would even settle for Sam's smell.

Or his voice.

He fished out his phone, ignoring the voice in his head telling him this was a very bad idea.

It took Sam a few seconds but as soon as he did, Dean felt a wave of ease wash over him.

"Dean?" Sam's voice was urgent, alert, as if he knew exactly how wrecked Dean was feeling. Or maybe it was just a week of not knowing where Dean was. Or if he was still alive.

"Sammy…" Dean choked out, holding the phone up to his ear despite the pain in his lungs and stomach.

"Oh thank God Dean… you're alive… where are you? Are you hurt?"

Dean let his head rest on the back of seat, his free arm wrapping around his body. He coughed a few times, feeling his lungs tear apart.

"'m fine Sammy… just needed to hear your voice… You ok kiddo?" He couldn't tell which one of them was more surprised at Dean's choice of words.

"Yeah Dean… just worried sick about you…" Sam paused for a second and Dean could almost see him collapsing on a chair nearby.

"Listen Dean… I've been looking and maybe there is a way for you to get rid of that mar…"

"Sammy… It's too late kiddo… you gotta let me go little brother…" Dean cut his brother short.

"No! Dammit Dean would you just listen to me for a second?" Sam shut back, sounding desperate.

"Sammy… I'm already two trials in this thing… There's no going back and you know it better than I do…"

Sam was quiet for a second before he started talking again.

"How bad is it?"

Dean chuckled sadly, wincing as a new wave of pain hit his guts.

"I think you already know the answer to that question Sammy…"

"Dammit Dean… Why… Why couldn't you just trust me for once in your life? Why didn't you let me find a way to…" Sam took a breath, steadying his voice.

"You think you're the only one who needs his brother?"

"Sammy… we both know you can live without me… I can't kiddo… truth is, even without the mark, I can't go on anymore. I'm done Sammy… for good…"

Dean paused a few seconds for his words to make their effect.

"I'm sorry Sammy… For everything. I just called to hear your voice once again before I…"

Dean had always hated goodbyes.

"Screw you Dean… I can't believe you're doing this to me again…"

For a brief moment, Dean could hear his five year old little brother over the phone, and for that brief second, it felt like nothing had ever changed between them. Like Sam still trusted Dean and loved him.

But Dean was wiser than to fall for it this time around. He wasn't going to let an illusion stop him from what he had started.

"You're gonna be fine kiddo… I'm gonna take care of all these bastards and you finally get to have that normal life of yours." Dean paused for a second, sighing as he closed his eyes, picturing Sammy's perfect features in his mind.

"You're gonna make beautiful babies Sammy… Maybe one of them will look like his uncle Dean…" He chuckled sadly again, continuing when Sam didn't answer him.

"Sammy? Can you… when you tell them about me, tell them the good stuff I did ok? Don't tell them how I screwed up everything good you ever had… don't tell them about what I did in hell…" Dean laughed halfheartedly.

"Tell them I was Batman…"

Dean wasn't sure if he had been crying before or did it just start when he heard Sam's choked sob on the other end of the line, but for the first time in a long time, he let his brother hear him cry.

"Dean…" Sam whispered in between his attempts for taking control over his breathing and Dean knew he'd try and change Dean's mind, so he cut his little brother once more.

"Goodbye Sam…" And he hung up, turning his phone off before Sam could call back.

He'd said his goodbye and he really didn't need anything else now. He already had a demon in his trunk. All he needed was a church and confession, and he was golden.

He was gonna make sure no kid had to have a childhood like his little Sammy's.

"I don't really know if anyone will be listening but, here it goes… I've never done this before, so I'm not sure how it goes…" Dean paused, looking down at his hands, telling himself not to think of the last time he was in this building. Not to think about how he'd almost lost his baby brother here for good.

"I have sinned… there's just so much that I wouldn't know where to start with. You probably already know all of them, I never really understood what the point of confession is …"

He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"For a long time, I didn't believe in you… I couldn't believe in you… It was much easier, because I could tell myself that all there is, was chaos and evil and life would go on… Maybe a part of me always believed in you and hated you… for taking away mom, and for changing dad… for what was happening to Sammy… and for what I'd lost. And then you chose ME and I remember at first I was so hopeful… it felt like I wasn't alone, like there was someone who cared about me and the people and then I learned you didn't really give a damn… You see, I have sinned a lot, but I'm just a man, and that means it's in my nature… who do you confess to? Who do you ask for forgiveness for everything you ever did to us? How can you begin to make up for creating us and then leaving us to suffer like this? What is your excuse for your sins?" Dean sighed again, feeling stupid for ever even attempting this.

But he had to go through with it, so fuck it. He'd just have to try.

"Please forgive me, for what I did in hell, and for all the suffering I caused on earth. Forgive me for letting down my father, for not being able to protect the ones around me like I promised. Forgive me for Ash, Ellen and Jo, Bobby, Rufus, Tessa, Benny, Kevin, Chuck, mom, Deana and Samuel, Henry, dad… Forgive me for Lisa and Ben…" Dean took a deep breath, forcing himself to go on.

"I need forgiveness, for what I did to my brother. For keeping him in this shitty life and for not saving him when I had the chance. I was selfish, and afraid of going through it alone. I ask to be forgiven for wanting him in every way, for needing him more than air. For holding on to him so tightly he lost his own way. For letting him down again and again and for betraying his trust… Please forgive me…"

He slid a hand down his face, getting to his feet and feeling like crap. How did this help anyone feel better about themselves was beyond him.

Sam jumped as his phone went off in the library and almost tripped over his own feet three times before he got to it and answered. It was Cas.

"Cas, what do you got?"

"I found him Dean. I heard his confession. He's in the same church you had taken Crowley to for the third trial."

Sam didn't even bother to say thanks before he shut his phone and was out of the bunker, driving to save his brother.

He was going to do it this time.

Dean tried to steady himself on his feet as he walked to the demon in the devils trap to inject the last dose of blood. It was gonna work. His confession must have been good enough then.

He dropped the needle, reaching in his pocket and fishing out a bloody piece of paper, reading the words with a steady calm voice. He knew he was going to succeed. He felt it in his bones.

"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, hanc animam redintegra, lustra." He chanted, taking out his old favorite pocket knife to cut his hand.

"DEAN!" He jumped as he heard Sam's voice, calling for him in that voice, almost dropping the knife in favor of running to his little brother. But he knew better.

He grunted in pain as he cut his hand, dropping the knife and stepping forward, slapping his bloody hand to the demon's mouth and watched as the demon cried and screamed, turning back into human.

"DEAN WAIT…" He heard Sam's loud yelling from outside the church and closed his eyes, almost glad Sam would be there in the last minutes of his life.

"Kah-nuh-ahm-dahr"

As soon as he said the last word, he felt the pain take over him, like fire was pumping through his veins instead of blood. He was barely aware that his knees hit the floor, as he collapsed and just before he hit the ground completely, he felt strong hands catch him, gathering him into a warm hold.

It smelled like Sammy.

"Sammy…" He choked the word out, spitting blood all over his brother's hands.

"Shhh…It's ok big brother… it's gonna be ok… I'm here… I gotcha…" He heard Sam whisper and he forced his eyes open, glancing up at his brother. It took him a few beats to realize who was standing behind Sam and he felt even lighter than before.

"Cas…" he choked out again, his eye falling shut again as the pain got worse inside him.

It was like he could feel as every demon was dragged back down under, feeling their pain with them, and it was… well, hell.

"Dean… God… Please… please don't die Dean… I can't lose you again… not now…" Sam whispered, his tears washing over his face and falling on Dean's bloody face, washing him clean like rain.

"It's… for… the best…" Dean forced out, looking up at him again, tears leaving his own eyes.

"No… no Dean it's not… Please…" It broke Dean's heart, the pain of seeing his brother so broken, so scared, more than what he was feeling physically even then.

"Dean… please… you need to live, so we can figure things out… Dean… I need you… I want that normal life WITH YOU!" Sam was sobbing now, holding Dean tightly in his arms.

"Come on… you can fight this Dean… please… Look, the mark is gone, you have to fight and stay with me… We can make a new life… we can be together Dean… please… please…" Sam kept babbling, feeling his whole body shake with ugly sobs. Somehow, this time, it was worse than ever. Maybe because this time, Sam actually knew Dean wouldn't be back again. Or maybe because he now knew the truth about Dean's feelings.

He didn't care. He just wanted Dean to live.

"CAS! DO SOMETHING! HEAL HIM!" he yelled at the angel behind him, fear spreading through his veins as Dean's breathing became harder and his brother started shaking more.

"Sam… you know that I can't…" The angel answered, sounding just as broken as he was feeling.

For the first time in a long time, he could see it again. He could see why this boy, this beautiful creature, with all his faults, was the righteous man.

He didn't know angels could cry until that second.

"Cas…" Dean said, his voice just a little above a whisper.

"I'm…sorry… for… everything…" A long pause filled with chocked breathing sounds.

"And… thank you…" He closed his eyes, pain written all over his face.

"Sammy… you gotta… promise me… something…" He opened his eyes, begging Sam silently not to interrupt him. And Sam could feel himself dying every second he watched his brother like this.

"When you have a kid…name him after me… don't forget me kiddo…" Dean coughed, painting Sam's hands in red but Sam was blind to anything but those green eyes by this moment, his ugly sobs shaking them even more.

"Dean…no… you can't fucking say goodbye to me! I won't let you… please Dean… please… you are gonna live through this and we will both have kids and we will tell them how you are a hero… Dean, please…" Sam wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore.

"I… Love you…" Dean said, a faint smile on his bloody lips, before his body gave one last shake, falling limp in Sam's lap.

Sam felt the earth standing still.

Dean was gone.

This time, for good.

Castiel stood back, tears painting his face, as he watched Sam Winchester hold his brother's corpse and cry like no one had in the history of the humanity. He kept babbling little words, chocked pleads.

The righteous man was now gone.

This time for good.