While Looking for Her

Chapter 1

Merlin struggles with the two men who are holding him in a tight grip, unable to free himself to help Arthur. He watches helplessly as Arthur wields his sword against two opponents at once. As one falls, another appears to battle Arthur, and Merlin sees that more are on their way. The fight looks hopeless. He cannot allow Arthur to fall this way, here in the forest in the middle of nowhere, unmarked and unremembered. As one of Arthur's assailants raises his sword to deliver a fatal blow, Merlin reaches for his magic buried deep inside. He has to protect Arthur. His eyes burn golden, and all of the attackers, his and Arthur's, are flung backwards, dead. Arthur, still swinging his sword, spins around to see Merlin's golden eyes returning to their normal blue, and yells in anger and fear, "You're a sorcerer!" Arthur's sword continues on its trajectory towards Merlin as Merlin screams, "Arthur! No!" and wakes, his heart pounding, gasping for breath.

He is in his own bed in the small room in the chambers he shares with Gaius. It's not yet near dawn, but Merlin doesn't think he'll be able to fall back asleep. He shivers from the sweat drying on his skin. Merlin is shaken to his core. "Where did that come from?" he wonders. "Would Arthur really kill me so easily if he found out?"

He has been Arthur's manservant for more than two years, and feels that he has earned some measure of the Prince's trust and friendship. But obviously something deep down in him still fears that Arthur will react as he's been taught by his father all his life – that sorcerers are evil and should be executed. Merlin shivers again in the night air, not with the cold but with the knowledge that Arthur could very well be the instrument of Merlin's death if his secret were revealed. No one can ever know.

He leans over the side of his bed swinging down to retrieve his magic book from its hiding place in the floor. He remembers the riches of the library that he found on the Western Isles and wishes that he had been able to bring home that book of healing that Galapas had given him. He knew at the time that it would be too dangerous to have a book of magic among his few meager possessions when he followed Arthur home. Even Arthur might have noticed. For now, he has only this book, and what Gaius can teach him. But the magic in the book soon captures his soul, and he loses himself in his reading. He doesn't try to fall back asleep.

xXx

A few hours later, Merlin's in Arthur's rooms flinging open the drapes by the windows in the bedchamber, flooding the room with bright morning sunlight. "Rise and shine!" he sings out.

"Mmph," he hears from the vicinity of the bed.

"Are you mumbling at me? Wake up!"

"Go away," Arthur says from deep within the bed covers.

"Your breakfast is on the table," Merlin says. "Whenever you're ready."

"Cold as usual, I assume." Arthur stumbles out of bed to go behind the changing screen as Merlin hands him his red tunic.

"Well, you have to get up very early in the morning if you want a hot breakfast, Sire." Merlin tells him with a grin. "A lot earlier than I do."

xXx

Arthur sweeps his sword above his head to work up momentum before aiming for his target. The movement helps strengthen his sword arm and improves flexibility in his wrist. Merlin watches from a bench off to the side near the ramparts, while he runs the whetstone over one of Arthur's daggers. He's always thought that Arthur was a bit of a show off when he did that: a move meant to intimidate rather than to gain any physical advantage. But still, he does recognize the value of repetitive movement to build strength and agility.

Merlin's learned quite a lot in the time he's been in Camelot, if only from watching Arthur and his knight go through their drills. Arthur tells him little about the practicalities of military training, but Merlin is observant. He has no interest in learning it for himself; he's confident that his magic will protect him – and Arthur – without the need to engage in actual physical combat. Yet Merlin yearns for the respect that Arthur bestows so generously on his fellow knights because of their combat skills. He craves the trust that Arthur offers his comrades in arms without question. And sometimes he despairs that Arthur will ever know him for who he really is and accept his magic. His dream from the night before still haunts him. So he watches, if only to understand the code of honor and skill that Arthur values.

Merlin is torn from his reverie when he spies a figure come onto the training ground. It's a bright sunny day, so he has to raise a hand to shade his eyes to see who is approaching to speak to Arthur. He recognizes Robert, a young page in Uther's household. Robert calls out to the prince, who disengages from sparring with Sir Lionel to hear his message. At a summoning gesture from Arthur, Merlin gets to his feet and saunters over.

"Merlin, gather my things," Arthur says. "I need to attend the King on an urgent matter." Merlin pockets the whetstone and hands Arthur the dagger.

Arthur grabs the dagger and slots it in his sword belt with a nod, and then lopes off the training field, heading into the castle. Merlin gathers Arthur's cloak and shield, and follows Arthur, trailing a few steps behind.

"What do you suppose he wants?" Merlin asks.

"Well, we'll find out soon enough, won't we?" Arthur snaps. "Shut up and keep walking."

When they enter the throne room, Arthur strides down the length of it in the center of the room, while Merlin slips behind the courtiers gathered at the sides, making his way to stand next to Gaius.

Arthur takes his accustomed place to stand the right of his father. He looks toward the window, to his father's left and feels keenly Morgana's absence. She's been missing for more than six months now. He vividly remembers bursting into the bare council room after the Knights of Medhir inexplicably collapsed, to see Morgana gasping for breath, held in Morgause's arms, Merlin hovering over them looking tormented. Then that swirling wind swept the two women away into thin air. There had been magic at work that day – dark magic – that Morgause used to steal Morgana from them. Arthur and the Knights of Camelot have been searching for her since, chasing down hints of rumors that Morgana had been sighted.

Arthur reins in his memories, and focuses his attention on the man standing facing the King, next to Sir Bors, Uther's chamberlain. The man appears to be a poor shepherd, dressed in rough woolens and a sheepskin vest. He stands with his head bent in fear of the King, yet eager to deliver his message in the hopes of a reward. Sir Bors puts his hand on the man's shoulder to encourage him.

"Tell us why you told my chamberlain you had to speak to us personally," Uther commands the man standing in front of him.

"I . . uh, Your Majesty . . uh," he starts.

"Out with it, man," Uther interrupts impatiently.

"Yes, my Lord." The shepherd licks his lips nervously and takes a deep breath. "I live in the village of Tomtun, which is over the border from Camelot, in Mercia. I was tending my flock on the eastern slopes when I saw them in the distance."

"Who?" Uther demands.

"Two women. On horseback. Riding east." Uther makes an impatient gesture with his hand, directing the man to get on with his tale. "One of my dogs, a young one, not fully trained, spotted the riders and ran toward them barking. One of the women turned in her saddle, and put down her hood. She held out her hand and my dog was silenced. I saw her blond hair and her face – it was the Priestess Morgause."

"And the other woman," Arthur interjects. "What of her?"

"I don't know, Sire. She sat quietly on her horse, and did not reveal her face. I saw only dark hair escaping from under her hood."

"Morgana," Uther breathes. "It must be." He sits down, as if his legs could hold him upright no longer.

"Father, we must go after her," Arthur asserts.

"Yes." Uther agrees. "Take a small group of knights to investigate and report back if you cannot rescue her."

Sir Bors steps forward. "Sire," he says, "If I may speak?"

Uther looks at him and nods his assent.

Bors looks grim as he speaks. "We need to find her before they reach the capital. Bayard may capture her and try to use her to gain information about the citadel's defenses. He's never been much of a friend to Camelot, and even less so since that incident with the poisoned chalice."

"Sir Bors is right," Arthur says. "We must rescue her and bring her home before Morgana is found by Bayard."

Merlin hears this, and thinks, "It can't be! She's alive?" He is terrified of what Uther's reaction would be to the revelation that he poisoned Morgana, should she be found and rescued. "Morgana is dead. I killed her. I'm sure of it."

"Leave at dawn," Uther commands.

xXx

Later, after he has made arrangements with the kitchens for food and Master Seward for the horses for the trip, Merlin is in Arthur's chambers, packing his saddlebags. Arthur is standing by the window, with a goblet of water in his hand. "Have you got everything, Merlin?" he asks.

"You've already checked it twice." Merlin says, "Shall I unpack so you can check again?"

Arthur snorts, but doesn't answer. He looks distracted.

Merlin says quietly, "Arthur, are you sure this is something we should be doing? She's been gone almost a year. How could she have survived?"

"Yes, Merlin. I'm sure." Arthur answers. "She survived. I know she did. She's stronger than everyone thinks. We will find her.