Written for the April Competition in Aria's Afterlife, for bluekrishna. I hope you all have fun :) At least I had, writing it :D

Chapter 1

"Garrus Vakarian and Kaidan Alenko, please report to the CIC. Garrus Vakarian and Kaidan Alenko, please." the Comm. Unit droned, resonating with Joker's best singsong voice.

Normally he wouldn't pull off coups like that, out of fear for broken bones, but today was a special occasion. The Commander Shepard herself had decided that these two deserved, neigh, needed an intervention.

Both males arrived at the same time in the CIC, both a little grumbling about missing out on precious shore leave on the Citadel, and about missing out on outsmarting their rival in love, which meant each other.

Little did they know that today, their feud about Shepard would come to an end.

Or so it had been decided in the Commander's cabin.

Joker himself was never invited, but a few select female friends Jane Shepard had acquired over the years had begun strategizing and discussing, and they had come up with a plan.

Jane Shepard stepped out of the elevator and strutted purposefully towards the two squabblers.

She opened up her omni-tool and seconds later, Garrus' and Kaidan's began chiming.

"This address. One hour. Go."

The two shared an unsure look before taking off as if a Rachni soldier was after them.

Shepard looked after them with an amused smile before putting her hand up to her ear. "Everything in position, Sushi? Marks are on their way."

"Sushi here, marks have just passed security. While we're at it: really, Shepard? Why did you give me of all people that name?"

"I always wanted to give that name to someone, and it wouldn't have been politically correct to give it to Kasumi. So suck it up, Miranda, and keep following them."

"Aye aye, Shepard." came the reluctant response.

Almost exactly an hour later…

"This is the address Shepard gave us?" Kaidan asked incredulously.

They stood in front of a giant warehouse, and it gave him the creeps.

This alley was shady. Not only metaphorically. They needed the flashlight app for their omni-tools to see anything. And above all of that, the entrance was locked.

"If you're not up for it, you can still go back to the Normandy." Garrus quipped, followed by Kaidan flipping him off.

The turian chuckled, but jerked back when the door symbol in front of him turned green with a soft ding.

"Scared of a door, aren't we?" the biotic rebutted with a smirk.

Garrus grumbled under his breath, no doubt turian profanities, and entered the almost completely dark warehouse.

They both didn't see the many pairs of eyes watching. Neither did they notice the gruesome machine lying dormant.

"Well, well… what have we here?" a loud voice drawled, booming out of the loudspeakers that were all over the place.

Both men jumped in shock, but they calmed somewhat when they recognized the distorted voice as Shepard's.

"Why did you let us come here?" Garrus asked.

"Because I want to play a game…" the answer bellowed. Then Shepard started giggling. Outright giggling! Shepard!

Kaidan was confused. "What?"

"Oh, nothing. Just some funny old movies I like." she said with a sigh. "But that's basically why you are here today. You two are after me, and it's grating on the nerves of the crew. Me included. This has to end. And it will end today. Or maybe tomorrow, depending on your… particular skills."

"Skills in what?" they questioned in unison. There's not much in which he can take me in a fair fight… both thought with confidence. Soon Shepard will be mine alone…

"Actually, I have to thank Kasumi for… acquiring… this ingenious contraption. It was used centuries ago, back on earth." She paused for a second. "Sometimes, it was used to determine a man's value in her culture. Which is what we will be doing today."

She fell silent, and a giant floodlight illuminated what she had mentioned.

It was inscribed all over it's inanimate body, icons incomprehensible to sane bystanders, and above all throned the still dark neon sign with the dreadful words they would learn to fear.

KARAOKE MACHINE.

I doubt I will be able to finish it in time, but I thought it would be a waste not to post it. So here it is. Maybe I got a laugh out of you already. I certainly hope so ;)