Author's Note: Hi, remember me? You probably try not to. I'm Dilly-Oh, the sick bitch who has had so much fun disemboweling classic Animes such as Escaflowne, Blood +, Blue Exorcist, and several of the Street Fighter films, transfiguring them into laughter-inducing parodies filled with dumb. I had thought to take a break from parodies for a while, to collect myself and let my funny-mojo simmer. But that didn't last very long. For lo, there in the distance, I saw something I wanted to parody…and I could not contain myself! So, with great pride, here is my next monstrosity- I mean…masterpiece!

Disney's Frozen!

I liked the film, but only after the second or third time watching it, started to write down my silly thoughts, and thus was this born. This is only the first part of the fic, so expect more on the way! Not every song from the film is included, but the ones that are have been…'revised' for comedic effect. Any singing is done in italics, so just remember to read them to the same beat/rhythm as the actual song, and they come out right! Now please, read and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Frozen. Disney is damn LUCKY.

Frostbite: A Frozen Parody

Part 1

Clear lake water bubbled beneath a thick layer of ice, peacefully serene. A pair of thick-soled boots walked overhead, causing the ice to creak softly beneath the weight. A sharp saw suddenly punched through into the water beneath, the tool chewing easily through the many inches of ice with its sharp, serrated teeth.

Atop the frozen layer, a row of rugged men dressed in thick woolen clothing worked as one, the pull and push of their saws setting a rhythm that they sang to in deep, sonorous voices. …They should quit cutting ice and cut an album instead. I'd seriously buy that shit.

Born of cold and elements

And other junk combining!

This freezing crap that we all hate

Is misery defining!

More men pulled out long iron prongs, which they used to pry the ice apart and push the smaller pieces down a line in the now open water. A little blond boy moved eagerly to join the men, sharing a carrot with the reindeer calf trotting at his side.

Icy cold, it freezes our nards!

Those beautiful, awful, crystal shards!

Fate has dealt us these bad cards!

Screw this stupid job!

But we need the money, *Sob!*

The boy stood at the end of the line of grunting men and took out a small saw, quickly cutting out a chunk of ice…right beneath one unlucky man's feet. He went down in a splash of flailing limbs, sputtering for air and gasping at the shocking cold. The men were too busy singing to hear his desperate cries for help. The boy swore and scrambled to fish him out.

Awful!

Terrible!

Like an ex!

To the bone!

Ice is a bitch, won't leave you alone!

Stronger than boy, stronger than man!

Stronger than a PMS-ing woman!

Huge draft horses hauled large sleds alongside the men, who used ice tongs to pull the ice free of the water and load them onto the open backs. The boy wasn't having much luck, the man having gone under for some time. He pulled out his own pair of ice tongs and began stabbing at the water randomly.

Born in ways that we don't get

And weather all entwining!

This icy crud that we all loathe

Is forever undermining!

As darkness fell over the frozen lake, the men continued their hard work and song, cutting and splitting the ice into blocks. The boy had caught the drowned man's head in his tongs, and the reindeer snagged a boot in its mouth. Working together, they dragged him out of the freezing water.

This song is symbolic, nothing more!

You won't understand, 'less you've seen this before!

We mean the ice in Anna's coeur

Or maybe Elsa's heart?

Now on to the next paaaaart!

The men climbed atop the heavily laden ice-sleds as the horses snorted and began to haul them home.

"Hurry, Sven! I think a finger just broke off!" The boy threw the man's limp form onto his own small sled and hopped on, the reindeer calf tugging them forward to follow the others. They caught up to the men at the next hill, and quite understandably, they were NOT happy.

"HEY! This poor man's nards are frozen solid! Were you NOT listening to our song?!"

"What've you DONE, Kristoff?!"

"We will see your ass in court!"

"No, I'll see yours!" Kristoff snapped back, crossing his arms. "Ever heard of child labor laws?!"

The men all immediately went quiet.

"…We didn't see anything," one finally muttered.

"Buh-"

"Shut up and get on the sleds, men, gogogo!" They piled back on the sleds with their friend's body and were quickly pulled away.

"Oh yeah! Saved it!" Kristoff and Sven bumped heads in triumph. "Ow your horns are getting pointy owww-" He paused. "Dang, I shoulda asked for hush money, too."

-Elsewhere-

The northern lights bloomed across the night sky, playing with the stars in a vivid array of colors. Beneath that magnificent display, the modest kingdom of Arendelle slept. Made up of small, humble houses tucked amongst the mountains and a wide lake, the town was dominated by an impressive castle with peaked roofs. In that very castle, a young blond girl lay in bed, sleeping.

"Psst! Elsa!"

…Or at least TRYING to.

"Psst!" A younger girl with her reddish-brown hair in pigtails peeked over the edge of her sister's bed, then clambered up onto the blankets. "Elsa! Wake up!

"Unngh! Go to sleep, Anna!" Elsa groaned, burying her head beneath her pillow.

"I can't!" Anna flopped over on top of her and wriggled around. "The sky's awake, so I'm awake!" She blinked. "Plus I drank some of daddy's coffee-"

"Anna!" Elsa cried sharply.

"Whaaat?"

"…You're supposed to SHARE!"

"Oh, but I AM!" Anna giggled and held up a mug of steaming coffee. Elsa smiled back.

…They are gonna be bouncing off the WALLS.

"Wanna build a snowman?" Anna asked as Elsa gulped down the hot coffee. She lowered the cup, eyes wide and trembling a little.

"I wanna build TEN!"

The girls snuck downstairs in their nighties, easily dodging the many trip-cords, bear-traps and lava-pits the King had laid out for intruders and salesmen. They crept into a vast, empty ballroom, giggles echoing off the walls.

"Do the magic, do the magic!" Anna urged excitedly, jittering from the caffeine.

"Okay, okay!" Elsa dramatically reached out a hand and…pulled a quarter from behind her sister's ear. "…Ta-dah!"

"No! I meant the other magic!" Anna protested.

"You mean the one where I put my fist in my mouth?"

"No, the ICE one!" Anna eyed the quarter. "…Can I keep that-"

"Mmmph-mmph," Elsa said around her fist, forking it over. Once she finally got her hand free (with Anna's help), she held it up, and blue sparks sprang to life, rising into the air and bursting into a shower of snow. Anna crowed happily, dancing amidst the falling flakes.

"Yaaaay! I can't feel my toes!"

The two girls played together in the rapidly-accumulating snow, rolling it into balls and making a squat snowman. Elsa chuckled and ducked behind it, talking in a goofy voice.

"Hi, I'm Olaf, and I love warm hugs!"

"Aww!" Anna giggled, sitting on the throne.

"AND TENDER CHILD'S FLESH-"

"AUUUUUGH!" She shot for the stairs.

"No Anna wait I'm sorry come back I won't do it again!"

They skated on the icy floor, slid down snowy hills, and gulped down several more cups of coffee to fuel their play. Hyped up on the caffeine rush, Anna began to leap from snow mound to snow mound, Elsa creating another pile to catch her as she fell.

"Anna, wait!" Elsa cried, struggling to keep up. "Calm down!"

"Whee! I can fly!"

"No you can't! We didn't drink Red Bull! Wait!"

Elsa suddenly slipped on the ice beneath her feet, and an icy blast of her power struck Anna in the head. The little girl fell to the ground, still and lifeless.

"ANNA!" Elsa gasped, running to her side. "You are at least partly to blame for this! I am NOT going down alone!" Her eyes widened as a lock of Anna's hair turned white. "…Wow that looks kinda cool maybe I should hit you again-" When Anna didn't respond, panic set in. "Momma, poppa! HELP!" Elsa dissolved into tears, and the room around her froze solid as her powers spread in her upset.

"Elsa!" The King and Queen burst through the frozen doors and ran to her. "What've you done?!"

"I'm sorry, it was an accident-"

"Young lady, I told you NOT to touch the thermostat! Look at all the snow in here!" The King threw his hands up in exasperation. "This rug is ruined! It will take forever to dry and the bill-"

"You are in time out, missy!" the Queen chided, shaking a finger at her.

"NO!" Elsa shouted at them. "I was using my ice powers and I hurt Anna!"

"…Ah." The Queen stopped, blinking. "…She might be a bit…harder…to replace."

"Not THAT hard," the King chuckled, winking at her.

"Dear, NOT NOW."

"Right. Daughter dying. Sorry."

"She's as cold as ice!" the Queen gasped as she took Anna in her arms.

"I know where we have to go," the King said with utmost certainty.

Several minutes later, the family stood in the castle's expansive kitchen, in front of the blazing oven.

"NO," the Queen said firmly, holding Anna tight.

"…But don't you think it'll-" the King began.

"We are not COOKING our child!"

"FINE!" The king huffed. "…I suppose we could go see the Trolls."

"…Do the Trolls have ovens?" Elsa asked worriedly.

"No, honey, they don't," the Queen assured her, and soon they were riding out of the castle on horses, a trail of ice in their wake, courtesy of Elsa. They rode through the sleeping town and into the darkened woods, passing Kristoff and Sven in their rush. The boy gaped at the shimmering trail they left behind.

"Maybe NOW I'll get my hush money!" He jumped on Sven's back and shot after them. A short ride later, he hopped back off and snuck close amongst some mossy boulders to watch as the royal family approached a clearing, more boulders and rocks dotting the ground.

"Please, help my daughter!" the King begged aloud, the rest of the family crowding in behind him.

"Wow, asking rocks for help? They must be desperate." Kristoff snorted. "…Or crazy." He considered his options. "…Maybe I should run-"

Suddenly the boulders trembled and rolled forward, surrounding the royal family and uncurling to reveal little grey creatures with moss-clothing and crystal necklaces. They gathered around to stare at the newcomers curiously.

"Trolls?!" Kristoff gasped and turned away. "Sven, let's get out of-" He was peeing on a rock. "NO SVEN THAT'S A-"

"YUCK!" The rock shook itself off and stood up, a female Troll. "You kids have NO manners! Your parents didn't raise you right!"

"…They didn't raise me at all," Kristoff stated matter-of-factly.

"Well I'll fix that!" The female Troll smiled. "I'm Bulda, and I'm-a keep you!"

"Uhh, that really won't be necessary-"

"Nonsense!" She seized both of them in a rib-snapping hug. Kristoff gurgled in pain and went cross-eyed, Sven kicking his legs feebly.

Down in the clearing, an old, wizened Troll rolled through the others and straightened to gently take Elsa's hand in his.

"Born with the powers, or cursed?" he asked in a gravelly voice.

"Born," the King answered, then went on in a conspiratorial whisper, "and if you ask me, she got it from her MOTHER'S side-"

"Is this about you calling my mother a frigid bitch?" the Queen cut in.

"What NO I would NEVER-"

While they argued in hushed voices, the old Troll inspected Anna, gently touching her head and grumbling in concern. The King broke off his desperate pleas and became solemn once more.

"Tell me, what damage has been done," he said. The old Troll grumbled some more and shook his head sadly.

"I will do what I can, but I fear…" He took a deep breath, then let it out in a long sigh. "…SHE WILL RANDOMLY BURST INTO SONG."

"My GOD…" the King whispered in horror.

"It's even worse than Elsa's power!" the Queen said, aghast. Elsa shuddered fearfully and clutched her mother tight.

"You're lucky it wasn't her heart," the old Troll went on in a grave tone. "The heart is not so easily changed. The head, though…can be bribed…"

"Can you do one more?" The Queen sniffed, glaring frostily at her husband.

"Bay-BEE, don't be like that-"

"Hush!" The old Troll shut them up. "To be safe, I will remove all magic, even memories of magic…" With a wave of his hand, Anna's memories with Elsa appeared in the air, changing from magic to normal, everyday things. "But don't worry…I will leave the fun-" He stopped short as more memories appeared, of Elsa bullying Anna, stealing her cookies, pulling her hair. "…Good God, maybe I should be changing more than the magic-"

"…She deserved some of it!" Elsa protested. "So, wait. She won't remember I have powers?" She thought for a moment. "…Can you make her forget that I owe her five dollars?"

"NO, and you must be careful." The old Troll turned back to the King and Queen. "There is beauty in her power, but also great DANGER. The people will grow to fear her, then eventually they will rise up and STRIKE HER DOWN-"

"You hear that, Elsa?" the King said firmly, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You must be cautious!"

"…Actually I was talking about your OTHER daughter, but I guess you should be careful about your powers, too, though they're not NEARLY as terrifying as the hers." The old Troll shrugged.

"She'll learn to control them," the King promised. "Until then, we'll close the castle gates, reduce the staff, and limit her contact with people. We'll hide her terrible power from everyone!"

"Dad, is it really that bad?" Elsa asked.

"Oh sorry honey I thought we were still talking about Anna but yeah we should probably do the same with you, too."

Elsa rolled her eyes and groaned.

-Several Months Later…-

Winter had fallen over Arendelle, the towering mountains and peaceful town dusted with snow. Anna smiled out at the welcoming sight from the castle window, and ran to Elsa's room, knocking on the door. She stepped back, took a breath, and began to sing.

Do you wanna sing a duet?

Come on, let's go be free.

You always stay inside

It's like you're trying to hide

Almost like you're scared of me!

We used to be such good pals

But no longer.

Why did you Unfriend meeee?

Do you wanna sing a duet?

Or maybe make a snowman?

"G…go away, Anna!" Elsa lay beneath her bed, wrapped in blankets and cowering in fear as she stared at the door. Anna sighed and started walking away.

Is this cuz I soaked your bed in peeee?

"You WHAT?!" The door slammed open and Elsa stormed out. Anna ran shrieking down the hall, her sister hot on her heels.

Later that day, Elsa stood with the King in his study.

"The gloves will help," her father said, holding out a pair of white gloves. Elsa smiled and reached for them…and instantly froze them solid. "…Godammit, Elsa."

"I'm sorry!"

Several years passed, and Anna, a little taller and her hair in two long braids, ran up to Elsa's door and tried again, knocking and beginning to sing.

Do you wanna sing a duet?

Or go down the stairs on sleds?

I think some supervision is overdue

Cuz I've started talking to

Strangers in the chatrooms on the web!

"Oh look this one has his own van!" Anna sat in front of the computer, typing away cheerfully.

It gets a little boring, always alone.

I think I'm going nuuuuts…

Anna lay in front of the grandfather clock, ticking and tocking like a nut as she watched the pendulum move back and forth. Gerda stood awkwardly behind her with a tray and slowly began inching backwards toward the door.

Elsa paced her bedroom, holding her gloved hands tightly to her chest.

"I'm scared!" she choked out. "Mom, dad! It's getting worse!"

"Your powers?" the King asked gently.

"NO! Anna's SINGING! She just won't stop!"

"Elsa-" The Queen started forward.

"No, don't touch me!" Elsa jerked away. "I don't want YOU guys to start, too! That's the last thing I need, everyone bursting into song like it's an episode of Glee! UGH!" The King and Queen kept back and sadly watched their daughter pace.

More years passed, and the King and Queen were busy packing for an overseas trip, the servants bringing their luggage towards the front door. Elsa, now a lovely young woman, stood waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs.

"Do you have to go?" she asked pleadingly. The King's smile was gentle.

"The therapist ordered it," he explained with patience. "This marriage counseling might be the last thing that could help us-"

"You'll make us late!" the Queen snapped at him, striding past.

"Oh right because I'M the one who took an HOUR to decide on which SHOES to bring!" the King shot back. His wife stormed through the front doors in a huff. The King watched her go. "…God I love that woman. That mean, mean woman." He turned back to Elsa and touched her shoulder. "It'll be FINE, Elsa. We'll be back in two weeks."

"Alright," Elsa sighed. "…Aren't you gonna say goodbye to An-"

"Do you wanna sing a duuueeet?" A voice floated down the stairs.

"OKAY GOTTA GO BYE!" The King snatched up his luggage and all but ran out the door.

"No wait take me with you!" Elsa picked up her skirts and started after them.

Sadly, the King and Queen's boat was caught in a violent storm at sea, and sank beneath the ocean's churning waves. Their bodies were never found. Although there were rumors of witnesses seeing them on a beach in Mexico, arguing, they were only rumors. The Kingdom of Arendelle mourned the loss of their King and Queen, but none so much as Anna and Elsa. Anna, now grown like her sister, stood outside on a grass hill where two gravestones had been erected, a small crowd dressed in black and the priest droning on. When he finally finished his prayer, she cleared her throat.

"I…have prepared a song in honor of-" she began.

"Oh no that will not be necessary-" the priest cut in hurriedly.

"What why not-"

"Because, it'll…make us cry!" He sputtered, then mumbled under his breath. "…For a totally different reason."

"But it's a funeral, we're supposed to cry! Just let me- HEY!" She had to be physically restrained.

Still in her black funeral dress, Anna returned to the castle and approached Elsa's door slowly, reaching out to give it a timid knock.

"…Elsa?" she whispered, then went on in song.

Please, I know you hear me.

I just can't take it anymore.

I want to sing, I mean I really do

Please let me sing with you

Just unlock the door!

Anna leaned her back against the door and slowly slid down to sit on the floor, tears filling her eyes.

No-one else will let me

You're the only one.

Why is my butt so coooold?

Guess you finally made that snowman…

Elsa sat on the other side of the door, her room covered in a thick layer of frost and snow, hugging Olaf and trying not to cry.

-Three Years Later-

Summer bloomed in Arendelle, the warm sun coaxing up colorful flowers and a warm breeze. The whole kingdom buzzed with excitement, people thronging the streets and a line of ships sailing into the harbor. Foreign dignitaries from all over were arriving for a very important event.

"Welcome to Arendelle!" The new arrivals were greeted warmly by officials as they walked down the docks and entered the town. "Do you have any fruit?" Another official was patting down guests, a drug-dog sniffing their privates.

"Why do I have to wear this?" a small boy whined, tugging at his nice coat. His mother clucked at him and shook a finger.

"Because the Queen has come of age," she told him firmly. "It's time for her coronation!" The boy gave her a blank stare.

"…Is it gonna hurt?"

"No, but I'll tell you what will!" the woman snapped. "My hand upside your head if you don't hurry!"

"Okay, okay!"

Other citizens were busy decorating the town with banners and streamers, flowers littering the streets. A familiar blond young man stood by his wagon, a large reindeer nudging his side.

"Hey, Sven!" Kristoff said, smiling. He went on a silly, deep voice. "Is that a carrot in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?" He chortled at his own joke. Sven just rolled his eyes.

*CHOMP!*

"OW MY DICK-"

"Aahhh…Arendelle," a skinny, weasly old man with glasses and a white moustache snickered as he slithered into the town, two lackeys flanking him. "Our most mysterious trade partner…yessss…open your gates so I may GROPE your riches and MOLEST your secrets!" He cleared his throat and turned to a passerby. "In case you can't tell, I'm EVIL."

"And I'M disturbed," they answered, hurrying away.

"I can't wait to see the Queen and Princess!" one dignitary said, approaching the palace. "I've heard they're total foxes!"

"Oh, no doubt!" another agreed. "They're the epitome of grace and decadence, to be sure!"

-Inside the Palace-

Anna lay sprawled in bed, drooling down her chin and ripping a huge fart. After it petered out, she snorted, scratched herself, and rolled over.

…She…is…BEAUTIFUL.

"Princess Anna?" a voice broke in from outside the door. "…Is there a dying moose in there, or did you just fart?"

"Whu?! NO!" Anna sat bolt-upright, her hair a reddish-brown shrubbery, still half-asleep. "I…I was just…practicing…my trumpet!" She farted again, this one low and long. "See, Kai? That was a perfect G-flat."

"…Princess Anna," Kai said after a moment, "please stop farting and get dressed for your sister's coronation."

"…I can't hide anything from you, can I?" Anna whispered quietly.

"No. No, you can't," Kai whispered back.

"Wait…my sister's…coronation?" Anna cracked an eye open. "…Is it gonna hurt?"

"No, but I'll tell you what WILL-"

"OKAY OKAY I'M UP!" Anna hurriedly leapt out of bed. In a matter of minutes she rushed out of her room, dressed to impress in a lovely evening gown with her hair up in an intricate braid. She gasped in delight as she saw the servants opening doors and windows previously kept shut tight. Unable to contain her joy, she began to sing and dance along the hallways.

The doors are all open

That's not secure!

I'm not locked in here anymore!

Who knew we had eight thousand salad plaaaates?

She walked amongst rows of servants carrying tall stacks of delicate china plates and reached out to take one.

*Crash!*

Everyone froze in place and whipped around to glare at her, the shattered remains of a plate at her feet.

"Uh…seven thousand…nine hundred…ninety-nine…salad plaaaates?" Anna sang weakly. There was a long, awkward silence. Suddenly she shoved the same servant holding the stack and shot off down another hallway.

*CRASH CRASH CRAAASH!*

"Seven thousand nine hundred forty two salad plaaaaaates!"

Once she was sure she'd escaped, she took up the song again.

For years I've skulked in the dark

Now it's time to have a lark

Finally I can leave this stupid place!

There'll be actual men and women

Instead of servants who don't count.

It's not like they have souls in any amount!

Climbing over a windowsill, she stepped out onto a wooden swing, winching herself up with the rope so she could see the many ships still arriving in the harbor.

Cuz for the FIRST time in forever-

"Where's Princess Anna?" a servant asked from inside.

I can sing to my content!

"She's singing outside again!" another answered.

For the FIRST time in forever-

"Dammit! Go get the broom so we can shoo her down again! Does anyone have some chocolate?"

I don't need anyone's consent!

*Snap!*

Anna screeched like a wet cat as one side of the rope swing broke and she hung there by a literal thread.

"Okay done singing help me HELP ME!" The servants reached out the window and just managed to drag her in by the legs. "Psych!" She dodged past them and ran into the flourishing garden, still singing.

Feeling so nervous I'm gassy

And I think I've got the ruuuuns!

Cuz for the first time in forever

Someone'll join in my puuuuns!

A mother duck and her fluffy babies waddled up, and Anna knelt to scoop up the adorable ducklings.

"A-HA, I quack myself up," she snorted, then blinked. "Wait aren't we having duck for the banquet- AUUUGH!" The mother duck attacked in a flurry and wings and stabbing beak, hustling her babies away as Anna fell onto her butt with a squawk. "Oh yeah fine, I don't need you! I'll find someone!" she shouted after them. "Wait. What if I meet…THE one?" Anna paused. "…Actually anyone will do. Seriously. ANYONE." She paused again. "I'M SO LONELY."

Brushing the mud from her skirts, Anna ran back into the castle, her song resuming.

Tonight I'll wear a sexy dress

With a pushup-bra sure to impress

The picture of mature sex appeal!

She wrapped herself up in a long hanging curtain and nearly strangled herself in the process. Struggling free, she wobbled into the dining room and winked seductively at a decorative stone bust of a man's head.

Then I'll suddenly see a tall stranger

Hope I'm not in any danger

From a freak who wants me for a meal!

The bust winked back, and Anna picked it up and danced around the room, spinning happily.

And we'll laugh and become best friends

Which is completely unrealistic

Considering I am totally spastic!

To prove her point, the bust suddenly flew from her hands and slammed into the three-tier cake, a single tear sliding down its stone cheek. Anna dashed out before she got caught, and this time entered a larger room filled with oil paintings, running around to pose with ones that depicted various romantic engagements.

For the first time in forever

I can dance, I can sing!

For the first time in forever

Maybe a man'll give me bling!

And I know it might sound crazy-

"PRINCESS ANNA DID YOU RUIN THE CAKE?!" Servants pounded on the door, but Anna ran over and held it shut, never stopping her song.

Shut up or you won't get paaaaid!

Cuz for the first time in forever-

"She broke the plates, too!"

I might…

"AND the swing!"

get…

"Open this door RIGHT now, young lady!"

LAAAAIIIIIID!

Elsewhere in the castle, away from the singing and shouting, Elsa stood by a window, nervously watching the foreign politicians and dignitaries approach the castle on the cobbled road. Dressed like Anna in a modest evening gown with her pale braid up and a long cape trailing behind, she sighed and turned back to the table, carefully picking up a candlestick and small urn in her bare hands.

"Don't let them in, don't let them see," she chanted softly to herself. "Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal…don't feel…put on a show. One wrong move and everyone will-"

"Princess Elsa, are you alright?!" Gerda called from outside the door. "I thought I heard…singing!"

"NO! No, I…I was just…reciting!" Elsa stammered. "There's a difference!"

"Are you sure? It sure sounded like-"

"NO YOU WERE WRONG YOU WERE VERY VERY WRONG!" Elsa moved to put the items down, only to find them frozen firmly to her palms. She stood there for a moment, shaking her hands vigorously, before giving up with a sigh. "…Could you PLEASE fetch me some hot water, Gerda?"

"AGAIN?" the woman asked through the door. "You must LOVE tea."

"And tell the guards to open up the gate!" Elsa added, putting one foot to the candlestick and trying to pry it off physically.

"Oh, don't worry, Anna's already got that covered."

"The GAAAATE!" Anna sang, dashing for the towering doors. The guards swung them open as she approached, and she spun through them happily. "For the FIRST time in-"

The large crowd of people waiting outside the gates immediately trampled her on their way into the courtyard.

"Okay OW rude-" Anna choked out, picking herself up from the road and ducking to the side. Struggling through the mass of bodies, she finally emerged on the other end of the road, in the town square. She dusted herself off and started again, stepping into the road.

I've had it being by myself

I've been alone for days!

So for the first time in forever

For the FIRST time in forever

I'm NOT looking both waaaaaays!

And she was promptly hit by a horse.

ALWAYS look both ways when you're crossing the street, kids.

Anna went flying to the side, landing heavily in a small wooden boat and skittering down the wharf, then tilting over the edge towards the water. She was saved by the very horse who'd hit her, which stomped a hoof down and caught the boat before it fell.

"YOU SON OF A-" Anna looked up and caught sight of the young, handsome man riding the valiant steed. "…CLASSY LADY."

"Oh goodness! Are you okay?!" the man asked worriedly. Anna blinked.

"…I might need CPR-"

"What?"
"I mean, no, I'm fine!" Anna sat up as the man got down from the horse and joined her in the boat, offering a hand. "T…thank you." She took it.

"I'm Prince Hans," he politely introduced himself, "of the Southern Isles."

"Oh!" Anna blushed at his bow. "I'm Princess Anna!" She curtsied back.

"PRINCESS?!" Hans gasped and straightened. "Oh GOD I hit the Princess with my horse they're gonna take away my REINS am I gonna be arrested for TREASON-"

"Only if you GIVE me a treason," Anna giggled. Hans smiled at her.

"Good one! I love puns."

"Really?!"

The horse face-hooved in disgust, and Hans and Anna yelped as the boat started to drop again. The horse quickly stomped its hoof again and again, trying to catch the boat. Hans and Anna were thrown back and forth onto each other in what looked like various Kama-Sutra poses.

"Whoa what wait stop OKAY I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT ONE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK-" Anna scrambled to her feet, blushing furiously.

"I am SO sorry about this," Hans began, also standing.

"It…it's fine, I actually kinda enjoyed it- wait what?" She shook her head. "Don't worry about it, you won't get beheaded or anything, it's…just me."

"Just you?" Hans repeated, raising an eyebrow. Anna smiled and shrugged.

"Hey, I'm not fishing for compliments!" She chuckled, kicking at the boat.

"Well, I don't want you to be the one that got away!" Hans replied.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea!"

"But you're the catch of the day-"

Distant tolling bells thankfully cut them off, and Anna gasped.
"Elsa's coronation!" she cried, scrambling out of the boat and onto the dock. "Look, I…I have to go! Um, I'll call you? Or…you'll call me? I just…bye!" She snatched her skirts up and scurried away. Hans watched her go, and a dark smirk spread across his face.

"Hook, line, AND sinker," he chuckled evilly. His horse stared at him, dead-pan, and raised its hoof. "OH YOU ARE GONNA BE GLUE-"

*SPLASH!*

-At the Coronation-

A choir sang in the town's small church, their holy song reverberating off the walls and lightening everyone's heart as Elsa stood on the altar before the Bishop. Anna was busy blowing kisses to Hans, who sat in the pews, crushed in with the rest of the crowd. Elsa lowered her head, and the Bishop ceremoniously placed a delicate golden tiara on her hair. She straightened, and reached for the golden ball and scepter on the pillow he held out.

"A-HEM."

Elsa stopped, blinking at the Bishop.

"…Bless you?"

"No, Majesty," the Bishop whispered. "Your gloves…"

"…They don't go with the dress?" Elsa asked.

"No, you need to take them OFF-"

"…I don't think they're THAT bad-"

"JUST DO IT!" he hissed.

"FINE!" she hissed back. Taking a deep, calming breath, she slowly removed her gloves, hands trembling as she again reached for the items. Holding them up, she turned to the crowd, who rose to stand while the Bishop droned on. Elsa saw the frost creeping over the ball and scepter and held her breath, counting to ten.

"Blah blah blah…Queen Elsa of Aren-" the Bishop got out before Elsa whirled around, whipped the items at his head, jammed her gloves back on, and whirled back around to face the audience.

"FOOD! EAT! NOW!" she hollered at them, her face pale and eyes wide.

Everyone stared at her for a long, silent moment…and then burst into cheers.

"She gets straight to the point!"

"I like her!"

-At the Dinner Party-

The guests crowded the ballroom, eating, drinking, and dancing merrily to the band. Elsa stood before the throne, over-watching the party with grace and calm. Kai stomped out of the crowd, dragging Anna behind her, her mouth and arms filled with chocolates. Planting her firmly beside Elsa, he looked her straight in the eye and shook her with every word.

"…STOP…EATING…" he ground out, then turned and stalked away. Anna watched him go, then looked over at her estranged sister.

"…Herro," she mumbled around the chocolate, smiling awkwardly.

"Hi." Elsa smiled back, shy. Anna glanced down at the sweets in her arms.

"Um…want one?" Elsa reached out. "Wait not that one-" She stopped, reaching for another. "Not that one either it's caramel-" Elsa laughed and took a different one, munching on it as she overlooked the crowd.

"So!" she said after a moment. "This is what a party looks like."

"Yeah! It's…" Anna broke off with a frown. An older couple in the back were getting totally smashed, the man grinding against the woman while she whipped her bra over her head. "…nnnnot really what I imagined…"

"I think someone spiked the punch." Elsa sniffed her drink and put it down.

"Your majesty." Kai returned, the evil old man from before at his side. "Let me introduce, the Duke of Weasletown-"

"It's WESELTON!" the Duke snapped, moustache bristling in fury. "I'll have you know that I hold my rank with great pride and dignity-"

The drunk woman's bra came sailing over the crowd and landed on the Duke's head, draping over an eye. Elsa and Anna immediately struggled not to crack up.

"Pfft! Looks like you need…more support!" Anna snorted out. Elsa's shoulders shook and she snorted, too.

"Er-HEM!" The Duke flung the bra away and addressed the newly-crowned Queen. "As your closest partner in trade, how about a dance, my Queen?"

"Uhhh…" Elsa blinked, mind scrambling for an excuse. "I…can't. My legs are…broken."

"Come now! Don't be shy!" The Duke suddenly broke into a series of seizure-like dance moves, ending with a vicious high-kick that clipped Anna's jaw and sent her spinning around to land limply in his arms. "Oh-HO, this one's eager for a dance! Let's go, sweet thing!" He started to carry her away.

"NO HELP ELSA-"

"Some sacrifices must be made!" Elsa called after her, wincing inwardly. "Sorry!"

On the dance floor, the Duke pranced around Anna like some strange mating ritual, doing the moonwalk and dropping it like it's hot.

"Random question," he asked while twerking, "do YOU know the reason Arendelle closed its gates?"

"…You mean OTHER than keeping YOU out?" Anna asked wryly.

"Har HAR!" The Duke retaliated by violently dipping her with a loud popping sound.

"…OH GOD SOMETHING JUST WENT OUT."

Sometime later, Anna feebly dragged herself back to Elsa's side, her legs trailing uselessly behind her. She lay on the rug by Elsa's feet, groaning.

"…Now MY legs are broken."

"I said I was sorry!" Elsa heaved her back up on her feet and supported her.

"This is SO much fun! I wish it could be like this all the time!" Anna sighed, looking out over the crowd. "…Minus the psychotic dancing and bleeding toes, I mean."

"Me, too," Elsa agreed. But then her happy smile drained away as she remembered her dark secret. "But…it can't."

"Why not?" Anna asked in confusion.

"It just…can't!"

"…That's not much of an answer-"

"…Look, chocolate!" Elsa pointed randomly.

"I missed some?! WHERE?!" Anna darted away, her legs working again. Shoving through the crowd, she suddenly tripped on her own dress and fell backwards, arms pin-wheeling. A hand shot out and caught her before she fell, another loud pop echoing through the room.

"…OH THANK GOD IT WENT BACK IN PLACE!" Anna looked up to find Hans holding her, a warm smile on his face. "Hans!"

"Glad I caught you!" He chuckled. Anna smiled at the pun, and he pulled her up into his arms. The two then danced around the ballroom, and the rest of the night was a blur of happiness as she and Hans talked, laughed, and ate more chocolate. Later, they sat outside on a terrace, the star-lit sky above them.

"You have HOW many brothers?" Anna asked in awe.

"Twelve older brothers!" Hans replied with a laugh. "Three of them pretended I was invisible! For two years!"

"Wow, that's really-"

"SO I MADE THEM INVISIBLE-"

"Wait what-"

"But nevermind that!" Hans quickly went on. "Tell me about YOUR family, Anna!"

"Well," Anna shrugged, "my sister pretty much did the same thing. We were close as kids, but…she shut me out, and I never knew why…" She frowned. "Was she really that pissed that I peed in her bed- ahaha PUNS-"

"I'd never shut you out, Anna…" Hans said softly, taking her hand.

"Hans…" Anna's touched smile melted away in confusion. "Do you…hear that?"

"Hmm?" Hans cocked his head, listening. "…Music? Where's it coming from?"

"Must…resist…urge…to…NO!" Anna stood up, gripping her skirts tight. "I'm gonna be myself! This might seem crazy, but…I'm gonna sing!"

"Go ahead! I love crazy!" Hans put his drink down. Anna took a breath and began.

All my life I've been fighting the urge to sing

And then suddenly I find someone new!

"Yeah, TOTAL coincidence!" Hans said, laughing, and joined in.

Cuz I've been searching one whole day for the very same thing

And maybe it's my penis talkin', but it really likes you!

Anna danced onto a table and held out a hand.

But with you, I like your face…

Hans took her hand, singing along with her.

But with you, I want this place…

They spun around and began singing together.

And it's everything I've been warned about and more!

Love is an unlocked doooor!

With you, with you!

With you, with you!

Please don't rob me poor…

The pair of them danced all around the castle, through the empty halls, and ended up sitting on the roof, staring up at the sparkling sky high above. Hans nudged Anna after a moment, grinning.

I mean it's stupid!

Huh?

You trust me like a-

Loved one!

…I was totally gonna say that!

They left the roof and started across a stone bridge, hand in hand, still singing together.

I never met someone

Who won't stop singing like me…

Psych! Psych again!

Our vocal synchronization

Has only one explanation

We both have mental disabilities!

The pair emerged at the top of the lighthouse and danced in the glow of the lamplight, their silhouette playing off the ship's sails.

Say goodbye

To all of your crap

Cuz I'm taking everything and mooore!

Finally they ended up at the waterfall behind the castle, dancing out onto the rocky overhang below the shining moon.

Love is an unlocked doooor!

What's with this movie and doooors?

Don't know if I can take anymoooore!

With you, with you!

With you, with you!

Hans leaned in for a kiss, but Anna pushed him back.

Not until we're wed or I'll be a whoooore!

"Can I say something crazy?" Hans said suddenly, getting down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"

"Can I say something even crazier?!" Anna asked, then screeched like a banshee and leapt on him, the two toppling backwards over the drop and landing in the water with a splash.

-Back at the Coronation Party-

"Elsa! Elsa!" Anna wound her way through the throng of party guests, tugging Hans after her. "I mean…Queeny! Hey!" She finally reached Elsa, who turned to her with a look of confusion.

"Why are you all wet-"

"Um, Elsa," Anna began, pulling Hans close, "this is Hans, my new hubbie-"

"Your WHAT?" Elsa blinked.

"Oh, sorry, I mean hubbie-to-BE-"

"That doesn't make it better-"

"Hi, sis-in-law!" Hans greeted with a charming smile. "Great to join the fam!"

"WHAT?!"

"We're getting married!" Anna burst out excitedly, hopping up and down. "And we want YOUR blessing!"

"…Aaaaand the money for the wedding," Hans added after a moment.

"Yeah we're kinda BROKE-"

"Okay, stop. Rewind. DELETE." Elsa planted her fists on her hips. "You are NOT getting married."

"What why not?!" Anna cried.

"You can't marry a man you just met!"

"But…but this is a Disney movie! Have you even SEEN the others?!"

"NO, and I don't CARE!"

"…But it's true love!" Anna protested. "…And I already let him touch my boobs a little!"

"Wait WHAT? Anna, NO, you are NOT marrying him, and that is final!" Elsa gathered herself and turned to leave.

"Queen Elsa, if I may-" Hans began.

"You MAY shut the FUCK up, Prince Hans!" Elsa snapped angrily at him. "And by the way, you MISSED A SPOT SHAVING." He gasped aloud and clutched his sideburns, expression hurt.

"Hey! Now you're just being a frosty bitch!" Anna cried in outrage.

"That's it! PARTY'S OVER!" Elsa bellowed, stalking away from the pair. "My sister ruined it! Everyone OUT!"

"I did NOT!" Anna went after her. "YOU did!" She lunged for her sister and accidently snatched a glove off one of her hands.

"Give that back!" Elsa struggled to control her panic.

"Nu-uh!" Anna held it above her head tauntingly. "Not until I can get married!"

"Oh well then you can KEEP it!" Elsa turned away and continued towards the doors. Anna clutched the glove and stomped a foot in frustration.

"Oh yeah?! Well…well…" She cast about for a comeback. "…THAT DRESS MAKES YOU LOOK FAT!"

"Take that BACK!" Elsa whirled around in fury and lashed a hand out. A wave of ice sprayed across the floor in an arc, sharp icicles like daggers jutting out. Anna froze, a needle-sharp tip touching her throat.

"…But the top kinda evens it out so actually you look REALLY GREAT-"

Everyone gasped in fear, a palpable silence filling the room as they backed away.

"Sorcery!" the Duke of Weselton hissed out, his eyes popping. "I KNEW there was something you were hi- what the DEVIL are you DOING stop!" One of his lackeys had snapped off an icicle and was chewing on it.

"What?" he asked, puzzled. "I was thirsty."

"You have NO idea where that's- you TOO?!"

The Duke's other lackey was breaking bits of icicle into his drink.

"…I was out of ice!"

"YOU FOOLS!"

"…Elsa?" Anna said uncertainly. Elsa snapped out of her horrified shock and dashed for the doors, throwing them open and rushing away. She burst out into the courtyard, where locals were crowded to greet her.

"There she is!" someone cried from the back. "Let's GIVE it to her!"

"Auuuugh!" Elsa shrieked and dodged through them, trying to escape.

"…Guess she doesn't want these flowers." The man who'd yelled stood with several others, all holding large bouquets. "And they smell so nice, too."

Elsa found herself stuck in the middle of the crowd and backed away in fear as they drew close. Her bare hand touched one of the stone fountains, and immediately the water froze, forming a beautiful, flowing ice sculpture that glistened in the moonlight.

"OooOOOoooh!" Everyone gasped in awe, amazed at the sight.

"NO! It's EVIL!" the Duke shrieked from the doorway. "You're supposed to be AFRAID!"

"Oh." Everyone blinked. "AUUUUUGGGH!" Chaos ensued, with everyone screaming and pushing to get away from the new Queen. Elsa clenched her fists and searched for a place to run.

"Elsa, wait!" Anna dashed out of the doors with Hans, and together they followed Elsa as she fled down a stairway to the fjord. She hesitated at the water's edge, afraid. "I'll give you back your glove now!" Hearing Anna's approach spurred her on. She picked up her skirts and ran across the fjord, freezing the water to ice with every step.

"Elsa, STOP!" Anna moved to follow, placing a foot on the ice.

"No, Anna!" Hans cried, grabbing her arm. Across the frozen fjord, Elsa disappeared into the woods on the other side.

"I have to follow her!" Anna begged, pulling away.

"No, it won't support you-"

"But it supported her, why wouldn't it support-" Anna stopped, narrowing her eyes dangerously. "…Are you saying I'm fat?"

"What, no, I just…look, chocolate!" Hans pulled out a sweet from his pocket to distract her. A light snow began to fall from the night sky, and the ice from Elsa's footsteps spread across the fjord, freezing the boats in place as tightly as a lock.

"…Guess we're calling a snowday?" Anna said weakly as she watched the flakes drift down, her mouth smeared with chocolate.

-End of Part 1-

Disclaimer: Still don't own Frozen!

Author's Note: Wow. WOW. That was fun. That was REALLY fun. One of the hardest/most enjoyable things to do was messing with the songs, which I think came out pretty good. I plan on writing two more parts to make this a three-part fic, so definitely expect more in the future! It might be a couple weeks before I get the next part out, but trust me, I certainly plan to finish this! Hope you all enjoyed reading! Review, please! Oh, and any snow/ice-related puns for Anna to use are welcome!