Chapter 1: Incomplete

Author's Note:

These characters aren't mine, as I'm just borrowing them. All of The Mortal Instruments characters and their world belong to Cassandra Clare. I just had to write this, so I'm borrowing them. No copyright infringement intended.

This takes place a few months after City of Lost Souls. I had to deal with that break up! The idea of this has been in my head for several months but it's just taken a while to get it written. The only CoHF snippet I was aware of was the cell phone thing. Anything else similar is a cool coincidence…. Also, while I was writing this, I had the song "Incomplete" by Backstreet Boys stuck in my head.

Alexander Gideon Lightwood, better known as Alec, sat on his bed, uncaringly staring into space. These days, he didn't care much about anything concerning his well-being, only of that of his family. He didn't think that he could feel pain like that of Max's death again, but he was sadly mistaken. Months had passed since that fateful encounter that had upended his world, and the pain had not lessened for him even a bit. If anything, it had grown, if that were even possible. For so long, Alec had punished himself for Max's death, for not being able to protect his little brother or see through the façade that Sebastian had presented. He had only begun to forgive himself, maybe believing that deep down he was a good person; that fateful day with Magnus had changed everything, though. Alec no longer believed he was worthy of forgiveness.

He did not know how he had begun to even contemplate his actions or involvement with Camille. He blamed his own self-doubt and feelings of being less than worthy. His jealousy had driven him to make a deal he should not have even entertained, and yet here he was. Alec sighed and put his head in his hands, wondering for the millionth time how he could have even contemplated taking away Magnus' immortality. The thought of growing old and dying while Magnus stayed young was unbearable, but living without Magnus was a whole entirely new breed of hell in itself.

Alec had never been in love prior to Magnus. Hell, he had spent half of his life denying what he truly was. For years he could not even admit to being gay, and when he finally admitted it to himself, he was reluctant to let anyone else know. Still, as astute as they were, Jace and Isabelle had figured it out. Izzy has always had his back, and Alec was touched by his sister's concern and rabid protection of him. He never knew just how much Jace had guessed, but Alec was grateful Jace had never really broached him on the subject.

The Clave had always viewed homosexuality as wrong; something Alec had never been able to understand why. He tried his best to keep his secret from his family, not to mention the Clave, for fear of the repercussions. Turns out he hadn't needed to have worried, as with them, as long as it wasn't rubbed in their faces, it was almost like "don't ask, don't tell" type thing.

Since he had spent so long trying to deny what he was, Alec had never had a relationship before Magnus. Sure, Clary had called it right when she noted his crush on his parabatai, Jace. Jace had been an easy target, as he was "the unattainable". Alec could never truly get his heart broken, because nothing would ever happen with Jace. Sure, he could pine away and live in the longing of a relationship, but that pain was just on the fringes, just on the surface. Jace was more of his brother than anything, and so the crush had just been something superfluous, something easy. Alec didn't have to get invested as he knew it was never real. Even as he had begun to fall for Magnus, he had clung to his crush on Jace for fear of getting hurt. There was only so long he could deny it, though.

Magnus had been his true love, even though he was Alec's first real relationship. Alec had been waiting for someone truly worth risking everything for, someone he found in Magnus. Still, Alec had so much to learn in the ways of relationships, as his eighteen years on this planet paled against the centuries Magnus had been alive. At first it hadn't mattered. Magnus appeared young enough to be only a few years older than Alec and didn't seem fazed by the age gap. He never made Alec feel inferior. After time passed, though, Alec started to realize his dream of growing old with someone, if he was not murdered by a demon, would not happen, at least not with Magnus. Alec knew that his obsession with Magnus' immortality would only lead to disaster, but it was something he couldn't get away from or let go. Alec's obsession had cost him everything: love, trust, a friend. Alec couldn't be more disgusted with himself if he tried.

For weeks he had devoted himself to patrolling and fighting random rogue demons. He could not bear to sit still, staring at his walls, trying to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart. Because that was what Alec felt like he was: a shattered man. He did not care any more about food or sleep. Food was tasteless and he only ate the bare minimum to sustain himself for fighting. He knew without looking at himself that he had been honed down to muscles and bone, leaner than a healthy person should be. Sleep was also torment, as a mocking Magnus haunted his dreams, reminding him of all that he had lost. He slept only when he had to, and he spent the rest of his time patrolling, fighting and training. He had become relentless in his pursuit of demons. If he had a goal to focus on, he did not have to focus on his inner misery.

Both Isabelle and Jace had tried to get him to talk about what happened, but he just shut down, his emotions hidden behind the blank wall that his face had become. He drove himself mercilessly in cleaning up and defending the city. He knew if he stopped and really gave into the grief, he would completely break down, something that he could not afford to do. Besides, he was supposed to be the cool, collected one. What would his family think if he gave in to his emotions and broke down?

Everything ached physically, but that was a small price to pay to alleviate emotional pain, even if it were just temporary. He was running himself ragged, as Isabelle had pointed out on more than one occasion, but he did not even really care anymore. He loved putting on his runes, burning them just a little deeper than they were supposed to go, the searing pain helping to block out his misery. At least fighting gave him that excuse to apply the runes, although he was sure that someone would intervene if they ever found out just what he was doing.

Isabelle had put her foot down today, though. She saw how worn out he had become and ordered him to rest in his room. Restless and unable to sleep, Alec had relegated himself to staring at the walls, trying to figure out how much longer he had to stay in here. He felt as if he would go stark raving insane if he had to stay in here much longer, though. He contemplated escaping, but he was sure Isabelle would have planned that. After an hour had passed without any relief, he got up, deciding to at least risk heading to the library. If he couldn't sleep, he could still "rest" while reading up on histories or something.

He opened the door and poked his head out, not seeing anyone guarding his door. Breathing a sigh of relief, he padded down to the library, his bare feet making little noise on the floor. Uncaring about his wardrobe if he was forced to stay inside, Alec wore pajama bottoms low on his hips and a black t-shirt. His raven hair hung messily in his face, but he could not even bring himself to care about that either. He sighed, wishing that the misery would go away even for a few moments, if even to just give him some temporarily relief. True, he did not feel as if he deserved it, but today he wished for numbness instead of the pain. Alec wondered about using a sleeping rune on himself and wondered if that would even work. He was tempted to ask one of the others, but then that would actually require an explanation, something he was as yet reluctant to give.

Quietly opening the door, Alec entered the massive library, taking a moment to gaze around at its splendor. Usually the library brought him a sense of comfort, but today was not one of those days. He wandered the library searching for the books he was looking for, one on runes and the second on demons that typically crossed into their dimension. He flopped down onto a chair that was somewhat comfortable and cracked open the book on runes.

Alec flipped through the pages, finding a sleeping rune. It looked as if it might be a bit chancy, so he decided to do more thorough research on it before attempting it. It would not do to put himself into a sleep coma or something that would be impossible to wake from. The others would not need a repeat of what they went through with Clary's mom, courtesy of the sleeping draught and Valentine.

He continued reviewing things, trying to discover if there was a rune to deal with heartbreak or that inner pain. Part of him wanted to take it away and be numb and the other part wanted him to suffer and punish himself for what he had done. Neither would be ideal, so Alec closed the book in frustration. Luckily he had just set the book on the table next to him, its title out of sight, when his sister came storming into the library, her face looking thunderous.

"Alec, I thought I told you to rest today. You need your sleep! What the hell are you doing in here?" Isabelle demanded. Alec sighed. Sometimes his little sister liked to forget which one of them was the older one.

"I couldn't sleep, like usual these days. Confining me to my room to stare at the walls isn't going to help anyone, least of all me. Unless you want me to go insane, that is. I figured I could catch up on my research while I rested," he told her matter-of-factly. Isabelle gave him a look that clearly said that she thought he was full of crap.

"I would ask you again what is going on, but I know you are going to refuse to tell me anything," she replied, exasperated. Isabelle walked over to her brother and sat down next to him, wrapping him in her arms. The usually hard Isabelle only showed her softer side around those she truly cared about. "Alec, I hate seeing you miserable like this. Please, please open up to me?" she asked in concern.

"I made a huge mistake and Magnus broke up with me. He doesn't want to see me or have anything to do with me. That's it," he said, trying to keep it simple. Talking about it only tore him apart yet again, and with Isabelle hugging him, it brought tears perilously close to the surface. He was not sure he could ever pick up the pieces if he fell apart. "I just have to deal with it and move on," he said, slowly getting up. He did not want to cry in front of his sister, so he knew he had to wiggle out of the embrace. He turned to look at her. "Thanks, Iz. I'm actually tired, so I am going to lie down again," he lied, using the excuse to hastily get back to his room. There he could let the misery envelop him again and not have to pretend otherwise.

Without waiting for a response, Alec practically fled from the library, unable to hide things for much longer. Soon, he found the sanctuary of his room and made sure to lock the door behind him. He crawled onto his bed and propped himself up against the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest. He rested his head on his knees as the tears started to flow, fighting valiantly for the control that he so desperately clung to. Talking about the break-up had only opened the gates, and Alec was helpless to fight against the tears any longer. He flopped himself over onto the bed, curled in a ball and relinquished himself to the pain, his face buried in his pillow to muffle the sounds of his agony.

The pain and misery enveloped Alec, washing over him like a tidal wave. He felt the stabbing pain in his heart, pain that burning runes into his skin could never alleviate. His chest constricted, and he found himself unable to breathe very well. This unbearable misery was something he did not even know how to begin to fight or get rid of. He felt as if a part of him had been ripped out, part of his life, his soul. He hated himself in that moment, because he had no one else to blame. Magnus had said that he still loved him but because of the ultimate betrayal, in Magnus' eyes, he could not stand to be anywhere near Alec. Alec did not know how anyone got through a loss such as this, but he felt that it just might kill him if this continued.