Lebam the Defender of Earth

"Yikes! It's going to blow!" Lebam shouted, after Robbie pushed the big orange button in the underground alien space-ship they were trying to sabotage.

"Oh, banjo polish!" said Dorfelddif. "We'll have to climb up the service passage an' get outta here before she goes up."

The alarms and flashing lights continued as vampires Lebam, Acificap, Vlad, and Bela struggled up through the narrow service passage with their human allies Dorfelddif (a McGucket clone) and Robbie (a human original). They arrived in a wider room with computer equipment along one side, and a glowing circular portal on the other.

Near the portal was a circle of nine people in a trance, all of whom Lebam recognized: Soos, Wendy, Stan, Dipper, Gideon, Fiddleford, Pacifica, Mabel, and Robbie. In the center of the circle was a giant floating baby with glowing red eyes and a black hourglass marked on his forehead.

Over by the main computer console was Bill Cipher, who pushed a button on the console and the alarms stopped.

Bill laughed. "You didn't realize we would put in an override up here? We didn't bother to take out the self-destruct button down there because it would give us an alarm in case of saboteurs. It's funny how dumb you are; you can't stop the Time Baby from taking over the world."

The Time Baby fired a blast of energy from his eyes at Vlad, who dodged out of the way with his vampiric speed. The four vampires spread out around the circle, with Acificap and Lebam carrying Robbie and Dorfelddif on their backs, respectively.

"Robot 618, control the Mabel clone," ordered the Time Baby. "Turn her against the others. You have a spare channel."

A blue glowing circle came up around Bill with a copy of the Wheel as Lebam had seen it in Journal 2. The Glasses symbol switched to a second copy of her left-facing Llama. A beam of blue light from the projected Wheel targeted Acificap, who now looked like Lebam instead of Tambry.

"It's not working, your Majesty," said Bill after a second.

Dorfelddif whispered to Lebam, "It didn't work because you swapped bodies with Acificap tonight. He's targeting the wrong person with his control."

Lebam nodded. "Now what?"

"Attack 'em and keep 'em off balance for a few more minutes," said Dorfelddif. "We can't let the Titans possess the hosts, so knock 'em out of position on the Wheel."

Moving as fast as they could, Vlad and Bela double-teamed the Time Baby, kicking him with their feet while swatting potential hosts out of the way with their hands. Lebam and Acificap dropped off their human riders and charged Bill Cipher. Dorfelddif headed for the portal power lever. Robbie ran and hid behind a crate.

"Fools, you cannot win," said the Time Baby. "Hyperion and Theia, take any available hosts. Your light powers will make short work of the vampires."

Dipper and Mabel were still in position on the Wheel. Their eyes opened, revealing white glows.

"Ready, Theia my darling?" Dipper asked,

"Yes, Hyperion my love," Mabel said.

For an instant, the room was filled with blinding white light. The vampires howled as it began to burn their skin. Then the light suddenly cut off again.

"What happened?" asked Mabel.

"I don't know, but I think I just called you darling," said Dipper.

Dorfelddif was at the portal lever. He had just thrown it back to the off position.

"No you don't, human," said the Time Baby, blasting him with laser eyes.

Dorfelddif fell. "We just... need ta buy... another minute or so..."

"Your time is up," said the Time Baby. He seized control of the lever with a blue telekinesis field.

"No! I won't go back to being possessed," said Mabel. Her own latent android telekinetic powers turned on, activated by the few seconds of possession by Theia, and she wrested control of the lever from the Time Baby.

"Robot 618, help me," said the Time Baby.

"On it," said Bill Cipher, aiming a power beam from his fingers at Mabel.

"You're not hurting Mabel!" said Dipper. His own "laser face" power activated and he blasted a hole in Cipher, then followed up with enough heat to melt the evil robot.

"I'm melting... melting," said Bill. He turned into a metal puddle on the floor.

"I'm still powerful enough to take you all on alone," said the Time Baby. "Especially with the vampires completely out of the fight."

"Not as out of the fight as you think!" said Lebam. Her skin was burned and painful, but she gathered her strength and pulled the Time Baby by it's diaper, slamming it to the floor. The diaper came loose.

"Not my four-ply diaper!" said the Baby, struggling to pull it back on.

At that moment, the upper stories of the Mystery Shack were lifted off and the ceiling was exposed to the night sky. Four gigantic rock robots with the heads of the Presidents of Mt. Rushmore stared down into the room: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln.

"I cannot tell a lie," said George Washington, "We did it with our big strong arms."

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary..." said Thomas Jefferson.

"A house divided cannot stand," said Abraham Lincoln.

"Bully!" said Teddy Roosevelt. "We've got the invaders now! Chaarge!"

"You can't charge," snarled the Time Baby. "There's no room down here. I can still gain control of the portal and win!"

"That's what you think," called a familiar cracked old voice from one of the robotic statues. "Presidential heads, separate!"

The heads of the President statues popped off and landed on robotic spider legs. They scuttled down the walls of the ripped-open Mystery Shack from all four sides, firing beams from their eyes as they came.

The Time Baby was struck on his vulnerable bottom, which had been exposed by Lebam. The Baby's alien android body melted.

"You haven't seen the last of Chronos," said the Time Baby. "I still have my Father Time form."

"Ya'll never use this portal, leastwise," said a voice from the head of George Washington.

The robots blasted all of the portal equipment to fragments.

Once they were finished with this destructive work, the top of the Thomas Jefferson head popped open and a clone of McGucket came out.

"Clone down," said the clone who controlled the Thomas Jefferson head, pointing to the body of Dorfelddif by the lever. He climbed down, picked up his brother clone, and took him back inside the robot.

The robot's head closed again, and all four robot heads climbed back up the walls and rejoined their bodies.

"Well done, defenders of Earth," called the Teddy Roosevelt robot. "See you next time." All four robotic statues marched away, heading back to Mt. Vernon.

The might-have-been hosts all woke up slowly after the attack.

Grunkle Stan said, "My Mystery Shack, and all the secrets under it, destroyed! I'm ruined. I'll sue the government for damages."

"Don't sweat it, dude," said Soos. "We can build again. This place will be famous for real. The site of the battle of the Titans and the Presidential Robots... or somethin' like that."

"Yeah, that's it," said Stan. "We'll rake in the cash of the Titans."

"I'll fund rebuilding the place," said Pacifica. "It's the least I can do, since your family saved me from being controlled by an alien for the rest of my life."

Wendy went over to Robbie. "Hey Robbie, why are there two of you?"

"Umm, I can explain. This guy is my zombie clone, Eibbor."

"Yo," said Eibbor.

"Were you going out with me, or was it him?" asked Wendy.

"Sometimes one, sometimes the other," said Eibbor. "It was me the night we raided the Dusk 2 Dawn store."

"You lying creeps," said Wendy. "There's no chance I'll ever go out with either of you again."

Robbie said, "Wendy, please..."

She turned her back on him and walked away.

Dipper and Mabel talked.

"I remember some things now," said Dipper. "I used to be a shepherd in ancient Greece, and I traded in my regular body for an android one from the Titans in order to fight the Olympians. You were my twin sister, Callisto."

"I remember, too," said Mabel. "I have an android body, too. That's why Lebam was able to age up. She could probably train us to do that, too."

"Are we going to stay, or call our parents and go home?" asked Dipper.

"They're not our real parents," said Mabel. "Let's stay and try to sort things out here for the rest of the summer."

"If I can be as old as Wendy, maybe I have a real chance with her," Dipper said.

"Give her time to get over the shock, bro," said Mabel.

"Well, it's been a lovely evenin', y'all, but Ah've got to be on mah way," said Gideon.

"Stop," said Lebam. She stared at Gideon, using her vampire charm to freeze him in place. "Vlad, I think we ought to hypnotize this one and make him our human servant. He created me to be his slave, so it would only be fair to make him my slave."

"He knows too much of Gravity Falls secrets to ever be completely harmless," said Vlad. "But you will make me jealous."

"I don't want him that way," said Lebam. "Just to work for us. We can keep him out of trouble."

"As you wish, my dear," said Vlad.

"Also, Vlad, do you mind if I keep this Tambry body, with the hair monster?" asked Lebam. "Tangles is so cute and cuddly-wuddly."

"I don't mind," said Vlad. "It is your bubbly personality I love, much more than your physical form. You make me feel so happy. Will you be my vampire bride?"

"Oh Vlad! Of course!" said Lebam, hugging him, gently because her burned skin was still healing. She looked over at Bela and Acificap. "Would you guys like to make it a double wedding?"

Bela looked blank for a moment, and Acificap began to scowl. Then Bela smiled and nodded. "I would indeed. Acificap, will you marry me?"

"Yes! Oh yes!" Acificap threw herself into his arms.

"Ouch!" said Bela. "My skin is still wounded."

The vampire couples kissed tenderly.

The End