He's So Not Prince Charming

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"Sure your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions."

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'You are in love with him.' Your mind declared, out of the blue.

What? No. No. No!

You started mentally dictating the reasons why it would never work out.

You were not as smart as Minerva. You couldn't protect yourself the way Juliet could. You couldn't pull off your own weight like Holly could. And you were nowhere near as gorgeous as any one of them.

You were not a prodigy or a body-guard or a were just plain, ordinary you.

It was stupid to even think that Artemis would return your feelings.

He'd probably be disgusted.

You watched Artemis and Minerva discuss about something. It was one of those rare times when Artemis eyes glowed with excitement. You tried to understand what they were talking about ('Are they confessing their love to each other in some ancient language?') but the entire thing just rolled over your head.

You turned your attention back to your book, a story book, and you tried not to get depressed all over again. Artemis particularly hated fiction, especially the sappy teen romances you read. He didn't get why you read them. They were so out of touch with reality. Maybe that's why you liked them. You could just pretend that you're the heroine and you have an amazing guy who loves you back.

'None of those guys can hold a candle to Artemis.'

True. Artemis Fowl was a force of nature of his own. He was an absolutely selfish, conceited bastard ninety-nine percent of the time but there was that one percent... when he was not a bastard. He was loyal, no matter how much he declared to be otherwise. He was caring, in his own twisted way. He was like the captain of the ship, never losing sight of his goal. He was stable and reliable and kind and bad in a good way and...

Stop!

You were not in love with him! It would complicate things.

It took you four years to make Mr. Ice admit that he considered you to be a friend. To even imagine him returning your feelings was laughable but that didn't matter because you were not in love with him. You weren't.

You watched Holly playfully smack him and he just rolled his eyes. Of course, you hit him a number of times (it was impossible to not have the urge to strangle him with his tie) but you liked to think it was a privilege limited to only you.

You tried to concentrate on your book. You really did, but it just pissed you off. How come the girl always get the guy she loves? Artemis was right. These books were out of touch with reality. Maybe you should read those sumo-wrestling magazines Juliet kept talking about. The idea of going through pictures of sweaty fat men fighting each other was much more appealing than reading another happily ever after, all of a sudden.

Artemis sat beside you. "You look pale." He handed you over a [your favourite drink] . "Is it that time ofthe-"

You shot him a glare, daring him to finish that sentence.

He rolled his eyes. "It's a natural process."

"Shut up," you said. Really, brain? Him? Really? Were you out of your mind? Were all the other men in this world dead?

Silence.

You were the talkative one. You'd never shut up and he'd just pretend that he was tuning you out but he was actually listening to you. You always took the initiative to start a conversation. You didn't stay quiet.

Talk, [Name], talk!

Your heart started beating faster just by looking at me and your mouth would not open.

"Are you feeling unwell?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

Artemis scowled at you. "I told you not to come with us for this mission. You are useless and a dead-weight. But you always have to come with us for the heck of it. We do not need you to prevent Antarctica from melting."

You were useless. A few years ago, you had discovered about faeries and Artemis's connection with them due to the long hours you clinged to (read: stalked) him. Somehow, you had managed to shove your way into their odd group and if you nagged hard enough, they'd take you with them for missions.

Generally, you'd just yell at him when he said things like that but this time it was different. He was confirming your fears.

You sniffled. You didn't want to do it in front of him but you just couldn't help yourself. You were in love with him but your very existence disgusted him.

You felt him stiffen.

He probably found your tears and snot unsightly. Maybe he was resisting the urge to puke-

You felt something warm being wrapped around you. You looked up to see it was Artemis' precious Armani suit. He had taken it off and wrapped it around you, so that the top of your face and hands were covered.

"Drink that stupid [your favourite drink]. I made Butler bring it for you all the way from the nearest city. Do not waste his hard work," Artemis ordered.

"You suck at comforting people." You attempted to giggle but it sounded more like a croak. "You won't get a girlfriend at this rate."

Artemis gave you a funny look. "I have a world to save. I do not have time for girls."

"I'm seventeen. I think it's high time I get a boyfriend. I can't believe I went through all this years without having even one. Maybe I should agree going out on that date Chix has been begging for." He snatched his suit from you and you pouted. "What?"

"I cannot believe that you need a man to complete you. I thought you were better than that." He sounded angry. You hadn't said anything wrong, so why?

You didn't need a boyfriend. You desperately needed a distraction because you didn't want to fall harder for the young man beside you.

"I'm a normal girl, Artemis. I like the idea of having someone to kiss and cuddle and stuff," you lied. You only liked the idea of kissing and cuddling with Artemis.

"Then get a big teddy bear."

You snorted. "I'm gonna go find Chix. I'll kiss and cuddle him. On second thoughts, I'll just ask Juliet to make me meet one of her guy friends. You know, you should hope that I get a boyfriend. Then I'll be busy and I won't bother you." You stood up and were about to leave, when he grabbed your wrist.

You turned around to look at looked murderous. You'd rarely ever seen him that angry in all the years you've known him.

"Let go off me." And he did what you said. He slipped in his indifferent mask and for a moment you wondered if you had imagined that angry expression.

All of the girls had a day off and you all decided that there would no better way to beat the heat than swimming.

The four of you were in the changing room. Minerva looked bored and Holly and Juliet were having a rather disturbing conversation about the quickest way to break a person's spinal cord.

"So, Minie, are you and Artemis like an item now?" you asked. Why were you asking such a question? Maybe you hoped that if Artemis was with someone you'd get over him more quickly, if ever.

The other two girls stopped talking. Minerva rolled her eyes. Holly laughed. Juliet snorted.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Minerva asked.

"Well, you two seem perfect for each other. Both of you are smart and pretty and all. I think it is a matter of time before you get together," you said. The three girls seemed to be sharing a private joke.

"I respect him, that's all."

You weren't convinced. Speaking of Artemis..

"Juliet, can you set me up in a blind date with one of your guy friends? It's about time I get a boyfriend. I think I'm the only girl of my age who never had a boyfriend."

"No freaking way. I like my guy friends and I prefer them to be alive and kicking," Juliet didn't hesitate to reply.

"I won't kill them," you frowned.

"You won't, but someone else will," Holly said.

You raised an eyebrow. "Who?"

"You owe me," Minerva told Juliet. Juliet sighed and handed over some money to Minerva. Did they bet on something?

"I can't believe you haven't noticed,"Juliet sighed. "These two are so naive."

"Haven't you wondered why you never ever had a boyfriend?"

You gave her blank expression. Of course, you knew. "I'm not attractive enough." You were cute, not pretty, just cute.

"Wrong answer." Juliet made a cross sign with her hands.

"Stop teasing me," you were getting annoyed. They were talking mysteriously and you felt like you were walking in circles, getting nowhere. "Let's talk about something else."

You went out on a date with Chix in the end. Yes, you were that desperate. Chix was downright the most annoying creature (elf or not) you knew but if he could manage to get a certain criminal mastermind out of your mind, you didn't care.

"So, babe," he wrapped his arm around you. "What changed your mind?"

You two had went out for coffee.

Before you could tell him that you were going to cut his hand off, the last person you wanted to see stood in front of you. Artemis Fowl the Second was openly scowling.

Chix shot him a half-hearted glare, but pulled his hand away, as if he was scared or something. "Don't ya know it's rude to interrupt a date? [Name] and I were just about to have an intense make-out session."

"You are coming with me." His voice was without a trace of emotion. He grabbed your wrist and you were too dumbstruck to protest. Why was he so angry at you? You didn't do anything wrong... unless he figured out that you were the one who dyed his hair pink on April's Fool. Shit.

He pulled you into a limousine.

Butler immediately walked out of the car, leaving you two alone.

"Where are we going?" you asked.

Artemis didn't say anything.

Artemis was still quiet.

"Are you kidnapping me?" He did something like that to Holly, too, right?

Artemis snorted at this. "Why would I kidnap you? You are useless. You only cause trouble."

'Useless.'

You had warned yourself before, didn't you? Being in love with Artemis Fowl would only hurt you. You were like a chewing gum, clinging desperately to the back of his shoe.

He was probably expecting a retort, but once again, he didn't get one.

"You've been awfully moody. Does that time of the month last this-"

Screw love, you were gonna strangle this guy with his own intestines.

"I'm a girl, you know? Think before you talk!" You slapped the back of his head.

"You are a girl." He said it slowly. He had a weird expression on his face.

"It isn't that hard to believe! You should treat me as delicately as a girl should be treated with."

He didn't say anything.

"Ugh. You ruined my date."

"I did you a favour." He snapped.

Artemis was always Mr. Cool-as-Cucumber around people but when it came to you he was an absolute and utter snappy asshole.

"No, you didn't!" you yelled.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you do not need a man to complete you? You are not in the nineteenth century! This whole thing makes you even more pathetic!" his voice grew louder.

"Stop meddling in my love life!"

"Let us be honest. You will come crying to me the moment someone breaks your heart and I do not want to waste my time in picking up all those shards and gluing them back together."

"Why, you!" You balled your hands into fists. "Fine, if I'm such a bother, ask Foally to wipe off all my memories of all of you, especially you. If I don't remember you I won't bother you."

This seemed to agitate him even more. "Shut up!" 'Shut up' was such a teenage think to say. You'd never think Artemis would be caught dead saying something like that. "To think that the idea of forgetting me even crossed your mind.." he hissed.

You studied him for a few seconds. Your shoulders slumped in defeat. "You hate me. I get it. I'll stop bothering you. You won't hear a thing from [Name Last-Name] from now on."

You were about to get out of the limousine, but Artemis grabbed your wrist. Artemis was no athlete but he was definitely stronger than you. He turned you around and wrapped his arms around you. "Don't ever turn your back on me."

The hug felt intimate, as if Artemis was showing you his most vulnerable side. His arms tightly wound around your body and no one said a word. Your head was pressed against his chest and you could hear the steady beating of his heart. He held your chin and gently lifted your head. He brushed his lips against yours. Your entire body heated up and your toes curled. You held onto him for support. The kiss was really short but the sweetness of it made you worry that you'd die of diabetes right there and then.

He pushed you away, crossed his hands and looked the other way. He was scowling again.

You must've dreamed the entire thing. There was no way Artemis would do something like that to you.

He turned his face and glared at you. "Confess," he demanded.

"Huh?" You were still dazed.

"Confess that you love me."

You were snapped out of your senses. "Why should I do that?"

He glared at you. "I took the initiative. Now it's your turn to make the next move. Confess that you love me. The cheesier the confession, the better."

"Love isn't chess, Artemis!" you snapped.

"Is there someone else you like? Is that why you refuse to confess?" If looks could kill...

"Of course not, you moron! I love you!" You yelled, angrily.

"I'm not a moron! And confess your feelings for me more sweetly or I will not be your boyfriend."

"What am I supposed to do? Wear a freaking dress, get down on one knee with a bouqet of roses and ask you to date me? In your dreams." He was riling you up like no one else could.

He glared at you and you glared at him right back. "Are you rejecting me?"

"You are the one demanding a confession!"

"So give me one!"

You felt your blood boil. That jerk. "I'm going. Chix's waiting for an 'intense make-out session'."

Artemis immediately pulled you onto his lap. "You gained weight." He wrapped his arms around your waist.

He kissed you. It was rough and hungry. You felt yourself lose to all the raw passion. He let go after a minute.

"Stop playing around with me. If you are so desperate for kisses, go bother Minerva or Holly."

He began playing with your hair. "I am not playing around with you. I'd never play with you because you're boring. You'll always lose and you know how much I like challenges."

You pulled your hair away from his grasp. "I love you." There, you said it. You ripped out your heart and gave it to a monster.

He smirked, as if he just won a game he knew he'd win. "I know."

You got angry, again. "You are supposed to say 'I love you, too'! Stop messing around with my feelings." You felt like you were about to cry.

"I don't know if my feelings for you is love." He was not looking at you. "All I know is that I passionately dislike the idea of you being with other men and that your company makes me happy. If that is love, then, I suppose, I love you."

"Why me?" To you, this was a valid question.

He twitched. "I am extremely fond of you but I am not going to write a love sonnet on the reasons I love you." His tone was dripping with sarcasm.

You twitched. "You are so not gonna be my boyfriend!"

"I will be your boyfriend and you will like it very much, " he said, threateningly.

Before you could protest, he shut you up with his mouth.

Artemis Fowl was so not Prince Charming. He was proud, had intense delusions of greatness and he was the exact opposite of the word 'gentleman'. But, hey, whoever said only Prince Charmings and damsel-in-distresses get their happy endings?