Even the Wind

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MarshmallowClan Challenge — I Can't Stop Bleeding

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•PikaBolt101•

I used to be strong. I used to be proud. I used to believe I could do anything.

I could do anything at all.

Who could blame me? I was only a kit then. An innocent, mindless, foolish young kitten. But even back then, as I walked, head and tail high up, through the crowds, I could hear murmurs. Murmurs that didn't mark sorrow or grief or mockery, but hushed whispers that I was destined for something.

"Brave."

I continued walking.

"Loyal."

For I didn't know they meant me.

"Strong."

Actually… it could have been anyone.

"Destined."

Yes, it could have been any cat. It wasn't ever directed at me. I simply picked those words that they threw over when no one else did, and thus trusted them. In fact, when I heard those mysterious, slithering whispers, their eyes weren't even on mine. Their gazes didn't meet mine. They didn't even turn to look at me.

Maybe they never meant me. It was all my imagination.

Because how could they, when they never even knew me?

As an apprentice, I trained harder than anyone else. I thought being a warrior meant something. I was eager, excited. I could feel my blood pumping and energy boiling as I raced through the trees, flashed past the leaves and left a wind behind me.

I felt so free, so powerful. I felt alive, like I could truly, truly do anything and everything at that very heartbeat.

How the breeze hit my face and ruffled my fur but I didn't care one bit. How it pushed against me, trying to slow me down, but it didn't work one bit. How I kept pushing and pushing and soon, instead of becoming more tired, I felt stronger. My paws felt lighter and my body felt sturdier.

I wanted to impress everyone. I wanted to show them that I was capable of anything they were, and to stop being looked at like I'm young, like I'm weak, like I'm a shadow that hides when the darkness comes or a leaf that flees from the wind.

You are brave.

I wanted to show them, but also prove to myself.

You are loyal.

I would be the best warrior there ever was, I promised.

You are strong.

I kept repeating those words in my head that I thought I had heard. All my surroundings were a blur and my paws felt like they were treading on air and nothing else.

You are destined.

All of a sudden, the horizon seemed much clearer. Was it just me, or something else awakened in me? I wasn't sure, but I didn't care. I didn't care how they would look at me.

Right now, right here… It was enough.

It wasn't a look of tiredness or of exhaustion. It was purely joy and excitement. I was going to be strong. I could literally hear it. Because as the tall grass brushed my pelt as I padded on, I could've sworn I heard those murmurs again, surrounding me, talking to me.

"Good work, my child."

My warrior ceremony was one of the proudest moments of my life. Though no family members or friends existed to congratulate me, or the fact that my cheers weren't as energetic or loud as the other newly-made-warrior's cheers weighed me a bit, it didn't matter. I was still proud of myself right then, and I had tried my best, and will, until the end of time and beyond that too.

But what did bother me was the journey back. While the others received cheerful, eager words of praise and congratulations and licks on their shoulders and ears, mine seemed… dimmer. The words were spoken weakly, almost half-heartedly, like they wanted to get it over with and go to the next one. I wasn't paid attention to.

Like I was just a wind that passed by.

It didn't irritate me as much until one day, I realized I was falling behind. So I vowed to train, to make up for the days when I wasn't the best. But that spark from when I was an apprentice starting diminishing.

It all changed one night, when she came.

Who was she? At first, I didn't know. She appeared to me in my dreams. She must've been from StarClan, right? How else would she reach me through that world? But a tiny voice of confusion kept calling in the back of my mind, a voice of surprise and somewhat disbelief. It was all too sudden and unprepared for. Why me? I wasn't anything special. But it happened.

She told me I was destined for something great. She told me I had power, strength, nobility. All I needed to do was train even harder to unlock it and discover it within myself. So I did.

She was mentor, I was her student. Though I was a warrior, I was a young one at that, and still have many, many moons ahead of me to improve and work harder. She seemed aged, like she died a senior warrior, but I wasn't sure. Her smile, a smile that held confidence and pride in me always warmed me. It made me feel like I was actually appreciated for once.

And so I followed her every night, for she told me she couldn't see me in the day. I was confused, but asked no further questions. She would teach me battle moves, develop techniques and skills for combat, and make me learn more than what my real mentor had ever taught me.

I was amazed.

One night, she told me, "You are brave. You are loyal. You are strong. And you are destined. Don't waste your future."

It was shocking at first, but I couldn't place my paw on where it came from. Somewhere from when I was a young cat, but who said it at first? Was it her? Was she the one who was speaking to me all along?

I put it to the back of my mind and carried on.

Everything shattered in one heartbeat, four moons later.

She sat where we always met, at the border, just edging the territory. I saw her familiar bright, piercing amber eyes. Her skinny figure and dark tabby pelt. We would train out of the clan lands, but she told me it was okay. I trusted her. I trusted her with my life. After all, she gave me everything I dreamed of. Power, knowledge, skill, all to make me the best.

But this time it was different.

"What are we going to do today?" I had asked eagerly, waiting to be surprised with a new technique. But the answer never came.

"You are ready, my child," she only whispered, her lips curving upward into a ghost of a smile, fangs jagged and showing. It was the first time I had seen her that way.

"W-what do you mean?" I asked hesitantly. "Ready for what?"

She stood up and turned away from me. "You are strong, independent, capable of taking over your entire clan if you needed to. All four clans if you had to. You will certainly be leader and the best leader ever known, at that."

"Wait, y-you're not training me anymore?" I stepped forward, eyes widening. I expected one day she wouldn't have to be by my side anymore, but this was so, so… soon. It felt so soon.

"You don't need my help anymore," she only replied, and I noticed for the first time, the raspy whisper in her voice. She turned and stared at me with the most intense gaze I had seen. A bit frightened, I stepped back a pace.

"But do promise me one thing, child," she said sternly, using the same nickname — "child" — for me as she had done every time. "You will take down anyone who's ever gotten in your way, and ever will. You will destroy all that has doubted you, believed you weren't strong enough. You will prove them wrong."

"W-what? I can't!" My eyes widened. Destroy? No, no, that's wrong! I never wanted to do that!

Her orbs suddenly slitted and she hissed. I stopped myself from stepping back again. I could feel the hairs on my neck stand up. Something wasn't right. Everything suddenly seemed darker.

"Tell me, then, what have I trained you for?" she hissed at me.

"T-to be the strongest every cat's ever known," I replied, my voice shaking a bit.

"Why?" she spat with more intensity.

"To be l-leader?" I said, wincing at the questioning tone in my voice.

"Yes, and not just any leader!" she growled. "And you will achieve that by defeating anyone who ever mocked you, or ignored you, or pretended you just weren't there."

"You m-mean, k-kill?" I shook my head, planting my paws on the ground firmly. "No."

She widened an eye. "What did you say?"

"No," I repeated. "I won't. They may have doubted me, but I don't have to kill to be strong."

She spun around, charged at me and her claws gripped my throat.

"I trained you, worked so hard for you, just so you could be powerful!" she hissed in my face. I could feel her filthy, hot breath. "Wasn't that what you wanted, you foolish cat? Wasn't that your dream? To be noticed, to be strong. To finally prove yourself to everyone else. Well now you can have it! Just do as I say!"

"No! I will not kill cats just to have that!" I spat back. "You lied to me!"

"I never lied! I told you I could make you leader, I could make you be recognized as a somebody instead of a nobody, and I will!" she growled, her eyes blazing.

"No…" I slowly whispered, backing away. "No, you're a liar. You're a nobody." And with that, I started running, my emotions building up inside of me. I wanted to cry but I wouldn't. I wanted to yell but I couldn't. I wanted to go back, but I shouldn't.

Everything was wrong.

"If you don't follow what I say, I will kill each and every one of your clanmates in front of your eyes, then kill you," she whispered, almost inaudible, but I caught it. However, I ignored it and kept running. It was just a threat, right? It meant nothing. She couldn't.

…Right?

I used to be strong. I used to have everything I wanted. I had everything when I didn't realize I did, and when I want it back, I know I've already lost it.

I lost everything to her. Just because I trusted her.

Did I really need to go to such lengths just to be noticed? Did I really need to do what I did just to prove myself? No. Because now I understand.

Maybe I felt like a breeze, just passing by and through everyone, but maybe they felt me. Maybe they didn't see me, but I was still there. For I learned now and a little too late, that even the wind leaves its steps on the sand.

Now my claws are old, my pelt is matted, my spirit may be gone forever. My trust, even to myself, is something that I may never know about. Where had that blaze in my heart gone?

With blood at my claws and darkness in my paws, I could only trudge on the path laid out for me. Because as I climbed higher on my way to leader, I could only watch cats around me fall and disappear forever.

And to this day, there's a ghostly lingering feeling, an echoing of that last sentence she spoke to me, the one that maybe I wasn't supposed to catch. A thought haunting me that maybe, just maybe…

She meant it.