5.

Ratchet is Not An Alcoholic, The Bus is Not Haunted, and Denial Makes The World Go 'Round

"Where can we park this thing overnight without getting a ticket?" Rodimus asked. When no one responded he stepped on the brakes, throwing everyone forward into the seat in front of them. "Yo, Magnus, do I have your attention now? What can we do with this thing while we all sleep?"

"Why do you think I would know?" Ultra Magnus asked, sounding more than a little miffed.

"Because you always know all the rules for everything! Seriously, a bus license? Who would even know that?"

"Me," Ratchet offered, while Swerve, Rewind, Rung and Brainstorm all either nodded along or raised their hands.

"The fact that over half of you knew about this regulation and chose not to care that Rodimus is breaking it disturbs me more than if you all simply didn't know," Ultra Magnus muttered.

"All the big box stores let you park overnight and sleep in their parking lots," Drift said. "As long as you don't try and live there or something."

"Is this something you know from experience?" Ultra Magnus asked, frowning. Drift shrugged.

"Ma-aybe."

"It's probably a drug addict thing. Chromedome could probably tell you the same things," Whirl said loudly.

"Shut the fuck up Whirl," Rewind said. "I should probably just make a recording of that so I don't have to waste energy saying it all the time."

"That's lazier than me," Swerve said. "But maybe, given the amount of times you've said that already, it's a good idea."

"We're stopping at the next big store we come across," Rodimus announced, but no one was really listening to him. Attention was on Whirl, who was getting into full asshole swing.

"Why do we know so many addicts anyway? There's those two" - Drift sighed and rolled his eyes, and Chromedome just sort of shrugged, letting Rewind snarl at Whirl for him - "and Trailcutter and Ratchet -"

"I object to that!" Ratchet interrupted. "I'm not an alcoholic."

"You spent the first half of today complaining that there's no alcohol on the bus," Swerve said, side-eyeing Ultra Magnus as a way of trying to convey to everyone else, 'don't mention the bar.'

"What, it's vacation, and if I'm gonna be around you guys I need something in my system."

"The fact that you need alcohol to function would indeed suggest you are an alcoholic," Rung chimed in quietly. "What do you think the definition of it is?"

"Thanks a lot," Ratchet grumbled. "What happened to solidarity of future medical professionals?"

"You seem to have a strange idea of what a medical professional is, if you think they would condone drinking yourself to death."

"Not me, just my liver - or it would be if I were an alcoholic, which I'm not!"

"Really good case studies," Brainstorm said, throwing a grin at Rung. "You could probably get credit for an internship by sorting out everyone's issues on this bus."

"I think it'd be fun to psychoanalyze the cultist," Whirl said loudly.

"Shut up or I'll throw you out the window." Cyclonus's voice drifted lazily up from the front of the bus. A buffer of a row isolated him from Ultra Magnus and Rodimus, and then four rows behind him the rest of the bus's occupants had found their places - except for Tailgate, who'd slowly bounced forward from seat to seat, ending up across the aisle from Cyclonus, trying for the past three hours to engage him in conversation.

"Let's be honest, who here would actually have a problem with that?" Swerve asked. "Anyone?"

"I think, on principle, I must lodge an objection," Ultra Magnus replied.

"It's not like I like any of you either," Whirl said, maybe a bit too defensively. "Hey -" He hopped up from his seat and moved forward until he settled in the seat directly behind Cyclonus. Standing up, he leaned over the back and looked down at Cyclonus, lying curled on his seat with his head in his arm. He looked up at Whirl with a truly fearsome death glare. "Another fight, loser gets ditched on the side of the road?"

Cyclonus continued to stare at him and finally, his only response was to hiss, like an angry cat or a rattlesnake. Tailgate blanched, and it was either bravery or ignorance that kept him in that same seat. "Oh, are you trying to sleep? It's barely midnight. Who sleeps before midnight?"

"Anyone who's not a college student."

"Yeah, but you're like -"

"Go away."

Whirl shrugged and vaulted a few seatbacks to get back to his place. "How old are you?" Tailgate asked.

"Young enough to think that hitchhiking to the other side of the country was a good idea, but old enough to think that you're all idiots."

"So, my age," Ratchet said. "Like 24. Because that's exactly how I feel."

"A little older than that, because I think you're an idiot too," Cyclonus told him. Ratchet grumbled something that sounded like "not drunk enough for this." Rung pursed his lips together disapprovingly.

"You're a goddammed therapist - or you will be!" Ratchet snarled. "You're not supposed to judge! Especially in cases of addiction, that's not -"

"Wait, like ten seconds ago you were arguing that you're NOT an alcoholic," Chromedome said. "I mean, not that I'm saying you're wrong about this, but..."

"Damn, I want popcorn for this shit," Brainstorm said, grinning like a lunatic. Cyclonus groaned and threw his other arm over his head.

"Personally I think you're all just weak, pathetic losers," Whirl said. Rewind held his phone in the air and tapped the screen, and a robotic female voice droned, "shut the fuck up, Whirl."

"And it says something about you that you have no friends besides us, now doesn't it?" Chromedome said smugly.

Whirl stared to respond, but everyone was distracted as the bus bounced, driving over a curb with a loud KA-THUNK.

"You have some serious problems with turning in and out of parking lots, don't you?" Rewind asked. Rodimus glared up in the review mirror.

"Don't talk; you don't even know how to drive."

"Neither do you, so at least I know my limits."

"I actually have a driver's license, thank you very much!"

"But not a bus license," Ultra Magnus reminded him. Rodimus rolled his eyes.

"Seriously, Magnus, just let it go."

Farther back in the bus, Brainstorm burst into song.

"I will not," Magnus grumped, folding his arms over his chest.

Rodimus shut the bus off and stood up. "Well, here we go, everyone, our first day of travel is done. We've gained two new friends, run over a few curbs, and more or less discovered that we all secretly hate each other. It's off to a good start, isn't it?"

"All good journeys of self-discovery are difficult," Drift said. "Did we expect anything otherwise?"

"Thought this was supposed to be a vacation," Ratchet growled.

"Okay, I guess we did."

Rodimus jumped up and trotted back to join the others. Ultra Magnus trailed behind him, still frowning. "So!" Rewind said brightly, looking up from his phone at the gathered group. "Mission briefing time. We'll get to Delphi tomorrow around lunchtime, even if we get a later start than we did today - er, yesterday, since it's past midnight."

"Can we get out of the bus more than we did today?" Swerve asked. "Because I am gonna go crazy if we spend another whole day cooped up on this thing."

The engine sputtered to life, growling for a few seconds, and died.

"I think the bus takes offense to that," Chromedome said.

"Funny, Rodimus," Brainstorm said. Rodimus shook his head and held up the keys.

"Spirits," Drift suggested.

Ratchet rolled his eyes. "There's no such thing as -"

The lights went out.

"...ghosts."

"Do you amend your previous statement?" Drift asked.

"No. I stand by it and also the fact that you bought a shitty-ass bus."

A few phones emerged from pockets to cast a faint bit of light. "This is how horror movies start," Whirl said, grinning, and the white his phone cast on his face made him look positively demonic. "So. Won't this be fun."

"Yeah, I've always wanted to be one of the moron kids who dies first in a slasher film because they didn't think to lock the car door," Rewind said.

"Do bus doors even lock?" Swerve asked. Everyone looked to Rodimus, who shrugged (un)helpfully. "They must. Right?"

"Now would be a great time for scary stories," Brainstorm said. He curled himself up onto his seat, using his briefcase as a pillow, staring at the ceiling. "Is that a thing you outgrow? I hope not."

"I've got one specifically for Ultra Magnus," Whirl said. "Three words: rule-breaking delinquents."

"I am on a bus filled with them," Ultra Magnus replied. "If you scared me, I wouldn't be here trying to wrangle you all into line."

"Can we not do scary stories?" Tailgate asked, standing up and starting to move to join the friendlier people. "Like, can we not? I'm not good with ghosts."

"You look like one, though," Chromedome said, chuckling. Tailgate stopped and looked down at his sweatshirt – bright white in the darkness did have that effect.

"Relax, freshie," Rodimus said. "Ghosts, if they're even real, aren't solid, they can't reach out and grab you on the shoulder –"

At which point Tailgate let out an earpiercing shriek and began flailing. "Something just touched me get away get away –"

"I stand corrected."

Author's note: I hate putting author's notes in, but not everyone looks at the profile so I will let you know here that a) my username is now Rodimiss, and b) I am attempting to perform necromancy on this story, although this chapter and one more have been sitting around since May.