Chapter 6: Doubt's Specter

The trip to the Northern Water Tribe was going smoothly, but being on a Fire Nation ship does lead to a lot of boredom. Not from lack of trying either. Sokka was sure that the Fire Nation soldiers would be pretty similar to the guys back home, but they kept their distance and took their job seriously. Ultimately, Sokka chose to respect that. Respect doesn't turn into hours of entertainment, though, so it didn't solve the initial problem. Zuko was also keeping his distance, but he was harder to figure out. Unlike the guards, they weren't strangers and Zuko didn't appear to be official when Sokka was around, yet he seemed stiff nonetheless. At the very least, it gave Sokka time to think. Honestly, that was probably for the best. Spending hours in thought in his room and unwinding with walks around the ship—after memorizing the schedule of the men, so Sokka wouldn't get in the way while they were trying to work.

Sokka's departure from the Southern Water Tribe was rough—to say the least—and it had been the subject of introspection. The scene with Katara on the hill came back vividly. The revelation that maybe the change was a combination of both Yue and Sokka. After all, this desire was old. Before Yue and Sokka had ever met.

Standing alone in the dark quarters, the room was lit only by a single candle. Still, the room was large enough to allow a table and mat for eating, study, and thought. Sokka was kneeling at the table, his brow furrowed with concentration. He looked down at his hands and arms. They were thin, but muscle tone was appearing under soft skin. He closed his right hand into a fist and felt some real strength for the first time in months. He patted his stomach, which felt less soft and more taunt. Inevitably, his hands drew up and he touched his chest. Even though he spent so longer hiding them, he was never afraid of his breasts. Ashamed for all the wrong reasons: what if someone found out he didn't mind them? Sokka still wanted to be strong, but he also didn't mind looking like a girl. He wanted his enemies to fear him, but he also didn't mind being thought of as cute. Zuko appeared briefly in his mind and he felt heat racing to his face.

Sokka shaked his head and slapped his cheeks. He leapt to his feet and walked around the chamber for a few seconds. He cleared his throat and coughed and did some stretches in a desperate attempt to shake off any strange thoughts. After a moment, he decided that he really needed some fresh air.

He opened the door and took a step outside and immediately felt something heavy hit him. Sokka nearly fell, but managed to catch himself with his foot. Before he could even look to see what hit him, a hand grabbed Sokka's arm. Getting ready for a fight, he turned with a glare but only found Zuko looking concerned.

"Are you all right? Did I hurt you?"

Sokka opened his mouth, but then closed it. He kept trying to ignore thoughts that kept appearing in his head. "Of course I'm all right. I'm Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe. It takes more than running into someone to hurt me." He laughed a little too loudly, caught himself and then cleared his throat.

"We haven't spoken for a while," Zuko said and then gestured for Sokka to follow him.

Not having any better plans, Sokka obeyed and followed Zuko onto the bow of the ship. Out in the open sea air, Sokka had to hold his hand up to keep his hair from flying everywhere. The wind was warm and Sokka was glad he was wearing her light tunic. "I've been doing a lot of thinking."

"About?" Zuko asked.

Sokka smiled and then blushed and then looked away, hoping Zuko didn't notice. "A lot of things, but mostly about what I told Katara back at the village before we left."

"What did you two talk about?" Zuko said, leaning against the railing of the ship.

"About a lot of things—mostly about me. We talked about Suki and how she thought that Suki shouldn't have left and that I didn't fight hard enough to make her stay."

Zuko pulled himself away from the railing and looked at Sokka. "Well, I've often been told that love is often something one does fight for. Relationships are hard and sometimes you need to fight to keep one alive."

"I don't doubt that's true, but it's difficult when someone just isn't attracted to you anymore." Sokka looked down at the water.

The Fire Lord scratched his cheek and said, "Yeah, I can actually see how that would be a difficult situation."

Sokka rolled his eyes. "At least someone does." He looked back to Zuko and said, "But it wasn't just about that. I'm not really convinced that…"

"What?" Zuko looked down at him with his complete attention. It seemed that Zuko realized this was important.

Holding out his hands in front of him, Sokka said, "Now, I know this is going to sound crazy…"

"You can tell me, Sokka."

Dropping his hands back to his sides, Sokka breathed deep and said, "I think that I've always been different. I tried my best to be a boy because it was expected of the son of the chief. Not to mention, my father was a shining example to me of what it meant to be a man. It became important to me to live up to his example. I thought…" Sokka stopped for a moment. "I thought that if I became like my dad that I would be just like him, so these feelings and thoughts would go away. But they never did. Then I began changing and started to feel better about myself and my body. I started to be happy, but I also got scared because I didn't want so many things to change—you know how well that turned out."

"Yeah," Zuko said.

"My body changing made me confront something that I've always kept secret: I wanted to be a girl. I've always been jealous of Katara, so I used to give her a hard time."

"Really?"

"To be honest, I've been freaking out about it for a long time, but it wasn't for the usual suspects. I'm scared of this change. I'm scared of everything changing, but I'm not scared of being a woman. I'm not upset over growing boobs. I'm not upset over looking like a girl. I'm not upset over getting slimmer and more…shapely. I was upset of being seen as a woman and having people look down on me because it. I was afraid of people thinking it was a weakness, that I wasn't the same person I always was. Worse, I was afraid that people would judge me for being so different."

The Fire Lord looked away, out at the horizon, and said, "Fears and anxiety grown from a rejection of change and fear of things no longer being the same." He walked over to the railing and leaned over, bracing himself with his hands. "You and the world seem to have that in common. So many people want to keep hating the Fire Nation just because it's what they've always done. So many people in the Fire Nation want to keep thinking they're better than everyone else because it's how they've always felt."

Sokka smiled and said, "You sound a bit like your uncle."

Zuko smiled back. "That's perhaps the best compliment someone can give me." He turned back to the ocean. "But when the world sees us giving aid, finding solutions to the problems with the colonies, and even humbling ourselves for the sake of peace—it ruins their image of the Fire Nation as a bunch of villains. Likewise, it makes them afraid. Makes people question our motives." He pulled off the railing and turned back to Sokka. "Ultimately, what they think doesn't matter as much as what we think. If we believe that we're better, we're doomed to repeat history. Instead, change begins at home. And here's the important part: things never stay the same; things are always in a constant state of change."

Sokka gave a smirk. "Look at you: thinking you're so smart."

"Hey! Trying to help here."

Giving a nod, Sokka said, "Yeah, I know. Thanks. I guess what matters most is how I think about this change and not about anyone else." With that, he stepped over to Zuko and placed his hands on Zuko's shoulder, looking up into his eyes. Zuko's eyes widened with surprise and his cheeks turned a bit pink. "Zuko."

"Yeah?" Zuko asked with a squeak. He coughed and cleared his throat. "I mean, yes?"

Sokka smiled and said, "I'm a girl. Inisde and out. I guess you can say that I'm coming out to you, Zuko. I always have been this way. I finally admitted it to myself."

The Fire Lord went silent for a moment and then said, "So then this change was kind of a good thing for you?"

"The transition could have been less rough. I could have dealt with not losing Suki in the process, but yeah. I guess you could say that my biggest, darkest wish has come true." Sokka suddenly became aware with how close he was to Zuko and stepped backward. He felt oddly hot and could hear his heart beating in his ears.

He stood in silence for a while, just looking out at the waves. Sokka remained silent too, trying his best not to think, honestly. He had been doing so much lately that his mind felt burnt out. Waves of relief washed over Sokka from just standing in silence with Zuko, feeling his support and his wish to respect his unspoken wish for silence. They stood there listening to the waves break against the ship and the footsteps of the soldiers going about their orders. The sun put a warm blanket of heat against their skin and while Sokka was sweating, he was enjoying it. Zuko seemed unfazed by the heat, without a single drop of sweat despite being in full uniform.

Finally, Sokka turned to Zuko and asked, "You wanna talk about something other than me now?"

He looked taken by surprised by the offer, he coughed and said, "Oh, yeah, of course. Uh, what did you want to talk about?"

"Let's talk about the weather or the something. Something that doesn't matter. Something that doesn't involve stress." Sokka crossed his arms and closed his eyes.

Giving a small smile, Zuko said, "Alright. I like being in this part of the sea. There's always a good, warm breeze coming off of the water." He pointed to a far off island. "That island over there has the perfect beaches for swimming. Always warm water. Just the right amount of fish at the end of the day for dinner." He put his hands on his hips. "Honestly, I haven't been there at all since I became the Fire Lord. Never any time. Always running to the Earth Kingdom to settle some colony business—there's always something annoying happening in the colonies."

"We were supposed to be talking about things that didn't involve stress," Sokka said, smirking up at the young man.

Zuko rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry, I have a hard time not thinking about this kind of stuff."

Sokka looked out at the island shrinking into the distance. "You must know a lot of little islands because of your time in exile."

"Yeah," Zuko said, but he didn't stop looking at Sokka. He could see that he was still looking at him in his peripheral vision. He shook his head. "Yeah, I do. Unfortunately, I didn't take the time to marvel at their beauty or appreciate their wonders back then. I still have a hard time relaxing, but it was much worse when I was in exile. I was constantly focused on finding the Avatar and finally making my father proud of me—a worthless cause."

Turning around, Sokka leaned against the railing and said, "In the end, you ended up with us on Team Avatar. It's where you were always meant to end up. I think Iroh always knew it. He saw something inside you and knew who you really were."

He nodded. "I wish I could have seen it sooner and realized how far gone the Fire Nation was—a lot of things could have been avoided if I had."

Sokka frowned. "Are you still worrying about that? It's been years. What matters is where you ended up in the long run, not the route that it took to get you there." He walked over and gave Zuko's arm a light punch. "You're one of us."

Zuko looked down at him for a moment and then gave a smile. "Thanks."

He snapped his fingers and pointed up at him. "No problem." He laughed, taking Sokka by surprise. "What?"

Shaking his head, he held up a hand and said, "Sorry, sorry. You're still you, which is a bit weird—you have to admit. It's just strange seeing a girl being so…Sokka."

"I'm still learning to be me again," Sokka said. "But yeah, I suppose I can see how that would be a bit weird. When I look at my reflection, I can hardly recognize myself. I just see a girl looking back at me."

Zuko put his hand on Sokka's shoulder. "You're still you, though. That's what matters, right?"

Sokka turned to him and suddenly became aware of the man's hand on his shoulder. His cheeks grew hot and he nodded. "Oh, yeah, of course."

"Something wrong?" Zuko asked.

He waved his hands in front of him. "No, no. I'm fine. Totally fine." Now he coughed. "So, uh, how much longer until the North Pole?"

He shook his head and said, "A while yet, I'm afraid. We're probably nearing the halfway mark soon."

Sokka turned and took a few steps away and said, "Maybe I kinda feel like I know what Yue might say."

Zuko turned to look at him. "What's that?"

"Yue is no longer a mortal. She's a spirit. She has this connection to me. Maybe she sensed what was inside me." He didn't turn around to look at Zuko. "Maybe she did do this on purpose. Maybe she granted my deepest, darkest wish."

Blowing out a sigh, Zuko said, "If spirits were so easy to figure out, we wouldn't need to talk to them. But, they are really complicated and strange to us. That's why we need the Avatar."

Sokka looked at the deck for a moment and then turned around. "You think we should have brought Aang and Katara with us?"

"Aang would have undoubtedly helped with Yue and getting you access to where you needed to go, but all of the stress you were experiencing at home would have also followed you. I think you needed this time away to gather your thoughts." He crossed his arms and looked toward the north. "Besides, Aang's going to be waiting."

Sokka's brows descended. "What?"

Zuko gestured out to the sea and said, "Think about it. You're the Avatar. One of your closest friends is about to go confront a very powerful spirit. Would you just sit around and do nothing?"

"Well, when you say it like that..." Sokka said, avoiding Zuko's eye contact.

"Relax," Zuko said, smiling at him. "You have a while yet to figure out what you're going to say to Katara."

Suddenly, all of Sokka's confidence that he had made the right decision had come crashing down. Maybe he had acted recklessly and allowed his anger and stress to get the better of him. He should have asked Aang and Katara to come. They had always done so much together. It seemed that his selfish behavior was still causing trouble for everyone around him. Everyone was trying to explain it to him back home, but he wasn't listening. He wanted to fix this himself, but now he doubted if he even wanted his body to be fixed. Maybe if Katara had been here, he would have figured this out sooner.

Sokka frowned. All these maybes were giving him a headache.