Do you sometimes wonder what the fuck happened to the huntsman? You know, in Snow White. She got her Prince, whilst the huntsman probably would end up alone. The Prince merely kissed her, whereas the other guy saved her life, risking his own. No reward for him though, of course.

I see a fairytale character in everyone. Clyde, one of the three piggys. Seriously, I love that kid, he's my best friend, but I'd be lying if I said he wasn't a bit dumb and porky. Not Cartman size, but still a little on the chubby side.

Token, the side character. He's really nothing more than a backdrop. Whether a guest at a party, or that talking spoon in Beauty and the Beast. He stays neutral about everything, never causes trouble... He's just not that interesting for a rich kid. I mean, sure, he's in love with Clyde, which must get him some recognition, but I really don't what else to put him as because, well, there's a huge lack of black characters in these tales.

Cartman, the Big Bad Wolf. The Queen in Snow White. The witch in Hansel and Gretel. The wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. The giant in Jack and the beanstalk... You see where I'm going with this.

He is the most sadistically cruel matured person I have ever met, and he is not getting any better. Over the years he's simply increased in size, be it his width or his head. He thinks everyone likes him, as he always has, but that's bull. We wouldn't care if he got run over, that's how bad he is. Even Stan, Kenny and Kyle have slowly been abandoning him, ignoring him for weeks to give him the idea. So far, he hasn't caught on.

Stan, the Prince. The Mary Sue equivalent of a man. If that boy could seem any more perfect, he would sparkle like Edward Cullen. It sickens me.

His grades match even Kyle's, and you know how high that is. But it's not like it's because of has brain power or or anything, he just revises. All night long. He even ignores his girlfriend for it. Of course, Wendy still stricken with him. He is Stan Perfect Fucking Marsh, after all.

You want to know something? He's not always doing his homework. Unless it's name begins with a K and has ginger hair.

Oh yes. Kyle, the ultimate partner in crime. Hansel to his Gretel, the pigs to, uh, eachother, the Godmother to Cindarella. He's the best friend of Stan Marsh, to no surprise. He's not a protagonist, like Goldilocks or anything, but he's pretty damn close. With his extreme intelligence, admittedly attractive looks, and clever wit, he makes the perfect friend or ally to the main character. Like Robin to Batman, or something. Although we're not comparing to comic characters. Sorry.

Kenny, the King in Snow White. He basically lets people walk all over him. Maybe it's the multiple deaths that wear him down, - we started remembering them sometime in 6th grade when the curse was somehow broken - or the fact he's severely in love with Butters. It's obvious, but the wimpy blonde chooses to ignore it, fearing what his parents would say if he acted on what Kenny felt. He's Goldilocks by the way; always the innocent one that gets in trouble with the bears...Also known as Mr and Mrs Scotch.

That leaves me with two others, because I genuinely don't give a shit about anyone else. Tweek Tweak, and me.

I could write a fucking book about Tweek. Always the damsel in distress. Snow White, Rapunzel, Cindarella... The beautiful, vulnerable baby everyone wants to love, everyone wants to protect. In real life, it's kind of like he is out of a fairy tale. With his soft, golden locks, almost feminine features, and deliciously innocent persona... Honestly, he's so innocent and oblivious to anything outside of gnomes - don't even get me started - you could even compare him to Butters. And that says a lot.

And me? Well, I'm that huntsman we talked about. You see, no matter how many times I save Snow White, no matter how big the feat, that princess is gonna get her fucking Prince. And that's why I see Tweek and Stan going at it behind the library every day at 5:30. Fuck Wendy. Fuck Kyle. Fuck me. They just live in their own blissful fairytale, ignoring everyone else in their own blissful world.

I guess there is one major difference between fairytales and my friends, though.

Not everyone gets their happily ever after.

D'aww this was hard for me to write. Poor Craig! Review so I too can sparkle like Edward Cullen (: