Apocalypse Now

1

Everyone on the Rez knows that every Friday Leah prays to the porcelain Gods. And like clockwork, she retches, head bowed, knees bent. It is the closest thing to praying Leah has done for a while.

She leans closer to the toilet, letting a spew of vomit exit her lips. It splashes loudly in the toilet but Leah barely notices. Her head hovers precariously, her hair licking the edges of an abused toilet seat in a sleepy pub on the outskirts of Forks.

The first time Leah had decided to drink until she vomited, Jacob has been there, holding back her hair and telling her that he wouldn't say a word to her mother.

Lead does not remember a thing, but Jacob tells her that that day, all she could do was ask for her father.

"Tell my dad I need him."

And Jacob wouldn't dare - couldn't dare tell a drunk Leah that her father could not help her. Not now - not ever again.

Leah remembers the fifth or sixth time she'd been drunk. A family barbecue in the summer. It was 9 at night in her backyard and all her aunts and uncles crowded around a great bonfire, talking about Harry and football. The beer had felt warm in her stomach and the fireflies danced like tiny flames in the night air.

Then Emily appeared, not looking Leah in the eye. Leah drowned four more beers without stopping and stormed into the house, searching for her mother.

When she had found her in the laundry room, searching for tablecloths and plastic forks, Leah approached her, slurring over her words and demanding that she tell her why she invited such a fucking bitch - such a traitor - to their family party.

Her mother slapped her so hard that Leah forgot to be drunk. Sue's eyes were on fire yet were swallowed by moisture all the same.

"Emily is family," Sue turns away, not looking at the deep red mark appearing on Leah's brown skin. "Harry was her father's brother. Her Uncle. You share blood; therefore she is here." Then Sue turns to look Leah in the eye, sighing like all the life has left her body, "and you don't have to be if you keep drinking in my house."

Leah had stared at her as her mother left, a pile of bright green tablecloths in her arms and a frown pulling at the corner of her mouth. Leah remembers staring at the wall that night, wishing she could disappear into the ground.

She hates me, Leah had thought, My mother hates me.

The only other time that rings clearly in her memory is when she was with Seth- or more accurately-Seth found her slaving away at some vodka in the back of Sam's parent's garage. The rest of the Rez boys had been there earlier, but they had all dispersed due to orders from their girlfriends or mothers.

Leah remained though, her dress with the daisies all bunched up around her thighs and she alone wishing that at least Jacob had staid. At least to keep the jokes running.

And then Seth had come around the corner, took one look at her, and started crying. What a baby, Leah had thought, My poor baby brother. He had only been fifteen and everything in his life had been ripping at the seams and tiny stitches that he had believe God had sewn well and strong. Because, his father was supposed to still be alive, and his mom wasn't supposed to be feeding Bella's dad dinner, and Leah was supposed to marry Sam, and Emily was supposed to be baking cookies, not having children with his sister's boyfriend.

Seeing Seth crying had sobered her like that slap from her mom. It had been a long time since their dad died, but Seth cannot stomach it all, even after a few years had passed. The kid couldn't very well break up with any of his girlfriends without starting to cry with them.

So she took her baby brother into her sloppy arms, hidden in her ex-boyfriends garage at his baby shower.

Her mom hadn't even made her come to Emily's baby shower; Leah had gone willingly, only to make Sue happy. She had considered bringing Emily old baby clothes that they had picked out years ago, but figured that it would've been in bad taste.

These days, Leah would do anything to make her mom happy- even be Emily's goddamn maid of honor if that's what it'd come down to.

Sue had always been on Emily's side anyway- when they were kids, she had always believe Emily's side of the story, always gave Emily the bigger piece of chocolate, always kissed both her cheeks in the morning (even the scarred side), and bought her sparkly shoes with rhinestones on them.

Seth had told Leah that that was 'cause Sue had felt bad for her, that the marks on Emily's face would never go away, and that since Emily's mom had passed from that accident, Sue would do whatever she could to make Emily feel loved.

Leah did not know that including Emily meant forgetting all about her.

It is evident now. Wherever Emily goes, Leah must leave. Sam had made all that perfectly clear and three years later, it was all so perfectly clear and the wound still fresh.

It hadn't taken long at all for her place to be taken. She was 15 and in love when Emily had come-and the poor girl was only 14 and abused when she began living with them.

Harry would never forgive his brother for turning his niece's skin purple and blue, drunk or not. Sue gave her the spare room and a new life. Leah let her into her group of friends at school-not her boyfriend's pants. That part, Emily had achieved all by herself.

But no matter how many times a 17 year old Leah looked on to Emily's scarred face and content smile, she had never saw it coming. Not even as Emily grinned prettily and told her how Sam was nice and smart and handsome and that Leah was so so lucky. Not even when Emily braided her hair too tight and continued to tell Leah how lucky she was, did she see any of it coming.

Leah got pregnant her junior year. Her father would not look at her for three weeks.

Sam's parents did not invite her to dinner anymore- which was completely infuriating. Leah had not gotten pregnant on her own!

But Sam was loyal. He touched her stomach and told her that she was beautiful everyday. And that after they had their baby, they would get married, and he would go to college, and then when he graduated, she would go too and become a lawyer or something grand and exciting and expensive like that.

They would be just fine.

She and Emily shopped for baby clothes and argued over cute baby names. Leah was 17 and stupid, Emily was 16 and jealous.

That October, she was supposed to be three months pregnant. Instead, she had lost the child and was told she could never have kids again.

She would never forgive Sam for the look of relief that had flashed across on his face. It had only lasted half a second, but she caught it, and it hurt.

Her father sat with her in the hospital all day and told her that he was sorry and he had been really excited to be a grandfather. When she told him that he was making her feel like shit, he continued good-naturedly, patting her hands and continuing to speak. He told her that one day he would be, and they would be her children. He told her that Leah was born from the strongest woman in Washington-in the world maybe, and that Leah was just like her; made for moving mountains and causing miracles to fall from the sky and into her waiting palms.

By January, Harry was gone. Heart attack. The doctors couldn't do anything to save him and his chestnut eyes, full of love are steadily fading from Leah's memory.

It was just after graduation that she found them together, under piles of sheets, dirtied by their sin.

Hair the color of night spilled over Emily's bare brown shoulders and covered her scarred face like it was hiding a secret. Her breasts bounced with each movement and her eyes-her eyes Leah's father's-like his brother's, fluttered open to stare at her in surprise.

Leah stared at the nail imprints in Sam's back, focusing on the little green dots of paint on her cousin's nails, instead of at the moving bodies in front of her. Sam hadn't even noticed her and was making more noise than he had ever made with her.

His mouth ravaged Emily's skin as she looked at Leah and Leah looked at her hands.

Emily had never made him stop and Sam had not noticed Leah was there, too far deep into her cousin to notice.

His moaning became louder and Emily closed her eyes on Leah, clutching Sam's hair between her fingers and moving against him, meeting each thrust with a wail of her own. Emily attacked his neck with kisses as their hips met and the groaning rose.

Leah would never forget and she let out a noise that sounded a little like death and her fingernails dug holes into her skin and her fingernails dug holes into her skinand oh god her hands were fucking bleeding and Sam was done and Sam was saying I love you Sam was saying I love you Emily and Sam was kissing her mouth and Emily was looking at Leah and Emily was closing her eyes and smiling and saying I love you I love you so fucking much Sam, more than Leah could, more than anyone in this world Sam

I love you Emily

I love you Emily

I love you

Leah vomits.

The Forks pub is pretty much as lively as it is ever going to get. She wipes her mouth shakily. The toilet looks like two instead of one. Great. Now she doesn't even know where to aim.

She stands, wobbly even in her busted converse, and staggers back to the bar. At least now, she can drink legally. She's just turned 21 and doesn't know what to do with her life.

But hey! She can go buy a vodka tonic and drink until the bartender stops her.

Except this time, the bartender doesn't stop her. He just keeps passing her more and she's fucking wasted. She can barely hold the cup steady in her hands, the world blurs so bad she might not even make it to the bathroom anymore.

In fact when she's halfway there, she's sure she won't. The lights are dimming all around her and she is losing her balance. After what seems to be three years of falling, she is on her back and sure that she is finally dying. There are tears at the corner of her eyes, because maybe, this is what she's been waiting for all along. It's a good way to die too, because there is a stranger with a voice like honey holding her shoulders and calling her darlin'.

Darlin', you'll be just fine.

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