~{Life to Life}~

~{A Bellisle love story}~

~{Our soul mate is the one that brings life to life}~

Richard Bach

~{Chapter one}~ [Memories]

"You...don't...want me?"

"No."

"Well this changes things."

"Of course, I'll always love you...in a way. But what happened the other night made me realise that it's time for change. Because I'm...tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't. Don't do this."

"You're not good for me, Bella."

"If...that's what you want."

No, I don't want to remember this. Anything but this. Anything but him.

"I would like to ask one favour, if that's not too much."

"Anything."

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him."

"I will."

I won't! I won't do anything you want! I shouldn't bloody have to! Not after you left me like you did.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."

And then he had the nerve to fucking smile! Bastard.

"Don't worry," he says. "You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." The nerve! He doesn't know Jack shit about what I went through, what I'm still going through!

I screamed at him, shouted all the words I wanted to stay; that I still wanted to say. But the gentle smile stayed on his cruel lips, and then he was gone. He's always gone. I didn't need to see what happened next, I still felt like I was living it. Lying there on the forest floor, hugging my sides and sobbing my heart out into the dirt. Pathetic.

Clenching my eyes and flailing my limbs around hysterically, I felt myself come to with a sharp pulse in my hand. I must have hit it off of something; it wouldn't be the first time.

It's the 9th of May. The day I've been dreading for weeks now. The day I was going back to where it all ended. Forks.

I grunted irritably as I pulled myself up into a sitting position, squinting into the day lit room that had been my own for the past 5 months. The small box room was pretty basic, lime green and white walls with a oak desk, a set of draws and a bed. It wasn't great but I didn't mind, it's not like I would have much to fill the space with. Renee and Phil had offered to get a TV put up in here but I'd refused; explaining I didn't plan to stay much longer. Sometimes I felt like I was reminding myself more than them.

I could hear Phil already downstairs, whistling to himself as he prepared breakfast for the long day I was about to delve into. I felt sick with nerves and a big part of me wished I'd simply declined Charlie's wedding invitation; I'm sure he would have understood. It would have been cowardly though and Charlie may have understood but it didn't mean he would have to like it. I scratched my head and yawned, glancing at my alarm clock and sighing; I don't have to be up for another two bloody hours. I suppose it gives me time to work on what I'm going to say to Charlie once I get there. A simple 'how have you been' didn't sound very suffice worthy.

Climbing out of bed, I rubbed my hand where a bruise was sure to form and I turned the alarm off so it didn't blare later. Alarm clocks have come to irritate me beyond measure, the damn sound makes the muscles in my neck tense and I grit my teeth. I guess I should be glad through, without the alarm; I'm not sure I'd ever get out of bed. Back in San Francisco, I used to unplug the alarm the night before and simply smoke green all day when I eventually woke up around noon. Those were the days I missed. I can't do that here though, Renee freaks if she even so much as smells smoke on me which is silly considering we're all very aware of my new habit.

I made my way to the bathroom stiffly and sat down on the toilet, blinking at myself in the reflection of the side mirror. I looked different. Enough so for me to really notice it. In my dreams, I'm back there; 18 years old again with smooth skin and pale but healthy features. The baby fat that softened my features was long gone. Now my face looked rough, my skin pasty with blemishes. My hair untamed in a tangled mess; it rarely got a brush through it. Somehow my eyes sunk even more, bruises constantly underneath them. I try to draw attention away from it with eyeliner and heavy mascara when I can feel bothered but I never have the will to spend time taking it off. Like last night for instance. Now I looked very much like a sick homeless girl with panda eyes. Fucking brilliant.

I flushed the toilet and stood up; wincing at the ache in my lower back, this time watching my alien reflection in the mirror above the sink. I'm hideous. Actually hideous. I'm not even surprised he left, I can't imagine what he'd say if he saw me now. He'd be repulsed no doubt. I know I am.

I watched my hands as I washed them, not wanting to spend any more time looking at myself. I trudged back into my room. Two hours with my own thoughts for company. Hell.

I was glad that Phil had knocked on me earlier than planned, I had gotten myself into a panic when I wondered if the Cullen's ever returned to Forks. I had to remind myself over and over again that Charlie would have told me so and that they had no reason to return to Forks; not while they thought I was there.

Renee and Phil ate bagels for breakfast. I tore mine up into shreds and ducked out of the kitchen when they started kissing. Sick. I got dressed in my standard gear; ripped black skinnies with a plain t-shirt and my converses. Today I'd dressed for the occasion; all black. I didn't have anything else to busy myself with as my bags were already in the car, so I paced the back garden with a tab for as long as possible. I contemplated having two but Renee's disapproving stare burned in my back. It wasn't her fault she didn't understand. She could never understand the constant tension my body felt, the aches and the cramps.

We watched some reality TV show for an hour before we left. Renee kept asking me what I thought about the girl in the show, I knew what she was getting at. The depressed teenager that turned to drugs and prostitution after her father abandoned her. It wasn't hard to see the resemblance but I doubt it felt the same. She was abandoned and craved attention, craved contact and love. I don't want any of it. Ever again. It will always hurt, he'll always be there in the back of my head and I fear nobody will ever love me like he did; if he did at all.

"At least her dad comes back for her." I muttered in the silence after Renee turned the television off. She pressed her lips into a firm line and I could almost see the words forming behind her eyes. I guess that's what it must have been like for Edward when we were together. He must have thought I was a fool. I'm still a damn fool.

"Come on girls." Phil said cheerfully, carrying a plastic bag full of magazines out the front door. Renee sighed and put on a sick smile. It was frequently used in the place of pointless stern words; I hated it more than the lecture. It was the type of smile people wore when they were around strangers when they didn't want them to see the problems going on at home.

"You're got a plane to catch, baby. Come on."

The drive to the airport was painfully silent, the goodbyes were awkward and stiff as Renee and Phil hugged me with nothing in response. Their physical contact was more discomforting than ever. I waited for them to leave before lighting up again. As much as I liked Renee, I didn't want to endure a lecture before I got on a plane. I might do something reckless or stupid. God forbid that would happen.

It wasn't until I was midway through my flight that I remembered I didn't know what I was going to say to Charlie. Maybe he would do the speaking, yeah...when hell freezes over. I threw some ideas around, maybe a 'Hey dad, wow you look great.' Or a 'Long time no see' like old friends did in movies. Somehow I doubted Charlie would appreciate any of those. You would think after getting a degree in Literature, I'd be able to at least think of a good line to say but no matter how hard I thought, I couldn't remember any from my books.

Maybe I wouldn't have to say anything at all. Turning up after the way we parted should speak louder than words. I'm here, coming to Forks, aren't I? That's exactly where I am. Port Angeles.

As I made my way towards the gate with my weekend bag in my arms, I slowed so much I was almost standing still. Other people hurried past and when I thought the last one was gone, I leaned against the wall and took some deep breathes. I can't believe I came. I can't believe I'm just over an hour's drive from my own personal hell. Fuck.

I can remember it all too clearly. Sam Uley turned up some time in the night and carried me home. The quiet few days that followed with my dormant self staring out of my bedroom window; my night terrors scared Charlie half to death. Luckily Charlie agreed I shouldn't stay, despite how much I knew he wanted me to. I wish I could say that I was relieved to go back to Phoenix but the distance made it much more real and Renee just wasn't as understanding. Her pleas for me to move on and return to her 'old Bella' frustrated me more than anything else. My adoration for her lessened more and more that she said it and it wasn't long before I couldn't even stand to stay in the same house as her. It wasn't her fault though, I know that.

It's been 7 years though. I'm different, I'm sure Forks is different; I'm sure Charlie is different. I can do this. Nobody is expecting me to be great, Charlie least of all. He knows I've not been coping, I hear my mom on the phone to him once a month. We rarely spoke, it seemed pointless; small talk was inevitable and I never waited long enough for Charlie to awkwardly approach his uncomfortable topics.

All of this doesn't even matter. I can't go back now without seeing him first. I just need to get through this weekend. For Charlie.

I straightened up and took my last deep breath. I swallowed all of it down, putting my composure into place. Walk confidently like the whole world is watching, he'll never see. None of them will.

Hey Bellisle shippers! This is my first Bellisle story, I hope you like it so far. Don't worry, Bella and Carlisle will meet again very soon. Let me know what you think about this first chapter. I've never written in Bella's point of view before, sorry if it sucks!

~ Care Free Lines