Alright, so I don't know how many of you know- but when I woke up yesterday morning, Recovery was gone. The story was deleted- and I got no explanation as to why. To be honest, I'm pissed. But I don't think there's anything I can do about it- except repost the entire thing. I'm going to start doing that right now- and I'd love it if you guys could review just as much as you have been. Some of you have said you love the story so much, you reread chapters anyway...so...

I know this is a big inconvenience- trust me- it isn't the easiest thing for me either. I'm really sorry- in advance- and I hope I don't lose some of you loyal readers/reviewers because you guys truly are why this series has gotten so popular in the first place. But- for those of you who read chapter 24- think of it like this- the more you review, the faster you get chapters, and the quicker you find out what Austin's fate is. Incentive right there.

Anyway- I'm sorry again- and thank you guys for your patience.

-Neha

Recovery.

A word that is defined as restoration to a former/better state or condition. Simple, isn't it? The only problem is that it isn't. Recovery- the big picture- seems easy- all it requires is hard work. However- this simple word holds so much more truth. Underlying definitions of this word that I didn't even know existed- are all coming out, making themselves evident to me. Meanings, translations of this word are forming in my head, leaving me questioning the entire process. To recover is to return to a better state- but the question is how. How does one go about doing that?

It's hard- especially if one doesn't remember their former self. I don't remember how I used to act, how I used to think- what my former mindset was. Did I dream of unicorns and rainbows, or were my dreams dark, with jagged edges, and horrible endings? Did I bring light into lives, or was I just there- just a person that was often overlooked and deemed as purely unimportant. Did I enjoy life, or was it just a day-to-day process- boring and unchanging, painful and terrorizing? Who was I? What was my main purpose in life? I know that the immediate answer would be singing- but I don't even know if I want that to be what my life revolves around. I haven't done much of it recently.

Thoughts of suicide are quite dynamic- they have the power to completely erase any thoughts of serenity from one's mind. They are controlling- in the realm of being able to completely alter one's mindset. They forced me to think of swallowing pills, slicing my wrists, jumping off a cliff, getting hit by a car- and many more thoughts of the morbidity that is death. Irrational thoughts- some of them may be- but they are what keep me going. The indulging thought of sinking a blade into my flesh is the reason I wake up every morning.

But let's leave the death realm behind, shall we? I'd be lying if I said that my thoughts weren't scaring me- weren't making me wonder what kind of monster I've turned into. My demons have changed me into something I'm not sure I want to be. The kind of monster that haunts a child's dream- wanting to kill them.

Anyway- I guess you could say that I've fallen deeper into the depths of what is known to be depression. I have definitely surpassed where I was before- the only thing on my mind right now is death. Emotions scarce, blade glinting in my fingers, I slash at my arms relentlessly, until some kind of relief is felt. With the absence of emotion- it takes longer, and pain doesn't overwhelm me until I've cut deep enough to reach my veins. Dangerous- but necessary for my survival. I don't know how to do anything else- so this needs to suffice. My siblings cannot witness the depths my self-harm has gone to- if they did, they would blame themselves, when it simply is not their fault. It's no one's fault- but mine. I am the only one to blame for the pain I have caused to myself.

Speaking of my siblings- let's discuss them. It'll be nice to get the focus off me for a little bit. All of them are truly worrying me- some more than others. It's true that they are not mentally stable- I know that all of them are clinically depressed- as I am, and they also rely on blades for relief. That's the commonality between us. That's also where it starts to branch off- where we all start to become different.

Let's start with Ratliff. To be quite honest- I don't know if he's on his meds or not. He's always locked in his room, and when I press my ear against the door, I can hear him screaming. Screaming at people that aren't there- at inanimate objects that can't hear him. I've seen him grab at his hair and pull on it, trying to hurt himself- to ward off his demons. He's falling apart- I know he's cutting. You can only try so hard to scrub bloodstains from a sink. He's trying to appear okay- when he simply isn't. I can tell- at school, especially. He gets out of every class early, so he can come and carry my books. When I meet him after each period, I can see the pain grow in his eyes. I can see the agony- the horrible agony and obvious torture reflected in his gaze- that is wreaking havoc on his body. He's scaring me- he's not himself in the slightest, and I don't know how to help him. I didn't experience his first breakdown- and I don't think any of us are prepared for the second.

Rydel…well, I think she's already relapsed. It's evident that she's not eating- or eating a significantly smaller amount than a girl her age is supposed to eat. I don't see her a lot- she's mostly at her piano, writing songs- songs that don't seem to be pleasant or happy. I hear the strikes of dark, deep chords that elicit the emotion of anger and rage. I don't know what is angering her- she refuses to tell anyone anything- even Riker, but I know that there is something definitely up with her. She's drifting away from us, and it's starting to scare me.

I want my sister back- the sister who would tell me things, the sister whose arms I would cry in. I remember the nights during which she and I would cuddle together, telling each other all of our problems, crying in each others arms, staying up with each other until both of us felt better…we've only done it once or twice, but those nights have made an unchanging difference on my life. I miss that- I miss Rydel. She's got great advice to give- and I don't want to watch her wither away in front of my eyes. She's too beautiful- too perfect for that. I love her so much- and watching her starve herself is killing me inside.

I think Riker is the worst out of all of us. He was getting bad a few days ago- and now it's gotten so much worse. He's emotionless- doesn't talk to anyone unless talked to. The only sense of security I have- is cuddling with him. Riker and I are extremely close, and the nights we cuddle are the nights he doesn't cut himself. I'm glad that I can help him- but he's still withering away into nothing. He doesn't sleep much, doesn't eat, nothing, really. It's terrifying me, because I'd probably kill myself if I lost him. I love all my siblings, but I'm closest to Riker.

He's been arguing with Ratliff a lot more than normal. I hear them screaming at each other, and it breaks my heart. I love them both- and it hurts to see them yelling at each other, feeling anger toward each other…it just makes me wonder…when did everything fall apart? I don't know how it happened, but it's had the biggest impact on Riker, and I'm so fearful- I can tell that he's nearing his breaking point- and I don't want him to commit suicide. I don't think I can live with that. I need my brother.

Rocky is trying so hard to hold us together- trying so hard to make sure that we don't break or fall- but he's neglecting himself. I can see the signs of depression on his face. He's so stressed, so exhausted, and just about ready to throw in the towel and end his life. He's cutting again- I've seen his arms once or twice. I know the feeling- the one of needing to control at least one thing when everything else is spiraling out of control all around you, and you can't do anything except watch.

There will be a point where Rocky just won't be able to handle it anymore, and that's when he'll shatter. And I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't have a huge impact on our family. Right now- the only reason we haven't fallen apart- is because of Rocky. He's holding us together, while falling apart himself, and the prospect is scaring me. He can't break- we rely too much on him. If something happens to him, the rest of us are fucked. We need the comfort, the care, the love- everything that he brings to the family. We need him.

In reality- we're fucked either way. None of us are ready for life, and it's just going to keep getting worse while we keep falling apart. In my eyes, nothing's ever going to get better- all I'm waiting for is a sense of security in the house- so I can commit suicide and know that none of my siblings will follow. I don't can't do it otherwise- the thought of one of them doing it because I did is guilting me out of it- which should be a good thing- but it isn't. I just want to fucking die. Not just me- I think all of us are thinking the same thing.

Morbid it may be- but death equates to pure serenity- and don't you think we all deserve it?

So- because this is extremely inconvenient- and it wouldn't be fair to leave you guys hanging for close to two weeks- those who review will get the first scene of chapter 25- as a PM. Sadly- I can only do this for people that review without an account- so guest reviews, could you possibly make an account to review? I'd love to send you guys scenes- but I can only PM users that have accounts- sorry.

Anyway- I'm really sorry about this, again, and I hope you guys can understand and reread this without it being too much of an annoyance.

-Neha