This work is not meant to be taken seriously. It is a full on crack!fic inspired by some of the theories and excuses people have made up because they can't accept that Hans was the villain.

"Mother and Father never loved me!" Hans moped, throwing his arm dramatically across his face, his head falling back against his chair. An eye cracked open. "Or are my twelve older brothers to blame for my tortuous life? Oh, I don't care! I'll just blame them all! My brothers, my parents; they all ignored me! Everyone ignored me and made me life miserable! Even the servants who waited on me hand and foot never really loved me. Oh, woe is me and this life I lead!"

Hans sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling of his cabin, tears welling in his eyes as he remembered all the times his brothers ignored him and all the mean things they said to him.

"Not now, Hans."
"We're busy, Hans."
"Stop jumping up on Grandpa's back, Hans!"

But today had been better. Today he knew that things were going to be different. Today he had met (dreamy sigh) Anna.

Thinking about the adorable redhead brought a smile to his face. Oh, yes. She was perfect. She'd make an excellent bride. Of course, he felt ever so guilty that he was going to have to kill her sister but how else was he supposed to finally have a country to rule? Anna would get over it eventually. He'd just have to give her...what, two days maximum to get the crying out of her system?

But he still had to ask her to marry him first. He was sure she'd say yes. And after a few charming words to the Queen, he was even more certain that she'd bless the marriage right away.

Again, shame that he'd have to kill her.

But other than that, this day was going to be GREAT!

Ice.

...

That was unexpected.

A few days later

Hans looked worriedly out at the glorious winter wonderland. The cold was seeping in and Hans shivered, hugging himself. His poor fiancée was still out there! Anna was cold, shivering, and wandering around the mountains! If only she were here! Then they could say their marriage vows and he could get rid of Elsa!

If only he had been quicker with the cross bow, then he might have managed to crush her with the chandelier.

The door to the library swung open and Hans turned, expecting to see one of the other foreign dignitaries. Instead, a lumpy servant dressed in a cloak shuffled toward him.

"Oh, hello!" Hans couldn't help but smile despite his hard life (did he mention the mother, the father, the brothers, and the stubborn still-not-dead Queen yet?) The servants here were just so nice and helpful and happy. "Can I help you?"

He couldn't see the servant's face, for they kept their head tilted low. Instead they held out their hand, offering him some food. "Mushroom?" a gravelly voice said from within the cloak.

Hans gasped, his eyes welling with tears of joy. "Who told you that I lovemushrooms?!" Hans snatched the mushrooms out of the servant's hand and started gobbling them up.

"That is an interesting skin condition," Hans mumbled around a mouthful of mushrooms. Man, these were good! "It almost looks like stone! You know, I do have a dermatologist in the Southern Isles that I could get to look at that for you."

Hans swallowed the mushrooms, sighed happily, and then his face went slack; his shoulder were hunched, his mouth hung open, and hypnotic spirals were spinning around and around in his eyes.

The cloak fell away. If Hans had been aware of what was happening at that moment, then he would be shocked to see that it HADN'T been a servant in front of him, but three trolls standing one on top of the other. All of them donned bright pink shirts with glittery, cursive writing that read "TEAM KRISTANNA 5EVER!11!1!"

"Listen to me very carefully," the troll on the very top commanded. "You will betray Anna!" he said, waving his hand around in Hans' face.

"I will betray Anna," Hans echoed in a monotone.

"You will deny that you ever loved her!"

"I will deny that I ever loved her."

"You'll tell her that it was all a ruse so that you could get to the throne!"

"I will tell her that it was all a ruse so that I could get to the throne."

"And you will do this all in the most douche-y, despicable way possible so that Anna will run into the arms of Kristoff."

"I will be a despicable douchebag and make Anna run to Kristoff instead."

"Good, good!" The trolls said, cackling madly. "Now go forth and do our bidding!" They rolled away, still cackling, and crying out "Kristanna!" and "OTP!" all the way back to the mountains.

-A few hours later-

Hans was thrown into the castle dungeons rather roughly and the door slammed shut behind him before he could beg them to let him explain. It wasn't his fault! It was the trolls! (Or was it his brothers?) That was beside the point. The point was: he was NOT to blame. He was handsome and charming! HANDSOME and CHARMING, damn it!

"This is so unfair!" Hans whined, pacing the floor of his cell. "I didn't do anything to deserve this. At least, not by my choice. Someone else did this to me." Tears welled up in Hans' eyes again. "Someone else planned this all out."

"Right you are, Hans," a voice said. Hans whirled around. A short, hooded figure stood in the middle of his cell. How did they get in here? "I've had this whole thing planned out since you were born."

"Wait," Hans gasped. "I...I know that voice. Where do I know that voice? Wait! Say 'she's ice cold!'"

"She's ice cold!" the figure said mockingly.

Hans gasped again, this time in horror. "I know who you are!" He strode over to the figure and threw back the hood of the cloak. "What are you doing here, Jennifer Lee?"

Jennifer Lee smirked up at him. "We both know why I'm here, Hans. I never loved you. NEVER. I hated you from the very beginning. And you know what else?" Jennifer tore open her cloak revealing a bright pink t-shirt just like the ones the trolls were wearing. "I'm the reason the trolls cursed you. I told them to! I'm the President of the Kristanna 5EVER fan club! And I did everything I had to do to make Kristanna a thing. Now they'll have beautiful babies and you'll be thrown in jail for the rest of your life!"

Cackling madly, Jennifer suddenly disappeared in a cloud of bright purple smoke, leaving a devastated Hans in the middle of an empty cell.

He dropped to his knees, threw his head back, and shook his fists above him.

"CURSE YOU JENNIFER LEE!"