A/N

Hello folks, I'm sorry for my long departure. I have a HORRENDOUS job that works me to the bone, so I have no time to write anything. Darkly Dreaming asked me to do a story for her and I had to blow her off because I'm so boned out tired and that nearly killed me to do because I absolutely love writing stories for other people. This is my apology to her.

This was a story idea from Risknight (that I hope I didn't screw up) that I did on my only day off... (hasn't slept since she got the idea).

I'm sorry for all the errors and misspelled words, but know that you are free to fix them in your head. *smiles*

Anyways... this is for you Darkly... I hope you like it!

Sheldon shifted through the stack of mail as he climbed the stairs to his apartment. He frowned at the Wide World of Outdoors and Fishing catalogue in his hands then shoved it underneath all the envelopes. He DID order a pop-out tent, but that was nearly 22 months ago. As he stared at the overdue bill in the name of Leonard L. Hofstadter, a high pitched scream rang from the fourth floor. Sheldon nearly dropped the mail before sprinting up the stairs. That sounded like Penny.

Before he could round the final flight, a rain of laughter nearly cascaded down the stairs and he could see his roommate bent over in the doorway, laughing hysterically. He saw a shadowy figure from the stairway's opening getting up slowly. Sheldon jogged up the rest of the way just in time to see Penny with a rather strained smile on her face. He looked over at his roommate and over his hunched over form he could see Howard and Raj packing something up, also laughing uncontrollably.

Penny gave a very dry laugh as she put a hand on her hip, "That was REALLY funny, guys. Reeeeaaaallllyyy funny."

Sheldon noticed a twinge on the girls face before she turned around and disappeared into her apartment with a hefty slam of the door. Whatever had occurred before he arrived was now very much done… so he thought. Howard and Raj shouldered their heavy bags as Leonard, still chuckling and doing something on his phone, reached over and took his keys from the bowl. The three men passed by Sheldon as Leonard gave him a, "Going out" before the three burst out laughing all the way down the stairs.

Sheldon gave a glance at Penny's door before turning back to his apartment. He shook his head and rolled his eyes and cynically sighed, "Homosapians…"

Sheldon opened his laptop and checked his emails. The very first one that just arrived, no more than two minutes ago, was from Leonard's YouTube channel. He clicked on it to see a new video posted. Sheldon's eyes went wide at the title 'Prankin' Penny'. He swallowed and thought of the massacre that would ensue if their neighbor knew Leonard posted a video of her. He clicked on it and nearly got motion sickness from the shaky camera. His roommate came on and talked about the silent, pneumatic, micro-air cannon that he and his colleagues (he introduces Raj and Howard) had manufactured in their labs. It was a very small gun, but Howard and Raj had a series of rubber tubes running and connected with an air compressor and a small voltage generator.

Sheldon's eyes went wide. There was no way that they could've calculated the direct velocity or external direction in which the projectile air would go. Even if they used a diaphragm valve, it would still be too highly unpredictable to use... especially on a human victim. As the video played on, Sheldon slammed his eyes shut as he heard Penny's little knuckle knock and sweetened voice. She strolled into the door only to be blasted back out of it by the handheld air gun. Laughter filled the speakers and Sheldon clenched his jaw in anger.

He opened his eyes to watch the blonde awkwardly bounce then slam into the corner of the stairways opening frame only a few feet away, but it looked overly painful. He stood straight up in his chair with his eyes burning and stuck on Penny's obviously injured form. She, like she always did, hid the fact that she was hurt just so she wouldn't take away from the others. She slowly looked up, hiding the cringe, and grinned with an angry snarl.

Sheldon's hands were balled into a fist to his side as they shook frenziedly. His whole body was humming with fear. A fear that his friends almost murdered their neighbor and all they could do was laugh. He threw down the top of his laptop and clicked it gently to close. He rushed over to the bowl and took his key. He opened his door, closed it, and in three long strides… he began his knock on Penny's door.

Penny laid face down on her small couch. Sitting on her ass was not an option at the moment. She screamed obscenities into her pillow as she thought about the last few minutes of her life. She should've killed them. She should've gotten up and beat the living chakra out of those moronic geniuses. She paused, sadly. Her entire life was a 'Should've'. Everything she did… Everything she wanted… Should've happened… Should've kept it. Now, as a big middle finger to her life, she got shot by some invisible punch by her ex that ended up bruising her tail bone and right hip. What else could happen to throw her down and bounce her into the wall? As she thought this, Sheldon's knocks played their melody on her door. She hugged the pillow to her face and cried out, "Oh, Fuck me."

She pushed off her couch just in time for the third knock and her name sung three times to end. It was painful to move, but as she opened the door, she yanked her face into 'I'm not hurting at all' mode, "Hey Sheldon. Come here to stab me then clean my apartment?"

Sheldon looked stunned at the question. He put his hands behind his back and spoke nonchalantly, "Why would I stab you just to clean your apartment? That would just give me the issue of oxidizing the visceral staining from your blood trail as you tried to escape my attack, thus rendering my cleaning attempt, null. It would just be better to wait until you are in your hibernating sleep from the underlying volume intake of your alcohol consumption."

Penny stared at him with a slack jaw for a few seconds then snapped out of her bewildered state, "Wow. Ok. Let me try my joke again. Hey Sheldon, did you come here to shoot me, too?"

That brought Sheldon's face to a somber position. He swallowed and stood straight as he spoke down to her, "I saw the video of Leonard's so called 'prank'…"

Penny's eyes nearly glowed from her reaction, "…VIDEO!"

Sheldon nodded and was going to speak, but Penny flew into a heated rant, "That SONOFABITCH! After all the shit I had to go through with that little HOBBIT! I'm going to make him eat a Macaroni and Cheese dinner then take his asthmatic ass on a 5 mile run while I chase him with a cow prod."

Sheldon watched the blonde pace her living room floor with a bad limp as she murmured to herself about other vindictive situations. She stopped, still a little peeved, and asked Sheldon if he would like some tea. Sheldon took a small step into her apartment and shut the door behind him as he gave a small, "Yes, please."

He turned to watch her reach up to the cupboard door and his eyes went wide in utter horror. Penny's shirt rose up and revealed a darkening and bloody centered bruise on her hip. There was no bruising near her coccyx bone which meant there was no internal trauma. He moved towards the small kitchen and glided right behind her. She reached up to grab the cups and nearly dropped them as cold fingers pulled her shorts down slightly.

Penny squealed and spun around with unbelievable speed. Her body was pressed against the counter with her hands gripping the edge of the table top trying to cushion her bruised bottom from the hard surface. She stared in utter incomprehension at the man only inches away from her, "Wh-what the hell do you think you're doing, Sheldon?"

He looked at her as if he had done no wrong, "I witnessed your fall on the video. You took a collision to the floor as well as a powerful crash to the corner of the stairwell's frame. I wanted to make sure you had no traumatic damage for if there was, I was going to write an estimate on how much Leonard was going to owe you for the heinous action he took against you."

Penny watched the man speak and was astonished by what she saw. What… no, WHO had made this autistic wunderkind open up so much that he was not only willing to defend her honor, but touch her without a single thought of latex protection. She sadly smiled as she sighed inwardly. She knew who, but she couldn't believe how much the man changed. When the day came where he only knocked once… then she'd have to move because the world was coming to an end. Amy was a hell of a girl. Penny felt a pinch in her chest as she thought that. She looked up at Sheldon looking at her strangely so she cleared her throat and spoke, "Thanks Sheldon, but there is only one form of action I'll be taking… … … Revenge."

Sheldon shook his head, "Revenge doesn't pay your premium."

She smiled, "Says Mr. Fill An Entire Room With Foam."

Sheldon blinked and sung, "That's Doctor."

Penny sighed, "Pranks aren't about suing THEY ARE about revenge… about the ultimate retaliation. Of course, I don't think attempted murder is fair game."

Penny became almost too aware of their proximity as Sheldon's body heat began to seep into her personal space. She SO needed to get laid.

Sheldon's voice broke through her sexual whining, "Please Penny. Allow me to assess your injuries. I cannot very well allow you to endure your physical ailments without a proper knowledge of the quantitative harm."

Penny fought short and hard inside her mind and the 'OH YEAH' Penny won, hands down. She sighed and looked up at him for just a moment before looking down and slowly turning around. With a burst of air through her nostrils, she reached back and lifted her shirt a tad. She saw Sheldon's reflection in the small window and felt her heart beat harder as he sunk downward. She turned her head slightly to observe him and stared at his overly concerned face that reacted to the bruise on her hip.

His fingers barely caressed the skin of her hip but it made the tanned woman jump as she hissed, "Your fingers are ice cold."

Sheldon's eyes were wide as he looked up at her then down at his hands, "I apologize." He pulled his fingers to his mouth and huffed hot air against them causing a stream of air to graze against her skin. She turned her head to hide the chagrin of pleasure. She was enjoying this and she felt completely guilty.

His fingers were gentle as they pushed and stimulated her tender flesh. She controlled her breathing as it both hurt like hell and turned her on at the same time. Just when it was becoming too unbearable for her threshold of pain and pleasure, he stopped and moved directly behind her. Her mind went numbly crazy as his warmed fingers cupped the curvature of her hips. She wanted to spin around and both kiss him and knee him in the groin, but, instead, she gripped the edge of the counter to the point that the wood was audibly cracking.

His thumbs kneaded into her back and met at her spine then prodded down further. Her breathing went wild as his hands and fingers cupped her buttocks and pushed her shorts down a little further. She had to bite her lip when his fingers laced underneath the strap of her thong. She swallowed every moan that rose up in her throat. His thumbs seemed to have found their spot and gently pressed down. She stretched her body's every muscle as the coming moan became a yelp of pain.

"You did not fracture your coccyx bone, but there will be some tenderness from the impact. Your Ilium is unscathed, but you bruised your Gluteus Medius. All in all, some painkillers and rest are in order."

She panted for a few seconds as the physicist spoke (obliviously unaware of what he did to her), trying to slow down her hormones when Sheldon slyly added, "… and I know the perfect addendum for your revenge."

She spun around with her brows furrowed and let her smile grow as she saw the evil Joker smile on the man's face.

Penny and Sheldon smiled down at the bag of yellow onions on her kitchen table. Both of their smiles seemed to grow every few minutes at the prank at hand. Sheldon's caramel "apple" prank was so diabolical and beautiful that it almost seemed too easy. If only she could get the onions to punch them all in the testicles… it would've been the greatest revenge scheme… but recording their demise was as good of a nut punch she could get.

The two sat in the stools (Penny with the thickest cushion Sheldon could find) and began peeling the skin off the onions. Penny offered the mastermind a strip of gum and he looked at her foolishly, "Penny, the 'Chewing Gum stops Onion Tears' theory is both erroneous and utter hokum. When we chop an onion, it gives off an enzyme that forms a derivative of sulfenic acid that rapidly converts to a volatile gas known as a lachrymatory factor synthase. This factor reacts with water on the corneal surface to produce a range of noxious compounds such as sulphuric acid and hydrogen sulphide. It will cause the eyes to burn and excrete tears. Chewing gum is just a myth bought by the gullible."

Penny placed the gum back in her pocket and shook her head, "'No thank you Penny' would've done just as easily."

She smiled as she watched him take her suggestion to heart. What a complete whackadoodle.

She chewed her gum as she began to carve the onion in perfect 'apple' form before handing them over to Doctor Perfectionist. She looked over at the smiling, evil genius as he took the onion then looked back to her next onion, "So… where did THIS little trick come from? You didn't just 'COME UP' with it. This is years and years of plotting and planning."

Sheldon looked over at her then back at his station. He sprinkled a little green apple extract on the onion then pouring the newly sautéed caramel over the now Caramel Apple with a grin, "When one is bullied by those he cannot defeat physically or scientifically… one must find other means of humiliation."

Penny couldn't stop the chuckle, "Pranking… the other OTHER science. So, how long have you wanted to do this to Leonard?"

Sheldon smiled as he took the next onion from her and caramel-ed it, "Oh, dear Penelope, many times. I have even considered doing this to YOU, as well."

She snapped her neck towards him and narrowed her eyes yet the smile didn't fade, "Buttering me up with bread then next was the caramel apples? Oh, you evil Doctor prodigy."

She couldn't keep the mean look for long at the cocky brow raise he gave her. She gave a laugh and gave a light slap to his shoulder. She did NOT expect the look on Sheldon's face after the contact. It was stoic but yearning. I-It actually scared her. He cleared his throat and turned his body towards her slightly and spoke in a flat but strong tone, "Hitting is a type of mannerism from the coquette's social etiquettes of flirtation in the Western Culture. According to the stylizations of coquetry; you and I have been courting for some time now."

Penny was shell-shocked. She just looked into the big blue eyes of a very confused but hopeful man and she just shook her head, "What?"

Sheldon nodded as if answering the simplest of questions, "Yes. Flirting can be measured by a physiological means or by the gestures and actions one takes around another. You and I banter constantly. We have, on occasion, casually touched if not for the support of the other, but for the psychological state of rebound. We flatter each other and give one another presents on a whim. We have 'staged encounters' for Laundry night and Thursday's Barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger night. You have, on occasion, teased me thoroughly and I have done so back. Do I need to continue?"

Penny licked her lips, "Wh-what are you trying to say, Sheldon?"

He tilted his head slightly then licked his lips as well, "I am not the one who is saying anything. I am just vocalizing the facts. I do believe that you have an attraction towards me."

Penny pursed her lips and looked at the serious look on his face. She couldn't believe what just occurred right before her, "You are the one who was spitting out flirtatious facts and you think I'M attracted to YOU? I think you have it a little backwards, Bub."

Sheldon tilted his head like a dog hearing a high pitched sound, "You were the one who gingerly succeeded in physical contact. I am just stating the obvious. I do know the tribulations you have encountered with commitment, so I understand your overreaction to my observations. I will continue to observe and note your reactions."

Penny shook her head and let out a huff of amusement as she turned back to the onions and tried to continue as if nothing happened. As he turned back to mimic her actions, she turned back to him, ignoring the throbbing pain, "You were able to 'notice' ALL that shit yet when I hit on you the very first time we met… it just sailed over that obnoxiously huge damn head of yours. Yes… I was attracted to you, but then you opened that big mouth."

Sheldon's brow stuck straight up as the other lay flat, "It was when you realized I was smarter than you could ever wish to be that you lost interest?"

Penny leaned back with a cynical smile, "Do you even HEAR yourself when you talk. You TRY to sound superior to everyone. You know what I hear when you talk… Charlie Brown's teacher."

Sheldon furrowed his brow, "I would imagine anything other than shoe brands, alcoholic beverages, and sexual positions would sound like incoherent language to you."

Penny feigned shock then leaned forward, "I'm surprised you can say Sexual without grabbing your penis and turning into Gollum! My PRECIOUS."

Sheldon prickled slightly and stepped off the stool to be inches away from her, "At least I can maintain a relationship for more than three months before I panic and realize that I will never be good enough to please the one I'm with because I am unable to preserve an intellectual conversation without bringing up how tired you've gotten. The only way to keep a man interested is to open your legs… isn't that your motto?"

A clear crack of flesh on flesh rang out as Penny's hand swung out of mid air and Sheldon knew he went too far. He left his face turned from her as she glared monstrously at him, "Screw you, asshat. You think you know me because you sit and watch me while taking your little notes. You don't know ANYTHING about me. Thank you for checking up on me, but it's getting late. Goodnight Sheldon."

She moved off the stool as gently as she could and limped softly to the door and she opened it widely. Sheldon swallowed and licked his lip. A taste of blood was missing, but the pain of the slap still lingered. He moved to the door and paused right beside her. She kept her face emotionless as she looked back at him. He looked down at her with a tender stare and spoke softly, "Our banter may be full of insults or manipulations, yet I always enjoy our interactions." He took in a deep breath from his nostrils and placed his arms behind his back as he spoke softly, "I AM attracted to you, Penny. More than I can calculate on any paper, but no matter my means of rejoinder… there is always an obstacle in our way. One that neither of us would be willing to scale. You, your fear of commitment and my fear of physical intimacy. We were never meant to truly be…"

Penny's eyes blared with shock while his stayed embarrassed but candid. He took in her facial expression for a long moment before licking his lips and barely whispering, "Goodnight."

He was stopped by his neighbor's hand on his stomach. He stepped back from the doorway and back to her side and they shared a very long look before Penny spoke softly, "I am NOT a calculation, Sheldon. I am not some random strands of code you can decipher. I'm me. I could've been willing to wait until YOU wanted intimacy. In waiting for you, my fear would've vanished and we could've been together until the end of time, but because you believed in the numbers more than yourself… we both lost out."

Sheldon bowed his head and shook it then looked back up at her then sighed. She rubbed her hip and sighed herself, "Maybe in another universe, we got it right."

He gave a small smile and nodded, "Very probable."

Penny's arm stretched and gripped the back of his neck and pulled him down just enough for her intermingle her warm, still-water smooth lips with his. It was supposed to be a short, sweet kiss, but Sheldon's arm swept softly around her and deepened the kiss with a timid tongue touch. It was just long enough to hear a rough clearing of a throat in the hallway, "Care to catch me up?"

The two unhinged with a pop of their kiss and turned to see Leonard staring confusedly. The two's libido had been turned up and the two had to stretch some muscles to try and entice them back down.

Penny cleared her throat and tried to gain her speech back, "Me and Sheldon were working on, uh, ummm."

Sheldon tugged the bottom of his shirts and smiled to her, "Y-yes… Penny and I were working on a treat just for you."

Leonard glared at Sheldon as he walked back into Penny's apartment then softened when he looked at Penny, "What kind of treat involves kissing Sheldon?"

Penny shook her head and her face got tight, "I was thanking him for helping me."

Leonard was about to say something derogatory about it when Sheldon came back out with a caramel 'apple' on a stick. Sheldon stood behind him and gave Penny a big smile. Leonard blinked and looked at Penny, "Caramel apples?"

Penny smiled, "YeP…Dairy FREE caramel apples."

Leonard gave a crooked smile, "That sounds cool. Thanks! I'll take a big bite out of it tomorrow. I'm pooped."

Penny gave a huge smile, "Great! Let me know how much you love it!"

Leonard took his apple towards the apartment. Sheldon looked back at Penny for just a moment and winked. Penny smiled widely and sighed, "Night, Sheldon."

Sheldon looked back at his roommate then back to her, "Dream sweet, Penelope."

Penny watched her neighbors enter the house and saw Sheldon pull out his phone as the door closes. Sheldon would be ready for the 'Big Bite' and she'd have her revenge. She touched her lips and gave a breathless gasp of air as her heart burned and felt heavy in her chest. She stepped back into her apartment and closed the door softly and leaned against it and sighed sadly, "Which universe is this?"