I Am Evil Homer

Bazett Fraga McRemitz cursed the priest for what he did. He made her think he was an ally, offered her a base and resources to summon her hero, and like a fool she believed him. She never imagined a member of the Church would stab her in the back – literally – and take her beloved Cu Chulainn for himself. But she was tougher than she looked. Instead of dying in that pit he threw her in, she managed to struggle her way back to civilisation. She managed to blast her way into a pharmacy and get enough medical items to save her life. And even now, she was finishing her new summons for a Servant. Hopefully she wasn't too late and there was still a position available. She'd hate it if she lost her chance to get revenge on him. But she was lucky. The summoning circle glowed brightly as it found her a Servant. As she shielded her eyes, she wondered which class she summoned. A powerful Saber, ready to smite the priest for her? An Archer, with bows of pure power and killing intent? Or even an Assassin, able to strike from all shadows? As the light dimmed and she looked past her arms, she was very disappointed.

Her Servant… was a simple man. A yellow-skinned one, but still a man. Instead of armour and weapons, he wore a white shirt over blue jeans and carried a can in one hand. Instead of heroic physique, he was weighted down by a noticeable gut. And instead of a look of killing intent, he was looking around all puzzled.

"Marge!" He yelled to no one. "The TV abducted me again! Can you record my shows for me?" He then finally noticed Bazett, staring at him with a look of shock and horror. "Oh hello. Who are you supposed to be… Miss?"

"…I…I'm your Master." She said dumbly. This was a joke. Surely she could've gotten anything better than this. He didn't even look like any kind of hero she's seen. "What class are you?"

"Class? I haven't been to class since… Last week. Oh, Oh! You mean my Holy Class. I'm… I'm Mr Avenger."

Avenger. An unusual class, only summoned once before. And the Servant was one of the weakest classes. Her heart sank. Well, even the weakest Servant was more than a match for a human. Maybe this could still work. "Very well then. Now, we will need to go over battle plans for the War. We'll also need to do recon to find…" She was interrupted by Avenger snorting at her.

"Boring! I'm off to get some beer. And an all-you-can-eat buffet. And maybe some doughnuts. Mmm, doughnuts." And he started drooling like mad as he walked away. Bazett could only look on in shock.

"D…Don't walk away from me! I'm your Master!" She shouted as she chased after him.

"I know you are but what am I?" He retorted like a child.

"Get back here you bald idiot!"

"Hey! I am not bald!" That got him to stop as he pointed to his yellow head. "See these three hairs? Not bald."

"Oh yes. A mere three hairs clearly tells everyone you're not bald. Now quit moving." She grabbed him by the arm, but he just kept pulling her along. He was certainly strong for his looks.

"Lady, I'm a father. Throwing a tantrum isn't going to stop me."

What did she do to deserve this fool?

Four hours later, and she was quietly sobbing in her hotel room. This was unbelievable. The fool wasn't listening to a single thing she said. She almost moved to use her Command Seals on him, but she lost the will to go through with it. Right now he was in her living room, eating everything in sight and watching as many shows as he could. Whenever she tried to get him to go and fight, he simply brushed her off. She even resorted desperately to seducing him, but he pointed out he was still married. How was she going to get him to do anything? How was she going to get her revenge?

"Hey lady, I'm going to head down to this place's Kwik-E-Mart for some more beer. You want anything?" Well, at least he cared enough to ask her. She might as well get completely drunk off her face now that her dreams were shattered. Maybe she could convince herself that this was all just one long nightmare.

"…Fine."

*BANG, BANG, BANG* "Why is this store not open?" *BANG, BANG, BANG* "I want beer. This place should be open 24-7 for my convience." *BANG, BANG, BANG* Bazett couldn't even muster the strength to point out it was 2 in the morning. As she sat on the sidewalk watching her life wash away, she sighed as his pounding finally stop. No doubt he's given up, or curled into a ball in some stupid way. So she was surprised when he placed a few cans of something called 'Duff Beer' at her feet. She looked back to see him looking down at her happily, a trolley full of food in his arms. The door to the store didn't show any sign of being forced.

"…How did you do that?" She couldn't believe it. The store had security. It had locks. And yet her Servant managed to sneak in and rob the place without any noise. Was there a side to him she never realised?

"Pfft. Put a bunch of security between a hungry man and his food, and he can do anything. I once saw a man as big as a whale preform acrobatics to get some food off a high shelf." He started wolfing down the food, only stopping when a red spear blasted it out of his hands. They looked up to see a man in a blue bodysuit looking down at them. Cu Chulainn. He found them. He was really there.

And he was about to kill them.

"I don't know who you two are, but I have to say the yellow one is brimming with prana." Cu said as his spear returned to his hand. "I will look forward to killing you both." He didn't remember her. He was not the Servant she summoned. What had Kotomine done to him? As she got up to be ready to defend herself, she was surprised to see Avenger standing between them.

"Listen up, you blue-haired crook. I may be a fat idiot, and tend to ramble on and make mistakes. And threaten my town by accident. But no one threatens a lady while I'm around." He grabbed a steel pole and ripped it from the ground, waving it around in a weird manner. "Let's fight."

Cu Chulainn smiled. "Gladly." He charged Avenger straight on, his spear sneaking past his defences. With every strike, Avenger kept shouting in pain, but he kept standing under the blows. And the longer he fought, the more his movements resembled a proper lancer's stance. Soon, he was able to defend himself from the blows, and even put Chulainn on the defensive. This was the same fat idiot that tried to eat all her money? It was unbelievable. Clearly Chulainn thought the same, since he wasn't smiling any more.

"You're good. Far too good for your appearance. But this fight is over. Gae Bolg." His spear glowed brightly as he threw it straight for Avenger. It was over. She did extensive research on Chulainn before summoning him. Gae Bolg was a lethal Noble Phantasm, a weapon that when used will have already struck his enemy. The weapon would keep going and going, unable to be blocked. Which is why she was shocked to see Avenger fend it off easily, even as it returned. After a few failed frontal assaults, the spear raced around behind him to run him through the back. His first fight, and he was dead. But he fought a lot better than she thought he would.

"You… You stabbed me." Avenger sounded more shocked than injured, poking the point with a finger. "You. Stabbed. Me! Why You Little…" He pulled the staff out of his heart through his chest, before running towards Chulainn faster than he should've and whacked him over the head with Gae Bolg. As Chulainn lay on the ground with bruises, Avenger grabbed him by the throat with both hands and started choking him. Chulainn tried to beat him off, but his strength seemed to jump through the roof. After a few seconds of this, Chulainn vanished into light, marking him as dead. "Woo-Hoo. I am the winner I am the winner. W.I.N.E.R. D'oh! I mean, W.I.N.N.E.R" He turned to face Bazett. "So, do I win a prize?" Bazett could only look on in shock. Cu Chulainn, her idol, one of the greatest fighters in all of Ireland, died to the hands of a fat idiot too stupid to realise he should've died.

Maybe she could win this thing after all.

Impossible. Kirei Kotomine thought to himself as reviewed Lancer's last memories. The enemy Servant should've died. He was run through the heart. But yet somehow he managed to block the blow for several seconds before surviving a fatal blow. And then he killed a hero of old with nothing more than his bare hands. What possible class was he, to have done such things? All the normal classes had already been summoned. This wasn't making sense.

"Kotomine!" He heard Bazett shout. He was annoyed that the woman survived being stabbed and became such a problem. "I am here to get revenge for my attempted death. Come out and face your punishment."

"Yeah! What she said!" Her Servant said, waving a bottle at him. Sighing, Kotomine was about to call on Gilgamesh when the King of Heroes appeared before the church. Good. This loudmouth will finally be destroyed, along with his master. Then he could go back to more important things.

"You dare stand before me, The King of Heroes, and refuse to grovel?" Gilgamesh asked them loudly. The Servant snorted in response.

"Puh-lease. I don't show the church or the President that much respect. Why should I show it to you?"

"Because you are one man, facing the wrath of gods. Now kneel, and I will make your death quick and painless."

"Hold that thought." The Servant replied, before rushing off. Gilgamesh started laughing as Bazett fidgeted, but they both stopped as he came back playing a collection of instruments. The music echoed, and it contained power.

And a collection of voices started singing.

"Who controls the British Crown? Who keeps the Metric System down? We do, we do." A mass crowd of people started appearing behind him, singing along and waving around weapons of all kinds. "Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do, we do." Two large green aliens with large tentacles started marching, waving around blasters of some kind. "Who holds back the Electric Car? Who made Steve Gutenberg a Star? We do, we do. Who robs Cavefish of their sight? Who rigs the Oscars every night? We do, we do." A reverend and a man in a green sweater appeared alongside old men in soldier uniforms. "Who controls the Church's laws? Who sends the baddest off to war? We do, we do." They were followed by another old man standing on top of a massive tank, who marched alongside men in a moving tavern. "Who make the Evil and the Good? Who stuffs our face with beer and food? We do, we do. Who uses violence to make fun? Who managed to block out the Sun? We do, we do." At the rear was a smiling man atop war machines and spy-looking soldiers. "Who gets to captain all our helms? Who takes control of all the realm? We do, we do." Even Gilgamesh seemed surprised at the sheer number of people apposing him. Bazett was just looking like she needed a drink.

"Now, pretty boy. Let's see you match the might of Springfield!" And they all charged for the church, faster than possible.

Gilgamesh summoned Ea, and tried to fire it before the army before him overwhelmed his Gate of Babylon.

I had this lying around for a while because it felt like it was missing something. But eh, I think it should do for a bit of fun.

Now, as you can obviously tell, this Servant is Homer Simpson. I know, he isn't really Heroic Spirit material. But if you look back at his long, long history, you'll see that he ends up mastering a lot of one-time skills and doing amazing things. It seems that as long as he puts his mind to it, he can almost accomplish anything.

Class: Avenger

Name: Homer J. Simpson

Series: The Simpsons

Master: Bazett Fraga McRemitz

Parameters

Strength: A

Endurance: A++

Agility: C

Magic: N/A

Luck: A+

Noble Phantasm: A

Noble Phantasms

Why You Little… (Anti-Unit)

This Phantasm represents the abuse he paid upon his son Bart after the boy enrages him through pranks. If he manages to get his hands around the neck of a Servant, he can then choke them to the point of dismissal. Can only be activated when sufficiently angered.

It's Been My Life's Dream (Anti-Unit) (Self)

Homer has had many life-long dreams, and has been driven at times to fulfil them along with any challenges he faces in life. If it truly matters to him in any form, he can quickly and easily learn the skills necessary to win at it. It's only a matter of it he can survive long enough.

The Stonecutter's Song (Anti-Army)

By playing and singing the secret song of the Stonecutters, he can summon the full might of the town of Springfield and everyone who's visited it. While hardly effective soldiers, they can still overwhelm an enemy through sheer numbers.