A/N: What can I say? The perils of writer's block, fatigue, and being a fan of The Lord of the Rings and The Big Bang Theory. This is technically a crossover, but I'm choosing to list it as a Big Bang Theory-only story. I borrowed – and altered slightly – some of Galadriel's lines from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, but when you read it you'll understand why.

This one-shot obviously takes place after Season 6, but before Season 7.

Honestly most of it comes from watching Leonard suggest it would be better for Penny to fail the class by not working with her English partner than to work with him and get a passing grade.

I own neither the show nor its characters, and I especially claim no ownership of the Lord of the Rings. No resemblance to any real people, places or things is intended. No betas were harmed in the making of this chapter, either.

Enjoy!

He was running.

When he realized how fast his loping strides were carrying him, Shel-don should have been surprised. Stunned, even. Instead he only increased his speed. His purpose was all-consuming. Somewhere nearby was the halfling that had ruined a good part of his life. Whether it was stealing a prize from his grasp or mocking him to all and sundry as a twisted, deformed freak, the pint-sized pest was an ever-present burning pain.

Now the rodent had stolen a great treasure from his possession. The halfling and his party were trying to evade Sheldon's pursuit in order to give the Ring to the Queen. It was absolutely imperative that Sheldon recover the prize. He had to be the one that presented the treasure his Queen.

The halfling could not be allowed to make off with the booty.

Looking down at his arms, he was again unsurprised to see that they were black and hairy. Rather than his normal thermal and t-shirt combination – even southern California was chilly to someone from South Texas – he wore crudely hammered armor. His hands gripped a rough, but deadly sharp curved sword instead of his messenger bag.

None of these things surprised him at that moment. All he knew was the overwhelming drive to find the halfling and recover the treasure for his queen.

The halfling camp was just ahead. He could feel its presence, taunting him but still elusive. His band loped over the rolling, open hill country, ever vigilant for their quarry, ever pressing on toward their goal. He growled a challenge to his subordinates to run even faster. If the halfling got away with the treasure, he would never be able to give it to his Queen and fulfil his destiny.

There. It was just over the next rise. A cluster of tents against the stand of trees told him he'd located his quarry. With a final sprint, they made their charge. The initial defenses posed no challenge, and with barely a pause to duck the blood spatter as the guards were dispatched, they were inside the camp.

Sheldon looked around, not seeing what he needed to see. He roared his war cry before reminding his troops of their primary task. "Find the halfling! Find the halfling!"

Chaos reigned all around him. Swords clanked on swords and clunked on armor, interspersed with the occasional duller thud and shriek of metal cleaving flesh.

No halfling.

Ignoring the battle, Sheldon started ripping tents apart. He scattered various bags of gear and food around in his frantic search.

Still no halfling.

Just as his hopes started to crash and he began to despair, Sheldon saw a scampering flash of brown at the very outside of the camp. The halfling!

He started sprinting. He jumped the low swipe of a Ranger's sword, ducked the whizzing of an Elf's arrow, and charged. Catching up to the hobbit at the edge of the forest, he grabbed a furry neck and lifted the tiny wriggling pest to his own eye level. "Where is the Ring, halfling?" he growled.

The very timbre of his voice seemed to terrify the hobbit as he stopped squirming immediately. "What Ring? I don't have any Ring!" he squeaked.

"My patience is running thin with you," Sheldon continued as his voice built from a low rumble into a roar, "You ruined my quest for the Diamond Pole."

"That?" the hobbit protested weakly, face turning red with the effort of breathing as his eyes shifted back and forth behind thick spectacles, "That was just a prank! It was no big deal! Plus, it was years ago! We thought you were over that."

Sheldon saw red and started squeezing. When the halfling yelped, he lessened his grasp ever so slightly. "You sent the foul zombie Amies after me."

"We thought you would be perfect together!" the fur ball whined.

"Perfect? Perfect?! Did it ever occur to you, pathetic little homunculus, that I should be allowed to live my own life without your interference? I am Shel-don of the Uruk-Hai!" He had to force himself not to strangle the overgrown rat that very moment.

"Well, no. We just wanted you to have someone," the hobbit exclaimed.

It was the shifting eyes behind his thick glasses that gave him away. Always looking for an escape, a way out, or a way to weasel out of his predicament. Sheldon saw it all. The rodent wanted him occupied with the undead harpy so he could pursue the Queen. He lifted the halfling back off the ground and gave such a roar the very earth shook under them. "Where is the Ring? My patience is at an end. If you do not tell me where it is this moment, I will start pulling you apart bit by bit until you beg for death."

Still the hobbit refused to answer. Tightening his grip, Sheldon gave an inarticulate roar that spurred the halfling into action. He reached for a chain dangling under his tunic. Pulling it out, he slipped a ring onto his middle finger and raised his hand. "Back with you, foul Uruk. While I wear this ring, I command you to obey my will."

Looking at the defiance on the ratline face, Sheldon dropped the halfling and started laughing. The affronted look on the hairy little beast made him laugh even harder, until he was clutching his sides as tears rolled down his face.

"Do you think you can wield the power in that ring, small one?" With a final maniacal laugh, Shel-don stood to his full height, ready to strike the halfling's head from his shoulders.

Before he could strike, the rat looked up. A blast of wind pushed Shel-don down to his knees. As he looked for his quarry, he saw the back of a gigantic eagle flying away. He heard the hobbit's taunting voice floating back to him on the breeze. "Not a big deal."

With a guttural roar, Shel-don started running. He had to get to the Queen before the halfling did.

He had no idea how long he'd been running, but when he finally got to the Queen's castle, his legs were about to fall off in protest. Shel-don's chest heaved like a bellows, but he kept going, pushing through guards and courtiers alike until he reached the Queen's chamber.

The halfling was before him, down on one knee and offering the Ring to the Queen, who looked more radiant than he'd ever known. Her golden hair splayed around her shoulders, framing tanned, almost golden skin. Her eyes blazed green fire that outshone even the lanterns in her chamber.

"You would offer me this Ring, halfling? What if I do not accept? In the place of a Dark Lord I could have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!" She seemed to change as she made the declaration, growing in stature until she dominated the hall. His Queen was every bit the terrible, awesome power she could be.

The halfling, rather than be cowed at the power in the figure in front of him, merely wiped his glasses and walked over to a table that seemed to function as a bar, pouring two huge glasses of wine. He strolled back over to the Queen and handed her one of the glasses, watching until she'd taken a few sips. The bastard is getting her drunk to impair her decision-making! Shel-don raged. He was about to charge into the hall to break up the entire pathetic display when the halfling kept talking.

"Do you really want all that? Why would you keep to that dream? Everyone would be gunning for you, trying to take you down a peg or two. Wouldn't it be better to let someone else handle all that stress and worry? Why not take this Ring and come to my burrow? We could have a nice, quiet life away from all the danger and worry of running a kingdom."

This was it. The moment fate hung on the edge of a knife.

The Queen looked at the hobbit, smiling earnestly and wiggling his eyebrows in a preposterous – to Shel-don – display.

She looked around her meeting hall, taking in all that she had accumulated and accomplished. The wine had done its work, as her posture weakened and she was now visibly swaying on her feet. Finally, her shoulders slumped. "I will diminish, and accept the Ring."

The hobbit crowed as he slid the ring on her finger before bending her down for a kiss.

Shel-don screamed. "Nooooooo!"

Sitting bolt-upright in bed, mid-scream, Sheldon looked around.

It was just a dream. There were no hobbits or queens, and he was no Uruk-Hai

Then he remembered the smug smirk on Leonard's face earlier that evening as he showed off Penny's tiny engagement ring, trying to sparkle on her finger.

It wasn't completely a dream. The halfling really had swooped in and taken his Queen. He could let it stand, wondering if Leonard's past indiscretions were just that – in the past – or if he really hadn't left Priya, Dr. Stephanie, Leslie Winkle, Dr. Plimpton, Alex, Alice, and any number of other women from bars he'd managed to drink into bed, behind him.

Could Penny really be happy with Leonard, who had discouraged her from pursuing her dreams to become an actress?

Could she really be happy with someone who bought her a car as a symbol of her dependence on his generosity?

"This shall not pass," he muttered, laying back in bed and closing his eyes.

A/N: Again, I have no apologies or excuses.

This was really fun and cathartic to write. It's a one-shot for now, but I could be persuaded to extend it if you all enjoyed it enough. I don't have any plot right now, but if you liked it, let me know, and I'll see what I can do.

Flamers will be ignored.