Author's Note: My pathetic attempt at comedy. Feel free to flame till your
fingers drop off from typing. You can sense I'm a little pessimistic, but
let's get right to the point.
Disclamer: I do not own LoD, Babbage's, Star Fox Adventures, Borders, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Starbucks, Sephiroth, Adolf Hitler (thank goodness), Janet Reno, or Zippo Lighters. I stole them all. The only thing I own in this fic is me. So there.
Chapter 1
*Striker (me) is standing outside Babbage's at his local mall, trying to get a copy of Star Fox Adventures. Suddenly, a weird man who looks like a mad scientist runs by, chasing a duck*
Striker: What the hell?
Duck: *jumps into Striker's face*
Striker: Damn duck! *throws it to the floor*
Mad Scientist Dude: NO! DON'T TOUCH THAT DUCK!
Too late.
Striker: *kicks the duck*
Duck: *quacks*
Mad Scientist: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*a giant swirling portal opens in the middle of the mall, and all nine Dragoons and Lloyd fall out, very dizzy*
Mad Scientist: Do you realize what you have done?
Striker: No, but I have a feeling you're going to give me an extremely long explanation.
Mad Scientist: Not really. The duck only quacks when it's been hurt, and when it quacks, a portal opens to a parallel universe! It was a failure of mine.
Striker: I see... So now the Dragoons are stuck here?
Mad Scientist: Yep. Now I'm going to go, because my entire purpose in this story is to give a plausible reason for the Dragoons to come here.
Striker: Good riddance. I hate ducks.
Dart: Where the hell are we?
Albert: It appears we have been transported through an extradimensional portal into the future in a parallel universe.
Dart: -_-; Did you swallow a dictionary as a kid or something?
Albert: Probably not. There is considerable doubt that a reference volume would fit down my esophagus, especially as a youth. Besides, in order to find advanced synonyms, one would require a thesaurus, not a dictionary.
All except Albert: -_-
Kongol: Kongol hungry.
Lavitz: What else is new?
Lloyd: Didn't I kill you?
Lavitz: So? You died at the end too, and so did Rose.
Rose: *lying flat on face* Zeeeeeeeiiiiiiiig...
Miranda: #$^% &#^%'s @&^#'n @%$#!
Shana: Did she just construct a sentence composed entirely of swearing?
Albert: I have approximated that precisely 57.9% of her spoken words are considered obscenities.
Striker: *speaks up for the first time* You can't approximate something precisely. That's an oxymoron.
Albert: Yes, well, um...
Meru: Who the hell are you?
Haschel: Who cares? He can make Albert look like an idiot! He'll fit right in!
Striker: I brought you all here by kicking a duck.
Dart: O_o A duck?
Striker: *shrugs*
Dart: OooooooK... what do we do now?
Striker: It doesn't really matter. Go... oh hell, I can't think of anything. Here's some cash, go blow it on whatever you want.
All Dragoons and Lloyd: *look at each other* *run off*
Striker: *sigh* What have I done?
Lavitz: *stayed behind* You have brought doom upon us all. *lights a cigarette*
Striker: O_o Where did you find those?
Lavitz: Half empty pack behind the trash can.
Striker: Oh... what about the matches?
Lavitz: Swiped them off you when you weren't looking.
Striker: *checks pockets* .- Hey! I thought knights were supposed to be honorable and all that crap!
Lavitz: Screw that. I'm dead, remember?
Striker: Oh yeah.
Lavitz: ...
Striker: ...
Lavitz: ...
Striker: ...
Lavitz: ...
Striker: ...Wanna go get a pizza?
Lavitz: What the hell is a pizza?
Striker: Cheesey greasy goodness! C'mon!
*Both leave*
*A few hours later, Albert walks out of a Borders with a gigantic stack of books*
Albert: *gasp* Can it be? *drops books* Yes! IT IS!
Kongol: *walks over with a stuffed zebra on his head* What Albert king talking about?
Albert: *points* It's...
Flock of Kids that suddenly appears: BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!
Kongol: Who that? Science guy strong?
Albert: My comrade, if knowledge is power, that man is SOA!
Kongol: Puny science man not look so strong to Kongol.
Albert and Kids: *rush over and encircle BN the SG with excited squeals*
BN the SG: OK kids, let's do a nifty experiment! Let's put a couple of marshmellows in this super-cold vat of liquid nitrogen and see what happens!
Albert and Kids: *all cheer*
BN the SG: While we're waiting, let's sing my theme song!
*theme song starts*
Kids and Albert: *start singing*
Kongol: AH! *covers ears*
Striker: *walks over, and sees Albert dancing while singing the Bill Nye Song*
Albert: *pathetic attempt at dancing* Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill Nye the Science Guy!
Striker: O_o Dude, is Albert stoned?
Kongol: *still covering ears* What?
Striker: Nevermind.
Kongol: Kongol hate evil song! Kongol SMASH PUNY SCIENCE MAN! *grabs axe and cleaves BN the SG's skull in two*
BN the SG: *dies*
Albert: No! *faints*
Kids: Oh my God! They killed Bill Nye the Science Guy and that weird girl with the ponytail!
Albert: *wakes up* I'm a guy!
Kids: Oh.
Striker: Come on, we'd better go now. I think the Mall Rent-A-Cops are coming. *uses his author magic to eliminate all material evidence, then wipes the kids' memories*
************************************************************************
Lloyd: *walks into a Starbucks* What is this place?
Random Customer: This is a Starbucks, dude?
Lloyd: Star... bucks?
Random Customer: Yeah, Starbucks. You know, coffee.
Lloyd: Coffee?
Random Customer: O_o Yeah, the hot liquid stuff?
Lloyd: Hmm... I suppose I will have to sample this 'coffee'.
*after a few minutes, Lloyd reaches the front of the line*
Guy at Counter: Hello sir, can I recommend a double latte with whipped cream?
Lloyd: Uh... sure.
Guy at Counter: *hands him a steaming styrofoam cup*
Lloyd: *drinks it* *waits* This is it? *caffine buzz kicks in* WHOA! This stuff is great! I want the biggest size you have!
Guy at Counter: Uh, sir, that IS the biggest size we carry.
Lloyd: *eyes narrow* *draws Dragon Buster* No, I don't think so. I want the BIGGEST size you have, with extra EVERYTHING. Got it?
Guy at Counter: *gulps and edges away from the big flaming sword* Yes sir. Have another double latte while you're waiting.
Lloyd: Yes, that will work quite nicely.
Some Other Guy in Line: Hey, what about us?
Lloyd: *turns around* SILENCE, FOOLS! I MUST HAVE MY COFFEE! *waves Dragon Buster around*
Other People in Line: *sloooooooowly edge towards other register*
Lloyd: *keeps consuming double lattes while he waits for his super-sized cup*
*about half an hour later*
Lloyd: *teeth chattering, eyes twitching, body convulsing*
Guy at Counter: Your super-sized latte with extra everything is ready, sir. *wheels out a luggage cart like the ones they use at airports, with a coffee cup the size of a refridgerator*
Lloyd: *gasp* O_O It's so... beautiful... YAHOO! *dives headfirst into the hole on the lid* *can't reach the coffee* NOOOOOOOO! *tries to pull head out* I'm stuck! *struggles to get head free* Must... have... coffee!
*two hours later*
Striker: Let's see... Eyewitnesses recall seeing Lloyd enter here about two hours ago. *walks into the Starbucks, and glimpses the lower body of Lloyd sticking out of a giant coffee cup* *sarcastically* Hmm... who could this be?
Lloyd: Shut up and get me out of here!
Striker: How'd you get in there in the first place?
Lloyd: Well, I threatened the guy at the counter into getting me this giant latte, and while I was waiting, they gave me $100 worth of free lattes to keep me from killing them all. So, I was on a huge caffine buzz when they finally finished this, and I dived in headfirst. Then my head got stuck. So I've been sitting here with my head stuck in a %$&^#@^ coffee cup for the past two hours!
Striker: How could you remember how much all the free lattes added up to?
Lloyd: I've been stuck in here for TWO HOURS. I did the math.
Striker: I see. During these two hours, did it occur to you at any point that you have a giant flaming sword with which you could have easily freed your head? Or better yet, you could have used your bare hands. The cup is made of styrofoam, for crying out loud!
Lloyd: *silence*
Striker: Duh.
Lloyd: Shut up, pathetic human! I was getting to that, but I didn't want to damage the holy coffee unless I had to!
Striker: *sarcastically* Oh, of course. So you spent two hours trying to find an alternate solution.
Lloyd: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP! *draws Dragon Buster*
Striker: It would be easier to use your hands...
Lloyd: This isn't about efficiency, it's about dignity! I spent two hours with my head stuck in a coffee cup, I want to salvage as much of my dignity as I can. Nothing says that you're dignified like a huge flaming sword!
Striker: Whatever...
Other Customers: *see Dragon Buster, and remembering earlier incident at counter, totally freak and stampede for the exit*
Giant Coffee Cup: *gets knocked over during stampede*
Lloyd: *scalding hot coffee pours onto his head* AAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE PAIN!
Striker: It appears that due to the fact that your head blocked the only entryway for air into the cup, that the coffee is still hot.
Lloyd: *slices open lid and withdraws head* *hair is singed off, and burns scar face* *feels his head* Oh no... I'M NOT PRETTY ANYMORE! NOW I'M JUST A WUSS WITH A BIG SWORD! *starts running in circles* Wait a second... *screeches to a halt* Long silver hair, big sword, mysterious actions and motives... oh my Soa... I'M A SEPHIROTH CLONE! MY LIFE HAS LOST ITS PURPOSE! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! *resumes running in circles*
Striker: *sighs and exits Starbucks*
************************************************************************
Dart: *walks over* Hey guys, guess what?
Striker: Hmm... let me think... Adolf Hitler escaped to South America after World War II, got plastic surgery, and now lives on as Janet Reno?
Dart: Umm... no.
Striker: Extraterrestrial green-and-purple-spotted emus have taken over China?
Dart: Nope.
Striker: Somebody hit the duck again, another portal opened, and Melbu Frahma came out?
Dart: Jeez, I hope not.
Striker: Hoo boy... this one's tough... hmm... Albert finally got a haircut?
Albert: Hey!
Dart: *shakes head*
Striker: All right, I give up. What?
Dart: I found this weird metal box that makes fire when you push this lever! *produces an ordinary lighter*
Striker: O_o Dude. That's a Zippo lighter.
Dart: Zippo? That's it! I'll name you Zippo! *hugs lighter*
Striker: *sighs*
************************************************************************
Author's Note: Whee, that's Chapter 1! Good? Bad? The crappiest thing you've ever read? Go ahead, review, I'm not afraid!
Meru: Yes you are...
Striker: O_O GAH! WINGLY ON SPEED! *runs*
Disclamer: I do not own LoD, Babbage's, Star Fox Adventures, Borders, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Starbucks, Sephiroth, Adolf Hitler (thank goodness), Janet Reno, or Zippo Lighters. I stole them all. The only thing I own in this fic is me. So there.
Chapter 1
*Striker (me) is standing outside Babbage's at his local mall, trying to get a copy of Star Fox Adventures. Suddenly, a weird man who looks like a mad scientist runs by, chasing a duck*
Striker: What the hell?
Duck: *jumps into Striker's face*
Striker: Damn duck! *throws it to the floor*
Mad Scientist Dude: NO! DON'T TOUCH THAT DUCK!
Too late.
Striker: *kicks the duck*
Duck: *quacks*
Mad Scientist: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*a giant swirling portal opens in the middle of the mall, and all nine Dragoons and Lloyd fall out, very dizzy*
Mad Scientist: Do you realize what you have done?
Striker: No, but I have a feeling you're going to give me an extremely long explanation.
Mad Scientist: Not really. The duck only quacks when it's been hurt, and when it quacks, a portal opens to a parallel universe! It was a failure of mine.
Striker: I see... So now the Dragoons are stuck here?
Mad Scientist: Yep. Now I'm going to go, because my entire purpose in this story is to give a plausible reason for the Dragoons to come here.
Striker: Good riddance. I hate ducks.
Dart: Where the hell are we?
Albert: It appears we have been transported through an extradimensional portal into the future in a parallel universe.
Dart: -_-; Did you swallow a dictionary as a kid or something?
Albert: Probably not. There is considerable doubt that a reference volume would fit down my esophagus, especially as a youth. Besides, in order to find advanced synonyms, one would require a thesaurus, not a dictionary.
All except Albert: -_-
Kongol: Kongol hungry.
Lavitz: What else is new?
Lloyd: Didn't I kill you?
Lavitz: So? You died at the end too, and so did Rose.
Rose: *lying flat on face* Zeeeeeeeiiiiiiiig...
Miranda: #$^% &#^%'s @&^#'n @%$#!
Shana: Did she just construct a sentence composed entirely of swearing?
Albert: I have approximated that precisely 57.9% of her spoken words are considered obscenities.
Striker: *speaks up for the first time* You can't approximate something precisely. That's an oxymoron.
Albert: Yes, well, um...
Meru: Who the hell are you?
Haschel: Who cares? He can make Albert look like an idiot! He'll fit right in!
Striker: I brought you all here by kicking a duck.
Dart: O_o A duck?
Striker: *shrugs*
Dart: OooooooK... what do we do now?
Striker: It doesn't really matter. Go... oh hell, I can't think of anything. Here's some cash, go blow it on whatever you want.
All Dragoons and Lloyd: *look at each other* *run off*
Striker: *sigh* What have I done?
Lavitz: *stayed behind* You have brought doom upon us all. *lights a cigarette*
Striker: O_o Where did you find those?
Lavitz: Half empty pack behind the trash can.
Striker: Oh... what about the matches?
Lavitz: Swiped them off you when you weren't looking.
Striker: *checks pockets* .- Hey! I thought knights were supposed to be honorable and all that crap!
Lavitz: Screw that. I'm dead, remember?
Striker: Oh yeah.
Lavitz: ...
Striker: ...
Lavitz: ...
Striker: ...
Lavitz: ...
Striker: ...Wanna go get a pizza?
Lavitz: What the hell is a pizza?
Striker: Cheesey greasy goodness! C'mon!
*Both leave*
*A few hours later, Albert walks out of a Borders with a gigantic stack of books*
Albert: *gasp* Can it be? *drops books* Yes! IT IS!
Kongol: *walks over with a stuffed zebra on his head* What Albert king talking about?
Albert: *points* It's...
Flock of Kids that suddenly appears: BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!
Kongol: Who that? Science guy strong?
Albert: My comrade, if knowledge is power, that man is SOA!
Kongol: Puny science man not look so strong to Kongol.
Albert and Kids: *rush over and encircle BN the SG with excited squeals*
BN the SG: OK kids, let's do a nifty experiment! Let's put a couple of marshmellows in this super-cold vat of liquid nitrogen and see what happens!
Albert and Kids: *all cheer*
BN the SG: While we're waiting, let's sing my theme song!
*theme song starts*
Kids and Albert: *start singing*
Kongol: AH! *covers ears*
Striker: *walks over, and sees Albert dancing while singing the Bill Nye Song*
Albert: *pathetic attempt at dancing* Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill Nye the Science Guy!
Striker: O_o Dude, is Albert stoned?
Kongol: *still covering ears* What?
Striker: Nevermind.
Kongol: Kongol hate evil song! Kongol SMASH PUNY SCIENCE MAN! *grabs axe and cleaves BN the SG's skull in two*
BN the SG: *dies*
Albert: No! *faints*
Kids: Oh my God! They killed Bill Nye the Science Guy and that weird girl with the ponytail!
Albert: *wakes up* I'm a guy!
Kids: Oh.
Striker: Come on, we'd better go now. I think the Mall Rent-A-Cops are coming. *uses his author magic to eliminate all material evidence, then wipes the kids' memories*
************************************************************************
Lloyd: *walks into a Starbucks* What is this place?
Random Customer: This is a Starbucks, dude?
Lloyd: Star... bucks?
Random Customer: Yeah, Starbucks. You know, coffee.
Lloyd: Coffee?
Random Customer: O_o Yeah, the hot liquid stuff?
Lloyd: Hmm... I suppose I will have to sample this 'coffee'.
*after a few minutes, Lloyd reaches the front of the line*
Guy at Counter: Hello sir, can I recommend a double latte with whipped cream?
Lloyd: Uh... sure.
Guy at Counter: *hands him a steaming styrofoam cup*
Lloyd: *drinks it* *waits* This is it? *caffine buzz kicks in* WHOA! This stuff is great! I want the biggest size you have!
Guy at Counter: Uh, sir, that IS the biggest size we carry.
Lloyd: *eyes narrow* *draws Dragon Buster* No, I don't think so. I want the BIGGEST size you have, with extra EVERYTHING. Got it?
Guy at Counter: *gulps and edges away from the big flaming sword* Yes sir. Have another double latte while you're waiting.
Lloyd: Yes, that will work quite nicely.
Some Other Guy in Line: Hey, what about us?
Lloyd: *turns around* SILENCE, FOOLS! I MUST HAVE MY COFFEE! *waves Dragon Buster around*
Other People in Line: *sloooooooowly edge towards other register*
Lloyd: *keeps consuming double lattes while he waits for his super-sized cup*
*about half an hour later*
Lloyd: *teeth chattering, eyes twitching, body convulsing*
Guy at Counter: Your super-sized latte with extra everything is ready, sir. *wheels out a luggage cart like the ones they use at airports, with a coffee cup the size of a refridgerator*
Lloyd: *gasp* O_O It's so... beautiful... YAHOO! *dives headfirst into the hole on the lid* *can't reach the coffee* NOOOOOOOO! *tries to pull head out* I'm stuck! *struggles to get head free* Must... have... coffee!
*two hours later*
Striker: Let's see... Eyewitnesses recall seeing Lloyd enter here about two hours ago. *walks into the Starbucks, and glimpses the lower body of Lloyd sticking out of a giant coffee cup* *sarcastically* Hmm... who could this be?
Lloyd: Shut up and get me out of here!
Striker: How'd you get in there in the first place?
Lloyd: Well, I threatened the guy at the counter into getting me this giant latte, and while I was waiting, they gave me $100 worth of free lattes to keep me from killing them all. So, I was on a huge caffine buzz when they finally finished this, and I dived in headfirst. Then my head got stuck. So I've been sitting here with my head stuck in a %$&^#@^ coffee cup for the past two hours!
Striker: How could you remember how much all the free lattes added up to?
Lloyd: I've been stuck in here for TWO HOURS. I did the math.
Striker: I see. During these two hours, did it occur to you at any point that you have a giant flaming sword with which you could have easily freed your head? Or better yet, you could have used your bare hands. The cup is made of styrofoam, for crying out loud!
Lloyd: *silence*
Striker: Duh.
Lloyd: Shut up, pathetic human! I was getting to that, but I didn't want to damage the holy coffee unless I had to!
Striker: *sarcastically* Oh, of course. So you spent two hours trying to find an alternate solution.
Lloyd: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP! *draws Dragon Buster*
Striker: It would be easier to use your hands...
Lloyd: This isn't about efficiency, it's about dignity! I spent two hours with my head stuck in a coffee cup, I want to salvage as much of my dignity as I can. Nothing says that you're dignified like a huge flaming sword!
Striker: Whatever...
Other Customers: *see Dragon Buster, and remembering earlier incident at counter, totally freak and stampede for the exit*
Giant Coffee Cup: *gets knocked over during stampede*
Lloyd: *scalding hot coffee pours onto his head* AAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE PAIN!
Striker: It appears that due to the fact that your head blocked the only entryway for air into the cup, that the coffee is still hot.
Lloyd: *slices open lid and withdraws head* *hair is singed off, and burns scar face* *feels his head* Oh no... I'M NOT PRETTY ANYMORE! NOW I'M JUST A WUSS WITH A BIG SWORD! *starts running in circles* Wait a second... *screeches to a halt* Long silver hair, big sword, mysterious actions and motives... oh my Soa... I'M A SEPHIROTH CLONE! MY LIFE HAS LOST ITS PURPOSE! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! *resumes running in circles*
Striker: *sighs and exits Starbucks*
************************************************************************
Dart: *walks over* Hey guys, guess what?
Striker: Hmm... let me think... Adolf Hitler escaped to South America after World War II, got plastic surgery, and now lives on as Janet Reno?
Dart: Umm... no.
Striker: Extraterrestrial green-and-purple-spotted emus have taken over China?
Dart: Nope.
Striker: Somebody hit the duck again, another portal opened, and Melbu Frahma came out?
Dart: Jeez, I hope not.
Striker: Hoo boy... this one's tough... hmm... Albert finally got a haircut?
Albert: Hey!
Dart: *shakes head*
Striker: All right, I give up. What?
Dart: I found this weird metal box that makes fire when you push this lever! *produces an ordinary lighter*
Striker: O_o Dude. That's a Zippo lighter.
Dart: Zippo? That's it! I'll name you Zippo! *hugs lighter*
Striker: *sighs*
************************************************************************
Author's Note: Whee, that's Chapter 1! Good? Bad? The crappiest thing you've ever read? Go ahead, review, I'm not afraid!
Meru: Yes you are...
Striker: O_O GAH! WINGLY ON SPEED! *runs*