how to be a heartbreaker

Callista Miralni

disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or How to be a Heartbreaker by Marina and the Diamonds. pretty little stutterbug comes from the amazing a warrior queen/otokages.

I really love the Free! cosplay parody of How to be a Heartbreaker. Unbidden, this plot bunny comes to life. I've always wanted to try my hand at writing one of these clichés. Also, because I only submitted one entry last year for SSM (and that was for sasusaku-headcanons, not even for the main event), I'm determined to make it up this year with a multichaptered fic that incorporates all the prompts.

This will be a slow start, but bear with me! This first chapter will be rather long but the following chapters will be shorter to accommodate for the daily updates.

Summary: A social experiment gone wrong, four men, two devious best friends, and the pretty little stutterbug. "Sakura, you should put on a more transparent dress." AU SasuSaku For SasuSaku Month 2014

one: hooked

Haruno Sakura stirred her martini with the toothpick-skewered olive, struggling to maintain some semblance of interest in the conversation.

"As I was telling Dr. Senju, the neural transmitters are the key in tetanus. Without a signal, the-"

Sakura took a larger sip of her martini than necessary. She didn't sit through medical school, board exams, and most of her residency for nothing.

The doctor whose name she already forgot looked at her expectantly. "Oh, you're absolutely right," Sakura said. "It's no wonder you're the go-to consult, Dr-"

"Call me Hirohito."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat at the spark of hope and interest in his eyes. "Hirohito, then," she amended.

Well. At least now she knew his name.

"Another drink, Sakura-san?" He waved the waiter towards them.

She knew she should refuse but if Sakura had one weakness, it was free alcohol.

"Oh really, I shouldn't."

"I insist," Hirohito smiled.

Maybe Hinata was right. Maybe she should be more restrained when it came to her vices.

The sound of the front door slamming shut forced Yamanaka Ino to abandon her notes and see who arrived. Of the four occupants of their cozy townhome, Ino was the only one in the house.

"Tadaima."

Ah. Sakura then.

"Forehead?" Ino called with a bit of incredulity from the top of the staircase. "You're home..."

She caught sight of the clock next to the front door and winced.

"... early," Ino finished weakly.

Sakura snorted. "Stupid piss-pot can't hold his liquor. He challenged me to a sake drinking contest and instead of being a gentlemen about it and letting me win, his competitive streak emerged and he drank himself stupid."

Ino grimaced at the abuse spilling from her usually-restrained best friend's mouth. Sakura was forever going on about turning the other cheek and watching her mouth.

"How much have you had to drink?" Ino asked, cautious.

"Two martinis, a bottle of sake, and a shot of Patron."

The smell of fresh paint assaulted her nose as she approached the apartment door. Sakura knew she was dreaming but the memory felt all too real.

She didn't want to open the door. The low groans and feminine screams of ecstasy echoing through the wood told more than what she needed to know, but Sakura knew she wouldn't believe it unless she saw it.

Mustering her courage, she inserted her key into the door and pushed it open. Just as she thought, her fiancé was tangled around another girl—his co-worker from the coffee shop he worked at—and thrusting into her from behind.

Sakura didn't think—she just acted. Pulling her arm back, she threw the metal house key with all her might, hitting him in the middle of his oversized forehead and ripping the skin open. He froze and slid out from the girl, the pair staring at her with wide eyes.

"Hey playboy."

She was glad her voice remained steady.

"Is this how to be a heartbreaker?"

Mitarashi Tenten cooked eggs in silence. She already made their bentos for the day-they were sitting out to cool in color-coordinated containers of purple, blue, green, and red.

"Good morning," a sleepy voice entered the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets for tea.

Tenten paused in her cooking to give her roommate a look of sympathy. "It's already in the tea pot, sweetheart."

Hyuuga Hinata gave her a grateful smile and poured a cup of tea out. She sat down at the table and massaged her cheeks, hoping the blood flow would help her wake up.

These long shifts would be the death of her. Hinata worked as a cardiac nurse at Konoha General Hospital. Ino and Sakura also worked there; the former as a physician's assistant and the latter as a clinical pathology resident.

Unlike her roommates, Tenten worked at the Uchiha Police Corps as a junior criminal investigator. The Chief of Police, Uchiha Fugaku, handpicked her from a batch of would-be hopefuls from the Academy's graduating class.

"Looks good, Tennie." Ino swept into the kitchen, in the middle of tying her long blond hair into a loose bun.

She acknowledged the compliment with a beaming smile. "Tea's in the pot. How did Sakura's date go?"

Ino froze in the middle of pouring tea. "We have got to do something about that girl," she said with a touch of exasperation.

Tenten and Hinata both winced. "That bad, huh?" Tenten said with a sigh. "What happened this time?"

"The usual-he drank himself stupid."

Hinata's eyes narrowed.

"He offered her another drink."

"How else does one drink himself stupid with Sakura?"

Uchiha Sasuke was having a pretty good day.

For once, his best friend was not drooling on his couch. Uzumaki Naruto decided to stay at home the night before, leaving Sasuke to spend the evening in relative peace. His own roommate, Yamato Sai, was out on another of his odd jobs as a freelance artist.

And because said drooling best friend was not on his couch, Sasuke was able to get in a good workout and eat breakfast before clocking into the office at 7:30 on the dot.

"Sasuke, you're here early."

His supervisor, Hatake Kakashi, peered at him over his novel. "Ah, no Naruto with you. Explains a lot."

On the mornings Naruto slept over, the two would slide in at eight with seconds to spare. It was a trying task to wake him up and force him to get ready for work. Sasuke hated the routine.

"What do you want, Kakashi?"

He surrendered the folder tucked under his arm. Sasuke read through the brief before closing it. A body found under the overpass early in the morning. Typical case.

"I'll get Naruto."

On second thought, Uchiha Sasuke's day was anything but good.

He could feel his warm blood trickling from beneath the tightly wrapped handkerchief on his left arm. Glaring at the blond seated across from him, Sasuke hissed, "This is all your fault, damn dobe."

The giggling nurse seemed reluctant to leave the two alone in the examination room but she had no choice when her floor supervisor practically dragged her out the door. This was one of the many reasons why Sasuke hated hospitals. As much as he loved flirting with women, he only tolerated the opposite sex when he felt like amusing himself, not when he was in need of medical attention. He cursed Naruto again for his reckless behavior.

The door opened and the clinician entered. The blond woman was no older than the both of them but Sasuke had to give her credit for her professional demeanor. She raised an eyebrow at the bloody handkerchief.

"No one's taken care of that yet?"

His scowl deepened and the clinician muttered, "These damned, simpering morons... a patient who happens to be attractive walks in and all they want to know is how long his dick is. We really need to raise our hiring standards."

Naruto laughed. "You're the first doctor who hasn't tried to feel him up yet."

She gestured for Sasuke to sit on the bed and hold out his arm. Pulling out the necessary supplies from the various drawers and cabinets, she arranged them on the counter and donned a pair of gloves.

"I'm a PA, not a doctor. Hold still while I take a look at this. My name is Yamanaka, by the way."

Sasuke winced as Yamanaka applied pressure to his gash while unwinding the handkerchief with her free hand. She inspected it for a moment before frowning.

"What did you cut yourself on?"

"Rusty metal panel of an old warehouse on the docks," Sasuke replied.

"Up to date on your shots?"

At this, Sasuke paused. Was he?

Yamanaka took a look at him and sighed. "I'm going to take a sample of your wound to check for infection, okay? You'll know the results in two days."

"Why so long?" Naruto blurted out.

She took out a culture swab and gently dabbed at his arm. "We have to grow it before we can run tests on it."

Yamanaka sealed the swab in a culture tube and placed it on the counter. She began cleaning his wound and bandaging him up.

"Give us a call if some thing happens. And you," she turned to Naruto. "Make sure you check on him often. With tetanus, he will undergo rigid paralysis and may not be able to eat or breathe."

Naruto's eyes widened. "Of course!"

"Good," Yamanaka nodded curtly. She signed a couple papers before handing them to Sasuke. "Take this to the front desk. I'm discharging you."

"Sakura-chan~" Ino waltzed into the department. "I've got some thing for you to play with."

Her best friend pushed herself away from her desk. "Ino, I'm not going to do another paternity test for you just because you want to know the juiciest gossip before the tabloids do."

Ino looked away, guilty. "That was one time. This is actual work."

She slid the culture tube towards her. "Possibly a C. tetanii infection. Sampled from a wound caused by a rusted metal siding."

Sakura groaned. "Fantastic. Now I get to have Dr. Piss-Pot breathing down my neck. That man's obsession with tetanus is unhealthy."

The name stirred something in Ino's memory. "Do you mean Sandayuu Hirohito?"

She giggled at Sakura's displeased expression. "Look, pull your strings and make sure you're the consult in two days when the patient comes back for his test results. I guarantee you won't regret it."

"Ino, I'm the resident. Won't he want the actual doctor for consult?"

"Trust me," Ino winked. "You won't want to miss out on this."

Two days later, Uchiha Sasuke was in the hospital again.

He drummed his fingers on his thigh and looked at the clock. 10:15. The doctor was supposed to be in thirty minutes ago.

"Maa, maa," Kakashi stretched his arms out. "They sure are taking their time."

Sasuke scowled. "Why are you even here? The dobe is witness enough."

Departmental policy mandated that any staff member injured on the job must be accompanied by another member. Five years ago, some pigheaded Uchihas thought they could hide their injuries and forged hospital visit receipts. This was to ensure everyone received medical attention.

"I'm paying the bill," his supervisor answered cheerfully. "Courtesy of your father."

A commotion in the outside hallway caught their attention.

"To hell with you and your so-called expertise!" An angry, decidedly female, voice filtered through the door. "This is my patient, my case, my work, so hands off, Sandayuu!"

The door slammed open and a petite figure stood on the threshold. "Out, or Tsunade-sama will hear about this," she snarled. "How am I supposed to train and do my job if you continuously steal cases from me?"

The man muttered something under his breath before storming away. She ran her fingers through her short locks before smoothing her lab coat down.

"I'm sorry you had to witness that," the doctor said as she flipped through Sasuke's chart. "Uchiha-san, how are you feeling today?"

"Fine," Sasuke replied shortly. He wasn't feeling so generous with this woman who wasted half his morning though her brisk mannerisms made him feel a little grateful that it was her and not the doctor she quarreled with treating him. Sasuke got the feeling he would have been treated like a specimen under a microscope had Sandayuu-sensei taken a look at him.

She gestured for him to take a seat on the examination bed. "My name is Haruno, a clinical pathology resident under Senjuu-sensei. I looked at the culture we took from your arm and it tested negative for C. tetanii. However, I am concerned by what did culture and therefore, I'm prescribing you antibiotics."

She undid the bandage and took a closer look at it. "Any pain, especially at night?"

Sasuke paused. "No."

He yelped when she prodded the open skin with a gloved finger. "Right," she said with a wicked smile. "No pain at all."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at her before letting out a soft sigh. The women he encountered at this hospital were an unusual lot, though he couldn't complain about their professionalism.

"We need more women like her in our department," Kakashi chuckled. "Tenten is simply not enough to counter your prickliness."

The doctor looked at him in surprise. "Mitarashi Tenten?"

"The one and only. You know her?"

She finished bandaging Sasuke's arm. "She's my roommate," Haruno-sensei said as she pulled off her gloves. "Here's your prescription, Uchiha-san. Make sure you take the pills twice a day, every day, no exceptions."

Sasuke accepted the slip. "Thanks," he muttered. "I appreciate it."

The doctor fought a grin. "Again, I apologize for earlier this morning. Please come and see me if you have any questions."

The door closed softly behind her and she was gone.

Tenten took another look at the envelope before groaning. Was it already that time of year? The Corps annual winter gala was more of a fundraiser than anything. Tenten had free tickets for her and her escort but she despised the whole "getting ready" part that came along with these events.

"I'll go with you."

She jumped out of her chair. "Kami-sama, Hina, don't sneak up on me like that!"

Hinata laughed before sliding into the chair next to her. "Saturday, huh?"

Tenten handed her the invitation. Hinata propped her chin on one hand. "Black tie... you should ask if Ino and Sakura want to go. You know they'd love to support you and your work."

The woman sighed before taking the invitation back and putting it away. "That's not it," Tenten groaned. "I already have a date. Hyuuga Neji handed me this envelope and asked me to go with him."

Startled, Hinata glanced at her friend. Mitarashi Tenten on a date? With her prim cousin?

"I'm surprised you said yes," Hinata replied, getting up to prepare something for dinner. "You usually say no."

"Personal business and work do not mix," Tenten said, miserable. "Hyuuga didn't exactly give me the chance to say no."

It was easy to hide the satisfied grin with her back turned. So, Neji-nii took her advice after all. Her cousin had been flirting with Tenten since their Academy days.

"Don't worry," Hinata tried to reassure her. "The three of us will go and keep you company. It won't be so bad. Maybe you'll enjoy yourself."

She scoffed. "With holier-than-thou Hyuuga? I doubt it. I still have problems believing you two were raised by the same person."

"You saw him."

Sakura looked sideways at the blonde. "I see many people, Ino. You're going to have to be more specific."

"The possible tetanus guy I gave you," Ino clarified with excitement. "And I heard you gave Sandayuu quite the tongue-lashing."

Sakura winced. Although her mentor was displeased that once again, Sandayuu Hirohito tried to take yet another of her cases, she had been scolded for raising a fuss and for her less than professional behavior.

"What about him?"

"Isn't he gorgeous?" Ino said dreamily. "I'm impressed you didn't jump him. He's just your type, you know."

The hot blush burned her cheeks and Sakura stepped aside to let someone pass. "I didn't jump him because I am a clinician and he is my patient," Sakura stressed as the subway started up again.

"Sure, sure," Ino said cheekily. "So anything interesting happen with him?"

The memory of his pained scowl came to mind.

"Yeah," Sakura shook her head in amusement. "He tried to play tough and tell me that his arm wasn't in pain at all but one little touch sent him screaming."

"Men," her best friend sighed.

"You asked Mitarashi to be your date."

Hyuuga Neji kicked his legs. "Off my coffee table."

"Yes, Kaa-chan," Sasuke mocked as he moved his feet off the table. "I still can't believe you had the balls to do that."

"Guys, I can't figure out how to tie this thing," Naruto came in with his tie in hand.

Neji choked on his saliva and Sasuke sighed.

"Dobe, you look like a rotten pumpkin."

Naruto sported a black suit with an orange tie. In all honesty, it wasn't as bad as Sasuke made it sound, but he couldn't believe his best friend could find a way to incorporate his favorite color into a tuxedo.

Sasuke did the tie in an efficient knot. Rapping Naruto on the forehead with his knuckles, he chastised him for the color yet again.

"Yeah, yeah, Kaa-chan," Naruto said with a mocking grin. "I'm going to do you a favor tonight, Bastard."

"I don't need your favors, dobe," Sasuke said with a frown. "You've done plenty already."

Naruto's leering grin made him feel uneasy.

"I'm going to get you laid."

Among many things, Sasuke was not one to stare, but even he could not help the slight drop of his jaw whenever he and Naruto entered the room and he came face-to-face with two familiar faces.

Yamanaka-san kept opening and closing her mouth, cornflower blue eyes wide and unblinking. Her companion, Haruno-sensei, took one glance at him before downing the rest of her champagne and striking up a conversation with the third woman in their party.

"You're the C. tetanii guy!" Yamanaka finally exclaimed. "I didn't realize you were in the Corps with Tenten."

"Mitarashi? How do you know her?" Naruto finally stopped staring.

"Roommates," Yamanaka replied. "And Hina-chan is her date's cousin."

Sasuke could tell. The woman shared the same dark hair, the same light colored eyes, and the same fair complexion as their prissy coworker. He wondered if she was as snobbish as Neji.

"Hyuuga Hinata," she introduced herself. "Pleased to meet you."

She wasn't. As it were, Hinata seemed to be the antithesis of Neji.

"Uchiha Sasuke. This is my friend, Uzumaki Naruto. We work with Neji," Sasuke replied.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his father stand up to make opening remarks. "Yamanaka-san, Haruno-sensei, pleasure to see you again. Enjoy the rest of your evening," Sasuke said with an automatic—and fake—smile before dragging Naruto with him to their table.

"I understand now," Naruto said with a grim expression.

Sasuke glanced at him incredulously.

"Understand what?"

"Why Neji looks like a girl," his best friend nodded. "The effeminate features run strong in his family."

Sasuke snorted.

"Okay, here's the deal, Saki," Ino said, matter-of-fact, as the salad was served.

The woman paused. "What?"

"You are going to meet men tonight."

Sakura's green eyes narrowed. "No, Ino," she hissed. "I am not here to pick up a boy!"

"But you won't be picking up boys," Ino exclaimed. "You'll be picking up men."

"Just talk to people, Sakura-chan," Hinata intervened before Sakura could cause a scene. "We're getting a little worried about you."

The sincerity on Hinata's face forced Sakura to swallow her acerbic reply.

"Fine."

"This is my friend Sasuke!" Naruto gestured grandly to him.

He inclined his head slightly. "Charmed," he drawled.

The woman turned pink and stuttered out a return greeting before turning heel and running away.

Sasuke smirked and Naruto smacked his forehead.

"Teme!" He wailed. "You're supposed to hook up with women, not make them run away!"

The woman was chattering with her two friends across the room, looking at him from head to toe. One of her friends said something to her before forcefully pushing her back towards him. She squared her shoulders before slinking her way to through the crowd back to him.

"Wait," Sasuke said. "She'll come back any minute now."

She pushed past the final group between them.

"Sorry," she gave him a demure smile. "My friend wanted me for something. I'm Kara."

Now that he had a good look at her, Kara wasn't interesting. She'd make a move, he'd pretend to reciprocate, they'd have sex, and he'd leave first thing in the morning. She'd cry and cling onto him, he'd brush her off, and they'd never see each other again.

How exhausting. Better to avoid the whole spectacle altogether.

"Hn."

"Give me that."

Sakura's protests went ignored as Tenten seized her margarita and drank the rest of her glass in one gulp. Scowling, she ordered another drink.

"You shouldn't steal people's drinks. It's not very nice."

"Oh shut up, Saki," Tenten said, agitated. "You'd do it too if you were stuck in the insufferable Hyuuga Neji's company for the evening."

She placed an order for a tequila sunrise. Sakura raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything until the bartender handed Tenten her drink.

"I've met six different, highly uninteresting men in the last hour and I'm about ready to hang myself off the building," Sakura offered. "Believe me, I need the tequila."

Tenten nodded in agreement before a familiar voice reached their ears. The two turned at the same time to watch Ino flirt with one of the junior detectives, Nara Shikamaru.

Sakura licked the salt off her rim. "She makes it look so effortless."

"What?"

"Breaking people's hearts," Sakura clarified. "I wonder what it's like to be so highly desired."

Tenten blinked at her for a moment before laughing. "Oh, that's a good one." She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. "Why on earth would you want to learn to be a heartbreaker?"

She took a bigger sip of her margarita than necessary. Even after three years, the thought of her cheating fiancé made her blood boil.

"I'm going to make him pay."

Pick one by midnight and go home with her, Naruto begged. Sasuke snorted over his rum on ice. Why on earth was Naruto so invested in his sex life?

"Because you have a stick lodged so deep up your ass, it's making you unbearable!" Naruto explained. "You haven't gone out with a girl in ages!"

So what if it had been three years? After his last girlfriend confessed to regularly sleeping with one of her coworkers, Sasuke didn't feel like exerting the energy it took to first catch a woman's attention and then to keep her around. When he and his friends would go out, he flirted with women just to prove he could still get a girl with considerably less effort than the rest of the people he hung around with.

It was five minutes to midnight and Sasuke ordered another rum straight.

"Ne, Bartender-san," a light voice slurred. "Give me another white sangria pretty please."

Two seats away, Haruno-sensei greedily took a gulp of her drink. Judging by the bartender's amazed expression, the woman had been at the open bar for a while.

"Hey," he called to her. "Should you be drinking so much?"

The woman licked her lips before facing him. "This sangria has the answers I'm looking for," she told him with a serious nod. "The sweet fruity notes, the bubbly ginger ale, the dash of sugar, the crisp flavor of the riesling, the sucker punch after effect of the alcohol… it's the perfect combination. How does one achieve such a thing?"

Sasuke blinked.

"You just said how to make a sangria."

She gave him a pitying smile. "No, silly. How does a person achieve the same effect?"

"What—how to be like a sangria?"

"No," Haruno-sensei repeated patiently. "How to be a heartbreaker. Sweet at first, but then hurts like a bitch when the alcohol purges from your liver."

Sasuke stared at her. She's crazy—comparing mixed drinks to heartbreakers.

But then again, she had a point—he admitted as he took another sip. Flirts were like mixed drinks. At first, you can't get enough of their sweet flavor but at two am, when the toilet bowl is your best friend, you wish you never took a sip of that first drink.

"Do you know how to be a heartbreaker?"

The question startled him. Heartbreaker was not the word Sasuke would have used—flirt, tease, player, asshole, douchebag were better, less sentimental options.

"Why do you care?" He asked instead.

Her dark olivine eyes were serious.

"Teach me."