Hey! I'm back. So this is basically me going nuts after my last-ever-finals and thinking way too much about Arrow when we have so little updates. This is post S2E23 and will only be divided into two parts. And it will most definitely be Oliver/Felicity (despite what you guys might think at some points). Fair warning: there is a LOT of Diggle/Felicity friendship because if I could, I'd create a spin-off that would center around these two trading jabs and being friends, and sometimes Oliver would join in on the fun and get half-naked and have steamy make out sessions with Felicity. But this is just me. What do I know about writing a show? I'll stick to fanfictions then.

Without further ado…

JEALOUSY, GHOSTS & I LOVE YOUs

I.

She's not exactly seething. Jealous? Maybe. Annoyed? Definitely. Transparent? Certainly, but God knows she tries really hard to keep it to herself.

So he told her he loved and it was all a ploy. Hey. At least, he didn't sleep with her. That's still better than the douche from that party at M.I.T who pursued her for weeks only to tell her once she'd given in that "he wasn't looking for that kind of relationship. But you're adorable". Asshole.

Why does she keep doing this to herself, really? She knew what she was getting into when they went to the mansion. Hell, it was even her idea! So she can't really be mad at Oliver for going a little over board and saying he loved her, can she? No. She can't. So why does she keep doing this to herself?

She knows.

It's because of all the hotness. Can anyone really blame her? She's human. She has hormones. She hasn't had time to get laid in months and she only hangs out with nice and very (very!) hot-looking dudes suffering from a massive hero-complex. It was easier to keep herself in check when she was working with guys whose only topic of conversation was their life in World of Warcraft and who ate at Subway twice a day.

She grew up watching Disney (and she's apparently not the only one, hello Robin Hood Oliver?). Felicity Smoak blames Disney and her love for teen shows for falling madly in love with the gorgeous best friend who could never think of her "that way". But who has apparently no problem with the rest of the world's female population.

Felicity is angry at herself (and at Oliver too, but really, she's mostly seething at her uncanny ability to pick guys that are just wrong for her).

Because the truth is, she can rationalize the entire thing. Oliver would be terrible for her. She knows he would be. They would make the worst couple. Right? She even made a list.

1. He has shown that he can kill (yeah, but now he won't because he finally realizes that there's always an other way, even one that breaks her heart in the process, great work Felicity!)

2. He has a harem of women lusting after him (yes, she's one of them, so what?) and is so used to the attention it mostly barely ever registers on his radar except when he needs to get laid (see: Sara, Isabel)

3. He's bone-headed

4. He thinks he's always right

5. He's too gorgeous

6. He has the weirdest commitment issues

7. He thinks that he can decide the way she leads her life

But all of this is not even important because number 8: he's not interested in her that way. He loves her, sure. Like a friend. He absolutely loves the way she sees him. Like a hero. A hot hero with a gorgeous muscled torso. And shoulders. Man, his shoulders…

The pinging noise of her research brings Felicity out of her fantasy, and back to her annoyance. And anger. Aimed at herself. Because she's a moron who doesn't learn. That Oliver is never going to be interested in her. Ever. Exhibit A is currently concentrating on how to give a punch with all of her strength to a training dummy. Exhibit A is tall, slender, super skinny, all long-hair and long eye-lashes that get Oliver all brainwashed in one bat.

Oh he doesn't mind training Gorgeous Laurel. Not one bit. Diggle is the poor one in charge of teaching her how to defend herself, but Oliver volunteers immediately when Gorgeous Laurel joins the team and asks to be trained so she can compare with Sara.

Felicity snorts. Gorgeous Laurel can try all she wants, but she'll never be Sara. Which, frankly, is not that bad because that'd mean that Gorgeous Laurel has been devastated by a terrible psycho, broken by another, and rebuilt by the League of Assassins. Felicity might admire Sara, but she sure as hell doesn't wish she could be her. Felicity is happy to still be able to enjoy a pint of mint chipped ice cream while watching TV shows and sipping on red wine on Sunday evenings.

Apparently, that ship has sailed a long time ago for Gorgeous Laurel. Maybe it's because she can no longer drink the red wine.

So that leaves Gorgeous Laurel coming to their new lair every goddamn night to train with "Ollie" and ask when she can join in on the field-fun. And Oliver eagerly says yes. And trains her. And replays a weird version of the "Ghost" scene, except there's no music, no clay, a practice dummy and Felicity sitting in the background trying to ignore their chuckles and groans. Oh, and thank god, there's no kissing or sex either.

At that point, Felicity wishes they'd just do it already so she can be able to concentrate on her work properly. In the meantime, she'll keep biting her lips, clench her jaw and focus on her task.

To think that it used to be so easy. Back at M.I.T, there were no distractions. Just plain coding and hacking fun.

The good thing with anger and hurt, it's that at one point it all blurs into a buzzing white noise that covers Laurel and Oliver's easy banter and she can finally focus. Diggle's gone to pick their food order at that delicious Chinese place, and Roy is god knows where. So that leaves her. And her research on Thea. And her jealousy.

After hours and hours of training (how much stamina do they have, really?), Laurel eventually packs her stuff and wipes her forehead with the back of her hand. Felicity glances at her from the corner of her eyes and wants to roll them and gag.

Even drenched in sweat, Laurel Lance stays Gorgeous. When Felicity sweats, her entire shirt is dripping, her hair curls haphazardly in a very bad impression of the worst years of Bonnie Tyler, and all her muscles twitch like she suffers from the creepiest OCD. Nothing gorgeous about it, nope.

"I'm going to visit my dad, but if you guys need me tonight, don't hesitate, okay?"

Felicity rolls her eyes. Thank god her back is to them and Laurel is too focused on Oliver to notice. It's been the same charade every goddamn late-afternoon-evening for a month. Laurel comes in, trains for hours and hours (the longest was three hours but it always feels way more), and then she goes visit her father who has finally gotten out of his coma and been getting better by the day. To finish with, she almost begs to be called in for Team Arrow business. Which, for some reason, Oliver still hasn't relented on doing.

This is the weirdest foreplay that Felicity has ever been privy to. And her freshman year roommate was a nymphomaniac sorority girl at MIT. So that is saying a lot.

"Will do," Oliver nods with a kind smile.

Felicity wants to snort and smirk but she manages to suppress all of it. This is Oliver's way to let Gorgeous Laurel down easy. Granted, it's no "because of the life that I lead" speech, or patronizing silent smile — these are especially for her — but it's still a way for Oliver to say "not gonna happen" without actually wording it.

"Okay, good night, Ollie. Bye Felicity!"

Felicity barely turns, waving her hand distractedly.

"Bye!"

It's weird. Since Laurel learnt that there is a reason other than sleeping together for Oliver and Felicity's relationship, there's been a new edge in her tone (Felicity thinks it's respect, but it might also be slight jealousy which she still can't explain). Sometimes, Laurel's even nice to her and asks her stuff. Like, how she is, if it's not too hard to work with so many grumpy guys, if she needs any help. But the truth is, it both weirds them out too much so they keep their answers brief (she's good, Oliver is the only grumpy one, and no thanks but she's got it).

Oliver and Laurel exchange one more "bye" (because why the hell not?), prompting another eye roll from Felicity, and then she is finally out the door.

'Thank god!' Felicity feels like sighing, and closes her eyes in relief. No more weird grunting and groaning and muffled sounds.

But that means that there's total silence — which is completely new. In the past month, there's always been noise: moving stuff around, people (the rest of the team) training, missions being conducted. And grunting and groaning from Oliver and Gorgeous Laurel.

With the silence comes the realization that Felicity has not been alone with Oliver since that very awkward, cringe-inducing confrontation scene on the beach on Lian Yu. Where she basically gave Oliver the opportunity to tell her that he meant it. Opportunity that, in case she's forgotten, he hasn't taken. Patronizing silent smile was his wonderfully clear response. Talk about letting a girl down easy.

She still doesn't know what she prefers. A self-righteous speech or a smile that means "you're adorable"? Ha, let's be honest she hates them both.

"You okay?" Oliver asks, very close to her.

She jumps, because she was deep in her thoughts (quietness does that to her) and did not expect him to talk to her. Why? She doesn't know. They haven't really talked in a month. He doesn't need any more pep talks, and he sort of hurt her the last two times they spoke so she's fine with being put on the back burner. She'd be happier if he didn't forget that she's in the room, but what can she do?

"What?" he stammers.

Felicity blinks.

"What?" she repeats.

Please make it so that she hasn't said it out loud. Or muttered.

"I don't forget that you're in the room," he insists.

Oh. So she said it out loud. And she now has to fight the pressing need to plaster her palm across her face. Whatever. Fine. She can treat him with his own medicine. The patronizing silent smile.

"Okay," she says — she can't be that silent. Not from lack of trying though.

But Oliver doesn't let go and frowns as Diggle steps inside the room with their food order. Oh thank god for Diggle, the best buffer the world has ever invented.

"Is this about Laurel? What do you have against her?"

Felicity blinks again because usually, Oliver is the King of Avoidance, the Emperor of Things Left Unsaid and she was sort of counting on that to be forgotten once again. Except, for some reason tonight, not only does Oliver not mind Diggle's presence, he also wants answers.

"Nothing," she replies.

Which is true. She doesn't have anything against Laurel. Gorgeous Laurel. She's just insanely jealous and it's not fair.

"Just… how long are you going to wait for before putting all of us out of our misery?"

Oliver turns to share a look of disbelief with Diggle.

"What are you talking about?"

Felicity knows she's said too much by then. She's made her bed. Now she has to lie in it (alone). Whatever. She's practically begged him for a confirmation of his feelings. How more humiliating can it get?

Mmh. Knowing her, she can find new depths. Oh well. She's exhausted. And jealous.

"When are you going back to dating Gorgeous Laurel? Because this workout-foreplay is frankly distracting and exhausting. She wants you. You want her. Just do it already and let us concentrate on our mission."

There's a long silence where Felicity wishes the floor would open right under her and swallow her. A glance at Diggle makes her aware that he's trying really hard not to laugh out loud. Oliver however? Looks completely baffled.

"Again: what are you talking about?"

"Your workout-ghost reenactment where she's Demi Moore and you're obviously Patrick Swayze," Felicity elaborates. Oh yeah. He's totally Patrick Swayze. She bets he can pull that carrying move from Dirty Dancing too.

It's Oliver's turn to blink, and move to face Diggle in inquiry.

"Is it what it looks like?" he asks.

Diggle holds his hands up in front of him, because he's a vicious traitor who obviously knows better than to get between Oliver and his women. But Felicity is part of his women. Huh. Actually, no. She's his girl. How adorable. Because Oliver doesn't see her as a woman.

"Felicity, I'm not getting back together with Laurel."

Felicity is a moron, who should really know better but can't help herself because she doesn't have any control over her mouth. That's why instead of saying "Tell her that", she goes with a genuinely surprised:

"Why not?"

"What do you mean 'why not'?" Oliver asks.

Felicity rolls her eyes and stares at Diggle.

"Am I suddenly speaking an entirely different language or something? Or do my questions really make no sense? Actually, never mind, it's none of my business. I just thought…"

She trails off, going back in her mind, and waves off the entire thing as she turns in her chair to face her computers. In silence. Without grunting and groaning. She's trying to ignore the fluttering in her chest at the knowledge that he doesn't want to get back together with Laurel, because really, this isn't helping. What would help? Going out. And not just going out in general (like, with a guy). GO OUT. Of the foundry-that's-not-the-foundry-anymore-because-of-Slade. Urgh. Slade. Way to ruin her life and her perfectly unhealthy relationship with Oliver.

"You just thought what?" Oliver insists.

What's with him and insistence tonight? Seriously? The guy hates communicating and suddenly he wants to understand her point of view?

"Nothing! I guess you care too much about her already," she mutters, because she's tired and he's pushing her and maybe if she makes him too uncomfortable he'll finally back off.

"You're going to need to be a little more clear than that."

So she sighs and spins her chair to plunge a paternalistic look in Oliver's eyes and explain everything very slowly. Because whatever he's doing with Laurel? Is completely dumb. Just because Felicity is miserable in the love department (miserable doesn't even cover it at that point, 2014 was not a good year for her heart) there's no reason for her to be a bitch about it. Might as well get used to it as soon as possible and soften the blow. Maybe that'll help her move on.

"Well, it all makes total sense when you think about it. Slade had the right girl from the get go and now you're enforcing your entire" she moves her hands in front of her awkwardly and drops her voice in a pathetic imitation of Oliver that sounds like a Neanderthal — which he is, "'I can't be with someone I care about' rule to protect her. Except, really, Oliver, that's bull. She clearly doesn't want to be protected. Or if she does, she's more interested in 'the full body protection' if you get my drift… Come to think of it, I think the idea that you're the Arrow turns her on, because she had the hots for him, and she's obviously still in love with you so now it's kind of the very best of both worlds" and then her eyes take in Oliver's utter shock at her words and she hears herself, and she wants to die instantly, "and I'm going to shut up now. Because I think past experiences show that me, having an opinion about your sex life, leads to the most awkward conversations. Like this one. Oh my god, someone please just stop me already."

"Okay, time to eat!" Diggle jumps in, his face showing an impressive mix of embarrassment and amusement.

"Oh thank you. I'm starving."

Oliver stays completely silent. Now that's more like the Oliver that she knows! Well, she did go on full-uncomfortable mode, to be fair. She'd be stunned into silence too if she were subjected to the same amount of word vomit. Or maybe not. She doesn't know. She's never met someone as bad as her at expressing themselves as she is. Maybe it's because she didn't have a lot of people to talk to when she was a kid?

Is she seriously psychoanalyzing herself in her mind right now?

Is he thinking her words over? He looks like he's thinking her words over. If he ends up relenting and going full-on workout-ghost on the mats tomorrow thanks to her, he better remember to shut the cameras off. No need to see him do it with the other Lance sister this time.

They start eating, all deciding to ignore her latest shameful ramble — thank goodness — as Diggle begins a less cringe-worthy conversation: his baby.

Felicity is so excited about the news it's ridiculous. Diggle told her she'd be his kid's aunt. She's a single child, she's never going to be a real aunt so that's how she explains her overjoyed reaction to everything Baby Diggle related. Or maybe it's because it's the single positive news they've had in literally two years.

"I can't wait to know if it's a boy or a girl. I bought stuff, everything white! Which is stupid, I know, because he or she is going to barf a lot and it'll be a bitch to clean. Urgh. Come to think of it, maybe I'll return all of it. Maybe it's bad luck and I need to just stop buying stuff. What if Lyla miscarries? It'll be all my fault! I'll totally return everything. Except the stuffed Robin Hood. I just couldn't help it. It's adorable! Whatever, if you guys end up not needing it, I'll keep it for me."

Diggle blinks, like Oliver did not that long ago, and frowns while Oliver stops eating altogether.

"What's going on with you?"

She startles and it's her turn to frown.

"Nothing, why? I'm tired, that's all."

Diggle understands immediately and nods in compassion. She told him why she doesn't really sleep that well. Sometimes, she wishes she could be Diggle. Because he's always collected, he has all of his shit together, and he seems like he understands Oliver and her dynamic way better than she ever has. Oliver notices his nod and doesn't seem to like it.

"Why are you tired?"

"Because I work a lot?"

That's a blatant lie. Diggle knows it. She knows it. Oliver obviously knows it. And they all let it go. Now that's more like it!

The guys prepare for their patrol, deciding to focus on a specific part of the Glades for the night. As Diggle goes to get his car, Oliver lingers in the foun— new lair, goddammit she needs to get used to it already, prompting Felicity's heart to beat faster and her hands to become so moist she has to wipe them against her skirt.

Gosh she's so gross.

"You've got it wrong," he says eventually, his tone serious.

"What?"

"If I'm not getting back together with Laurel it's not because I'm scared or anything. It's because I don't want to. What you see… What we… We're in a good place — as friends, I mean. When he took Laurel, Slade didn't take the woman that I love, he was wrong anyway."

Felicity opens her mouth, stunned into silence. That's the most words Oliver has told her since his fake declaration. She gulps, and nods, trying — and failing — to shrug like she doesn't care.

"Like I said, it's none of my business. I just don't want you to walk away from someone who could make you happy for stupid reasons is all. But again. None of my business."

Again with the patronizing silent smile. It breaks the spell. She hates that smile. The one that makes her feel cute and adorable. Screw that.

"Now go."

Oliver nods, but before he turns, he drops his hand on her shoulder and Felicity has the toughest time not shrinking away from his touch.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

Felicity bites her lips. She can't tell him why sleep eludes her and she's slowly becoming insane. He'll blame himself, and deep down it's not his fault. She volunteered. She brought this on herself.

She can't sleep because she remembers the roller-coaster of emotions that was that endless night; the fleeting feeling of hope that she tried to tame with all her strength, the anguish that made her stomach churn while she waited to be kidnapped, and the deep terror that iced her skin for hours while Slade held her hostage.

This entire evening also triggered a lot of memories from the night the Count abducted her, and it's becoming difficult to deal with this — that's not even mentioning the concussion from the accident, nor the numerous moments of fear throughout the evening. It's not exactly like she can talk about it to a shrink either. So she does the next best thing. She tells Diggle when he notices, and eats a lot of ice cream. She should be worried that she's not getting fatter — it's the nerves, they burn calories faster than a jog, lucky her — but she's too tired to care.

But she knows that if she tells Oliver that she doesn't sleep because she's starting to be scared of the dark, he'll worry, he'll blame himself, he'll act all concerned and she doesn't need that. She needs to stop theorizing and reading too much into his actions every time he does something nice to her.

And that starts now. So she takes a step away from him, and rolls her eyes like it doesn't matter, with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"The usual. How are we going to get QC back, what if a mission goes wrong for any of you, why can't I find Thea… I just worry too much and my mind's on a loop. It'll get better, it's just… it's been a tough year, you know?"

None of this is completely false, so kudos to her. Oliver smiles sadly, and there's a glint that Felicity struggles to ignore in his eyes as they seek hers.

"I know. I couldn't have done any of it without you. I hope you know that."

She tilts her head. Appreciation? From Oliver? Hell must be freezing over somewhere.

"Well, thank you for saying it anyways. Now go, John's waiting for you!"

Oliver smiles again, and leaves the new lair after another long serious look that makes Felicity tingle. She shakes her head in annoyance and forces herself to get back to business as usual.

From that day on, Oliver trains Laurel from a five foot distance, arms crossed and they don't laugh as much. If Laurel notices the difference, she doesn't say anything. As for Felicity, she signs up on a dating website.

More time passes, and the exhaustion doesn't go away. If anything, it gets worse for Felicity. The good thing is, she's so tired at that point that it mostly feels like she's high. Laurel still shows up often, but she has apparently taken the hint and she trains on her own, asking for Diggle's comments sometimes. Diggle stays very professional — almost cold, wary of Laurel.

John is Felicity's favorite person in the entire world.

It's difficult to have Laurel around that often, and to see her fight that well. She progresses rapidly (unlike Felicity who still avoids John's fake attacks with screams) and even puts on some weight, to the point where it's becoming difficult for Oliver to keep her at bay without a good excuse.

"I swear I'll listen, Ollie," Laurel pleads one night. "If you say to stay put, I'll stay put."

"Why do you keep wanting to put yourself in danger?" Oliver thunders.

"I want to help!"

"Being the D.A helps enough, trust me! What if people recognize you?"

Felicity wants to snort at that. The guy wouldn't wear a mask for a whole year and he's throwing that stupid argument to Laurel? Dig is leaning against Felicity's desk while they both stare at the two of them fighting. She oddly wonders if that's how Oliver and her look like when they have words. Laurel is trying to step toward Oliver and make him face her, but he always moves out of her grasp and barely faces her.

"Diggle doesn't wear a mask!"

Felicity frowns and glances at her friend. Huh. She'd never really thought about it. Roy got a mask, even an outfit — and a name. He's the Red Arrow. What does that make Diggle? He can't be the Black Bullet that sounds way too racist (but also, kinda cool). The Cool Bullet? That doesn't sound scary enough. Maxi-Biceps? Felicity wants to laugh out loud.

God she really needs to sleep.

"Yeah man, I don't wear a mask," Diggle grunts.

Oliver throws him a menacing look that leaves Diggle unimpressed but goes back to fight with his ex. That, is entertaining and a nice change from the grunting Felicity has grown accustomed to where they're concerned.

"Laurel…"

"Look, if it's because I'm not ready just say so! I'll train more. Whatever the reason, I can work with it, I can… I want to help!" she adds.

And there it is, that's the moment: Felicity feels really bad for Laurel. Urgh. She was fine with being jealous of her so far. Now she has to feel bad for the girl?

"Okay," Oliver finally sighs. "Fine, just this once."

And all compassion disappears from Felicity's body. She stares at Oliver, stunned, while Diggle's face closes and he shakes his head. Laurel looks so happy, it seems like she can't believe it. Well. Felicity stays quiet, her shoulders slumping. It was only a matter of time anyway. Might as well get used to it, Laurel is really going to be taking her sister's spot on the team. How long until she gets her motorcycle license and drives alongside Oliver on her very own Ducati?

While everyone is getting ready in silence — even Laurel stays quiet, Felicity thinks she's nervous — she checks her dating account on her cellphone and accepts a date with a certain Gregory. She's run a background check on him, he looks as boring and normal as she dreamed of two years ago.

Great. She can't wait.

No, it's not true, she can totally wait but she can't stay in that annoying misery any longer, really.

By the time everyone goes, Felicity is so exhausted she has to walk around the foun— new lair, to wake herself up, hacks into the surveillance cameras at the harbor to keep an eye on her friends, and tries changing the code in her oldest program. Then when they get to the pier to patrol, Felicity begins to chat to keep herself awake and the stuff that comes out of her mouth quickly turns out to be legendary. Honest to God, she doesn't remember half of the things that she says. It starts with "watch out, there are a few dockers over there" which somehow leads to an analysis of the metaphor of the whale in Pinocchio, and eventually finishes in a firework of words that wonder what kind of animals her teammates are terrified of.

Laurel laughs at every one of her antics, and Felicity is under the impression that it's good for her to have another girl in her ear. She can't help but think that Laurel must feel so much better about herself when she sees and hears Felicity but oddly enough she manages to keep that thought to herself.

After half an hour, Diggle tries to hint that they need to cut the patrol short because Felicity's too tired, and Oliver stays surprisingly quiet, keeping Laurel behind him to protect her.

Turns out he's right to do so because not two minutes later, they witness shady men lurking around a massive yacht.

"I need you to stay here," Oliver orders, already stepping towards the danger (because he's a hero and apparently he doesn't trust Laurel that much, so really why bring her along in the first place?).

"Why?" Laurel whispers, surprised.

Felicity can't help the flashback — or the next words that stumble out of her mouth — and giggles awkwardly.

"Ha! Careful Laurel, in two seconds he'll tell you he loves you."

Her sentence is met with the heaviest silence ever. Like that one time when she called her teacher 'mom' in the fourth grade and there was a fleeting eerie silence right before everyone burst out laughing — except this time it's a thousand times worse, and absolutely no one is laughing.

"What?" Laurel says, clearly confused.

"What, we can't laugh about it?" Felicity grumbles. "It's been a month and a half already! We can laugh about it, it's no big deal."

She knows she'd rather laugh about it. Because it will rewrite the memory, and she'll stop focusing on the way he looked at her that night, at how he held her hand and pressed it tenderly right before he slipped the syringe in her palm, asking her if she understood.

Only to leave her to be abducted by a total psycho with a needle as her only means of defense. Really. A needle. Talk about worst-case scenario. Maybe she should consider herself lucky. It could have been worse, really, when she thinks about it — it could have ended up being a situation where she had to eat her limbs off like that James Franco movie. Mmh. Having to stab someone with a needle while feeling a blade on her neck comes really close though. Seriously Oliver. A needle.

If she concentrates on the needle (which she'd known was the only way to get rid of Slade from the get go) she can forget about the three stupid words that came out of nowhere.

"Can we focus please?" Oliver asks with a strained voice.

"Yeah, focus," she repeats.

Diggle stays quiet, and when all is said and done, she's shouldn't be surprised when he's the first one to get to the new lair and stomps towards her, forcing her to look him in the eyes by grabbing her chin, and studying her face.

"I liked it better when we did team hugs," she mumbles.

"How long have you slept this week?" Diggle demands.

Felicity blushes and avoids his stare but he drops her chin to hold her arm, preventing her from turning away from him and go back to her computer.

"Felicity, how long?"

"I don't know," she lies.

He doesn't even have to say anything. One look, and she understands that he's seething.

"You've lost weight. He's going to catch up sooner or later. If you don't want to talk about it with him, I strongly suggest that you answer."

"Five hours?" she finally relents.

Diggle sighs desperately and wipes a worried hand over his face.

"Look, I'm fine," Felicity says soothingly. "It was just a joke! If anyone can joke about what he said that night, it's me okay?"

"You never told me he said he loved you," Diggle grounds out.

Oops? Felicity slumps on her chair, sighing too. Well. It's not like it is a secret or anything. There was a recording of the whole thing for god's sakes. If she was really crazy, she would have kept Slade's tablet and watched that scene display on a loop. Maybe she should feel comfort in the knowledge that she could be more pathetic than she feels now.

She scoffs, too exhausted to care.

"Well, you know, there is some humiliating stuff that I actually like to keep to myself. Usually."

But Diggle is pacing in front of her, like he can't wait for Oliver to show and she grows worried.

"That wasn't part of the plan, though."

Felicity rolls her eyes.

"It's not like we took the time to rehearse or anything. I'm fine, Digg, don't tear him a new one. I joked about it! It was an actual joke! And I'm dating! Actually, no, not right now, but I'm going on a date! See? No need to freak. Please, leave that whole thing alone. I swear I'll stop being so weird."

Diggle looks at her, debating her arguments in his head, and finally walks towards the medical cupboard to retrieve a vial and a syringe. Felicity flinches upon seeing this. Please no needles. She has really had it with the needle-theme that's been running in her life lately.

"You need to sleep. Now I understand the nightmares and the anguish but enough is enough. Come on. I'll drive you home, and then you're taking some of that."

Felicity gulps, because there is absolutely no room for debate in his tone. She gathers her coat and her purse and stands awkwardly in front of him.

"Is there any chance this might be efficient if I just drink it? And we don't involve any syringe of any kind in that sleep-situation?"

Diggle actually smiles, wraps his arm around her shoulders and drops a kiss at the top of her head. She finds herself furrowing her head in his chest and exhaling. Diggle is wonderful. It feels perfect to have a relationship that is completely clear and drama-free.

"We'll figure a harmless way to get you to sleep. And you're taking three days off to rest. I mean it."

She knows there's no arguing this time. Felicity smiles sleepily.

"You're going to make such a great dad!" she grins. "Just… leave Oliver alone, okay? He did what he had to do."

Diggle's jaw is clenched so hard that she barely hears his next words.

"No, he didn't."

They stay silent on the drive home, but Diggle has warned Oliver that he'd find the new lair empty upon his return. When they get to her place, Felicity is so exhausted that she barely feels the pinch of the needle, and she sleeps for twenty hours straight. When she wakes up, Diggle is there keeping vigil and won't hear her protests. She barely has soup before she goes back to a deep slumber of nothing.

And for the first time in six weeks, she doesn't have any nightmares.

She remembers why she doesn't date, and she remembers very quickly. Dating sucks. Her nymphomaniac roommate from MIT told her that to take the pressure off she should only see the date as a free meal. That only made Felicity feel worse about the whole thing. That's why she always goes for coffee. First of all: she loves coffee so no disappointment there. Second of all: she doesn't feel bad for not putting out, kissing or even holding his hand even if he pays lobster in a caviar marinade and four bottles of expensive red wine.

However, dating brings Felicity to her knees. At that point, she'd rather go back to being bait for a serial-killer than to have to spend an entire day knowing that at 5 she'll be waiting for a dude she's never met and have a conversation.

It doesn't even matter if he's insanely hot or just plain ugly, the entire situation makes her so ill at ease that she always goes off in the weirdest rambles that leave the men at a loss. Some find it charming, the others blink a lot and then never call.

In three weeks, she dates Gregory, Alec, Daniel and Colin. They entertain her enough that she doesn't think about weird love declarations or being held hostage. Gregory is an accountant, Alec a sports coach, Daniel an investment analyst, and Colin a bartender, but they all have one thing in common: they're utterly boring.

It's official: Oliver Queen has ruined her for other men.

And, really, it has nothing to do with three words uttered out of nowhere. It has everything to do with him crashing in her tiny car two years ago, all wounded and trusting.

None of them flirt with flimsy lies, none of them have a cute grin that screams "bullshit", none of them spike her interest. Maybe that's because of the background checks. Maybe she needs to stop and let herself be surprised. So what if they end up having killed their own mothers? Even criminals can be cute and interesting.

The truth is, lately, she's driven by jealousy. Laurel is one thing (she tries to stop comparing herself to her because that leads to pints of ice cream and the cashier from Seven Eleven is starting to look at her sadly), but Felicity has calmed down a little since Oliver has refused to let her join in since the harbor-patrol debacle (maybe she needs to bring up the "I love you" more often because it guilts him into doing her bidding). But Diggle is something else entirely.

"I take it it didn't go well with— who was it? Colin?" Diggle asks when he sees her the next morning in the elevator at QC.

"Shut up," she growls. "I resent all of you."

Diggle chuckles, and leans against the railing, amused.

"All of us who? Us men?"

"No. You and your biceps. They're an entire entity. I even named them. Big A and Big B."

Diggle's smirk spreads.

"You need to stop with that. What did I do? How did I mess up your dating plan?"

"You can't understand," she argues petulantly as they reach the executive floor and the doors open. "You have the perfect life."

Diggle's eyebrows fly up his forehead as they walk in the direction of the conference room.

"Do I now?"

"Yes. You have a badass non-boring wife who knows all your secrets and loves you back and she's pregnant. And not boring. Hey, remember when you barged into a secret facility with her and threatened her boss with guns and criminals? How not-boring was that?"

Diggle tilts his head, hesitating between laughing out loud or hugging her in comfort. She could use a hug. But she's too mad and jealous of his life to accept it. So she smiles awkwardly and lets him laugh.

"So Colin was another boring one?"

His eyes are glinting with amusement.

"He likes going to his parents' cabin in the woods and just read for hours. Not on a tablet or a computer — he doesn't believe in ebooks, can you hear this? Who doesn't believe in ebooks? They're the best thing ever!"

John smirks as they penetrate the conference room and she joins Oliver to discuss how they can get QC back with Walter, who brought a friend ready to invest and help Oliver out.

That day is the day Felicity meets Ted Kord.

He's really hot and smart — and doesn't seem boring, she even finds that he also has a "bullshit" grin — but he doesn't really register on her radar that way. Because apparently something's wrong with her.

She totally registers on Ted's radar though.

She doesn't know what comes over her. Mmh. No, actually, she knows. She's angry and jealous of everyone that is not her. Which is ridiculous because she should be over the moon — she's healthy, she's smart, she's doing stuff that makes her happy (hacking on a daily basis is her definition of happiness, so what?).

It's called spiraling (yes, she googled it), and she's spinning out of control. She can tell Diggle and Oliver have both noticed, because she's quieter than ever and even when they try to joke and banter with her they are met with a wall of weirdness that would make even the biggest people person uncomfortable.

And that makes her angry, because Diggle knows why she's spiraling and he tries really hard to support her to no avail, and Oliver must suspect the reason but is also very aware of his hand in the matter. So Oliver keeps his distance out of "respect" or "niceness", and Diggle tries to get her to sleep and eat and go out with friends. Turns out, she doesn't really have any. Because her former friends are exactly like her dates: boring and normal.

So she's angry, and after a few weeks, she finally finds herself alone in the new lair and it feels great. Like "coming out for air after you've been choking to death because it's so crowded all the time" great — Felicity is one for overstatements lately. She almost considers locking herself inside the new lair, resetting the entrance code and feel completely at peace for the first time in weeks (come to think of it, thank goodness she never had a little brother), because that's how much she enjoys her fortress of solitude. Yes. She compares herself to Superman.

She's losing it — and she's started not sleeping again.

Felicity is collecting reports about important news, and finds herself intrigued about the ones that deal with a new drug that is running through the streets of Starling City. This drug is like Vertigo on crack. Which is saying something, even though Felicity has never done Vertigo, nor tried crack. But it looks nuts — people who take that drug apparently feel so ecstatic and out-of-themselves, some of them have heart attacks.

The reports mention a leader they smartly call "The Ghost" (obviously, journalists have less imagination than Felicity because she can't help but imagine the guy creeping up on high people and reenact that famous scene from that movie and then she laughs out loud). Turns out he didn't earn this nickname because of his clay-manipulating skills, but because he manages to go around undetected while always delivering his drugs to specific areas. He has sellers sort of everywhere.

So Felicity anticipates and looks for intel about who the sellers could be and where they sell from — she contacts Sin after she hacks into Roy's cellphone and gets the response in a few hours. She's just doing her duty and anticipating Team Arrow's needs so they can take the operation down as soon as possible.

By the time she gets all the info, it's nighttime and Felicity is surprised that she's still alone. Oliver is at another meeting with Walter and Ted Kord (who has asked her out discreetly the other day and she still can't wrap her mind around that), Laurel is thankfully out doing D.A business, and according to his cellphone Roy is at Verdant, trying to get it back to its former glory.

Felicity misses Verdant.

So when Sin's response blinks on her screen, Felicity finds herself tilting her head. She knows it's a bad idea as soon as it enters her mind. But, like most terrible ideas, once it's in, you can't shake it. Maybe that's what happened to Oliver the night Slade went all Apocalypse Now on Starling. Maybe when she told him to make Slade believe he had the wrong woman, Oliver thought "mmh, maybe he won't believe it, maybe I should make it clearer and say I love you that won't be awkward".

The thing is, in that exact case, she knows it's going to work.

So, okay, granted, it'd be better if she had backup but at the same time, no one is here, it's going to take hours before they pick who is going on the field and it'll end up being her. Might as well win some time. Laurel can't go — she's the D.A, how would that look? Oliver can't go, he's trying to get QC back, what if anyone talks? Diggle went last time and complained about being a person of color picked to get some drugs. Roy… Well, okay, Roy could totally go but he's not here and she needs a project otherwise she'll either fall asleep or go batshit crazy.

She has the intel, so she can go score the drugs discreetly, and (probably) come back before anyone notices. If anyone asks, she'll tell that Sin got her hands on them, or she'll tell the truth and it won't matter anyway.

So she's made her mind. Felicity looks up her teammates' positions (they haven't moved), types the address into her cell, and goes home to change.

She has to infiltrate a lousy club that opened right after Verdant to try and take advantage of the gentrification of the area. Felicity is well aware that it was a failure, and that the patrons that party in that club aren't exactly the rich kids that venture in the Glades to go in Oliver Queen's club.

The good thing about working in Vegas and having a cocktail waitress as a mother, it's that you have experience with all kinds of people. The low-life kind, the desperately-normal kind, the filthy-rich kind and the skanky-kind. Felicity might be super awkward, but she knows where she comes from (the North side of Vegas) and she remembers how the tramps from her neighborhood dressed and behaved when they wanted something.

Felicity can dress up as a tramp like no one else. Wearing too much make up? Check. Emptying the can of cheap and barely efficient hairspray on her head? Check. Putting on a gold short dress and high heels? Check. Who looks cute and adorable now? Not her! Cute and adorable are out the window.

Felicity barely contains a sigh. She looks like her former bitchy high-school classmates when they went to party illegally on the Strip.

Talk about going undercover.

She has barely been sitting in the cab in the direction of the seedy club Sin mentioned when her cellphone rings — it's Diggle. She debates whether to answer, because he'll hear the angst in her voice — her hands are already shaking — but in the end, she can't let him worry about her. She can't lie to him. She can't go out to face danger and not tell him why.

"Hey, where are you?" Diggle asks immediately.

Oh goodness, he's already at the new lair.

"I'm following intel, it shouldn't take long," she says breezily, like it's no big deal.

There's the shortest pause.

"What kind of intel? Please tell me it's not about what's on your desktop."

He's mad, she can tell. Pissing Oliver off, she can get over. Disappointing Diggle? That makes her feel bad. But she's too far gone now, she… she needs to do this. She needs to be in charge of something or else she'll go nuts.

"I'm already there, it won't take long and I'll be right back I swear."

"Felicity, please don't," and, honest to god, there's fear in John's voice, "this is not safe and you don't have back up."

"Sure I do! I took a comm, I'm not totally crazy! You can hook yourself up and monitor everything from where you are."

She hears Diggle type on the keyboard quickly and mutter something under his breath.

"You're moving," Diggle grunts out. "You're not there."

Felicity rolls her eyes.

"I'm almost there!"

"Oliver's going to freak when he sees this, you know that, right?"

That lights up a flame of hurt and anger that all mix together in Felicity chest and stomach, as her fist clenches around the phone.

"Well if he does," she says through gritted teeth, "tell him he trusted me enough to hand me over to his arch-nemesis so he should trust me enough to be able to buy stuff we need in order to take down another psycho."

She can't say anything else, her throat is too tight. So she hangs up before John can get another word out. And she doesn't turn the comm on.

[NEXT: Part Two - Oliver's POV]

Author's Note: so here's the thing. That story was initially written with Felicity not knowing about the plan (which had Felicity even angrier and more hurt and frankly going even crazier) because that's what 80 percent of the fandom seems to think and I clearly have no personality. But when I wrote Oliver's POV it honestly made no sense to me that she didn't know (mainly, it doesn't sit right with me that Felicity would argue to Oliver that she simply wants to stay with him, and not go with her usual 'my life my choice' motto). The biggest argument that people make to justify that Felicity didn't know is the fact that Oliver would have given her the cure beforehand, but to me it's an editing choice from the producers: to help people understand that the declaration was staged, they had to show us the whole thing at the same place, otherwise it would have been too long and confusing. I do think Felicity looked that shocked because they got lost in the moment (clearly, Oliver did). Also, you'll see next chapter that I have a very good explanation for Oliver not handing the cure before that goes beyond that (that's the beauty of fanfiction, isn't it?).

Anyway, thank you for reading! I'm very, very interested in your thoughts (and, full disclosure: kinda nervous too) so feel free to share them!