notes: i honestly can't believe this is a thing i wrote, but i'm so fucking gone for these two, oh my fucking god. there is a disheartening lack of fic for these two here (there are a few fabulous ones over on ao3, however) so i decided it is my duty to contribute.

if we're gonna do anything we might as well just fuck

"look, i'm sorry i called you rainman. i know i didn't say you were, but you're smart. you're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful, and you're sincere, and...and you're sweet and you're loyal. and i fucking cherish you." — morton schmidt, 21 jump street

i.

There are probably, maybe some perks to being in love with your best friend, but Schmidt has yet to figure out what those perks are.

It mostly just sucks, though, being in love with Jenko, because being in love with Jenko is, in all honesty, one of the worst things you can be.

ii.

Schmidt does not like men. He really, really doesn't. He likes women — ass and tits and legs that go for miles, but he also likes Jenko. That isn't so weird, right? Frankly, Schmidt thinks it would be strange for somebody not to be attracted to Jenko.

(What? It's not like he can help but noticing his best friend's godly physique and really. They live together, for christ's sake. He's not gay. Not gay. Not.)

iii.

"Hey, Jenko," he whispers across the room one night. Somewhere above the hum of the AC, he can hear the Yangs across the hall playing some fucking video game and making a racket. He really is getting too old for this shit.

Jenko groans and stirs. "Yeah, man?"

"Do you think like, hypothetically, if we were to have sex right now, the Yangs would hear us? Hypothetically." He winces, wondering if he should just kill himself now if his entire life he's going to have this habit of blurting out the first thing he thinks of.

"Are you implying that you want to fuck?" Even in the dark, Schmidt can tell he's got a shit-eating grin on his face. He kind of hates him.

"No! No, you asshole. I said hypothetically. It could easily be replaced with 'do you think the Yangs would hear if we were to start wrestling, or if a fucking octopus was inking in my mouth again.' For the love of Vietnamese Jesus, stop fucking overthinking things."

He thinks he hears Jenko say something else, but he just rolls over, mortified, pulls his blanket over his head and goes to sleep.

iv.

Jenko won't take his nose out of his stupid fucking Human Sexuality textbook and if they weren't undercover Schmidt would shoot the goddamned thing right out of his hands. It's infuriating, really, sharing a room with someone who spent all four years of high school throwing gay slurs at him to suddenly calling people out for using the word faggot.

He's gonna punch him in the face. Or dick. One or the other.

Maybe both.

v.

Dickson is mad. Like, really, really fucking mad, and even though he's gotten shot at more times during this job than he can count Schmidt has never been more afraid for his life.

It's not his fault, really. It's incredible that Dickson didn't mention that his (incredibly hot) daughter went to MC State. And to reiterate, Maya is hot as fuck and really smart and nice and she's female and very much Not Jenko — who is, Schmidt thinks bitterly, probably too busy sucking Zook's dick to congratulate him on getting laid — so it's all good. Or he thought it was. Until, of course, Maya turned out to be the captain's fucking daughter.

He wonders if anyone would blame him for praying his heart out to Vietnamese Jesus.

vi.

Schmidt is not, by any means, an angsty person. Maybe in high school he was, with that godawful Slim Shady-era Eminem hair and the nasty habit of choking on his words — no he does not still have that fucking habit, thank you very much. But now he's been through high school twice and he's in college now and quite frankly he thinks most college students have better things to do than just lie around and angst all day.

But he's gonna, because he's thirty and pretending to be a college student and it feels like it's a little too late to be having a sexuality crisis.

But this is Jenko — his best friend, his pretend brother, his partner (which does, in all honesty, sound a little bit gay.) Practically his real brother.

It's time to consult Jenko's Human Sexuality textbook.

vii.

Waking up to Jenko groping him through the comforter is a pleasant surprise, to say the least. And then less pleasant, because seriously, what the fuck?

"Dude, you're fucking drunk. Get the fuck off me." He promptly shoves an inebriated Jenko off the bed without even feeing bad about it.

Okay, so he feels a little bad. Fuck you, conscience.

viii.

Its not the whole being physically attracted to Jenko thing that freaks him out because really, everybody is physically attracted to Jenko whether they'll admit it or not. Fuck, even Dickson is probably even attracted to Jenko.

No, the thing that freaks him out is the whole becoming emotionally attached. He's just not sure if he should be this prepared to make this kind of commitment to a guy who made high school the most miserable experience of his life, and frankly, he's not sure Jenko is, either. Also, he's not gay. There's that, too.

xi.

It starts with him being possessive and snarky and ends with him attempting to drop kick somebody for playfully mocking Jenko's intelligence — the only one allowed to do that is Schmidt.

Besides, Jenko isn't even that stupid. He isn't book smart, not by a long shot, but he's street smart, and besides, since when was somebody's worth measured in intelligence, anyway? By that logic, Schmidt should have had at least ten girlfriends by now.

He's not overprotective, except maybe he is. Just a little. Jenko just laughs affectionately as Schmidt sits on the ground after his failed drop kick, clutching his elbow.

x.

Three nights after he has sex with Maya, he googles 'what do you do when all you want to do is fuck your best friend gay' but that search mostly just turns up a lot of porn.

He sighs, defeated. Even the gods of Google know he shouldn't be feeling like this.

xi.

Sometimes, he looks over at Jenko and winces because he's going to have that fucking scar (well...scars, now) from where he took a bullet for Schmidt for the rest of his life and that's a debt Schmidt will never be able to repay, because he fucking sucks at taking bullets for other people.

Jenko will always have his back, always be there to protect him, and Schmidt just wishes he could return the favor.

xii.

They get a dog together. As friends. Her name is Lizzie (Jenko wanted to name her Lambo, but Schmidt shut down that idea pretty fast.) They keep her for alternating weeks. They're both hopelessly in love with her.

finally, Jenko says, "we should just move in together." And, well. It's not like that would be anything new anyway. They lived together all throughout the HFS and WHYPHY cases, and all through police academy, and even nowadays they tend to crash at each other's houses anyway. So, in his moment of weakness, Schmidt says, "Dude, gay. Let's do it."

So, uh. That's that, then.

xiii.

Moving in together proves to be easier said than done. The thing is, Schmidt and Jenko aren't like the Yangs; they're the two most different people in the universe. Jenko likes to watch stand-up comedy, but Schmidt would rather watch Friends all day. Jenko likes mint ice cream (who in their fucking right mind likes mint ice cream?) while Schmidt prefers a Cherry Garcia because he's not a fucking idiot. Jenko makes too much noise making fucking protein smoothies for breakfast; why can't he just eat cereal like a goddamned normal person?

They get a bunk bed, because why the fuck not? Jenko calls the top bunk as soon as the idea is even mentioned, so.

And if they end up sharing one of the beds instead because Jenko is "too tired" to climb into his bunk (bullshit — the guy is like fucking Spider-Man and could get up there in a second if he really wanted to), then so be it.

xiv.

Schmidt never considered the fact that Jenko would be a cuddler, but looking back on it he isn't sure why. The guy is like a giant teddy bear, for fuck's sake.

So since they live together now and all, they frequently engage in Platonic BFF Cuddling, because even though Schmidt isn't too keen on cuddling anyway, he'll take what he can get.

xv.

Schmidt googles 'help me I want to make out with my best friend' but the search returns hundreds and hundreds of people in the same boat with no real answers or help.

xvi.

Next time, he searches 'help me i made out with my best friend.'

xvii.

Nothing changes. Not really. Sure, there's lots more fucking involved in whatever the fuck this relationship has turned into but there's the same amount of joking and bantering and goofing off and straight up fighting as always.

It's comforting, but only a little.

xviii.

"I tried to take a bullet for you, man."

"Yeah, but you didn't."

It just means he'll try even harder next time. He will take a bullet for Jenko.

xix.

Dr. Murphy, who is really fucking strange but also pretty smart, tells them about embedding. Somehow, Schmidt isn't surprised when Jenko assumes he meant they'd embedded on each other instead of anything having to do with the Cynthia Watson case. Schmidt thinks it's complete bullshit, though.

Somehow, though, Jenko has managed to worm his way into every aspect of Schmidt's life to the point where he feels physically and emotionally lost without his best friend by his side.

xx.

"Cate Blanchett", "best nightmare", "wifi/WHYPHY."

Jenko is the most hopelessly confused person Schmidt has ever met, and it's annoying as fuck but also kind of adorable.

Maybe it's why they're so good together. They're like Batman and Robin.

(And fuck Zook, because every Batman needs his own Robin. There can't be two fucking Batmans. That doesn't even make any fucking sense. Fuck. Idiot.)

xxi.

SCHMIDT'S LIST OF PERKS OF BEING IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND:

- awesome sex

- shit gets weird but then after a while gets mostly not weird again

- you already know everything about them which means you can embarass or blackmail them on a whim (regrettably, they can do the same to you — STEAL BACK AND DESTROY DEFACED WONDER YEARS CHILDHOOD PHOTO)

- awesome sex

He's still figuring things out, but for now, it's enough.

the fact that there isn't more fic for these two is honestly tragic. i made sure i had 21 roman numerals in this because i'm a cheesy piece of shit.