Title: Oh Clams
Rated: K+
Summary: In which Tsuna snapped, and made a game to whoever "won" the game would have to sign his paperwork for a whole year.
Genre: Humor/Crack
Warn: TYL timeline, ooc, absurd, weird, not beta'd.
Disc: I don't own KHR.
A/N: Sorry for the wait—was in lazy-mode nowadays—but I'm trying to write and update the other stories, though don't get your hopes up for fast updates—this chapter was written months ago, only finished today, so yeah… And "Oh Clams" can be taken as "Oh God," "Oh Dear," "Oh Fuck," "Oh Shit," and the likes—just think of it as my personal profanity filter. :D Anyway, thanks for the reviews, favorites, and follows everyone! :D
Tsunayoshi Sawada was known in many (and many) names in his (very short) twenty-four years of living; like the good old "Dame-Tsuna" to his peers back in his middle school and high school years (and also his tutor, as it was his favorite nickname for the young man up until now), or the usual "Tsuna" to his close-like-family friends (with the exception of the pushy "Tenth" from his right-hand-man-cum-best-friend), or the affectionate "Tsu-kun" to his mother and (ahem) recently-married wife, or even the recently known "Decimo" to the Vongola and the mafia in general; so it wouldn't surprise him if he had more (unofficial, if the first mentioned five was official) names made by the people around him.
Like for instance the feared "Demonic Saint of the Sky" one made by his Family ever since the brunet man had taken over the Vongola two years ago, but fortunately said nickname was unknown to the man; since the nickname was only known to the Family and mafia (sans the Vongola boss himself).
No one knew for sure when he got it, but they did remembered why.
It was when the man been tired (as in really, really tired like Hell) from signing the paperwork his Family (mostly his Guardians) had made from either their missions or daily spars (wars, to be precise) and snapped (which was an understatement, really) for the first time—then the rest was history.
Like now for lack of visualization.
The day for Tsuna had started with waking up from his slumber beside his beloved wife, taking a short shower and getting dressed with his usual suit attire, eating breakfast with said beloved wife together while drinking a cup of steaming hot Long Black, then greeted by the butlers and maids on the way to his study room, and then (again) greeted by an office full of stacked papers in said study room as usual—typical morning for the young man you could say.
Internally sighing a little, Tsuna stepped inside his office with ease; already used to seeing the pitiful sight of paperwork after a couple of (read: many) tries to escape said thing on his first year as the boss—and knew that it was inevitable.
(And yes, he knew he was pitiful, alright?)
(Though, perhaps the only good thing after what everything had happened was being able to marry Kyoko Sasagawa (now Kyoko Sawada) last year—that had made him flew (as in literally flew in his Hyper Dying Will Mode) to cloud nine.)
After safely got through the seas of papers and sat on his chair, Tsuna put the coffee mug (the one with the "#1 TENTH" logo from Hayato as a housewarming-gift two years ago) and began to do his work; as in, signing paperwork while reading it thoroughly and arranging missions for his Guardians.
Whilst sighing again (and also cursing the bane of his existence as the boss), Tsuna skimmed through the first pile of the paperwork as a loud "KA-BOOM" was heard from the the other side of the Vongola Mansion; making the man pause for a moment and then pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance.
"And it's still six in the morning…"
Shaking his head, he continued doing his work whilst trying (very, very hard) to ignore the loud shouts and (undoubtedly horrified) screams outside his office.
At first Tsuna paid no heed at the chaos happening outside, but after twenty minutes and said chaos still hadn't stopped, the fancy custom-made fountain pen cracked in his hand as the door suddenly opened; revealing two (toasted) Vongola Guardians.
"TEEEEEENTH/TSUUUUNAAAAA-NIIIIIIIII—!"
"—what's broken this time?"
And then there was silence.
(Reflexively, the two guardians instantly hid their respective weapons back to where they came from.)
"W–what m–makes y–you t–think t–that, T–Tsuna-nii?" Lambo asked, visibly shaking with hands behind his back, while Hayato did the same as the younger teen.
Tsuna sighed, "your appearance right now already confirmed what I feared, Lambo, Hayato." he pointed out as the two stiffened.
Another sigh. "Alright, what happened?"
"It's Gokudera-shi/Lambo's fault in the first place, Tsuna-nii/Tenth!"
"…mind to elaborate that?"
"Goku—umph!" Tsuna looked at them, amused at Hayato's comical way to clamp Lambo's mouth when said teen was trying to yank his firm hands from his mouth. "—it's the idiot cow who started it, Tenth!" as the silver-haired man yelped and let go of Lambo when he bit (by reflex, as the raven-haired teen stubbornly stated) his hand.
(It was a bit understandable since the kids-now-teens were trained to bit (as absurd it may seemed) when their mouths were held by the hand or something, due to Tsuna's fear for abduction for ransom, by Reborn since the first years of the brunet-man being the Vongola Decimo.)
"I'm not a stupid cow, octopus-head!" Lambo growled, "see Tsuna-nii—he's the one who started it!"
"Am not!" Hayato snapped back, now looking seriously at Tsuna. "Tenth, I swear upon Haru's secret stash of her monthly self-appreciation cakes, it was Lambo's fault."
"I keep telling you—it's his fault Tsuna-nii! He's the one who made Hibari and Mukuro started an all-out war!" Lambo yelled out before stopping to realize what he just said, slapped his mouth shut, and started to sweat again with Hayato. I'M SO DEAD!
"I knew it…" with another exasperated sigh, the brown-haired man leaned back to his seat. "So, what really happened?" and repeated his question again whilst looking at them straight in the eyes.
"…"
"…"
"I'm waiting."
Well, the cat's out of the bag now… Hayato sighed.
"…so…uh…"
"Yes?"
Sharing a brief glance at each other, both Guardians internally battled which one of them should tell him the news. They silently argued with each other (via their not-so subtle glares) as Tsuna cleared his throat. Definitely still waiting for their answer.
Glaring at Lambo once more, Hayato fidgeted and sweated.
"Uh…I sorta…accidentally…" Fumbling with his words as his boss raised his eyebrow at him.
"'Accidentally'?"
"IaccidentallytoldmyinsultwithinHibari'shearingrangeforbeingsuchabadboyfriendtoChromeandsheshouldhavebeenwithMukuro—whichhetakesitasanoffencereallyreallybadly—thenMukuroappearedand startsteasinghimandsayshealsothinksthesameasme—whichtickedHibariandstartedthewholemassacreoutsideafterLambogothitaccidetallybyhistonfa—whichwasactuallyaimedforMukuro—andaccidentallythrewthecakehewasholdingtowardHibaristraightinthefacethenMukurolaughsweirdlyresultingsaidmassacre—AND I'M SORRY TENTH I FAILED YOU AS YOUR RIGHT-HAND MAN!" Then instantly bowed on the floor in a dogeza pose.
Tsuna was speechless. "…so you're telling me the…thing…out there is happening right now is because Kyouya is being the jealous and possessive boyfriend he is?"
"Yes…?" Lambo (somewhat) confirmed, as the young boss slapped his forehead and groaned.
Tsuna got up and walked out from his office, followed closely by the two Italians whilst muttering; "damn you and your posselousy Kyouya." while also inventing a new word from combining "possessive" and "jealousy".
Both dynamite and hand-grenade thrower duo discreetly looked at each other again.
("Well, at least he didn't punish us…right?"
"Just shut up Lambo.")
After series of "stopping Kyouya from maiming Mukuro—aka not producing more paperwork for Tsuna" methods (mostly from Chrome (bless her heart)), Tsuna (suit kind of burned a bit here and there) tiredly massaged his temples whilst his Guardians silently seated on the sofa in his office. (Kyouya was seating far, far, away from his fellow Guardians (especially Mukuro—that treacherous pineapple, the raven-haired man glowered), yet still near Chrome (who sat next to Lambo, much to his whimpers and Kyouya's glares).)
The young mafia boss sighed.
"You know, as much as I love you guys—you all are going to be the death of me." At this, Mukuro chuckled.
"I'll take that as a compliment, Tsunayoshi-kun." As the rest gave him raised eyebrows. "What? You think I'm still not hell-bent on possessing him or something anymore?"
"Well, after ten years of you still staying—and also taking part—in this Vongola madness, I can't say you're still thinking about it." Hayato replied, earning a few nods from the Guardians.
"Touché."
Tsuna groaned.
"Guys. Almost lunch time—focus!"
"Uh, yes! Sorry Tenth—please continue!" Hayato apologized as the brunet-man sighed again.
"Thank you. Now, what I was trying to say is—"
KA-BOOM
"…"
The room fell silent as the older Guardians instantly shot Lambo a look—which the teen wailed and (failed miserably) curling into a ball.
"IT WASN'T ME—I SWEAR!"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…I'll ask the guards outside, Tenth." The right-hand man offered as he took out his ear transceiver and dialed it to the guards in the mansion.
"Yes, was it an enemy? …I…see…thank you…and I'll send some medical team there in a few minutes…" With a click, Hayato finished talking to one of the guards and sighed.
"…it's the Varia, Tenth."
"…"
"…and Reborn-san."
"…"
"…and also surprisingly the Bucking Horse too."
"…"
"…uh, this happened because of Fran's blunt statements toward Bel—again."
"…"
"…and the Horse tried to soothe them, but ended up tripping toward Bel (how the Hell Romario wasn't with him is a mystery) then Reborn-san appeared and started to laugh at their…very suggestive…position."
"…"
"…which only aggravate the maniac even further."
"…"
"…and leads to…that…"
"…" Again, Tsuna was speechless and lowered his head down whilst the silver-haired man subtly gestured his fellow Guardians to make a hasty escape if the inevitable happened. Only it (thankfully) didn't happen when Tsuna lifted his head again and gave them a small (yet somewhat terrifying) smile.
"Okay then, you may all leave—by the way, please tell the Varia, Dino-san, and Reborn to come to my office tomorrow at ten, Hayato." He said; the (creepy) smile still present. "And if you can, I also want you all to come too."
They all mechanically nodded and left the room.
(The rest hoped they wouldn't see Tsuna's sadistic antics again for a very, very long time—but clearly their prayers weren't answered this time.)
After his Guardians were out of earshot, Tsuna pulled out his phone and began to dial a number. "Yes, hello? This is Vongola Decimo…yes I would like to ask for your assistance for something…great! I'll explain the details in a few hours, thank you!"
Done talking, the brunet-man put his phone down and began to cackle.
"I'm certainly going to enjoy this."
(The majority of the mafia suddenly shuddered, but later dismissed it as their daily dose of death threats from their enemies—yet unfortunately still didn't know what the cause of it.)
(Well, until they knew the reason why much, much, later from Tsuna later.)
Morning came by too quickly for the summoned men's (and women's) taste, as they got ready to go to the young mafia boss' office—"probably gonna get reprimand by the brat again." Xanxus rolled his eyes—yet they couldn't shook off the feeling of dread when they arrived in front of the brunet-man's office.
"So, uh," Dino started, somewhat mentally fidgeting inside, "who's gonna open it?
"Uh, you?" Lambo replied, "you are the closest one to the door, Horse."
"No—Reborn is the closest one to the do—GAH!" The blond-haired boss pointed out when he got a kick to the head as a reply from the twelve year-old hit-man.
"I'm not going to open it—you open it Dino."
"But Tsuna'll probably kill me for yesterday."
"I'm sure he wouldn't mind—after all you're the least person to cause such an explosion."
"…I'm not buying it, Reborn."
"Well, it was a good try—now open it."
Hayato, feeling more and more antsier by the minute, stepped to the front of the door, knocked, and voiced the permission to enter before opening the door. "Tenth, we're here as per your request yesterday."
Tsuna looked up from his stacks of paperwork (Hayato tried not to flinch at the sight) and smiled when he noticed it was them. He got up from his seat and told them to sit on the couches as he stood in front of them, the (creepy and weird) smile still present on his face. While the others shared nervous glances (except for a few individuals), Tsuna gently stroked the wooden-carved table. One might have thought he was caressing it, but inside his mental area, he was actually snickering evilly for the next scene to unfold for a whole ten minutes.
(It would be kind of unnerving to them if they found out the reason why he was cackling like that…)
The young Vongola boss cleared his throat as the rest gave their full attention to him. He, then, started with another (yet still creepy) small smile.
"Good morning everyone, I hope you all had a good breakfast and morning today." Somehow, rather than delight, they felt anxiety toward him.
"Uh, you could say that Tsuna…"
Either Takeshi got ignored by Tsuna or something, the brunet-man continued.
"Since you've all come today, I'd like to make an announcement—"
"That you got another woman laid, thrash?" Xanxus smirked as Tsuna merely gave him a leveled look and continued his speech.
"—no; and as I was saying, I'd like to make an announcement that I've made a game where anyone in the Vongola and our allied Families can join, even the ex-Arcobaleno, which means you too, Reborn, Xanxus." Said ex-Arcobaleno smirked.
"And if I say no?"
"I think Yuni-chan'll be sad if her uncle didn't want to participate in it."
"…you wouldn't dare, Dame-Tsuna." As Tsuna let out a smug smile.
"Yes I would—also, if you don't participate in the game Xanxus, I'll cut off the wine budget in the Varia to either half or a quarter."
Xanxus glowered. "Don't you dare, trash."
"I already did, now shush." He continued, "well anyway, the official announcement and all the other technical stuff will be given tomorrow in front of everyone—this is only a small briefing for you all. Any questions?" Ryohei raised his hand and Tsuna nodded.
"Is this gonna be like the other extreme 'Vongola-style' games?" the others (minus Reborn) groaned (either outwardly or mentally) at the thought if it was a "Vongola-style" game.
(Oh the horror…)
Though thankfully, Tsuna shook his head. "Not quite, anymore questions?" This time it was Mammon.
"Will this involve money?"
"Nope, but depends on whose point of view—anyone else?"
"Who's gonna be the judges, Tsuna?" Takeshi asked while Tsuna fold his arms.
"Up 'til now, only me and the Celvello." Whilst Hayato gaped at the name.
"B–b–but Tenth! We can't trust those women—they might try doing something like an ambush on you or something!" as Tsuna frowned at his right-hand man's statement.
"Hayato, I know they won't do something like that this time around—or else my Hyper Intuition would ringing warning bells right now—and besides, suspicious or not, they're still an ally to the Vongola; and everyone needs a second chance right?" the silver-haired man could only slumped his shoulder down in defeat when his boss had said the latter part.
"Yes Tenth…"
Then Tsuna held his chin with his finger. "Well there's that—and I need all the help I can get from a neutral party to judge since this is a large-scaled game." While Dino raised a brow. "Then why don't you let us be the judges? We're pretty neutral, right?"
(If they looked at him straight in the eyes, they would probably see his face was torn into either laughing or crying at the same time—thank God they didn't.)
"Yeah sure…"
"…"
("…signs of sadistic-boredom tendencies are showing from him—this is bad."
"Stop saying out loud idiot—you're going to make him know that!")
"…anyway, have a nice day everyone—and do please get out of here in the nicest and civilized way, or else things will get more…complicated." Cue the (not-so) innocent smile on Tsuna's face and flowery background behind him.
"…"
("…yep, totally in the sadistic-Reborn mood—by the way, the 'Demonic Saint of the Sky' title totally fits him right now—who invented it in the first place anyway?"
"Just. Shut. Up. Idiot.")
END
A/N: The real game'll probably start in the next chapter—and no promises for fast updates. By the way "Celvello" and "Cavallone" is the correctly typed one in the anime—and "Long Black" is a strong type of blended coffee…or that's what's written in a pamphlet I got from McCafé… Anyway, reviews would be nice, thank you! :D
P.S.: Anyone wants to (willingly of course) beta my (absurd and weird) stories? So I can hope it'll lessen my typos and grammar mistakes (also needs input to make the stories more, more, sense)—if you do want to, just PM me or whatever—I'll be waiting! :D
Guest (who didn't leave a name): Yes, it's totally the paperwork's fault. xD And unfortunately no, Enma's on the "dark" side of the game—which being the one who's gonna be the most insulted one by his family—sorry, plot-spoiler. xD Anyway, thanks for the review. :D
happytth: Thank you for saying so and the review—also here's the update! :D
krazydomino: Yeah he finally did—and he's gonna abuse the power to make everyone feel his demise. Lol. xD Anyways, many thanks for the review! :D
Psycho Noctural: Thanks for the compliment and I like writing cracks (which usually (direct or indirectly) involves Tsuna. Lol.)! Since somehow my main strength is that… anyway, also thanks for the review! :D
Rupad: Thanks for the compliment and review! And here you go, your update! :D
[Jakarta, 31.12.2014] Edited and added a bit to make it (somewhat) more sense.