He was walking in haze. He barely registered Munch and Fin coming, but he did saw Olivia coming off the elevator.
„Hey, El, you okay?" she asked.
He just walked by her to the elevator and then outside this building. He is Malcolm, he was in a marriage out of habit and he chose the "other woman", not that he'd call her that. Right now he needed air.
Elliot placed his hands on his knees and he took deep breaths. He needed to calm down. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. One more time.
***SVU***
Olivia looked at Munch and Fin with concern.
"Maybe he finally has gone mental and instead of catching perps he goes straight to killing them," Munch offered.
"Thanks, John," Olivia said and hit his shoulder as she rushed past them to her desk.
She dropped the casefiles she was carrying on her table along with her cup of coffee. Olivia slipped her coat off her shoulders and hanged it. She was about to go over to her partner's desk to figure out what happened before she caught Cragen's eyes. He moved to his office, leaving the door open for Olivia, who was there in seconds.
"What the hell happened?" Olivia asked.
"Case got to him. Malcolm killed his family and his lover," Cragen explained.
"God, no wonder he didn't come home last night," Olivia said out loud.
"He can't work today, I'm considering giving him some leave time and probably sitting down with Huang," Cragen warned Olivia.
"He'll hate that," Olivia said seriously.
"I have no choice, Olivia. He was out of control at the interrogation, I can't have that happening again," Cragen continued.
"I know," Olivia agreed even though she knew she'd suffer from it.
"Go, make sure he is okay and then get back to work," Cragen ordered.
Olivia nod before leaving Cragen's office. She went to her desk, turned on her computer screen and finished her previously abandoned coffee while reading her emails.
"Shouldn't you be saving NYC from your boyfriend?" Munch asked after Olivia settled down at her desk and stayed seemingly calm.
"Shouldn't you be working?" Olivia snapped.
"Take it easy Liv. Munch has never been much of a morning person," Fin tried to ease the atmosphere.
Olivia made a face and stood up. She had every intention of finding Elliot, but he needs time to cool off.
She stood up, glared at John one last time and then turned around to look for Elliot. Before she could get further from her desk she collided with someone.
"El," she gasped after realizing it was him.
"I need you Liv," he said hoarsely.
Before Olivia could respond he tilted her head and met her lips in a raw kiss. Olivia did not take initiative on this kiss nor was she particularly happy about their PDA moment, but she sensed that at this moment her boyfriend needs this. So she gave in to his needs and wrapped one hand around his neck, while the other stayed carefully on his chest.
"After last night I just had to see my kids. Had to make sure they were still breathing. I know I should have come to you after, but I just couldn't, I had to break that son of a bitch," Elliot mumbled to her ear.
"It's okay baby," Olivia said softly.
"I need you, honey. I need to know that I won't lose you. I need to know that if I don't have this job anymore, I'll still have you," He kept on rambling.
"I love you," Olivia whispered to him. She pressed a quick kiss to his jaw and let her head rest on his shoulder.
"Love you too," Elliot said, holding onto her as if she was the only thing keeping him alive, but at this moment she nearly as well was.
"Munch, Fin, we got a possible crime scene at Central Park, go see if it's our case," Cragen called from the doorway of his office.
"Benson, Warner wants to see you," he continued.
Olivia took her head from Elliot's shoulder and looked at her boss. Cragen looked at the scene in front of him – Elliot clinging to Olivia and Olivia's eyes begging him to let her help Elliot.
"Stabler go home. You're on leave until Monday and go see Huang before returning," Cragen ordered.
"Captain, I'll handle this," Olivia said and Cragen nod vaguely before disappearing in his office again.
Olivia ran her hands up and down on Elliot's sides.
"El, let me drive you home," Olivia almost begged.
Elliot just shook his head, still not releasing her.
"You need sleep and I need to work. I'll see you tonight, okay?" Olivia tried again.
"Can't sleep. Liv, I need you," Elliot said weakly.
"El, I'll come with you," Olivia decided and moved, so Elliot had to loosen his grip on her.
Elliot nod at his girlfriend in a sign of agreeing and let her go. Olivia grabbed her coat and met Elliot by the elevators.
Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her body close again. It's not that Olivia wasn't happy about the affection he was showing, but rules were clear. Cragen was willing to bend them, but one of the conditions was that they'll keep their private life away from work and they had, except today.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Olivia asked as they got into her car.
Elliot shook his head and kept on looking outside. He watched as people rushed to the work, some went for a run or were walking a dog. The city was waking, even though it's only little past 6 am. He looked at the people who will never know about the horrible things he had seen, they won't know about Malcolm and how he killed his wife, lover and kids… And just for a moment Elliot saw himself as Malcolm. He had wonderful kids with Kathy and he found a new woman, the difference is that Olivia is not the "other woman" she is "the woman". At some moments of course his marriage was hard because he felt dead inside and Olivia made him feel alive again, like she had for over 8 years. How close was he to ruining everything just hours ago? If he had taken up on Kathy's offer and stayed… He'd be as bad as Malcolm.
"Elliot!" Olivia almost shouted, bringing him out of his trance.
"What?" he asked.
"Where will I take you? Your place? My apartment?" Olivia asked. "To Kathy and kids?" she added quietly.
"Your place," Elliot decided without second guessing.
Olivia nod and took a familiar route back to her home. She parked down the street and got out with Elliot. She walked upstairs with him, opened the door and let him in.
"Try to get some sleep," Olivia said softly.
Elliot nod and wandered to bedroom, while Olivia decided to make herself another cup of coffee, this was one of those mornings.
"Liv!" Elliot shouted from the bedroom.
Olivia was there instantly. Elliot was already in bed ready to fall asleep.
"Lie here with me," he requested, his big blue eyes pleading.
Unable to say no, Olivia nod and lied on the blankets by his side. She popped herself up on one arm and looked at his tired face.
"When I was seeing kids, I also talked with Kathy. I was so tired and emotional and then she asked me to stay," Elliot said with his eyes closed. He could feel Olivia tense up by his side.
"I almost said yes and ended up in her bed. For a moment I wanted to say yes, but I knew I can't," He confessed.
"I came close to betraying you. Just like Malcolm betrayed his wife," he ended his talk.
"El," Olivia said simply.
"I'm sorry Liv," Elliot apologized.
"Shh, go to sleep baby," Olivia said.
He opened his eyes and met hers. She looked sad, concerned and even scared. Elliot lifted his head from the pillow to meet hers. He kissed her. Unlike the previous kiss in the squad room, this was slow and tender. He flipped them, so he was halfway on top of her, lost in the feeling of her lips against his.
After breaking apart he lowered his head to rest on her chest and wrapped his arms around her. She ran soothing circles on his back as he closed his eyes. Elliot let the feeling of her surround him, to remind him, that she is here and she is alive. He didn't have to wait long before sleep claimed him.
Elliot's snoring was sign Olivia needed to confirm that he's asleep. She kissed his head before unwinding from him, but placing pillow under his head. He moved, but didn't wake up, instead hugged the pillow like he had hugged Olivia before.
***SVU***
"Glad that you found time to see me," Melinda said after Olivia appeared in her office.
"Sorry, Elliot needed me," Olivia apologized.
"I know, Fin called. I gave my findings to him. I believe he's already talking to your suspect," Melinda said.
"I also heard that Cragen was looking for you," the medical examiner added.
"Figured. He has called me like 5 times already," Olivia said, looking at her phone.
"Actually I wanted to see you, so I can draw your blood," Melinda said before Olivia could leave.
"Right," Olivia agreed.
Olivia pulled her sleeve up and Melinda came to her and drew blood from her left hand. Olivia flinched, when Melinda inserted the needle. Olivia had never been a big fan of needles.
"What happened today?" Melinda asked of curiosity. She had vaguely heard that Elliot was on leave, but that's about it.
"Actually I'm wrong person to ask, I was at home, when everything happened," Olivia replied.
"But you are the person, who knows Elliot the best," Melinda stated.
"He let perp got to his head and now he's dwelling on it. First Malcolm seemed to be victim and Elliot identified with him, later it came out that a man killed his girlfriend, wife and kids. El can't get it out of his head, seeing his handiwork was not easy. But I think seeing his kids helped and hopefully he can sleep it off and maybe seeing Huang will help too," Olivia talked about the events. Seeing dead kids was never easy, not to him, not to her, not to anyone she knew.
"Let's hope so. But he has you to make things better," Melinda said, worried about her friend's boyfriend.
"Even I'm not always enough," Olivia said heavily.
Melinda looked at her friend for a moment. She knew Elliot was dwelling on it also because he was like Malcolm – marriage had run it's course and now he's happy with another woman, though Elliot is divorced.
"Seems like I have all that I need," Melinda said pulling the needle out.
She put pressure on the spot before wrapping bandage around Olivia's hand and making sure it was tight enough.
"Try not to use your hand too much today," Melinda said as always, but knowing well enough NYPD detectives rarely took that to heart.
"Sure," Olivia said in agreement.
"And take care of Elliot," Melinda added.
"I will," Olivia said, getting up.
"I'll let you know when results are in," the Medical Examiner called out.
"And I already know what you'll say. I'm healthy," Olivia said as she walked out of the door, bringing a smile to Melinda's face.
***SVU***
Olivia arrived back at the precinct, when Fin and Munch brought in their suspect.
"Glad you decided to finally join us," Munch commented.
"Good to see, that you can function without me," Olivia said back.
"Cragen wants to see you," Fin said.
"So I've heard," Olivia mumbled, when she went back to her desk.
She sat down and read her e-mails, where she found reports from Melinda and CSU team. She went over the case to be prepared.
"Benson," Cragen shouted from his office door.
Olivia looked up and went to her boss. Cragen followed her to his office and closed door.
"I was not mad, when you got together with Elliot. I didn't separate you because I thought you can keep your personal lives out of the office. I trusted you to do your job, despite of your feelings. You and Elliot were close before and that was already a red flag situation, but I was advised to keep you together. Now I'm not so sure. You've been missing all morning, not answering your phone and I know it's because of Elliot. So give me a reason not to split you up?" Cragen asked, obviously unsatisfied with the current situation.
"Maybe the reason why you kept us together in the first place still applies," Olivia said simply.
"You and Elliot work well together and for the past year your relationship has barely been a problem, but cases like this make me regret not splitting you up," Cragen said simply.
"Captain, I'm here and ready to work, but you saw Elliot's state in the morning. I can't ignore it, but even if we were just partner's I'd still care about him," Olivia said.
"And that was the initial problem," Cragen said simply.
Olivia turned her eyes to the floor in front of her, waiting for Cragen to say something. The silence was full of tension, palpable in the air.
"Liv, make sure this doesn't happen again," Cragen finally decided.
Olivia nod and left the office, going to listen interrogation. She really had to keep her personal feelings at home.
***SVU***
Later that night the rapist was arrested and case was closed. This really was one of those rare open and shut cases everybody longed after hard cases like Malcolm was. Munch, Fin and Olivia were finishing up their paperwork at the end of their shift.
They were all startled by Olivia's phone ringing.
"Special victims unit, detective Benson," she said answering the phone.
"Liv, your results are back. I'd like to tell them in person," Warner said at the other end.
"Okay, I'll be right there," Olivia said, confused.
"Great," Warner said before hanging up.
Munch and Fin looked at her with confusion.
"Stabler screwed up again?" Munch asked from his desk.
"No, Warner wants to see me," Olivia said, still in haze.
"Hope you're not on drugs," Fin said, knowing Olivia had her blood tested in the morning.
"Shut up," Olivia said to both detectives still in the squadroom before leaving.
***SVU***
Olivia rushed through the doors to Melinda's office. The doctor was typing up her report, but turned to Olivia and took out some papers, probably her results and waited for the detective to sit down.
"Something wrong?" Olivia asked instantly.
"Wouldn't call it wrong," Melinda said simply.
"So, why'd you wanted to see me?" Olivia asked.
"Your health is fine, though you should eat more iron rich food. All stats are good and you are eligible to work as police officer, but your hCG level in elevater," Melinda said with smile on her face.
"What does that mean?" Olivia asked, curious about the result.
"Congratulations, Olivia, you are pregnant," Melinda said, her smile growing.
"Huh?" Olivia asked, taken back.
"It's probably too early so you haven't noticed, but I suggest you call your OB/GYN and make an appointment," Melinda went on.
"We've always used protection," Olivia said, trying to process this news.
"Condoms are only 97% effective," Melinda explained.
"We haven't talked about kids, I mean he already has 4 and he never said about wanting more, what if he doesn't want it. What if I don't want kids. I'm over 30, risks are higher, what if something happens," Olivia rambled.
"Talk to Elliot, I'm sure he is thrilled. And you have some risk factors, but doctors will keep close eye on you, women over 30 have healthy babies all the time. I'll be okay," Melinda tried to reassure Olivia.
"Thank you," Olivia said.
"Take one step at the time. Don't stress too much, that's not good. Also you should change your eating habits to healthier food and limit your coffee consumption," Melinda went on.
"Everything will change," Olivia realized.
"For the better. If you need advise you can come to me, I have a teenager at home, but I still know how it's like," Melinda said friendly.
"I will," Olivia agreed.
Melinda offered a smile to shocked detective, before Olivia decided to go back and finish her DD-5 before heading home.
***SVU***
Elliot wandered off the elevators and entered the squadroom, where Fin and Munch were writing in silence.
"Where's Liv?" he asked.
"Warner wanted to see her," Munch offered without looking up.
"Man, you still look like crap," Fin said, looking at Elliot.
"I just need to see her," Elliot said.
"She should be back any minute, she'd been there pretty long," Fin said.
"What if something's wrong with her?" Elliot asked.
"They're probably discussing hair styles or shades of lipstick. You should know women by now," Munch said and stood up to turn in his DD-5 and leave.
"John's right, except I'm positive they're discussing you," Fin said and also finished his report.
Munch and Fin collected their things before leaving Elliot standing alone in the middle of empty room.
"Sit tight, she'll come back any minute," Fin said as he passed his colleague.
As Munch and Fin entered the elevator, Olivia stepped off.
"Your boy-toy is here, probably to confess mass murder he committed in his delusional mind," Munch said to her.
"Shut up, John. Elliot is here," Fin explained before the doors closed and Olivia was out of sight.
Olivia looked back at them and then walked to squadroom, where only Elliot was standing.
"El?" She questioned.
"Liv," he said and rushed to her.
"You okay?" Olivia asked.
"I am now. Had a bad dream. You were killed.." Elliot explained vastly.
"I'm here baby," Olivia assured him.
She closed the distance and put her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his waist.
"I keep worrying about you. I don't wanna lose you," Elliot said, hiding his face in her long hair and pulling her tighter into his embrace.
"El, you won't lose me," Olivia said softly.
"I love you," Elliot said to her ear.
"El, I love you too," Olivia replied.
"I keep fighting to keep the city safe. I fight so my kids and you can walk safely on these streets, but I feel like I'm failing every time. We put one guy away but the same time two even worse guys arrive at the scene. I feel like it's no use," Elliot rambled.
"You might have another reason now," Olivia said quietly and pulled away.
She took his hand and guided it to her flat abdomen.
"You're pregnant?" Elliot questioned, his face unreadable.
"Needs to be confirmed, but yes, according to Warner," Olivia said, wary of his reaction.
Elliot kissed her tenderly, her lips soft and irresistible. His free hand went to her back and he pulled her back to him, washing away her doubts about his reaction. She was fool for thinking he doesn't want it.
"Let's go home," he said after pulling away.
Olivia nod.
She walked away from him, took some folders from her desk, turned off the computer and walked back to Elliot, who kissed the corner of her mouth and wrapped his hand around her shoulder, keeping her close as they left the squadroom for the night.
Unbeknown to them, Cragen was still in his office, looking at his detectives with small smile on his face. He was happy for them as he watched them become partners, fall in love, fight these feelings for years and finally getting to a place, where they can be happy together.
Satisfied with the day, he took his coat and turned off the lights in his office and then in the squadroom, leaving for the night.