Rejoice all the people of the world! I have returned!

After an absence of several months I am writing once more! Which of course means more chapters and maybe even a new story or two!

I do apologize for the extreme time gap between the last chapter and this one. I discovered that having a life is not conducive to quick fanfiction writing. Unfortunately college costs money so my writing has been put to the side. That said I will do all I can to keep new chapters coming.

Review Replies!

Daniel 29: Yup, and I have an eraser.

Mesojoe: Unfortunately it will be several chapters before we really split off from canon. I apologize for that, I just couldn't think of an earlier point to diverge that I felt comfortable with.

MidnightHunter563: Several people will appear now and again.

Lunarwolf150: He might... or he might not. I'm not telling.

Guest: Are you dead yet?

TegzTsinelas: Yes others will appear, Team 7 will in a way. I'm trying to give Naruto as many fight scenes as I can. It's proving rather difficult.

mbahgila: Sorry this will be one of my few non-NAruHina fics. Also he's not a ninja, he's a Hitokiri.

Enough of that! Please enjoy the product of my Cream Soda and Cheezit induced Hallucinations!

Disclaimer: My assassin failed so I still own nothing.

Chapter 3: Another Weirdo?

Naruto was having a lovely dream. In it the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and he was pranking the Meiji government to its knees. He had already managed to cover the house of parliament in bright orange paint, traded all of the guard's weapons for rubber chickens and had somehow managed to get the emperor and the minister of internal affairs to publicly announce that they had lost the game. Now he was getting ready for his piece de resistance, a prank of such epic proportions that it cannot be described by mortal man. Just as he was about to light the candle that set the entire thing into motion, the very foundations of the world seemed to shake as a thunderous voice rang out overhead.

Naruto leapt from his dream back into reality and from there he leapt off his futon and crouched next to the door. The experience he gained from almost a decade of war telling him to stay low because something horrible was going on. With adrenaline rushing through his veins and blood pounding in his head Naruto stayed crouched and silently waited.

It took the blonde almost a full minute to realize what the thunderous noise that had woken him actually was. In truth Kaoru was simply yelling at Kenshin about something or other. Which in truth wasn't all that surprising, however the volume at which Kaoru was shouting definitely was impressive. The blonde chuckled and stood up as he internally debated whether or not he should go back to sleep. However when he heard the distinctive 'crack' of a shinai striking flesh he chuckled again and decided that since he was already up he might as well stay that way. As another resounding 'crack' echoed through the dojo Naruto did all he could to stop himself from falling down laughing. It seemed that once more Kenshin was being beaten by the one enemy he could never seem to defeat, an enraged human female.

Staggering into the kitchen with all the energy of a slug Naruto plopped down onto a cushion. Thankfully it appeared that things between Kaoru and Kenshin had calmed down, at least a little bit anyway. Kenshin was happily making breakfast while Kaoru simply sat and glared at the table as if it had just insulted her family. Granted, the large number of rather large welts on Kenshin's head did prove that the blonde had not been imagining things.

Seeing his best friend in such a condition Naruto couldn't help but tease him as the redhead placed Naruto's breakfast before him. "Hey, Kenshin. I got a question for you. How is it that you always manage to involve yourself with the weirdest people? I mean seriously you have the worst luck."

While he had meant to ease the tension in the room his comment had the exact opposite effect. Not two seconds after the last word had left the blonde's tongue Kaoru pulled a shinai out from beneath the table and proceeded to break it in half over Naruto's head.

A full minute later Naruto slowly picked himself up of the floor. Once fully upright he slowly began to eat while gingerly rubbing his aching scalp. "Sooo… Besides breaking shinai over unsuspecting people's heads what's on today's agenda?"

"I'll be spending the day at another dojo on the far side of town since neither one of you two will spar with me!" Kaoru snarled.

Naruto ignored the venom in the young lady's voice and turned to look at Kenshin expectantly.

"Ah, I shall be accompanying Kaoru-dono." The red head chirped.

"Cool! I love road trips!" Naruto exclaimed.

Kaoru smiled with narrowed eyes giving her a rather terrifying expression. "I don't remember anyone saying you were coming with us Naruto."

Naruto kept right on going. "It'll be great! I'll pack snacks and… Wait. What?"

"You, aren't, coming, with, us." Kaoru said slowly.

Naruto blinked a few dozen times as he stared at the young lady. "Ha, that's a good one! Now, I'm thinking at least four, maybe five Bento boxes with-"

Kenshin cut his friend off. "Naruto, you will not be joining us."

"Wait, you're serious?"

Both nodded.

"I gotta ask, why not? I can totally carry my own weight, and then some! I could carry the food and the spare shinai! Oh and if we got attacked by bandits I can totally fight them all one handed!" Naruto exclaimed with a somewhat crazed/desperate look in his eye.

Kaoru's expression became a little bit softer. "We know you could be helpful, but really it's unnecessary."

Naruto gained a rueful smile.

"Also, I am afraid you might embarrass my dojo by doing something irredeemably stupid."

"Kenshin told you about the thing in Nagoya, didn't he? That was not my fault! That shinai was obviously rigged-" Naruto began to yell.

"Naruto trust this one when he says we aren't doing this to be mean, you would just be more useful here." Kenshin interjected.

Naruto crossed his arms with an angry 'huff'. "Fine. So if I'm not going with you what am I doing?"

Kaoru's evil smile returned. "Oh, just some chores that need doing around the dojo." She presented a thickly folded sheet of paper.

Naruto all but snatched it from her hand before unfolding it and beginning to read the very small and orderly handwriting. As he read the paper continued to unfold revealing more and more chores. When he finally reached the bottom (which was hanging at about mid-thigh) his eyes snapped up to meet Kaoru's.

"Are you serious?!" He yelled. "There's almost four hundred chores on this thing! I don't think there are that many in Tokyo let alone this dojo! Where the heck did you come up with this stuff?"

"In case you forgot there haven't been any students here to do the chores for a month! You guys turned away the only applicants we had yesterday! So of course there is a lot to do!" Kaoru shouted in reply.

"I know why there's so much to do, I'm not a complete idiot.-"

"That's debatable." Kaoru scoffed.

"-I just don't understand why I have to do all of this? Can't you or Kenshin do at least a little?" Naruto whined.

Kenshin coughed lightly into his hand. "This one cannot allow a lady to travel so far without an escort. It would be improper. This one cannot help."

The blonde's head fell as he grumbled. "So if it's just you and Kaoru, who's the lady? 'Cause it ain't her."

Unfortunately for our favorite blonde Kaoru overheard this and broke another shinai over his already aching head.

When the world finally stopped spinning enough for him to sit up Naruto found himself alone in the dojo.

"I hate them, I really do." He grumbled as he picked up his chore list and read the first item.

'Fix the hole in the dojo's floor… … … Really? That was Kenshin, why do I have to clean it up? Besides I'm no carpenter, I'll probably just make it worse!'

He sighed and shook his head as he started towards the supply shed.

'This is going to be a looooong day.'

Just as he predicted it wound up being a very long, very tiring, and above all very boring day. After fixing the floor he found that he had inadvertently caused a fine layer of sawdust and wod chips to cover most of the floor which he of course cleaned up. Once that was done he moved on down the list, reorganizing the pantry, cleaning the guest rooms, dusting the family shrine, cutting fresh firewood, scrubbing the bath-house… The list just went on and on!

Internally he continuously bemoaned the unfairness of the universe but continued in his tasks with a single minded determination that could have put ants to shame. After seven hours of almost non-stop effort someone entered the dojo. Naruto of course wasn't aware of this as he was somewhat busy.

"It would appear that you have been quite the busy bee. Why can't you apply yourself like this to everything you do?" asked the intruder.

Naruto sat up in his kneeling position (he had been scrubbing the porch). "I swear to Kami you are my mother reincarnated early." The blonde groaned.

"This one just felt he should point out what he is thinking." Kenshin replied.

"Again, mother. Now get your lazy bum over here and help me with this stuff! You live here too ya know!" Naruto yelled as he turned to face his red headed compatriot.

"This one would love to help, but at the moment he is incapable of doing so." Kenshin said with a huge smile.

A tick mark appeared on Naruto's forehead. "Oh reaaally? And what exactly, pray tell, is preventing you from helping me?"

The smiled remained as the rurouni answered. "Kaoru-dono requested that dinner be ready for when she returns."

Another tick mark appeared. "And that's stopping you how?"

Kenshin held up a small wooden bucket. "We are out of tofu. This one must go and get more."

Naruto closed his eyes to reign in his anger. "Just grab a freaking bucket of water and…I hate him so much right now." He had opened his eyes to find that Kenshin had fled the dojo.

As he went back to scrubbing Naruto mumbled to himself. "One of these days Kenshin, one of these days." His head arched back as he shouted. "I will have my revenge you lazy, red-haired, pain-in-the-butt excuse for a swordsman! It will by mine and it shall be sweet!"

With his little moment of Psychoses out of the way the blonde reluctantly returned to his work.

Another two hours passed by before Naruto's continuing chores were interrupted. This time though it wasn't due to external influence. This time Naruto literally bored and worked himself to sleep, a rather impressive feat considering the near limitless stamina the blonde possessed. It seemed that not even the mighty Naruto could overcome the need for a nap, so he took one using a pillar on the porch as his backrest.

So of course this was how Kenshin found his friend when he returned the second time. As humorous as the sight of his best friend snoring while clutching the cleaning bucket like a stuffed animal, this was not the time to laugh. So he just mentally saved the image for future laughs. He then knelt down beside him and lightly tapped the blondes arm.

Due to the way he had fallen asleep Naruto didn't wake up nearly as quickly as he normally did. Thus he looked around blearily before saying the first thought that passed through his sleep muddled mind. "Hey Kenshin, did you know there is a giant raccoon with a sword standing right behind you?"

Once again the dojo halls echoed with the distinctive 'crack' of a breaking shinai.

"Nope, I take that back, that was definitely not a raccoon. That was a female of the highly aggressive Kaoru variety. Note to self: one should approach with extreme caution." Naruto mumbled from inside the floor as the aforementioned female stormed away.

Kenshin pulled his friend from the floor and looked him dead in the eye. "We do not have time for this foolishness." He stated flatly.

Seeing his normally cheerful friend's dour disposition Naruto's entire personality did a similar one-eighty and became just as grim.

"What's wrong?"

Kenshin didn't reply for a moment. "There is a young blade in need of our assistance." Was the cryptic reply.

Naruto's eyes widened for a few instants due to the wording of Kenshin's answer. "Truly?"

Kenshin slowly nodded the affirmative.

Naruto's eyes narrowed until they could barely be considered open. "I never would have thought that someone like that could exist in this day and age, especially here. How'd you manage to find them?"

"He pickpocketed me, or at least tried to."

Naruto snorted with amusement but gestured for his friend to continue.

"On her way back to the dojo Kaoru-dono says she saw him being carried away by two Yakuza thugs. Both she and I believe it would be cruel to leave such a child in the hands of the Yakuza." Kenshin finished.

"Ahhh, so it's a rescue mission then?" Naruto asked with a raised brow. His tone made it sound like a joking question but his face said otherwise.

"That it is indeed." Kenshin stood and motioned for Naruto to follow him as he turned and began to walk away.

A predatory grin etched itself onto Naruto's grim visage as he all but flew from the porch. "I don't know about you, but this is a new experience for me. I've never saved a samurai before."

A half hour later found the two swordsmen standing outside what was once a thriving inn. According to the locals they had asked the old inn was now the headquarters for one of the largest Yakuza groups in that part of Tokyo. Also an old lady they had spoken to had told them that she had seen two men carry an unconscious boy inside not too long before. So they felt very confident in thinking they had the right place.

Naruto broke the tense silence with a rather odd question. "So, who's gonna get the door this time?" His question sounded innocent but the grin that accompanied it was anything but.

"In this particular case this one believes that your method may be more effective here. Just do it quietly if at all possible." Kenshin answered with a calm voice as he took two rather large steps back.

Naruto's grin only widened as his strange black bokuto appeared in his hands once more. Just as suddenly as the blade appeared they flashed into motion and were suddenly held out to either side. The blonde's grin intensified as he whispered something to himself. "Open Sesame!"

An X-shaped slash appeared in the door as it fell to the ground in four large pieces.

Naruto's grin became far less jovial and more predatory in nature as he shot through the newly opened door like a fox after its cornered prey. "Come out, come out, wherever you are! It's time to play hunt the demon! I'm it!"

Kenshin just sighed and shook his head at the blonde's antics. Deep down though he wasn't worried at all. If it had been someone besides Naruto, he would have feared for their sanity. In this case though he knew that the blonde's odd tendencies were his personal way to deal with the horrors of battle. Naruto was fine.

"Oi, no! I'm the demon, not you! ... I tag people, you run away! … You know what, you get a timeout for that! Come here!" Drifted out from inside.

Well maybe not entirely fine, but about as fine as Naruto ever got. With yet another sigh Kenshin entered the building.

Once past the first room the building lost all visual similarities with the inn it had once been. Instead it appeared to be more like the aftermath of some horrific plague, or some grand battle. Bodies lay strewn about the room like autumn leaves after a storm. Their weapons, spears, knives, swords, sickles, clubs, lay amongst the bodies like metallic sticks. Despite the apparent brutality that had occurred in the room Kenshin knew that none of the people on the floor were dead, merely unconscious. Though they would problably wish for death when the pain of their injuries return to them.

Following the trail of destruction and carnage that Naruto left behind Kenshin slowly made his way to the main dining room where he assumed the Yakuza head would be. He also figured that would be where the young boy they were there to save would be. After a few minutes of walking through Naruto's detritus Kenshin found himself face to wall with a large set of shogi doors. Judging by their size he guessed that this was the entrance to the dining room.

The red haired swordsman stood in front of the doors for a few moments, then took a deep breath and leapt straight through the unopened door. The instant he landed his eyes scanned all around the room and to stock of the situation.

The young boy they had come to rescue, the one who had called himself Myojin Yahiko, was standing next to him looking rather worse for wear but was still alive, if a little confused. Around the room were ten or so thugs who looked rather shocked by Kenshin's entrance. Directly in front of him was the Yakuza oyabun, a short, fat and generally unimpressive looking little man.

"It's a raid!" The oyabun shouted to his thugs. "Get the guys in here now!"

There was a momentary silence.

"This one didn't think that your men were going to let me in. So this one had my friend go and play with them, so sorry but this one believes that the friend may have broken them." Kenshin said lightly.

Just then a man leapt up from underneath one of the fallen doors.

"Who are you? Another samurai wannabe!?" the man shouted as he drew a sword from within his staff. "I guess I'll just kill you both at once!"

The man went to strike at both Kenshin and Yahiko however before he could Naruto appeared out of nowhere and blocked the blade. Using his second bokuto he drove a powerful uppercut into the man's chin with enough force to lodge the unfortunate thug's head in the ceiling.

"Interrupting when the adults are talking is rude." Naruto said with a grin. "Now stay up there and think about what you did. And if you cause any more trouble I'll give you another 'timeout'."

Resting one bokuto on his shoulder the newly arrived blonde turned and pointed the other at the oyabun. "Got a question for you, boss." Naruto said with a sarcastic tone. "How much is the runt worth to you?"

The oyabun was rather confused by the question and so didn't respond.

"What this one's friend means is, are you willing to lose your entire gang over one kid?" Kenshin supplied.

Both swordsmen's eyes narrowed dangerously and became ice cold as Kenshin continued. "This one would suggest showing your generosity by letting the boy go."

"Or, we could just wipe out every part of your gang and then take the kid. That's an option to." Naruto added in a light tone though his expression remained completely serious.

Faced with the cold fury of the two swordsmen facing him the oyabun broke out in a cold sweat. "F-Fine. Take him and get out of here."

Kenshin smiled widely before slinging the boy over his shoulder and calmly walking out. Naruto didn't follow, he stayed right where he was and continued to glare at the oyabun, his blue eyes looking like chips of ice.

"I should mention one thing before we go." His glare became physically palpable. "Don't even think about trying to get revenge for what has happened. No one was killed tonight, but," A bloodthirsty grin appeared. "I can't guarantee that will happen again if I ever see one of your ugly mugs poking around. Pray we don't meet again."

With his threat made Naruto bowed lightly and then turned to go after Kenshin.

One of the thug's ran to his boss's side the instant Naruto exited the room. "Boss, do you want me to round up some of the guys and go after those punks? Teach 'em a lesson about messing with us?"

"Yeah boss! We can't just let them go! They made us look like idiots!" Another thug added.

"Let's get 'em before anyone finds out!" Another commented.

"Come on guys, after 'em!" One yelled.

"No, stop! Let them go!" The boss shouted as the thugs were about to leave.

"Why? It's just two swordsmen and a punk brat, we can take 'em easy!" One replied.

"Those two aren't just any old swordsmen. No mere swordsman can possess eyes like that." The boss said in a shaky tone. "Those were the eyes of Hitokiri. Not Yakuza ones either, those two are the real deal. I thought they all died in the revolution." He looked up at his men with eyes quivering with fear. "No matter how many of our boys attacked, those men would cut them down like grass. If giving up that kid is the price we must pay to keep them away, it is a cheap price."

Naruto arrived back at the Kamiya dojo just a few minutes after Kenshin. When he did he found that a rather nasty brawl was already going on between Kaoru and the boy they had just rescued. Judging by the shouts emerging from the dust cloud his name was either 'Yahiko' or 'brat'. The blonde figured it was more likely the former, but a small part of his mind was silently hoping for it to be the latter.

"Well, that went well! If I do say so myself!" Naruto exclaimed cheerfully as he stopped next to Kenshin.

"You just did say so yourself." Kenshin commented. "Though this one is inclined to agree with you. Young Yahiko was rescued and not a single person died."

"You make it sound like you were expecting someone to die." Naruto said with a small scowl.

"Could I expect anything less from the Beni Yurei?" Kenshin asked quietly.

"No more than I would from the Battousai." Naruto growled in return. "We are no longer the monsters we once were. Let us leave them in the past where they belong."

Kenshin sighed. "You're right, this one apologizes."

Naruto waved him off. "It's fine. Besides the important part is that we got the kid back here. Yet another weirdo to add to the collection you seem to be gaining."

Kenshin nodded. "True, but only the weirdest part of my collection would ever notice he was part of a collection." The red head commented sagely before going and attempting to break up the fight.

Naruto just laughed for a few seconds before realizing he had been insulted. Once he realized he charged forward and tackled Kenshin dragging the both of them into the brawl already in progress.

Who was the Beni Yurei?

Will anyone else chance upon Naruto's hidden past?

Will I ever get a new desk chair?

All the questions and more will be answered in the next instalment!

A/N: I'm running out of ideas for my tag lines. You know the food/drink induced hallucination one. Yeah, so if you have a weird food and drink combo and you want to see it on one of my stories put it in a review! NO PM'S!

A/N2:I also now have a Youtube channel. Just search for Psycho's Anonymous. I don't have many videos up yet but I'm working on it. If you want to see a specific game in the future just let me know.