A Constant Throb

Part VII

" Cersei Lannister needs to die…and I need you to be the one who does it."

He spoke the command with just a trace of anger, more resigned calculation than anything else. Staring out the window, Ned Stark's eyes shifted two and fro at the expanse of his backyard. Sandor could only guess the horrific what ifs that played through his head like a film reel. Outside the vast open beauty of nature spread out before him but he saw none of it. Not even his boys.

Bran and Rickon were jumping through the tire swing and wrestling on the ground like it was their last battle before nightfall. Catelyn called from the kitchen for them to calm down and stop screaming so loud. But…boys being boys two minutes later they were back in their imaginary world of make believe wars and fighting catastrophic odds.

A week had come and gone since the attempt on Sansa's life, a week heavy with tension and planning. The longest fucking week of his life.

"Consider it done than, Sir." He came to stand by his boss's side. Whatever he could do to make this right, to get Sansa out of danger, he would do it without question. He knew what that meant, what the sacrifice entailed and he was willing to pay the price because…because it was duty.

But that reason fell far below the real one. He could call his own bullshit if he had the mental strength to do so but right now he was too tired to fight with himself.

" You know you'll have to disappear for a while." Ned said without breaking his concentration to stare at the taller man. There were so many thoughts and wonderings swirling about him, the silent burdens and joys of being a parent along with a powerful businessman.

He knew. He knew well before he had to be told. Probably even before that. His life as a bodyguard/hired assassin for the Starks was one big disappearing act only to reappear three months later. Robb and Jon grew accustomed to the lapse of time fast, adaptable and happy for his return without questions. Arya, on the other hand, hated the way he left and never really said a goodbye, leaving things open with an I'll see you later and little else. The others were too young to notice.

And Sansa…

" I know." Sandor shook his head decidedly, showing no hesitance. But inside the usual acceptance to sweep up the rest of a messy situation and leave it well and done in the past didn't come and sit peacefully in its rightful place. Ignoring the strange unwelcomed reaction he affirmed roughly, "I'll get it done tonight. You'll hear from me when I'm on my way out of the city."

Ned's squinted eyes crinkled further in understanding. "I'll be in touch when I think you're in the clear."

Misery dampened the older man's face like a father's forced hand against a disobedient child. He hated this part of the job. Killing was always Ned's last resort, but sometimes, unfortunately, it was the only option.

Turned out Cersei was using her little brother as a puppet to enact her own plans for power and money. She enabled Tyrion's gambling addiction, made sure he owed a few dangerous bookies, and set up the plan to not only keep her family's territory, but take from Ned as well. Supposedly she had been in opposition with her father for some time, wanting to expand their empire and broaden their horizons by eliminating several of the competing families. Tywin refused and so she took matters into her own hands.

Kidnapping Sansa was only the step stoning for a much grander scheme.

Sandor could only scoff at the amateur maneuver. Cersei was a savvy women but she strategized with her heart instead of her head. The whole back alley deal was riddled with greed and reeked of sloppiness. Taking Sansa hostage would only provoke a war not kick start the Lannister power to state borders.

But Cersei was a Lannister. And the Lannisters didn't mind bloodshed. In fact, they relished human demolition if it furthered their selfish cause. They killed their own if need be; loyalty was a foreign concept even amongst their own camp. One of the many reasons why Sandor never cared for them as a family or business partners. He only put up with their presence because Ned respected Tywin so much, but respect could blind a person to truth sometimes; camouflage what was blatantly obvious to the rest of the world.

Sandor wasn't one to look back but the women was a fool and now her foolishness would cost her the only life she really cared for-her own.

Turning Ned sat back at his desk, leaning against his chair and playing with the letter opener. " You know I would do this myself if I could…I don't like someone else cleaning up my messes. It's my family and I want to protect them," he wavered a bit at the end. There was nothing more crippling than being powerless to stop harm from coming to your own doorstep.

" Sir….this is my job. I want…I know this will make things right. That's all that matters." Sandor was feeling pretty helpless himself. He couldn't remember the last time he slept. Actually he could but that was not what he wanted to think about now. He hadn't seen her since that night. Her parents had put her on lockdown because of what happened at the bar. He couldn't say he blamed them because he would have done the same. Plus he had a job to do, find the fucks that tried to kill her. Tunnel vision could be a pretty benefiting quirk in such pressuring matters.

Their night together felt like ages from where he was now. And just seconds from where his brain could easily follow . Didn't matter. Because she invaded his dreams, every inch of space time left available to him. Even awake. On line to get coffee, picking up his mail, all veritable distractions from the collage of small moments and images sown together in his head. Her tiny puffs of breaths that stirred the skin of his chest, the way her lips moved while she slept, the flutter of her lashes that told him she was dreaming. All her and all tattooed to some dusty corner of his heart he had left deserted.

" I don't know what I'd do without you Sandor. I feel better it's you doing this but at the same time… I want you by my side with my family, protecting us. I don't trust anyone at this point." The fierce coldness in his tone stank of betrayal. There was still so many unanswered questions. Yes, the Lannisters were guilty but to know Sansa's whereabouts and such…Cersei had to have gotten to someone on the inside. " This plan might end up starting a war but it has to be done. I wont rest another day with that kind of danger out there."

" I can still make myself useful while I'm up at my cabin. Ask questions...and what not." And he meant that with every cell of his being. No person working under the Stark name would be overlooked no matter how close or how long they had been an employee.

" I know you said that guy Vin the bartender over at Reds gave you a good alibi of self defense but a few of the patrons gave your description to the cops…you don't need that kind of heat."

Hands in his pocket, Sandor didn't have to have it spelled out." I know."

" Plus you stick out like a sore thumb my friend…it wouldn't take long for them to find you." Ned allowed a small chuckle to pass his tight lips.

Being large always seemed to work against him, this was no exception. He forced a smile but had nothing to say and let the silence speak for him. He hated the waiting when he was put in charge of executing an order. He'd feel better once Cersei Lannister was six feet under and the rest of the assholes who decided to tempt fate and dare try and hurt her were gasping their last breaths.

He would be okay than because she would be. And not a minute before.

Sansa had called him every day since being at his apartment. Everyday but today. He hadn't answered her. Not one of her calls. He couldn't. If he let himself indulge in her for even one second he would slip up, fuck everything to hell and she would pay the consequences in the end. Sandor would cut off his shooting arm before he let that happen.

He could only guess that her lack of a call today meant she knew that he was disappearing for a while. Ned tried to keep as much from his family as possible but the older his children got the more trying the task became. She was in college, which was around the time Robb and Jon began to find out bits and pieces of how Ned operated his business. Sansa deserved more than some textbook explanation since her life had been at stake twice now. He wasn't exactly sure what her father had told her, but being the perpetual cynic that he was, Sandor bet a year's rent she knew he was going.

" Is there anything else you need from me, Sir, before I go?" Sandor made his way over to the other side of the desk. It was about time he headed out. Being here only led to trouble his head couldn't afford at a time when he had a mission to get on.

" All business," Ned commented lightly, mirroring his actions and standing to come around his desk and pat the bodyguard's shoulder. " I wont forget this." He said the words as a pledge, with more sincerity than any boss he had ever known.

Awkwardly Sandor nodded. Except for lately emotions were a strange impolite visitor. He patted the man back and both their hands fell at the same time.

" They'll be wanting to say goodbye you know…" For the first time in a week the gray in the elder Stark's eyes sparkled. " I know we don't usually make a big deal out of this but considering what everyone has been through recently…I wanted my children to be able to say goodbye to you…knowing that you'd be back. They've had enough scares to last a lifetime."

Shit. This was the hurdle for him. This, this was a brand of fucking torture designed specifically to mind fuck him senseless. " I don't want to disturb the family …I think its better-"

" Nonsense." Ned waved a hand off. " I told them you would be gone for some time and they immediately started bellowing complaints…Arya leading the crowd."

Arya, not Sansa. He wondered what that meant.

Ignoring the pang, Sandor forced a soft chuckle from his throat. The little hell raiser was the loudest of the Stark children, but still it was the redheaded eighteen year old that won the prize of them all. On the outside she might look like a nun taking her vow of silence, but when her temper kicked in she was as stubborn as a ornery goat. She gave more trouble and more headaches than all five combined. It definitely was the quiet ones that had to be watched.

Sighing in defeat Sandor could only gather a small smile as he moved out of Ned's way and said, " Let's get it over with than."

~8~

Goodbyes were a part of life, inevitable no matter what path a person chose. So he decided long ago to rebel against the system, leave them for another time and place and if he was meant to see the person again, fate would intervene.

He was always the one to stay in the car and wait as Jory and BenJen kissed the kids, ruffled their hair and made jokes to wipe away the sad frowns off their faces. Once in a while he'd put Arya in a mock headlock and threaten her to be good or she'd pay with no rides in his car, no football games… something along those lines. Jon and Robb were easy, quick firm handshakes and that was that.

Bran and Rickon were still a little weary of him. Not that he could blame them, he'd be scared of him too. A tangled mess of scars on one side of his face, dark coarse hair shadowed his jaw and if that wasn't enough to bring on the nightmares there was his height and mass. Sandor never took their hesitance with him personal, they would warm up in their time.

That was how he thought things would be with Sansa. She would get that stick out of her ass when the world came caving in on her pampered plans, but he was all wrong about her, had been from the very beginning and would probably be so for the rest of his days.

She was the one he never could seem to wrap a correct opinion around to pinpoint in the right category. If there was one thing he hated was being wrong and uncertain at the same time. With her it was like he had been dropped into a foreign country without a guide. Every turn led somewhere different but more exotic than the last.

Making his way into the living room he stopped in his tracks at the sight that laid in front of him.

What a sad picture they made. Mopey long faces and rainy day eyes.

All except her.

She was still as a statue, her expression blank and enigmatic as she stared at the floor and nothing else. He dared not glance at her more than a second at a time. For her sake and his. He wouldn't drag the pain out longer than need be.

Fuck this was not where he thought things would be a week ago. Who was he fucking kidding though, there hadn't been much thinking at all when he taken her body.

" Don't go…" Arya sniffled clutching the living room sofa pillow. " I feel like you just left us."

" Cause I did." He smiled sadly. " Spring remember…your father needed me…" he let the words fall away.

Unable to hide her resentment Arya glared at her father who was quiet by his wife's side, sitting on the arm of the sofa. " He always needs you it seems."

Sandor couldn't help but chuckle at her outright displeasure with the situation. He was almost flattered if he had the time to think on it. " Part of the job …you going to be good while I'm gone? I'll be asking your father for a full report every time I check in."

She rolled her eyes knowing his trademark jest was just that. " Maybe I'll get into trouble just so you have to come back."

He leaned in to catch her challenging gaze. " If you do that I wont watch any games with you…"

" You promised!" That was a long time ago but he did. " Does that mean you'll be back before the season starts?" Shifting from anger to hopeful in two seconds flat.

They started every football season together. Hopefully his words weren't said in vain. He didn't like to commit to something he wasn't positive he could do. " I will try."

Arya rushed to him, locking her arms fully around him. " I'm going to keep you to it." She muffled into his stomach.

And that he knew she would. She was a stubborn little one. He peeked at the girl on his right. Not half as taxing or mind consuming as some though.

He shook Jon and Robb's hand, again made another promise to go fishing first thing when he got back. They both grinned widely as if they'd go out into the garage and start baiting their lines just to in case he got back sooner. Bran and Rickon were left outside which was a good idea considering their trepidation with him.

Sandor shook Ned's hand again, a firm good shake that told him a lot about the man opposite him. He wasn't just his boss or a figure he greatly respected. Somewhere down the line he had become a friend.

" Catelyn," he kissed her cheek and she stood on her tippy toes to kiss him back.

" Be well Sandor," the mother of five gently extended. " And thank you again…for everything."

They were all making more of this than it should be. This was his job, not some volunteer work he did out of the goodness of his heart. A heart that was as black as sin and as irredeemable as the devil himself.

Walking over it was as if cement had been poured into his shoes. He couldn't step any slower if he wanted to.

" Sansa," he spoke lowly, the ten eyes at his left boring holes into his back, making the skin burn. " I'll see you soon." He tried to sound believable, she needed to know he would be there if she needed him, but…but that was it.

Her face remained impassive, like a chiseled perfectly constructed statue set for viewing but untouchable. She wouldn't meet his eyes, her stare rooted at his chest and never straying up. He could tell she had been crying, red rimmed eyes as glassy and murky as an abandoned pond.

After seconds that dragged like hours, Arya nudged Sansa at her elbow.

" What's the matter with you...you've been like this all week."

Sansa could only glare down at her sister from her side, swallowing slow like she had razor blades in her throat.

" Goodbye Sandor."

She was a wreck. She wasn't even trying to fucking hide it. Her hair hung in a ponytail of knotted waves around her. Her lips were chapped, the flesh broken and clotted on her lower lip, and her skin was paler than was healthy. She was wearing one of Jon's oversized college sweaters and sweatpants with room enough to fit Arya in.

The muscles in his arms clenched and ached at the repression to stay still and not move toward her. If they were alone…

He shook his head, wiping the thought clean before he gave the silly notion attention. She was a drug that when it entered his system he couldn't seem to get enough of. " Promise me you'll take care of yourself. Don't do anything stupid."

He was the one demanding the promises now. He'd have it from her mouth or stand there and rot away until she surrendered her foolish stubbornness.

This time she glanced up at him, the hope and care that shone in her gorgeous eyes when she woke up next to him was dead and buried. " Promises don't mean anything."

" Sansa-"

" But if that's what you need to hear," she gritted her teeth like she was ready to spit at him, " than I promise."

The blue glower she shot him flared to life like a bonfire gone out of control by an unseen wind. He didn't fucking believe her and he didn't want to leave her like this, not like this. Not after everything they had been through together.

Seemed like they were back to the petulant antics born between them from what felt like a lifetime ago. Staring each other down and neither of them backing away to ease the tension or stop the mounting discomfort. Following a week of searching for answers to impossible questions he was too dog tired to screen his actions, making a fist and curling his fingers tight into balls . It was all he could do to stop from doing what he really wanted.

He wanted to yell, scream, sit her down until she got the fucking gravity of what he was about to do. But he was imprisoned by his current state and forced to play a goddamn role he was ill suited to play anymore.

" I'll make sure you keep your promise girl," he said openly as a threat and didn't give a shit what any member of her family had to say about it.

His only reply was a stare as sharp and bright as the glint of a sword followed by a, " Right," that was for his ears only. He didn't trust her, not when it came to her own life. She still had her head in the clouds and eyes looking up for her white knight that would never come. He wasn't a fucking knight or savior, not even close. He didn't belong anywhere near perfection like her.

He gave one last farewell nod before making for the front door, not braving a glance back.

Hearts were a funny little contraption. He always thought his was a bit off, never really set the same way others were and he found himself lucky in such a way. But there were moments where emotions snuck up on him, reminded him just how alive and fucked he was.

His heart was a nagging bitch that kept him in check…and as he closed the door behind him the tug to feel pulled a lot harsher than he would ever be willing to admit.

Yeah Sandor Clegane felt.

Not that anyone would ever live long enough by his side to know it.

~8~

Raindrops were coming down in scattered plops and the darkened sky looked angry above him; a misty smudge of black and gray clouds, distant rumbles of thunder threatened every few minutes about the impending storm not too far in the distance.

Early mornings were not his thing. After a night like he had just had he wanted a shower and bed and a window of a about two days of nothing but sleep. He had to go home and wash up, he wouldn't drive eight hours with blood on him and sweat dripping down his back. But he couldn't seem to make himself go home.

The drive to keep going, move forward and find her hammered across his skull like a hypnotic chant he couldn't shake. Where would she be he had no fucking clue. It was almost sunrise so she should be home in her bed, deep in sleep….should be. Something told him different.

His gut, whether the inkling was good or bad, said she was out there somewhere. And he needed to see her. He couldn't leave with this gaping ravine of misunderstanding between them. Now that the immediate danger was eliminated he could breathe easy without feeling a vise tighten around his ribcage.

Shifting into park, the sign for Reds shone the obnoxious color of its name into his weary eyes. He knew the place wouldn't be open but he'd wait it out here and think. Get an hour or two of shuteye call Ned at a decent hour and then find Sansa, fix this by telling her he was sorry…telling her …Fuck he didn't even know. Than he'd hit the road.

Rubbing his eyes hard Sandor scanned the parking lot and noticed another car was there. It was in the shadows across from him where a few trees were bent over, hiding an otherwise clear view.

It was still too dark out to see if there was anyone in the driver's seat, but the car was red…a red mustang. He saw the black stripes that coated both sides of the doors and when he scanned the license plate recognition hit him in the kidneys.

He got out, a little reluctant. Maybe this was a set up, a trap from an enemy that he had underestimated. He scanned the area, no signs of life or trouble leaped on his radar. Everything was as still as a countryside road. The only sound was the crunch of his boots stepping onto the gravel.

He could see now that no one was in the car. Fuck. He saw the college emblem dangling from the rearview mirror. This was definitely Jon's car. What the hell was going on?

That's when he heard the scrape of a shoe and a small muffled sniffle. He followed the direction from where it came from, behind the car.

He didn't have to go very far before he stiffened where he stood.

She was sitting Indian style behind the car, her face in her hands…and she was crying. Not just crying like a few tears falling where a tissue and a hug would suffice as help. This was the kind of crying that was silent, where breathing stopped and no words could heal the wound that had stemmed from nothing short of agony.

Sandor stayed fixed to the ground like he was part of the parking lot. He couldn't make a move if his life fucking depended on it. What was he suppose to do. Nothing he could utter would make this right or bandage the hurt they created. He created. He knew from the first time he let himself feel those lips glide between his that they were fucking doomed. And he let it happen anyway. Was that care or love…or was he just that much of a selfish bastard?

Yes.

The rain was coming down harder now but he was locked and frozen, crazy glued to the sound of every shattering sob. After a minute or two the bobbing of her shoulders weakened and she eyed the sky, feeling the rain on her face and letting the cascade of water drench every detail of her.

He shifted the weight of his balance to his other foot and the slight gritty noise triggered the announcement of his presence like a shotgun at the beginning of a race.

Her head whipped around and she was on her feet before he could think to explain why he was there…just staring. Pieces of hair clung to her cheeks and her eyes went wild as an array of emotions held and demanded answers from him. If she was startled to see him she didn't show it.

The breath she had been holding released itself.

" Why did you get me the lemon ices?"

What.

That was the last question he was expecting. At least it was an easy one he could answer. He shortened the gap between them with only a small step but enough for room so he could think lucidly. " You liked them."

She licked the water that dripped off her lower lip. He was never more jealous of the rain. " But why…I haven't had lemon ices in years…"

" I remembered. Nothing more Sansa." He shrugged, not wanting to make a bigger deal of this than she thought it should be.

Her head nod was slow and skeptical. The sizzle in her eyes discontent.

" That's it nothing more. Is that your whole life Sandor? A big empty room of nothing mores. Don't get to close because it might mean something. Don't feel too much because it might inconvenience your heart. Don't go out of your way because it might make you think about something besides yourself."

She was shaking. He wasn't sure if it was the cold or the anger, but her teeth were rattling like a picket fence during a tornado. Didn't matter it was almost July, the dampness had a way of seeping in the bones. " Come into my truck. We'll talk in there."

He reached his hand out to touch her but she dodged his grip and backed away.

" Don't…d-don't touch me."

" I'm not gonna let you get sick."

" Why because my father might scold you." She cracked out sarcastically. " I'm fine."

He glared darkly at her, knowing she was as far from fine as he was. He was just doing a better job at hiding it.

" I wasn't following you if that's what your worried about. I couldn't sleep…I needed space. Jon let me take his car out. I wasn't planning to but I ended up here…I thought…I thought you'd be gone by now." The piercing sharp corner in her voice smoothed down in her explanation.

" I'll be gone soon enough," he heard himself say. Being up all night made him sound raw and broken down.

" Right." She gulped, one tear spilled down her cheek…or maybe it was the rain.

Without his mind's permission, his feet swallowed up some of the space that separated their bodies. " You always say that …I cared about you Sansa. I care."

She laughed, hearty and sardonic in its wake. " I hate that word…what does that really even mean…"

Defensive, he raked a hand through his hair. " Why do I have to explain myself. I showed you. Isn't that enough?"

Her watery eyes searched his. " What are you so afraid of?" she whispered always imploring for more. "Why are you here with me? Why do we keep seeming to find each other?" She erased the rest of the blockade of space. " I want answers and you just…just want to leave me. So easily."

" You don't know what you're saying."

" How do you do it…m-maybe you can show me how you seem to be able to flip a switch and not feel…not care. One second its like I can see what you want because it reflects everything I want and the next its like your this robot who short circuits their feelings when it's convenient for them…."

" I'm not a fucking robot."

" Than tell me what you are…tell me who you are…stop pushing me away like you do everyone else!"

He's the one who backed up now. She was crowding him out, making the need to concentrate that much harder." I'm sorry things ended up this way. I didn't want this for you."

" What do you want for me?" She never could just let things fucking be.

His turn was slow and somewhat defeated. The whole purpose of seeing her again was to be able to set her free and let her go. She was right. He was guilty of all she accused of him." I want you to be happy."

She came nearer, clearly not satisfied with any reason he offered up no matter how hard he was trying to be honest. " But what if I said I was happy with you," she gulped down, back to brutally honest, "That you made me happier than anything else in my life."

" I would say you don't have much to compare me to in only eighteen years of experience."

Her hands slapped against her sides. " That's what this all comes back to doesn't it. My age." She zeroed in on his face, defiance winning out. " I don't care. I don't care how old I am or you. That doesn't matter to me."

" It matters to me Sansa."

That stopped her, made her pause and pensive. Her train- like gung ho full speed ahead declaration halted with a screech as loud as a four- car collision. She gave a short breath before she stumped him with a single heart- stopping sad as hell smile. One that broke the heart and healed it. " You know you were my first. My real first. I tried to have sex once in high school and just as soon as it started I stopped. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons but mainly to get over you. I just wanted to be over this…and than Joffrey came along and he said and did everything perfect and I thought to myself this is the guy to make me forget about you completely. So I jumped in. Full throttle ya know. I gave him my heart or so I thought… and we had sex. Once also. It was all I needed to know that it wasn't what I wanted. But I thought to myself…ok this will just take some time. I was over you and as soon as I was in love with him I would have sex again and everything would be …perfect."

If he was suppose to say something his brain was a desolate graveyard she had just atom bombed.

" But I was wrong. As usual …I was so damn wrong. If you think I haven't tried to get on with my life, to live without you in my head, you're wrong! And that's why it matters. That's why this means something to me. You answered all those feelings and hopes in my heart without me even having to tell you…so if being younger or you being older is supposed to play some vital role in my decision making … it doesn't. I've tried, Sandor, and it doesn't. And I don't care, anymore. I don't."

He knew now that he had to pull deeper for words that had fallen in the cracks, dig deeper for an explanation he had shaped and reworded and tried to find a loophole around countless times. " It matters to me Sansa because… because I want you ok. Don't get you get that."

"Sandor-"

" Listen to me," he grabbed her by the elbows are drew her close, too close. A dangerous kind of close for them. Kisses and soft whispers kind of close. " Do you know where I was tonight? What I was doing before I found you here, huh, do you? I was killing. On your father's order I was taking someone's life and ending it. Don't you fucking get that! This isn't a fucking game and I'm no goddamn hero. Do you see the blood on me!"

She was trying to break free of him, shaking her head like she could undo what he had told her. " I don't care about that, it doesn't matter. I know what goes on with my father and the business he works in Sandor. I know you only did that because you had to. Because you were protecting me and my family…I had a loaded gun pointed at me a week ago. I don't live in some fantasy world." Her chest heaved out a gathered breath. " Not anymore."

It would be so easy to give in and just be. Just let himself cave in and feel her. To experience every angle curve and degree of her again. But than he would be right back where he started. " I don't give shit about a lot of things in my life. I don't care who comes and goes from my door. Understand what I'm saying?" He shook her hard. " But I want you fucking safe. I need you to be ok and live your life. You can't make me your life…not at eighteen years old. Not now. You've got so much going, so much to live for. And I'll be fucking damned before I'm that selfish that I take all that away from you."

"But you're what I want."

Was she even listening to a damn word he said!

" For now I am. There's a whole word at there that's yours for the asking. How can you know what you want when you don't even know what you can possibly have?"

She shook her head, water sprayed everywhere. The rain was beginning to lessen now, not that it mattered, they were both soaked to the bone. " I haven't lived my life in some sheltered castle. I know what the world has to offer, I know what's out there Sandor. And I know that what's between us is as real as anything I've ever seen."

He wouldn't argue anymore. Talking in circles was a fucking migraine waiting to happen and a waste of what little precious time they had. " Maybe so. But I won't shortchange you your future. I'll leave and never come back before I let that happen."

She worried her lip ferociously, blood peeked out and gathered in a small pool. She knew he didn't speak idly when he said such things." Are you even coming back?" she forced the question out, afraid of the answer but needing the closure of it despite the pain.

" That's the plan." Daring himself, he cupped her cheek. Wanting to remember the texture, processing the softness and silky smoothness for future reference. For nights alone around the fire with himself only for company." Life sometimes has others though."

Her hands splayed across his chest where his heart beat as she said, " Are you going to f-forget about me?"

Like that was ever a possibility even if he welcomed the idea. " Couldn't if I tried."

She blinked, fully aware of the double meaning of his admission. Than one side of her lip tilted up. She was doing a bit of memorizing herself. " I'm going to miss you."

He couldn't help but scoff a bit at the sentiment. Sometimes they were all explosions and fireworks, other times soft candlelight and harps. " I find that hard to believe…we are at each other's throats most of the time."

" I'd rather spend my time yelling with you than at some stupid party with my friends."

He couldn't have been more wrong about her. She wasn't some entitled airhead with a designer purse and a list of demands to be carried out. She never asked for anything in their time together but him. She never grumbled about Wal-Mart clothes or what type of food they ate. She appreciated each and every thing he did for her. The only reason they fought was because she wanted to be let into his heart and he wouldn't have it. Where she was open and sweet and so goddamn beautiful it hurt he was hard and cynical, always searching for the angle.

Both of his hands cupped at her jaw, his fingers dug into her scalp, pressing for a closeness he could never be satiated of. He wiped back the wet strands that plastered her face. The cool snowy white plane made a breath curl in his lungs and punch at them. Her blue eyes were sapphire gems suspended in wait on him. He swallowed. " I'm going to miss you Sansa."

She bit at her lip to stop the tears but they came regardless. " Take me with you."

His hold on her slackened," You know I cant do that."

" Why?" she begged.

" Because," he had to recall the rational part of him that was buried under everything else that had avalanched between them in just a few short minutes.

" Because of the reasons I already told you."

" Right."

" Hey," he lowered his head to catch her descending gaze. " This isn't…"

" What?"

" This isn't what I want either." He jaw clenched down hard like a bear trap. " Not even close."

" Right."

" Stop saying that." If he had his way he'd never leave or they'd leave together. No suitcases or plans just promises and a whole lot of fucking sex. He settled with an answer as ambiguous as his features. " If you knew what I was thinking you'd never doubt me again."

Her stare danced between his, in pursuit of his thoughts that were bolted tight behind a vault as thick as a iron. When she realized her search was futile she settled for his own understanding of her.

"When I went to the bar that night I really just wanted to apologize. To thank you. That's why I came. I wasn't trying to follow you or beg something out of you. I felt bad for the way I acted in the car after everything you'd done. I know this isn't easy...You're like a part of my family. Trying to be loyal to my dad and keeping me away from harm…but you and I together t-that changes things-"

" Sansa."

" I know we're not together…I just mean-"

" Maybe I'm part of that harm to you. You ever think about that." Her face was encased between his large calloused hands, torn between wanting to drag her into the pickup truck and back to his apartment and not wanting her to see him for who he really is.

" No." She said so certain in her belief of him. " Never." Her thumb traced his rough rigid jaw line. " You really don't know how wonderful you are."

He surrendered a minutes worth of air at her undeserved praise of him. She might as well have been standing in front of him naked and waiting. He was a slave to each and every thing she said and did. Leaning his forehead against hers a strangled sigh escaped his lips. " I meant it when I said you better not do anything stupid."

She chuckled in her throat, trying to look down but he wouldn't let her. " That's not your problem anymore."

" You were never a problem." His slid his nose against hers. "You don't even know..."

His mouth rubbed across hers. His upper lip connected than broke, stuck again than fell well only to come back more hesitant than the first time. The rain slipped between each break before he finally surrendered what little fight he had and fused his lips to hers, sliding his tongue across the rough surface of hers. The friction had him bending down and pawning harder at her mouth, savoring warm closeness.

Sansa was clutching at his shirt than the back of his neck and hair, clinging to him like a life preserver in the midst of open water. Their gasps fell and grew between them and after minute of furious gulped kisses he broke away and straightened, holding his hand over his mouth and watching as tears poured down her face. Her mouth was swollen and red from his uncaged want. He was breathing heavy, looking down at her like a man destitute of a hunger and thirst only she could supply.

Crazed he ripped a hand through his hair and said something before he let his thoughts do the talking. " I better be going."

" Yeah.. I…" her compliance small and shriveled, " will you…can you keep in touch?"

" Don't think that's a good idea," he implied as gently as his erratic heart would let him. " If you need to pass on a message tell your father. Ill be asking about you when I talk to him."

She drew closer and he stayed absolutely still, clamping up and praying she didn't collide with a part of his soul that ached for her touch. " I'll wait for you. No matter how long it takes…I'll wait."

He wanted to say not to bother, he wanted to hurt her enough so she'd stomp away, drive home and curse the day she ever met him, but he wouldn't let himself be that much of a bastard. He was more selfish than even he realized. "Ok."

She wrapped her arms around him and he followed, hugging her tight to where his large frame swallowed her up. He kissed the top of her head, breathing in her fresh achingly warm scent than let her go completely and backed away. He refused to say goodbye even if it was. He didn't believe in them now more than ever. He couldn't.

She sniffled into her jacket than wobbled out, " Goodbye," watching as he continued to walk to his truck, not breaking eye contact.

" No goodbyes..." And than he turned, opened his door and jumped in. His vision was blurred as he turned the ignition on feeling her stare on him and trying his best to ignore her presence in his head and keep moving. Turning the wheel left he pulled out the parking lot and eyed the rearview mirror for a quick second to see her still standing there.

She was such a stubborn little thing. Never gave up. Not even until the bitter end.

How she could question him ever forgetting her he was baffled. She was as much a part of him as the heart lodged in his chest and the lungs that gave him oxygen. No one forgets a person like that even when life turns the tables or death comes knocking.

Part of him wanted to forget. Forget everything between them, but in the end that was just his pride talking. He wanted the memories, would hold them against himself like a warm fire on nights where the cold and the bloody world was too much to handle. He would look back on her and remember and be glad for one lucky minute of his life she was fully in it.

Maybe this was a lesson learned although he wasn't sure what the lesson was. Not yet anyways. All he knew from this was that he knew a part of himself he hadn't known. A part he long ago buried and shut out. She opened it up without permission, without his consent, and he wanted to throttle and kiss her for it.

But now that he knew what it felt like to love how was he suppose to shut it back down?

He'd figure it out. Somewhere down the line he'd figure it out.

He couldn't regret her.

No matter what came next he couldn't…that's what love did to a person.