Mary,

Today would have been your birthday. You would have been fifty if you were still here. Where have the years gone? I still remember the year that Dean fell down the stairs and broke his arm. Instead of going out to dinner like we had planned we wound up in the Emergency Room for six hours. Was it really only a year later that the yellow eyed demon took you from us? I could swear a lifetime passed between those thirteen months, I guess in a dark sort if way a lifetime did pass.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you. It may even be worse on days like today, that held meaning for us when you were here. It's hard on Dean around this time too, after all he can still remember what it was like to have a true family. The kid would never admit it, but I know, every time we eat together he orders the pie. I don't think he even realises that he does it anymore, but I know it is his little way of remembering you and the life we had.

Sometimes I wonder if this is what you would have wanted for your boys. I know I always said I would try to protect them, of course back then I mean from joining the military and getting in car accidents. I suppose you would hate me for turning your kids into soldiers, you always said that you didn't want them to be forced into something they didn't choose. It's too late now though, twenty two years too late.

I truly wish I could bring you back, Mary. If I had known at the time I would have sold my soul if it meant bringing you back. The boys would have been better off if it had been me who died that night. I failed them and I failed you. I promised you when Dean was born that I would do anything to keep our family safe, but I was failing at that even before Sammy was born. You deserved better than me, you deserved someone who didn't try to drink away their problems.

There is nothing I can say that can make what I have done right. You would hate me for what I have done. Instead of teaching our sons how to do right in the world I taught them how to cheat men of their money and fire a gun. When they should have been learning manners I taught them how to melt down the good silver to make bullets. I am not a true father to them, Mary, I can't even speak to them without furthering my mistakes. Sam already hates me, and I know poor Dean would too if it weren't for the fact that he is so terrified of losing his family.

If it makes you feel at all better, your sons are heros. They have saved lives together. Dean especially is an extraordinary hunter, Sammy too once he starts truly hunting again. You would be proud of them, still in their twenties and already making a name for themselves in the world of the supernatural. You can hear the fearful whispers in the dark. Vampires, Werewolves, and Shifters alike cower when they hear one of the Winchesters are in town.

I am sorry, Mary.

I wish I could change the past.

But it is far too late.

I have made my mistakes, and now it is time to face the consequences.

John