It had been over a month, and still it seemed that Chris could not get to sleep without crying. The calendar read August 14th and Lanshiang felt like yesterday. It seemed that when the sun went down, so did his fake stability. On the inside Chris was still very broken and trying his damndest to rebuild himself. Yet every since July 1st, he would lie in bed and squeeze the teddy bear that belonged to the man he loved. Chris had won the stuffed toy for him three years prior; in fact, he won it on their first actual date. Chris had taken the sniper to a festival that the entire town closed up shop to put on. There were rides and games, and Chris decided to show off and play the duck shooting game which resulted in the stuffed-bear. The younger man slept with it every night that Chris wasn't there to hold on to.

The nights always began the same way, happy memories that crept ever closer to the one night he wished he could do over. Chris felt like he never told him that he loved him enough, never held him close enough and never kissed him deep enough. He silently begged whoever was out there to let him have another chance to prove just how much he needed the other man and also to show just how much he really loved him. After a while, Chris would hug the bear tighter and smell the young sniper and become lost in it. Everything would come to a halt when he would roll over too far into that someone's spot.

Chris couldn't bring himself to speak his name out loud, maybe he thought that if he said it he would damn his boyfriend from coming back, or that meant he was really gone or… well, it was a long shot, but maybe he was saving that delightful name for when he was face to face with him again. He could say that name as much as he wanted if he got his love back because Chris knew that it wouldn't carry the weight of loss and guilt.

And like clock-work, he replayed the night with HAOS, the underwater facility and that fucking C-virus. It all happened so fast, everything was a blur, but he would never forget it.

The sniper closed the pod door after shoving his captain and lover into the escape pod, "NO!" Chris screamed, "You can still make it out alive!" The young brunet had moved to push the launch panel. "Don't do this! There's still time!" Chris pounded and shouted while the hazel-eyed soldier stood in front of the window once again, "Open the goddamn door! That's an order!" Chris shouted again. He heard the sound of air being decompressed and new time was limited, "Please!" Tears began to burn in his eyes, "Please come with me!" The infected man put his unchanged hand against the window and Chris put his right up opposite his, "I love you, don't leave me." A single tear fell down the captain's face.

The younger man gave Chris a soft smile, the sadness was evident in his untainted eye, before calling out, "I love you too, Chris, with all my heart!" He slowly backed away from the pod, knowing that he had sealed his own fate. "Goodbye," he mouthed, since he knew that his voice was no match for the sound of water rushing in.

Chris could never get beyond this part, the final goodbye and the last 'I love you'. His quiet crying turned to sobs. He has lost men before and he has lost a partner. He knows what loss is, he knows what death does to those that it does not take with it. Except this loss was different. This time, he lost a piece of him that died with the love of his life. In all honesty, Chris wanted to spend the rest of his life with the sniper. He could see it. He could never grow tired of him. He loved every part of the man. From head to toe he was perfect. He would get weak in the knees when he would see his boyfriend sitting at the counter reading, or the way he would give him a hug and kiss when arriving home. The way his skin felt against Chris' own drove him wild and no matter what he could never get enough. He wanted a future with him, a life. That couldn't happen now though.

After a time of sobs, Chris' tears dried and he would fall asleep, but not without the bother of a few sniffles. The soldier was glad that he couldn't sleep long enough to recall his dreams form the night before, but he longed for a good night's rest. Four or five hours would pass and he would be awake again. His eyes would snap open as if he was woken up by shattering glass. The man would start his day with the usual, start the coffee and hop in the shower.

Today though, felt different. He wasn't sure how or why, but it just did. He decided to just throw on some old clothes and walk around town for a little while. Maybe being left alone for a little too long makes you think a little too much. Chris wasn't sure where he was walking to and he didn't much care. The only thing that bothered him was how cold and empty his right hand felt. He stuffed his hands in his pockets to avoid the feeling and kept walking. He walked aimlessly for about an hour before he landed himself somewhere he didn't think he could handle.

"Shit." He scolded himself. He knew what he was getting himself into, but he kept on walking until he could picture the service that took place. Chris knew better than to believe that there was a body, but maybe they buried a casket to help everyone believe they were saying goodbye to someone. It always amazed Chris as to how we could all believe lies like that. It probably helped with letting go, so he waved away the thought. He trudged closer and closer the slab of granite with his lover's name on it. He put his hands on top of his head and sighed, "Well, I'm here babe. I'm sorry." He spoke to the stone as if it were messenger to him. He could feel his lip begin to tremble, "I never thought I'd have to come here, because I know that where you are isn't here." He took a deep breath, "but this is all I've got."

He pulled the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and plucked one out. He put it between his lips and went to grab his lighter, but noticed it wasn't in his pockets. He shook his head and smiled, "I know you hated me smoking, and I promise I'm trying to quit." Somehow he knew that not having his lighter was some sort of sign because the younger soldier always hid the older's lighters. For the first time in a long time, Chris let out a true laugh. He laughed loud and hard. He could feel his face become red and tears come to his eyes. He finally calmed down and wiped his eyes. "I love you, you know. If I could, I would marry you. I know I should've asked before, but, you know me. Always waiting till the last second." For some reason, talking to the stone was comforting. Chris felt like his message was being sent, but he knew better deep down. It was nice to talk about these things in a place of peace though. "Have fun where ever you are… And I love you, with all my heart."

He wouldn't say goodbye to him, at least not yet. His heart still needed to mend before he could say his farewell. He needed grab on to enough of that beautiful man to hold in his memory and his heart. That was when he could say goodbye. So Chris began to walk home. He didn't walk with such a heavy foot this time, but the sun still didn't shine as bright. All of this was going to take time. 'Time heals all wounds' they say, but he didn't want to wait that long, because even though he knew he would get there, it was going to hurt like hell. He walked up the steps to his apartment building and swung open the door. Everything still looked the same, but with a little less gloom. He walked up to the fourth floor and down the hallway. Apartment 19 was where he stopped and stuck the key in the door. He pushed the door open to smell food. He turned to the right and his heart nearly stopped.

"P-Piers?"